Wednesday, August 22, 2012

5 Things I've learned Turning 30 Years Old.

I recently turned 30 years old.  With the realization that I'm not in my twenties anymore, came sadness, then denial, regret, fear, sadness again, itchiness, acceptance, anti-acceptance, fear again, forgetfulness, then I found my keys.  It was an emotional 7 minutes. 

What I also realized was how life changed, or in some cases, didn't change.  These are the things I learned turning 30.

30.  Also known as the year of the Riddler Mardi Gras.

1.  Everything hurts more and heals slower.

Have you ever injured yourself while sleeping?  I have!  Don't ask me how because I don't know.  Somehow my neck popped and that was it.  So off to the emergency room I went, to explain how I injured my sleep.  And by explain myself, I mean tell a doctor how my neck went boom-boom while dreaming about my crotch getting boom-boomed by a video game character, no, I'm not going to tell you who.  Or, uh, what it was.

I expected my body to hurt more as I got older, I just didn't expect it to this degree.   I feel like my wisdom teeth are growing in despite not having any wisdom teeth.  My left knee feels wonky after that old football injury I totally never had.    My ass feels sore from all that shitting I've done in my life.

I...I guess you didn't really need to know about that last one.  Okay, I'll make it up to you.  Fine.  It was Tali from Mass Effect. Happy?  Oh?  You dream about her too huh?  Wow.  It seems like a lot of you have.  Must be the mask.  At least it wasn't Ms Pac-Man, although, you can't find a woman with better curves than a woman who is basically a circle. 

2.  Most of my references are outdated.

The other day, I made a reference to a 16 year old kid about the celebrity jeopardy skit on Saturday Night Live, which began airing 16 years ago.  Of course, he had no idea what I was talking about.  How could he unless he was one of those baby geniuses I keep hearing about?  Infants are not well known for staying up on Saturday night to watch Dean Hammond's Sean Connery talk about fornicating with Alex Trebek's wife.  Actually, there is a good chance a teenager wouldn't know who any of those people are since I'm pretty sure none of them post "Haul" videos on Youtube about what they bought at the mall.

54,500 teenage girls with too much self esteem.  They need to be taken down a peg.

There was a point in my life where 75% of my brain was used to store Simpsons quotes.  I still remember some, so when I pull these references out, people start looking for a straight jacket.  They think I'm talking about random nonsense I learned from reading Chernabog's diary.  Even people in my own generation may not get a Simpsons reference since their is more Simpsons episodes than stars in the galaxy.  It's sister series, Futurama, is getting difficult to use for quotes too, mainly from the series first run on Fox since Comedy Central has taken a machete to those old episodes when re-airing them, sometimes cutting entire scenes.  When I tell people my only regret is "Bone-I-Tis", they think I regret boning somebody named Itis.  That sounds like the name of a Hillbilly and 80's guy don't whip it like that.

3.  I still don't give a shit about "adult" things.

Whenever people in my generation start talking to me about finance, taxes, 401K's, and, uuuuugh, stock options, my eyes glaze over and I begin to envy the dead.   This is especially bad with people I knew when they were younger.  In my head, I cannot comprehend how some guy who used to do keg stands and break bottles over his head, now talks about how his stocks dropped 0.00001% today as if this information is interesting and not, for example, the most boring shit ever.  I think this is exactly how mid-life crises start.  These people wake up one day, realize the only thing they have talked about for the last 15 years is fucking spreadsheets, and they immediately max out a credit card buying a Camero so they can cheat on their wife with their 22 year old administrative assistant. 

"Maybe now my stock portfolio will blow me."

I expected my interests to change, and they have, but I thought I might care more about this stuff at 30 years old than I actually do, which is none.  Actually, I care a negative amount about this stuff, so much so, that I will actively deny their existence.  Hey, I'm pretty sure I saw Olympic boxing on CNBC a week ago so my thinking can't be that weird.

4.  I still enjoy escapist fiction a little too much.

I already mentioned Mass Effect above but it's one of the best among modern escapist fiction.  The thing is, I don't half ass it when it comes to these sorts of awesome since that requires restraint.  No, no, no, I've read the entire codex about the Mass Effect universe....several times.  And if the answers to my bizarre questions about a totally fake universe are not in there, it bothers me like Bill Clinton trying to understand what the word "is" is.  

For example, if two members of the all female Asari race mate, does one grow a dick?  This is important information for the hopelessly nerdy.  I really need to know this right - no.  No they do not.  Okay,  but I am left to wonder how the aforementioned Tali, the Quarian with a super weak immune system, eats anywhere that isn't sterile.  It's basically everywhere she is in the game.  Wouldn't she have to take the mask - no.  Again, there is an answer.   See, those of you laughing at me, especially my girlfriend, these are legitimate questions. 

 I love you.

My other recent obsession is Game of Thrones because 1. shut up, 2. I know it's basically The Lord of the Rings: The Soap Opera, and 3. shut up.  I have spent more time on HBO's interactive Game of Thrones map than I've spent on fighting my contempt of court charges the city keeps pestering me about.  And if there is a nerdy thing for an adult to get really into, it's this.  The levels of nudity and violence in this show rival even the ballsiest Dora The Explorer episodes.

5.  The world at 30 is not what I hoped.

Not in the "my life sucks" kind of way, (although I could make an argument for that, but couldn't everyone?) but in the "2012 is nothing like the Sci-fi awesomeness I thought it would be when I was a kid" way.  Smartphones are really the only Sci-fi like thing to exist compared to my 10 year old mind, and although I'm sure there is some crazy, top secret gadgets the military has like invisible missiles and teleporting tanks, my 30 year old self is left wanting.  And as much as I want my goddamn hoverboard, the thing that annoys me the most is the lack of space travel. 

Why am I not living on Mars right now eating pork chop flavored paste in a tube while terraforming the atmosphere with oxygen lasers?  Why do I not have a kick ass space jet that I can fly around and shoot lasers at space pirates with (also known as pirates, in space)?  Why am I not writing this very blog posts with laser fingers that just shoot the letters at the screen with lasers?   Why isn't everything lasers?  Just, just an obscene amount of lasers.  I have yet to find a problem that couldn't be solved with "more lasers". 

.....It's a start.  Via Geograph.

But no, in 2012, I am not the daring space cavalier I thought I would be.  Instead I'm doing everything that isn't pew pew pew pew, vvvvrrrrrrrrooossshhhh, pew pew, KRRRAAAAARRRUGHGH.  And that, is the biggest disappointment of being 30 years old.  Well that, and the lack of visiting space strip clubs to see alien boobs that I have no idea if I would like or not.  I would certainly have more confusing boners in my life, that's for sure. 

Disclaimer:  This blog post was not nearly as sad, "Bahhhhh, I'm not in my twenties anymore", as I thought it would be.

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Sunday, August 5, 2012

Why Are There No New Popular Superheroes?

Why aren't there any newer superheroes to reach the same level of popularity as Batman, Spider-Man, etc.?  The Avengers and The Dark Knight Rises are undoubtedly the two most popular movies of this summer despite having to compete against movies featuring Rihanna on a Battleship and magic rapist teddy bears.  There was also The Amazing Spider-Man, which everybody kind of forgot about because it rebooted a franchise that only finished it's trilogy yesterday (source needed).  All of these superhero movies feature superheroes created decades ago and whose ages can only be accurately described in Geologic time.

An era when wearing your underwear on the outside seemed like a good idea.

If they aged in real time, these superheroes would be spending most of their time fighting the kids on their lawns.  The Avengers (1963) and Spider-man (1962) could have stopped Jonestown from happening while freaking Batman (1939) may have been drafted to fight in the Korean War.  Sure, the people at Jonestown may have still been killed by The Hulk getting really angry over a bee sting rather than poisoned Kool-Aid, and sure, North Korea may have tried to create a superhero named Ratman due to a poor translation to counter Batman and the conflict could have still ended in a stalemate, but you know what I mean.  It just seems odd that older superheroes are still popular and newer, hipper superheroes have failed to take the spotlight.  That only happens in every other form of media ever created.

There would be a lot more statues of Batman hugging Koreans I can tell you that.  Via Flickr.

It's not that people don't like newer superheroes, it's just that they are not nearly as popular.  Spawn (1992) had a movie in 1997 but that was worse than sitting on a railroad spike and featured Spawn doing a lot of things that didn't include killing demons.  (And it featured some of the worst CGI outside of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus).  Spawn also had a dull as drywall cartoon on HBO that also didn't feature Spawn killing demons.  Huh, It's like these producers didn't know anything about Spawn.  That's weird.

Hey.  Remember The Phantom movie in 1996 starring Billy Zane?  Of course you don't.  Nobody does. The only thing anybody remembers about that movie is the skin tight purple leotard Zane wore that somehow created a crotch bulge with it's own zip code.  Oh and he had like a Green Lantern ring that I don't think did anything. The Phantom is mostly just a Batman rip-off anyway since he's like a ghost and stuff and fear and okay....I don't really know much about him.  But I do know that purple is probably not the best choice for a superhero to look dark and scary.  It's a much better color to make him look like a clown or a Teletubby.

"Slam Evil"?  Was this movie written by a WWE producer?

Not every newer superhero has shitty movies though.  Hellboy (1993) has two good movies, and supposedly a third in development, but it admittedly feels like a fluke or Ron Pearlman owing somebody a lot of money.  Guillermo Del Toro can make anything look good though and anybody who has seen Pan's Labryinth knows that.  (Seriously go see that movie if you haven't.  It's awesome.  Cheek knifing!).   I guess Watchmen sort of counts, the comic being created in the 80's, and that movie is arguably good despite being confusing as Maj Jong.  That movie seems to be hurt more by it not reaching it's impossible expectations more than anything else.  "What do you mean it's not the greatest movie of all time?  The best comic of all time requires it!  Alan Moore is a god!  A...crazy god who just does porn comics now but a god nonetheless!"*

*Though he is not nearly as crazy or outright idiotic as Frank Miller is now.  I swear Miller spent the last 10 years drinking paint thinner and eating lead based Chinese knockoff Legos.  But who am I to complain about Miller?  I mean, am I dense?  Am I retarded or something?  Who the hell do I think he is?  He's the goddamn, Frank Miller.  He's the goddamn Frank Miller.

Is...Is that a mummy with a bowie knife?

The most likely explanation for the lack of new superheroes getting popular is the decline of comic books as a major media form.  Actually reading comics is a lot more niche now and can really only brag about being more popular than ham radio enthusiasts.  Think Comic-Con is too crowded?  Just go to the comic book section, the least important part of Comic-Con.  You might actually see the ghost of Frank Miller's sanity hiding in one of those booths.

1930's Batman had to compete mostly with books, newspapers, radio, and costumed lunatics on the street claiming to be actual bat men.  There were movies then too of course, talkies were less than a decade old, but they required a trip to the theater.  Today, comics have to compete with seemingly 15,000 forms of entertainment, all of which are on the Internet and a lot of it is free.  Why pay for a real Batman comic when you can read some weirdo's web comic featuring a guy who looks suspiciously like Batman sodomizing a clearly underage Japanese Supergirl?   No wonder comics have to resort to publicity stunts like making the Green Lantern gay.  Well, not THE Green Lantern, which would be newsworthy and noble, but one of the dozen alternate reality Green Lanterns because DC is ran by cowards.

Not sure which Green Lantern this is.  I assume it's the turtleneck existentialist version.  Via Smugmug.

I doubt a new comic book superhero will ever get as popular as Batman, Spider-Man, and The Avengers, but what about a new superhero from TV or an original film?  Maybe they tried that with Hancock, but he was just a drunk, asshole Superman.  So, basically the angsty Earth One Superman.  The TV show Heroes also tried that until they had so many alternate time lines from their moronic time travel plot device that even a 1.21 gigawatt defibrillator couldn't keep it alive.  Also, the show created a hero whose power is ALL THE POWERS.  He's essentially God, but he doesn't know if he wants to help anybody because he has emotions and stuff.  So, basically the angsty Earth One Superman again.

[An aside - I guess you could make the argument that the Jedi's from Star Wars are basically superheroes and supervillains since they have super powers, but it's too removed from the real world.  You know, with it literally taking place on fake worlds.  And what kind of superhero name is Luke Skywalker?  I never once saw him walking on the sky!  I did see Darth Vader vade some darths though.]

As older movies, music, and TV are slowly forgotten to make room for new properties, old superheroes just keep plugging along with new adaptations.  They are practically the benchmark for the reboot and remake trend in pop culture.  And I like these old superheroes, but I wouldn't mind seeing a new one get a big budget movie.  Where the superhero is going to come from, I have no clue.  Maybe my idea for Dr. Laser JumpKick-Man will take off......

Disclaimer:  I don't know how to end blog posts.

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Saturday, July 28, 2012

Pointless Gripe Special Edition: Hitting on a Baby Boomer

One of my customers tonight, probably 65 years old or more, was taken aback when I called her "honey".  She responded by claiming, "that's my husband over there" while pointing to a man who thinks denim is the greatest fabric of all time.  While they were leaving, the old man supposedly whispered something about me hitting on his wife, which makes me really, really wish a complaint is filed with corporate about me hitting on a baby boomer.  Nothing would show my disdain for THE MAN more than getting a complaint over me hoping to get into some granny panties.

You might be asking, "Why did you call an old lady honey?" and to that I say, "Of course I fucking didn't".   I asked her, "Would you like anything else?".  How she got "honey" out of that is something only old people with limited hearing know, or possibly Dementia.  Plus, I think my girlfriend might have something to say about me hitting on a woman who probably remembers watching the moon landing on TV. 

Besides, if I was going to hit on an old lady who remembers the Cuban Missile Crisis, I would be a little more discreet about it.  I have some class, thank you very much.  I'd probably go to some weird old person dating site and create myself a profile (assuming they know what the Internet is).  But what would a woman born in the 1950's look for in a man....

Profile Name:  JFKlikeBONER6969

Age:  29.

Height: Patriotic American.

Weight:  Ideal Muscle Type.

Sign:  Leo (Rawwwr).

Hobbies:  Hiding under desks during nuclear war drills and being confused about modern technology. 



Turn-ons:  Cold War, McCarthyism, segregation and pregnant women who spend all day baking me a pie in the kitchen.


Turn-offs:  Communism, Ho Chi Minh, Negroes, Orientals, Mexicans (basically anybody who isn't white because that's why we fought the Krauts) and Womens rights (because I'm sexist too).


Pick-up Line:  I want to draft you into the military (of my heart).


What I'm looking for in a lover:  I want somebody who remembers the "good ole days" when presidents were white, women couldn't vote, and gays didn't exist.  I want you to want 7, maybe 8 children, a white picket fence made out of American wood instead of that shitty Australian wood, and for you to remember your place because I am the man of the house.


If you're interested, how to contact me:  Preferably by telegraph.  This site says "E-mail" (???) is best but I don't know what that is.  I think it means "European Mail" but my father didn't fight the Japs to let them run my mail.  And don't be like these young kids who keep telling me, "Japan isn't in Europe" because I know it is, right next to Canada.  

Disclaimer:  This article is VERY satirical and I'm sure not every old person is racist, sexist, and poor with Geography.

Follow on Twitter, like the blog on Facebook, or contact me at  Unless you're an old person than don't.  Then again, that probably all looked like gibberish anyway.   

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Rush Limbaugh Thinks The Dark Knight Rises is Promoting Obama

Sentient bag of mayonnaise and radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, thinks the villain in The Dark Knight Rises is named Bane to brainwash people into voting for Obama because it will remind people about Mitt Romney's time running Bain Capital.  Limbaugh said this on his radio program yesterday to his legion of fans from real 'Murica (fuck yeah). That happens to be the same time the company closed a bunch of factories and shipped jobs overseas while Romney simultaneously became even more filthy stinking rich while maniacally laughing over blueprints for his weather machine.

 "Mitt Romney is my homeboy".  Via Fotopedia.

I don't know Rush, that seems like a stretch.  Then again, maybe Obama knew this was going to happen in 1993 when the Batman villain was created.  Yeah, it just makes too much sense.  Obama's team of secret communist psychics planted the seed of a mudslinging campaign 19 years before said campaign even got started.  They created the villain, pulled strings to make sure the Satanists at Warner Bros. hired Christopher Nolan to reboot Batman as a gun hating democrat, and bribed Nolan with three Hawaiian islands to make Bane the villain in the third movie.  That must be why the movie includes a line from Bane saying, "When Gotham is ashes, you have my permission to die".  He was talking about Gotham factories to hard working factory workers that Mitt Romney in no way laid off!  No sir, not that true American.  He's so American, he doesn't even know what a soccer ball is.  But if he saw one, he would instinctly hate it.

 Moments before the ball caused the BP oil spill.

Sarcasm aside, is Rush Limbaugh that out of touch?  I know he is a racist, sexist, homophobic, pain killer addicted, hateful bigot the size of Pluto, but does he actually believe the things he says?  The connection he thinks is there doesn't exist.  It's about as likely as the Avengers brainwashing us into hating special ops military units because Nick Fury assembled a team that includes a scientist who probably believes in evolution and is also a dangerous rage monster who can destroy a city by himself.  Plus, that movie makes us think America's enemies are lead by a demi-god with an elaborate hat!  It's a ploy to make us hate the Pope!  I bet Captain America was born in Canada too!

Actually, the Avengers analogy isn't very good.  Limbaugh obviously knows America's enemies are gay sex and women who leave the kitchen.

 "If only I stopped Loki before he gave that lady an abortion."

The funniest part of this is that even if there was a connection between the Batman villain Bane and Mitt Romney, Limbaugh is just upset that the connection was made.  The fact that Nolan would be calling Mitt Romney a villain indirectly in this case?  NOT AN ISSUE.  He's okay with that I guess, but this is a guy who probably thought Christians were the good guys during the Crusades.  The connection wouldn't even be an issue if, you know, Mitt Romney didn't take inspiration from comic villains while working at Bain Capital.  If only Romney would have replaced all his employees with penguins, then Limbaugh could complain about Batman Begins instead and how that movie did not accurately portray Romney's platform of "more penguins with back mounted rockets for everybody".

The Dark Knight Rises has absurdly high expectations (so high that I think the movie will come up a little short for me) and is expected to rival the Avengers in box office sales.  However, if the movie has even a slight influence on the presidential race, I will eat a light bulb.  Rush Limbaugh is insane, this is not news, but this opinion on a Batman villain seems crazy for even the craziest of "Obama is an alien from the planet SocialistTaxTopiaVille and his healthcare law makes George Washington cry" crazy people.

Even the Joker thinks Limbaugh is crazy, although when he heard of what Limbaugh said, he nearly laughed to death.  Laughing at what he says is probably the best option though.  Rush Limbaugh everybody!  Making the Joker look sane.  

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and Rush Limbaugh isn't nearly as relevant as people think he is.  He has to keep saying crazy things for people to pay attention.  It's the only way a Gamorrean from Star Wars can have a job on the radio.  

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Thursday, July 12, 2012

About the Starship Troopers Reboot

Starship Troopers is just another brainless, overly violent, action movie.  The lead actors wouldn't land leading roles in a high school play of "Romeo & Juliet Versus Harold & Kumar".  The aliens are just generic bugs whose motivations range from "What's that bright light?" to "Don't eat the larvae or the queen will eat me."  The movie includes one of the dumbest romantic subplots to ever exist outside of roughly 2,000 romantic comedies.

Also, this is one of the most brilliant movies of all time.

Do your part!  Die for the stupid, stupid cause!
That's right.  This movie is perhaps the most subversive war movie since Hollywood still made war movies that were subversive.  It's a satire with a merciless anti-war, anti-militarism, and anti-fascism message.  Its' satire is so good in fact that many people didn't get it when it first came out, including self proclaimed fans of the movie and I assume the lizard people who made the straight to DVD sequels.  I'm not sure HOW people missed the point considering the movie was pretty overt with its' in film propaganda reels, white super models living in Argentina, and a war strategy reminiscent of Zapp Brannigan from Futurama (do the bugs have a maximum kill limit?).  The movie even has a scene where a guy claims that the very idea of a bug that can think is offensive.  Uh, why?  How?  We know chimps are pretty smart but I don't see anybody claiming offense to be compared to chimps - oh right.  

It's with the brainless action movie theme that Starship Troopers stands out from modern movies with similar styles.  Now days, most action movies are just military recruitment ads.  Take Battle: Los Angeles for example.  That movie said the word "Marine" more often than the Avengers movie had scenes where the characters worried about the Hulk wiping out a civilization.  That movie had the main character name an 8 year-old boy a marine only minutes after his dad died because Marines don't cry soldier!  Pull up your Osh-Kosh B-Gosh pants, put on your Spongebob sweatshirt, and lets go kill some fucking alien fucks!  Actually, I think at some point during that, subtlety died.

 Aliens are attacking.  Please take this detour to the nearest armed forces recruitment office.

Starship Troopers ramps all the brainless action movie cliches up to prove the point, war is stupid.  The characters are bad actors because a good actor might submarine the whole intent of the story.  You're not supposed to root for the main character.  And it's not because the main character is a bad guy, it's because he's stupid.  Like, Charlie Sheen stupid or Casper Van Dien stupid.  The romantic subplot is supposed to be trite.  Verhoeven purposely jacked up the volume of the terrible Mazzy Star song "Fade Into You" during the two rival love interests fight scene as if they should make out instead of poorly fist fight like two drunken frat brothers named Chaz and Geoff.  The romantic subplot doesn't matter when you're all about to horribly die in some pointless war. A war that the humans probably started (the reporter argues about humans encroaching on the bugs natural habitat) because how in the hell can bugs launch an asteroid at a planet?  Also, why would they do that?  Earth is on the other side of the freaking galaxy.  This seems like the best excuse for war since weapons of mass destruction.  Actually, it's the same excuse only the bugs actually used theirs (supposedly).

It's just a great, great movie.  One that many people didn't even realize is great or why, but the subversive satire just rips up the very idea of war so satisfactory that we would have peace on Earth if everyone watched it and understood it.  The end.

 And that's that.  Nothing more to see here.


Oh right, nevermind.  Lets forget all that, remove the satire, make it more patriotic, aka; make a straight adaptation of the novel the movie is based on that is very pro-militarism and very pro-fascism without a hint of irony, and even tone down the violence because they probably want to make this reboot PG-13 holy fucking shit I hate everything.  What goat blowing, mule punching, snake licking, chick dicking, tick flicking, sick kicking, mother fucking sack of cunt shits thinks this is a good idea?  Goddamnit.  Where's the asprin?

This is the worst idea since Hollywood thought turning board games about putting pegs into holes and somehow....ALIENS would be a great movie.  Actually, no, this is worse.  At least Battleship isn't ruining the legacy of a great movie that already exists.  This is taking a great movie that may have been a little ahead of it's time but a cult classic now, and tearing out it's soul while taking a shit in it's bloated, mutilated corpse.  Just thinking about rebooting Starship Troopers with a pro-fascist message should qualify as a war crime.   

Don't believe me?  The douchebag trying to make this movie, "if you cut him he bleeds money and cocaine" producer Toby Jaffe (Nice name, Toby.  Shouldn't you be a 1980's ski instructor or something) actually said, haha, he actually fucking said, and I quote, "Y’know, one man’s fascism is another man’s patriotism."  No irony.  No sarcasm.  Straight up bullshit, like, as if I'm being punk'd.  Am I...being punk'd?  Is Ashton Kutcher producing this too?

 Please.  Don't do this.  Via. Fotopedia.

If there is justice in this world, this movie will not be made.  I'm sure this movie doesn't have the fan base for an uprising but that wouldn't matter anyway.  It's never worked before.  Ugh.  I need a drink.

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and I'm not all that angry that they are rebooting, oh who am I kidding, yes I am.  Worst idea ever!  Stop this madness Toby, stop it.  

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Friday, July 6, 2012

About The Judge Dredd Reboot

The 1995 Judge Dredd movie starring a Sylvester Stallone in permanent sneer mode is pretty damn awful.  The overacting bravado of Stallone made Dredd out to be some sort of meat head who shoots first, rambles about Civics 101 later (basically the cop version of Rambo but without the sad back story).  The story is a typical frame job, redemption arc where Judge Dredd is stripped of his judgeship and later who cares.  A Judge Dredd movie where Dredd isn't a judge for most of it?  Great idea!  An even better idea?  Casting Rob Schneider as the comic relief.  Genius!  Out of the park Hollywood!  Enjoy your panda steaks.

 The movie was faithful to the bad dialogue though.

Needless to say, Judge Dredd needed a reboot more than any movie in the history of cinema other than possibly The Golden Compass.  And okay, maybe not in the history of cinema, but Rob Schneider ruins movies just by looking in their general direction.  I don't think there is a single actor more universally despised than him and I just gave him a compliment by calling him an "actor".  Adam Sandler should be given a humanitarian award just because of the charity he gives this man by keeping his career alive.

I was psyched when I heard about the reboot coming out this September.  The casting of Karl Urban as Dredd seemed a little odd but I didn't care.  Judge Dredd isn't exactly a multi-dimensional character (that Stallone still screwed up).  Lena Headey is the villain, which is tits.  Most importantly, no comic relief character that wasn't needed the first fucking time.  This was going to be the gritty, dark, amoral Judge Dredd movie the first one was supposed to be.  The law is back baby!  Let's see that trailer.

Holy shit, who choose the music?  It's pretty damn jarring to go from La Roux dance mix 2000 to Inception noise.  And by the looks of the setting, is this Judge Dredd in Tower Heist?  It looks like most of the movie will take place in one tower, followed by a chase sequence on the highway in the third act.  I guess he isn't going to be spending the 2nd act in the wastelands fist fighting mutants, so that's a good thing, but I have reservations for a movie that probably won't be able to pull off the Die Hard, entire movie is in one tower setting.  Mostly because one movie is Die Hard, and the other has a screenplay from the guy who wrote Never Let Me Go.

Honestly though, this looks like it will be an enjoyable film that has the proper Judge Dredd characteristics.  It certainly looks darker than the first film and sounds like it too since Dredd talks like Christian Bale's Batman.  The trailer didn't hint at if the movie will be violent enough for a real Judge Dredd movie, but the R rating helps put those fears to rest.  The biggest complaint I see from other people is the change to his uniform, but I don't have a problem with it.  His uniform in the comics, and to some degree the first movie, makes Dredd look like a gaudy flamenco dancer who just jumped off a float at Carniv├íle.  Hard to include that in a gritty movie if the audience can't take the main character seriously.

 I am the law.  Via Flickr.

I am optimistic for Dredd.  I haven't said that in a long time regarding a reboot but this one actually felt needed.  Also, you know what, it's weird to write about a movie reboot that I think I might like.  Really weird.  It's almost as if, something else, is happening to off set it.  That can't be true though....

Oh?  What's this?   

Disclaimer:  Dredd will not take off his helmet in this movie.  Calling it.

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Monday, July 2, 2012

7 Facts About This Blog.

Whoa, hey.  I'm a little late on this but Robot Hooker Party has been a blog for over a year now.  I started it on June 11th, 2011.  So hooray and stuff!  It was a memorable day indeed, mostly because I found a Hangin' With Mr. Cooper marathon on TV, but starting a blog is something I almost remembered.  I remembered now though and this post is going to make up for it.  And that's the lesson here, always be yourself.   

Those early days were fun, rocking out with, like, four readers.  Barely enough people to make up a shindig but not quite enough for a hootenanny.  Today, the blog is up to about 12ish, so that's a thing.  Yup.  12 non-commenting assholes readers who may be completely unaware that they can comment anonymously cause I'm cool like that.  Yup.  Even, you know, those hits that happen to be spambots.  You guys can comment too.  I'll probably delete those but it would be nice to know you actually CARE about me maybe wanting to buy Viagra or wanting to increase the size of my penis.  Yup.  I'm not lonely at all.  Not even a little.  It's just so quiet in here.  Maybe, too quiet (hint, hint).

 This is serious business.  Via Fotopedia.

Now that I got that self-loathing out of the way, here are some fun facts about the blog that you never knew you cared about.

1.  Blogpost with the most hits:  How Did Adele Get So Popular?

Apparently, a lot of people are asking Google this same question.  Too bad I didn't really answer the question and got sidetracked about bear fighting (happens to me a lot), but at least I covered what wasn't the answer.  I don't know the answer anyway seeing as how it probably has something to do with record executives owing Adele a favor for all those unicorn tears she gave them to drink.

Actually, the bodily fluids of horned ponies probably explains these same executives decision to bring boy bands back too, considering rainbow hallucinations remind me of a time when people were more in sync with their communities.  A time when boys would dance with new kids in the backstreets of the block I grew up on.  Even when it was 98 degrees outside and those stupid LFO kids were trying to talk everybody into shopping at Abercrombie and Fitch.  It was a time when we weren't afraid to make our requests live, totally.  But, alas, I guess all boyz must grow in 2 men.*

* - There were way too many puns in that paragraph.  I apologize.**

** - No I don't.

2.  Blog post with the most hits because of a picture search:  About the Robocop Reboot

Everybody wants to see the picture of Robocop with a giant chin.  Fun Fact:  That chin doubles as a can opener.

3.  Strangest search that led to this blog:  "Painted Penis by Female Artists"

I know this is due to me making a barbed penis joke in the caption of a woman who I labelled as a painter in the "Is Indie Music Returning to the Pop Charts?  Again?" post.  That's not the weird part.  The weird part is somebody made that search and clicked on a Robot Hooker Party post, four times.  I'm now curious to know what this majestic dick is that people are looking for but I'm not actually curious enough to search for it because I know I'm going to end up with pictures of Smurf cock.

Are they looking at the sheet music or.....

I'm also curious about the "female artists", plural, since this seems like a difficult club to get into.  I've never had one female want to paint my junk, let alone several.  And do they all paint it at the same time?  What does the guy do during all of this?  I...I'm probably thinking about this too hard.  It's probably just a few women taking turns gluing sparkles on a dildo. 

4.  Number of hits from people searching for ACTUAL robot hookers and hooker parties(I think):  18

I can't be certain that any of these people were looking for actual robot hookers or hooker parties, but Google knows what they like and Google doesn't judge.  I do, however, and I'm afraid to tell you that looking up hooker parties online doesn't seem like the most discreet way to plan your get together.  That seems like the best way to throw an undercover cop party though.

But hey, almost half of these searches came from one country.....

5.  Most number of hits from a country that isn't the United States:  Russia

I know.  You thought I was going to say Japan huh?  I'm disappointed too.  I guess not all stereotypes are true.

 Land of mystery.  And happy flu elves?

But I don't know what the Russians are thinking, sending off all their attractive females as mail order brides in favor of Replicants.  This would dishonor their motherland and worst of all, dishonor the ghost of Lenin.  And how would these alcoholics even be able to charge the batteries of their robotic hookers while living in their Siberian Igloos?  I don't think it would be very welcoming to return home from a hard days work in the salt mines to find a human shaped paper weight laying on the ground.  To be fair, it would be better than what they currently return home too, which is a drunk donkey that got into the liquor cabinet again. 

6.  Most page views by browser:  Internet Explorer


7.  Search keywords that are most likely to bring someone here:  Porn Dicks

What is this?  WHAT IS THIS?!?!  And...the highest the blog ever appeared under this search was fifteenth place?  How is that possible when there should be about 7.3 Septillion links that should appear before this blog in a Google search for "porn dicks".  Granted, nobody searching for that actually clicked on the blog except one hugely disappointed person, but this is shockingly high for two words I have never put togeth - oh, right.  I DID put those two words in the same sentence in the "Bad Tippers with Worse Excuses" post.  No wonder every time I take off my pants my webcam turns on.

 Yeah boyeeeeee.

Funny how a blog with the word "hooker" in the title would come up so high in a porn related search that didn't include the word "hooker".  And I know I could have named the blog Baby Kitten Basket and porn related searches would still find it.  That's not the point.  I'm just saying Google needs to get it's shit together because Lycos and Hotbot are search engines too and they just might be the next big thing.  At this rate, Google might not be around for much longer with this level of incompetence.  I mean, I might have to move this blog to Geocities.

Disclaimer:  This is a blog.  Not a porn site.

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Monday, June 25, 2012

Pointless Gripe: Restaurant Regulars

This bugs the shit out of me.  I can't help it.  This isn't even that big of a deal.  But when people eat the same thing, at the same restaurant every "countdown towards death" day, it is one of the most pathetic things I have ever seen and I've seen people Larping in the park by my apartment.  The only thing more pathetic would be eating at the same place more than once on the same day, everyday, which yes there are people who do that too.  I liked life better when I didn't know these people exist.  Now I have to wonder if there is heroin in the food.

 "Finally I can finish making the soup of the day:  Narcotic Bisque."

In the restaurant industry, these people are known as "regulars", or as I call them, "somebody who is wasting my goddamn time why the hell are you here again you fucking loser"?  Regulars think they form some sort of bond with the restaurant staff and are now totally your friend which hey, you should give them a free beer buddy.  Friends do that right?  The problem is the relationship is more like the Regular has a dependency problem and the restaurant staff are the only people who can get them their fix, rather than a real friend.  Friends tip better too. 

There are exceptions, but the restaurant staff couldn't give less of a shit about the Regulars 90% of the time.  This is especially true when the Regulars all start to know one another and poor bartenders start hearing a thousand different versions of the same story.  People in the restaurant industry don't care that Regular #127 slept with Regular #92 but Regular #31 is going to tell you all about it because he's really angry about it and hey, you should give him a free beer!  He's pretty depressed.  Then again, the only reason these people know each other is because they can't get enough all-you-can-eat seafood Saturdays.  It's pathetic that someones personal life can be effected by crustaceans. 


Regulars are even weirder in fast food.  Despite living in an industrialized society in the year 2012 that features food production on an unprecedented scale never seen before in human history, there are people who would rather eat the same disgusting McDonalds cheeseburger every day presumably because taking up smoking would kill them too slowly.  Healthy eaters are not any better though.  Or maybe I should say, "healthy", as some people eat Subway everyday because that Jared guy lost a bunch of weight, but he didn't put double meat, triple cheese, and a pint of mayo on his sandwiches.  Then there is people who eat Del Taco everyday but I'm not sure if that should count as nothing on their menu constitutes as food.  It's pretty decent after a night of drinking though and hey, my friend is a bartender.  I should totally get a free beer.  

But it's the safe choice right?  At least they know what they are getting, right?  Well, seeing as how most people understand what is in their food about as well as they understand nuclear fission, they probably never realized the chicken they have been eating is actually just processed rubber.  Or maybe they think they will get the real stuff now that they are friends with the staff and hey, you should totally give them a free beer!  You are friends now remember?

 Oh yeah, friend.  I got some real eggs for you.  They are a little old though.

You know what?  I'm starting to think people become Regulars because they want free shit.  Well it doesn't work.  Mostly.  Sometimes a Regular will finally get a free beer but only after they've already bought 5.  That's a lot of money for a supposedly free drink.  It's like trying to win a $1 Million lottery by buying $15 million's worth of lottery tickets.

So I don't get it.  Why become a Regular?  If there is nothing in it for you, don't become one.  Your existence annoys me.



It is possible to be a Regular without me wondering what the hell is wrong with you.  However, there are only a few ways this can work.
  1. Regular at a bar within walking distance of home. - This just makes sense.  It's practical.  There is probably a bush on the walk home that can be used as a public restroom.  Cabs afford no such luxury, not that it makes any difference to drunk assholes in K-Swiss polo shirts.
  2. Friends or family work there. - Much better chance at free beer since these people are actually your friends.  However, this is only acceptable at most, once a week, preferably less. Being an everyday Regular in this situation reeks of clingy spouses.  How many people would want their friends and family visiting them every day at work?  I only request my girlfriend send me text updates of where she is, who she's with, what she is doing, what she is thinking about, what her favorite Wes Anderson movie is, her answer to who would win in a fight between Thomas Edison and Leonardo Di Vinci, and why it took her so long to text me, every 5 minutes.
  3. It's the only place to eat in town - I'll allow it even though you should probably move to a better town.  Well, unless you are one of those creepy hill people serial killers.  If so, than please, stay there and call the FBI.  It stands for The Food Bus Institution.  They deliver food to you I swear!
  4. It is, somehow, the only place you can eat without getting an allergic reaction. - I'm not sure how that is possible, and I don't think this situation actually exists, but yeah, sure.  I guess being a Regular is better than dying but is it truly living anymore?

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and Regulars don't actually bother me that much unless you are a Regular who tips like shit.  What is the point in that?  You'll never get a free beer that way.  

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Monday, June 18, 2012

4 90's Bands That Haven't Aged Well

A few months ago, I mentioned in a blog post about how I like to listen to 90's music from time to time because I'm nostalgic at an early age.  (Wait, did I say I "mentioned" that?  It was more like "drunkenly rambled", which is how I talk about most things).  Whenever I go on these nostalgia trips - *Buuuuurp*, I'm surprised to find myself liking songs I didn't used to like.  It's as if these formally mediocre songs have aged like a fine wine, somehow making these songs good in retrospect.  I assume anyway, as the only fine wine I've ever had was a glass of Arbor Mist that a Frenchmen spit in.

Not all 90's bands have aged like a fine wine though.  Some have aged more like that case of MD 20/20 I forgot about in the closet for three years.  Even nostalgia goggles can't save them.  Beer goggles might, but only if you are drinking Evil Eye malt liquor. 

 This band tastes like Evil Eye.  The beer sounds okay though.

These are four 90's bands that haven't aged well.

1.  Matchbox 20

First of all, is their band name Matchbox 20 or Matchbox Twenty?  Secondly, what does Boxmatch 20 even mean?  Is it in reference to that entire pack of cigarettes they smoked that one night when they were debating how to make the band not suck anymore?  I guess the idea they agreed on was not being Latchknox 40 anymore and letting Rob Thomas cheat on the band with Santana.  The song he did with Santana,"Smooth", was way more popular than any Catchflax 2000 song ever was.  I assume Rob Thomas begged Santana to make him a permanent member of his band but Santana refused because Thomas is not nearly as Mexican as he claimed.  No Mexican would grow that ridiculous fucking mullet.

Flatmax 60 was inexplicably popular in the 90's despite sucking the rock out of alternative rock.  They were alternative alright, just more like the alternative choice for people who thought Everclear was too edgy.  Their only purpose was to give VH1 something to show when they ran out of Savage Garden videos.  VH1 loved them hard actually.  They talked about Natchblast 22 more than they showed the Behind the Music episode of Motley Crue.  I'm amazed every VH1 countdown about the 90's isn't just filled with Rob Thomas arguing about how he invented the Emo look with the video to "Unwell".

Crazy.  Unwell.  Dropping acid.  Whatever.

2. The Rembrandts

When the most lasting legacy of a band is, "Theme song from Friends," then the band can never call themselves artists ever again.  The Rembrandts are what Oasis would sound like if they were on Zoloft.  They also styled their hair as if they wrote the theme song to Seinfeld.   Actually, I'm starting to notice a pattern between mullets and shitty 90's bands.  There is just so much party on their heads, they had no energy left to give to their bland music.

 No relation. - Via Fotopedia.

The Rembrandts are the background music you hear while shopping at the mall.  It's that boring, lifeless music for tasty cakes who take offense to Shakespeare in the Park.  The Rembrandts are the saltine crackers of music.   Show me somebody who thought a Rembrandts song was offensive and I'll show that person tentacle porn. 

3.  Hootie and the Blowfish

I'd really like to know how they came up with this band name.  Was Hootie given that nickname in high school but then decided to just roll with it?  I'm amazed the other band members are not named Scooter, Big Time Johnson, and Jager McFlavor.  Before making it big, they would have played most of their gigs at frat houses like Psi Kappa Date Rapieya.  And really, blowfish?  Didn't the other band members protest this and want at least a cool animal name like sharks or tapeworms or something?  It's like they all sat down one night and tried to think of a band name worse than The Goo Goo Dolls. 

Saying their music sucks is an understatement.  Their instrumentals have such a douchey feel to them that John Mayer looks like a musical visionary in comparison.  Their lyrics were probably stolen from an after school PSA about not talking to strangers.  They have the charisma and stage presence of a Lehman Brothers CEO.  This band fails more than the Colorado Rockies.  

And their video for their biggest hit, "Only Want to be With You", is the most unintentionally strange video I have ever seen.  What does Sportscenter have to do with only wanting to be with, my bros, I guess?  This song doesn't seem to be about a girl but if it is, I don't blame her for wanting nothing to do with a man named Hootie.  And why does Hootie own an NBA franchise?  Why is Dan Marino in this video?  Does Hootie only want to be with Dan Marino? 

Laces out, Dan! 

4.  Paula Cole.

Much like The Rembrandts above, Paula Cole will mostly be remembered for doing the theme song to a TV show.  The song I'm talking about is "I Don't Want to Wait", or more accurately, "IdaWannaWay", which is the theme song to Dawson's Creek.  I freely admit to watching the first season of that show because girls liked it and, somehow, that would get me laid (I didn't think this plan all the way through).  However, what I didn't expect was to learn something far more valuable than how to take off a bra.  I learned about feelings.  My feelings.  I, apparently, have emotions.  I learned how to let my feminine side, like, feel things, you know?  I learned how to be sensitive to others emotions and to be there, just to listen.  I learned to share a good cry with someone from time to time.  Just really let it out you know?

Oh.  And I too would have totally banged that teacher dawg!  Dat was sick, Pacey!  Fist bump brah!

  "Come on Brah!  Don't leave me hanging.  Brah!  Yo, Brah!"

What was I talking about?  Oh right!  Paula Cole.  The song that she recorded unfortunately doesn't help explain how a grown woman could fall in love with a kid named Pacey.  Who names their kid Pacey?  I guess after high school, he became a member of Hootie and the Blowfish for a while.  That is, as long as he didn't choke to death on a beer bong.

Sorry.  I started on another tangent.  See, it is impossible to talk about "I Don't Want to Wait" as a song because you can't disconnect it from Dawson's Creek.  And since Dawson's Creek sucked, well.....

Fortunately for this blog post that's going nowhere, she has another major hit you might remember.  "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone", or as my parents call it, that "Do Do Do Song", is a song about Paula doing cliche women things while the man drinks beer and....pays bills?  What, do you NOT want him to pay bills?  That is a pretty weak feminist battle cry.  Plus, wanting a John Wayne is a poor contrast to a drunk since John Wayne was, you know, a drunk.  He also happened to cheat on each of his three wives, one of which, tried to shoot him.  What an American icon!

Of course, the best way to get your point across is to whisper half the words. 

Paula Cole tries hard but her music just falls short.  If you want good feminist music, try Ani DiFranco or Tori Amos.  Their feminism goes a little further than just whining about men being assholes.  I'd even settle for Sarah McLachlan if you don't mind her trying to rape you or making you cry during commercials.  Oh god.  I need to adopt all those puppies and kittens right now, but I can't afford it!  Damnit it, Sarah!  My feelings don't feel good.  I'm going to go eat a bucket of ice cream.

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and I know Sarah McLachlan's "Possession" is inspired by her stalker.  I actually like that song.  As for the Blowfish, I think I get it now.  Eating the wrong part of a blowfish is poison right?  So, it's like music poison.  AHHH.  It all makes sense now. 

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Tuesday, June 12, 2012

A Review of 4 Awful Fathers Day Gifts.

Hey, Fathers Day is coming up.   And I bet, just like Mothers Day, there are a ton of crappy gifts aaaaand - OH SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP.  It took very, very little time finding bad gifts.  All these gifts were found after searching for "Fathers Day Gifts" and apparently Google hates Dad's. 

1.  Grill Sergeant Apron

Get it?  Grill sergeant?  Ha! I wonder what former Two and a Half Men writer came up with that one.  The camo is a nice touch too since the best barbecue comes from stealthy maneuvers.

This apron is for fathers who agree that all the best grilling is done while drinking six luke-warm beers.  And if the picture is to be believed, that beer is Miller Lite.  Grilling is man's way of showing the world that yes, penis do fire meat good.  I don't understand dudes who need to control a grill like it's their penis, but I can see how this might compensate for - AH who am I kidding?  Everybody knows that if you have a small dick, the Ford F-150 is the way to go.  Well now it is, considering they don't make Hummers anymore.

2.  Head Spa

Nice helmet Space Cowboy.  I'm sure it's a splendid way to relax after a hard day of fighting Death Stars.  

I'm not entirely sure why this...thing is called a head spa when it's just a vibrator, but I can't help but wonder if cucumbers are involved.  Good job on the picture making it look like it's made out of metal by the way.  Don't want anybody to know it's made out of that cheap plastic you find in Dave and Buster's prizes for 10,000 tickets.

Fathers who get this gift are receiving more than just an USS Enterprise standard issue helmet, but also a message from their kids that their dad is not as cool as the characters in Mass Effect, who have probably spent more time raising the kids anyway.  At least with the head spa, a father can finally feel like the appropriate living room Space Scientist he has always felt like he was.

3.  Barbecue Cologne

Oh, of course, father smells best when grilling a leg of pork.  But if he didn't have time to BBQ in the afternoon, he can just put on this cologne and he is ready for a night on the town, assuming the town is in the south.  There, people might appreciate a man who smells like something other than moonshine.

I don't really need to explain how shitty this gift is.  Just take a look at the worst commercial ever made.

If this commercial is to be believed, this cologne is for people who are sexually attracted to pulled pork sandwiches.  I think.  I'm not sure but, for a cologne commercial, I think the girl is putting on the cologne.  That is odd considering everything else about her is an amalgamation of every other female stereotype.  Women only like men who like Sex and the City right?  Because that is a thing that can totally happen and not a wildly unrealistic expectation.  No wonder the lady in this commercial is still single.  Doesn't she understand men only want to talk about smoking meat?

4.  A Trip to a Nude Resort

"Happy Fathers Day Dad!  I got you a reservation for two at a nude resort...No, no, no.  It's not for Mom and you.  It's for the two of us.  It's a, and I quote, 'A weekend for both of you in the nude'.  The add was talking to us.  The kids.  It's apparently what you 'always wanted'.  We'll have a blast."

Sure, this add could be about a vacation for Dad and Mom despite that still being creepy as hell, but considering the word "Mom" is no where to be found on this add, I think they expect Dad to bring his kids.  And sure, maybe Dad is into European things like nudity around your own children, but then, the word "Romance" is in the add.  Just, just, fucking fantastic.  If this is Paradise Valley, I would hate to see what "Dystopic Nightmare Hell Valley" would look like.

And who in the hell is the lady on the add?  I'm sure she approved of this, if say, she's the Devil.  She's just sitting there like, "yeah, it would be great to be naked around Dad."  Who?........

I, ugh.  I can't.  This add broke me.  I'm done.  I don't care.  This blog post can just end however.  I....want to die.

Disclaimer:  Blah, blah, this article is satirical, blah.

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Sunday, June 3, 2012

Review: Game of Thrones, Season 2.

I love Game of Thrones.  It's a bit of a problem actually as I've gotten a full back tattoo of the map of Westeros despite crying like a baby while getting it done, I've looked into changing my first name to Tyrion while also looking into if height reduction is a thing, and I've slapped a 12-year old blond kid cause he sorta looked like a sadistic monster crawling out of that McDonalds ball pit.  (That reminds me.  I need to send that kid a gift to apologize.  Maybe a fruit basket or the severed heads of his enemies).  And I love this show despite thinking it was just alright until that fateful 9th episode, "Baelor", in the 1st season.  That episode made my balls explode.  I now have a sperm count of zero.

 Raise the banners to my fallen balls.

That episode led to something unique for the second season since it's something that I'm not sure has ever really been tried.  It was a ballsy move for a TV show, but also a big risk for HBO who had to force their executives into prostitution to help pay for the shows gargantuan budget.   It led to a season 2 that would take a direction not a lot of shows take.  To avoid spoilers, see what I mean after the jump.

(So yeah.  If you are behind on this show and need to catch up, or if you want to watch this show and haven't gotten around to it, stop reading here.  The rest of this post includes spoilers, including season one which I wouldn't normally consider a spoiler at this point except that this show is on a subscription channel.  Plus, I really want to stop talking about the "Baelor" event so cryptically.)

Monday, May 28, 2012

The Loudest Conspiracy Theories on the Internet Are All Stupid, Part 2

If you missed it, part one is here.

Before continuing with the next conspiracy theories, remember to read this on the secure connection in your Freedom Fighter Bunker.  It's the only place the CIA's spy satellites can't read your thoughts.

4.  Obama Birth Certificate.

It's not accurate to say Barack Obama is the first president to have his "natural-born citizenship" status questioned.  President Chester A Arthur (who?) was thought to be born in Canada after taking office when President Garfield (the cat?) was assassinated.  He was actually born in Vermont, but considering most US citizens grasp of Geography, I can understand the confusion.  Several other presidential candidates had their eligibility's questioned too, including Mitt Romney's father George Romney, who was born in Mexico to US parents.  This fact is hilarious in its own right considering the type of people who think Obama is Kenyan are mostly Republican, but the fact that George Romney was born there because his parents were running from anti-polygamist laws in the US, and that Romney eventually lost the nomination to Richard fucking Nixon, makes this the funniest thing I've ever read.  Don't shit where you eat if you know what I mean.  Also, George Romney looks like the villain in a Martin Scorsese film.

 "I'm not NOT saying I know the mafia.  I'm just saying..."  Via Wikimedia Commons.

The previous points aside, Birthers are so Flava Flav in love with the conspiracy theory that they continue to badger the issue, like badgers are wont to do I guess, even after Obama released his birth certificate.  The certificate that was released?  Fake, according to people who took a civil law class in community college once.  Too them, it's a forgery because Obama conspired to become president of the United States when he was an infant.  Damn those Kenyan babies and their evil schemes.  On the other hand, some Birthers think the birth certificate doesn't count because it's actually a "certificate of birth", which is a totally different thing somehow.  Yes, Obama isn't eligible because of syntax.  Surely a solid argument if I've ever heard one.

"Just between you and me, all Kenyan kids want to be President of the USA more than anything else, right after clean water."

Oh, I bet a lot of Birthers are racist.  (Yeah I went there).  Nobody really gives a shit about natural-born citizenship except political opponents who are too butt hurt to accept that a candidate who runs on a platform of "I hate all you damn bitches and your confusing vaginas" isn't very popular.  The law itself is pretty stupid and outdated too.  It made sense in the 18th Century, but a modern day American is no more or less American depending on where they were born.  It's just like dumping the fillings of a taco into a deep fried bowl is no more or less a salad.  The only real motivation here is racism, unless the Birthers want to enforce other pointless laws like whale hunting in Oklahoma or making sure everybody in Kentucky bathes at least once a year.  Actually, I'm pretty sure if Kentucky enforced that law, the entire state would be imprisoned. 

5.  UFO Crash at Roswell, NM and Area 51

I almost didn't include this granddaddy of conspiracy theories because mocking UFO enthusiasts is like picking on Forrest Gump.  They've been mocked a lot.  But hey, if it makes them feel better, they will become heroes when they kamikaze their F-16's into the invading alien ships on July 4th.   Then again, they would all be Randy Quaid and nobody wants that.  

It's not that believing in aliens is weird.  For example, I think aliens probably exist. But, do I think they have ever been to Earth?  Probably not.  UFO enthusiasts seem to have a gross misunderstanding of the logistics of space travel and the sheer mind grating, soul punching, "I am, therefore, I am broccoli" size of the universe.  Granted, it is harder to fully comprehend the size of the universe than it is for Juggalos to comprehend magnets, but you would think people really into aliens with anal dildo obsessions would know more about space travel.  But I guess the ignorance of UFO fans still makes sense when they continuously get disk shaped clouds, lightning, dirt on camera lenses, and Captain America doing some practice throws of his shield confused for UFO's. 

 The invaders are a lot smaller than I expected.  Via Geograph.

It's all probability with this conspiracy theory.  Isn't it more likely that if a UFO actually crashed at Roswell NM, then it was probably a human made UFO.  And maybe, just maybe, that UFO was one of the top secret aircraft being developed at Area 51 and that's why the wreckage was taken there?  "No!", crazy people say, "Of course not!  It's WAY more likely that ET crashed at Roswell, the Men in Black showed up to erase some memories, Will Smith punched the alien out then said 'welcome to earth', then they took the wreckage to Area 51 to learn how to make iPhones and weaponize face-huggers."  

I will say this.  The most famous group of conspiracy theorists aren't dangerous or anything.  People who believe a government cover-up of aliens isn't harming anything.  These next people on the other hand....

6.  Holocaust Denial

No reason to beat around the bush on this one, (badger the issue?  beat around the bush?  Who am I today?), a vast majority of holocaust deniers are Neo-Nazis.  So unlike most conspiracy theorists who are just dumb and are in denial when shown conflicting evidence, these guys can go fuck a fire ant colony.  I hope one day they find out that their real father was that Jewish mailman mom cheated on dad with.  

The thing is, these people know a Neo-Nazi recruitment video looks a lot better if it doesn't say anything about mass murder.  I think these people know the Holocaust happened but deny it to anybody who isn't a Neo-Nazi because the "Hitler was just misunderstood" angle hasn't been working.  Their argument basically says that everybody else is a conspiracy theorist for believing that the Holocaust happened, making holocaust denial the anti-anti-conspiracy theory for pieces of shit.  So I guess believing six million people just fucking vanished is totally sane.  Also, Israel doesn't exist and I hate myself.


The only reason I'm including this on the list is because it's louder than it should be on the Internet.  Most of it is people pointing out these assholes to sane people, (which I guess I'm, shit), but I don't know why anybody is shocked to find Neo-Nazi's pushing psychotic propaganda.  It's kind of what they do.  Not to mention, it's kind of hard coming up with jokes for this entry since the punchline to every joke could be, "at least they aren't Nazi's".  It's the one group of people that if you compare them to Hitler, they take it as a complement.  I can't compete with that.

Disclaimer:  This article is mostly satirical.  Neo-Nazi's really can go fuck a fire ant colony though, or better yet, a literal fire.  

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