Friday, September 30, 2011

Rihanna, S&M, and Chris Brown

What on earth was Rihanna's producers thinking when they had her release a song called "S&M" not too long after the whole Chris Brown debacle?  Did they think a woman who just came out of an abusive relationship would be the perfect spokeswoman for torture porn?  This is like having Stanley Kubrick become a politician just after making A Clockwork Orange and running on a platform in which he envisioned a futuristic utopia. 

The song has played on various top 40 stations for months and even with that type of exposure, there has been very little blow back.  Oh wait, no.  There has been blow back against the video being too sexy, because if there is one thing we learned from Madonna's banned "Justify My Love" video is that nobody will ever see it.  It's not like the internet pretty much has free reign over showing such material.  And shit, being too sexy should be the biggest point of controversy for a song called "S&M" released by a woman known to be abused by a former boyfriend right?  Its almost as if this heroic tale of chains, whips, and bondage is being censored because society is so uncomfortable with sex that men think erections are caused by gypsy curses and women get wet from cats staring at them.

Of course Rihanna had a song called "Man Down" in which she shoots a dude who is later revealed to have sexually assaulted her.  This video also sparked controversy for portraying a message of dishing out justice yourself much like every Steven Segal movie.  A little over the top, sure, but why complain about a pop star venting some frustration?  If a Jew released a song about killing Nazis, nobody would even care seeing as how Nazi's are the only group in which it is always politically correct to talk about slaughtering. Apparently, rapists need more Hitlers.

"Man Down" shouldn't be controversial and neither should "S&M".  But...S&M should not have been released this soon.  Rihannas producers must have the tact of a blind taxidermist.  They are stuffing Rihanna full of sex symbol vitamins at a time when they should have her sing about shitty boyfriends, not about how she likes shitty boyfriends. The next time a girl complains about not being able to find a nice guy, remember it's hard to feel sympathy when all they want are Chris Browns. 

By the way, this is not a blame the victim, "she was asking for it" type of post.  Fuck these douchebags who treat women this way.  But, we live in a world where certain assholes see her songs in that sort of light, and it gives them excuses.   Plus, there is nothing wrong with the song "S&M" as long as there is some truth to it.  I just don't think there is any.

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Saturday, September 24, 2011

Worst Wedding Ever

If you are anything like me, you made a lot of mistakes when you were 21 years old. You thought alcohol made you invincible, leading to several arrests from trying to steal police Segway PT's. You once got beat up at a strip club when you decided they would let you touch the stripers if you threw a colony of ants on them then immediately try to “swat” them off. Then there was the time your friend convinced you to store a dead Starbucks Barista in the trunk of your car, only to forget about him and donate your car to a church.

One mistake I did not make was get married, which is exactly what a 21 year old family member of mine and his 20 year old wife did a few weeks ago. And just like what you would expect from two immature kids, the wedding was as boring and incomprehensible as a Family Circus cartoon. I’ve seen more excitement and logic in a wedding between a hobo and a Fleshlight. This wedding did more to damage the institution of marriage than a homosexual neo-hippie sodomizing Charles Darwin while screaming “Allah is great”!

Is now a good time to mention, Satan makes me wet?
The ceremony started fine enough with the Groom and his 178 groomsmen standing next to him. They did not walk down the aisle with the bridesmaids because one of the kids might spring an accidental boner from touching a girls arm or something. Not sure why they did that but I’m glad since it would have taken two hours with so many people having to walk.

The bridal march is the first sign of the overall weirdness and amateur nature of this entire event. The groom and his groomsmen are already standing at the altar. When it comes time for the Bride to walk down the aisle, the song you expect to hear, “The Bridal March”, is not what starts playing. Instead, we hear The Beauty and the Beast theme because if there is one thing 20 year old girls really like, it‘s Celine Dion. Maybe the bride just views the groom as some sort of rage filled sasquatch prince who is magic and, uh, cleans a castle…breathes fire? I don’t remember. I outgrew Disney movies when I was TEN.

This man has still not outgrown Disney movies. At 31.
The ceremony is thankfully short, only lasting about 20 minutes. The weirdest part was the slide show we had to watch during it. It was the same type of slide show you would normally show at a funeral rather than a wedding and it had enough melodrama that it doubled at a CBS pilot to air this fall. The music selection for the slide show was some rock ballad from Three Days Grace, Breaking Benjamin, or Three Benjamin’s Gracing Nickelback, fuck if I know. At the time, I thought the song may have been intentionally cheesy but later realized I am giving the wedding planner far too much credit for planning a prom instead of a wedding.

The wedding reception drove the stupid train over a cliff. After the short ceremony, we had the lovely privilege of waiting an hour and 45 minutes for the bridal party (then just the bride and groom) to take pictures before we could eat. Normally I wouldn’t care but this was a dry reception. No bar equals no fun at a shitty wedding. Free booze brings people together just as effectively as booze brings cars and trees together. Without it, there was only coffee and a DJ playing 1970’s funk music to keep us entertained before we realized the photographer was probably paid by the hour and needed to die before he stretches this photo session until the heat death of the universe.

We have time for one more picttttttt.......
When we finally got to eat, the food provided was a taco bar. Not even a Chipotle or Qdoba quality taco bar either. For comparisons sake, I once went to a Mexican wedding which served some kick ass Mexican food including a delicious Carne Adobada which might be the best thing I have ever eaten. This wedding, however, was like going to a Mexican wedding catered by a drug cartel that uses the catering front to launder their drug money. Nobody would actually hire them to cook food but if you did, you might have to offer up the groomsmen as drug mules to pay them off. It would be the first time an unpaid catering bill would leave somebody dead and strung up on a bridge as a warning to the others.

I was told the groom originally wanted Taco Bell and McDonalds, presumably so that he could spend the rest of the night on the toilet. Classy. I’m sure every girls dream is to have their wedding catered by a restaurant normally visited at 2:00am. Even the CEO’s of those companies wouldn’t use their own food to cater their events. The caterers did their best to match that quality though as they had to replace the original food after it sat out for too long while the bride, groom, and photographer played grab ass by the train tracks (yes, they had some pictures taken by train tracks. No, I’m not even remotely kidding).
While waiting in line to punch my colon with what may or may not be real food, I got an up close look at the wedding cake. Holy shit, I think I could have made a better cake and I have never baked a cake in my life. The monstrosity was a three tiered cake with black and red frosting, making it look like OJ Simpson’s hands after he didn’t* kill his wife. If they bought this cake from a bakery, the pastry chef probably quit in disgust claiming to never play God again.

MMMMmmm. That cake looks lovely. Needs more cow blood though.

After eating, my patience was thin. The best man gave a decent toast, the highlight of the night, followed by a bridesmaid toast who treated the groom as if he was some Dungeons and Dragons nerd who rang the doorbell on a high school cheerleaders’ party. Then a ton of one-on-one dances to shitty country songs. By the time the wedding party had to dance, with each other, (Oh my! The groomsmen have to touch the bridesmaids now! Somebody is going to get pregnant!) my girlfriend and I split. I don’t dance without alcohol or 80’s music involved.

So, do I wish the bride and groom luck? I don’t think it would help. The Vegas over/under odds on this marriage is 3 years. Lay it all on the under. Once the groom realizes he could take his marriage to the Supreme Court, due to the pussy whipping being in violation of the eighth amendment, he is going to file for divorce as hard as he possibly can. Or, the bride might find out that magic is not real, and a real prince doesn’t consider fast food on par with Gordon Ramsey.

Disclaimer: This article is based on an actual event so names were left off to hide identities. This article is satirical and in good, albeit mocking, nature. If the bride and groom do find this, I apologize for nothing.

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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

3OH!3 Sucks.

I know I'm very late to the trash 3OH!3 party as the Internet banded together in 2010 to collectively make fun of one of the worst bands in music today, but we cannot forget how truly awful they are just because they are busy working on a new album. This is a crucial time for a bands evolution as they drift behind the scenes after their big breakthrough hit like Herpes without visible sores. They will either fade into obscurity with only their hardcore dipshit fans still following them or they will reappear just in time to remind people how awful they are but still have enough fans to poison the radio for at least 5 more years. People need to forget 3OH!3 just like they forgot about all those indie bands like Modest Mouse and the YeahYeahYeahs after 2004, except some of those songs were actually good and deserved to be in the top 40. The only top 40 list 3OH!3 deserves to be in is "The Top 40 Bands Most Likely to Impregnate You Then Run Away and Refuse to Pay Child Support."
"Diamond" Dallas Page hasn't forgotten about the band using his hand gesture

This band has had two very successful singles, "Don't Trust Me" in 2008 and "My First Kiss" in 2010. All their other singles I have never heard (Or have heard but don't remember. I am opening their Wikipedia page and that is it for this blog post. I am not going to do more research than that unless I ingest enough alcohol to kill a Rhinoceros). Either of these songs could qualify as the worst song of the year or possibly even qualify as the best two songs ever recorded by monkeys.

"Don't Trust Me" is about hoes. The band being hoes, girls being hoes, and confusing Helen Keller as some sort of belly dancer. Actually, this might be the first piece of media portraying Helen Keller as a sex symbol. That would be praise worthy if it wasn't so profoundly retarded.

Everything about this song is stupid. Using the word tongue in two consecutive lines, singing about girls who kiss setlists as if that is a thing, and the cartoonish "whoas" at the end of every line in the chorus makes me think this song was used as a Guantanamo Bay torture device. Also, the misogyny in this song is rampant, an accusation the band hasn't bothered to defend themselves from. It's as if people said, "3OH!3 is just a couple of women hating future (present?) rapists" and the band just said, "Yup!"

And as if one song about hating women wasn't enough, the band had to double down by releasing a song even worse called "My First Kiss", which featured Ke$ha for three lines and who has single-handedly set women's rights back to the Middle Ages.

I guess all of their fans are in the 8th grade. And why are two twenty-somethings singing about their first kiss in the present tense? At one point they are talking about kissing under the bleachers as if they are in high school but just seconds later they are talking about sitting in the back of a car on the way to a bar. Actually, that kind of makes sense. High School girls are probably the only ones naive enough to actually make out with these dicks. Now, the fact that 3OH!3 is gloating about this is something so strange, modern science's best theory revolves around microwaves from Alpha Centauri frying the parts of their brains that regulates judgement. The police will just play this song in the interrogation room to get a confession from these idiots because they have never heard of Age of Consent laws.

Defenders of 3OH!3 will probably claim the song is about a first kiss with some hook up or new girlfriend and that the bleacher reference is about college where many students are of drinking age. Bullshit. "Can I get you at your panties" has never worked on a 21-year old or older girl in the history of bad pick up lines...I hope. If it has, then you can't really blame them for not respecting women.

The pantie line isn't the only bad one. The 2nd verse makes no sense whatsoever. "No more sailors and no more soldiers"? What does that have to do with anything? Is 3OH!3 hitting on a girl who is into military men? Sounds like you're in for a severe ass kicking. Then there is the, "Your kiss is like whiskey, it gets me drunk" line. Yeah, thanks for explaining that one to us. Either the band thought the audience didn't know the effects of whiskey, or the girl they are talking about is some sort of succubus who has whiskey for saliva. Or they are kissing a very drunk girl, which brings us full circle.

This song either implies statutory rape with a drunk high school girl or at least date rape with a drunk girl who is of age. Still don't believe me? The chorus says, "If I had it my way, you know that I'd make her say, oooooohh". Classy. The band just lays their intentions out there like it's written on a T-shirt. Their merchandise at shows would have slogans printed on them saying, "no fat chicks" and "professional booty inspector". I wouldn't be surprised if they eventually release a song where they rip off the great Christopher Walken, Blue Oyster Cult SNL sketch with a line like, "I have a fever, and the only cure for that fever, is more blowjob."

So it should be painfully obvious why this band needs to fade into obscurity. There is no guarantee they will though. They are currently recording their fourth album. I guess their fans think they don't have enough douchebags in their lives or maybe doing the Helen Keller actually was the next big dance craze to sweep the nation only nobody talked about it. This band needs to go away and people need to stop giving them money. It's the only way we can make sure they don't release a fifth album, in which I can only imagine what the track listing would look like.

Presenting, the much anticipated fifth album from 3OH!3:
Banging Chicks With Dicks. Featuring...
  1. My Dick (in your mouth)
  2. My Ass (on your face)
  3. Your Virginity Ends Tonight, Feat. Miley Cirus
  4. Two Girls, One Cup, Now My Semen.
  5. Your Pussy is Like Vodka, it ALSO Gets Me Drunk, Feat. Britney Spears
  6. Blowjob Hotel
  7. Bukkake, You Likey?
  8. Stairway to Heaven
  9. Deep Anal
  10. Hangin at the High School With a 12 Pack of Wine Coolers
  11. Boner For Sale
  12. We Are Terrible People, Feat. Chris Brown
The album will be released without a hint of irony. It will take a good month or so for one of the band members to realize the album was supposed to be titled "Banging Chicks with OUR Dicks".

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and based on opinion. I claim nothing as fact unless otherwise sourced. 3OH!3 is not the worst band ever. That would be Insane Clown Posse.

"Don't Trust Me" and "My First Kiss" is owned by Photo Finish Records, a subsidiary of Atlantic Records and Warner Music Group.

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Sunday, September 4, 2011

No Longer Caring About Being Caught in a Bad Romance

I used to follow music really closely. I would know when the next Nine Inch Nails or Queens of the Stone Age album would be coming out, when they would be visiting Denver on tour, what other bands would be playing with them, and what groupies might confuse me for a band member so that I could sign their tits, "El Pene Grande". On the flip side of that coin, I would launch into an angry diatribe about pop music to anyone who would listen, thinking that somehow my superior intellect on the subject would expose pop stars for who and what they are as if the music industry is covering up the truth like an Area 51 weather balloon. I made it my mission to destroy the popularity of the not-so-manly boy bands and STD crusted pop star skanks so that a new Nirvana could rise up and take over. But then I realized there is a reason American Idol is so popular and my position is one in which I'm fighting an empire with a suggestion box.


Pop music is not, and never was, for people who know anything about music. It caters to the lowest common denominator of human intelligence so that it can attract as many people as possible. It's target audience is everybody (Or, more importantly, teenagers who actually spend a lot of money on music until they realize beer is a better investment).

Add in the fact that the internet has deluded the market with so much mediocrity that finding a great new band is about as likely as finding the ghost of Jimi Hendrix at a Jonas Brothers concert, I stopped caring. I still like and dislike certain bands, artists, and such. It just doesn't matter as much to me anymore. I am defeated. I cannot look enough like Mick Jagger for Ke$ha to listen to me.
Sing "Paint it Black"!

The reason I stopped caring is because there is no new Nirvana on the horizon. Nobody is going to come save the pop charts from looking like the collage of posters on a 16-year-old girls wall. Look at what each genre has.
  • Rock music doesn't make the pop charts anymore except for a one hit wonder every now and then. Oh, and also Nickelback, which I think is written for 40-year-old women in dive bars. If you like Nickelback you have failed as a human being having any valid opinion on anything.
  • Country music has always been mostly terrible because it absolutely refuses to break out of it's own little enclave. Taylor Swift and Carrie Underwood don't count. They are not country and people know it but won't admit it. They are pop stars with country flavor. They are like a crappy bottled juice drink that contains only 10% juice. They are the Sunny D of country music.
  • R&B and hip hop cross over so much they could easily apply for a domestic partnership. They are the two genres that said they were okay with Nelly singing "UH-UH-UH HEY" in a so called love song. That is about as heartfelt as screaming at squirrels. 80% of the artists in this genre are still singing/rapping about the same thing they were in the 90's, money and hoes, so I don't think this genre is going to reinvent itself anytime soon.
  • "Pop" music will only change if record company producers decide to change it. Which they won't since record companies learned the entirely wrong lesson from the piracy thing (just sue everybody) and have found out how to make money again. Besides, "Pop" music is king and when something goes stale they just recycle it rather than look for something new. Is the current crop of pop starlets like Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, and Ke$ha really any different then the late 90's explosion of Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Jessica Simpson? They are all just sex symbols with various degrees of singing talent, highly publicized trainwrecks, and the ability to make people question if having sex with them would be fatal. Note - I always thought calling this genre as "Pop" stupid. Technically, all music that is not orchestral is pop music. That would be like calling all caffeinated drinks coffee.
It appears we are stuck with the same music over and over again. No point fighting it. Old acts will disappear but new ones will come along to take their place and they will sound like updated versions of the same bleepidy-bloopidy my first kiss went a little something like...oh man, fuck 3OH!3.

"What? You think WE are douchebags! Well, you're right."

You know what, I take it back. All it took was a little 3OH!3, an embarrassment to my home state, to reignite the fire. Well, actually the fire might be from the burning sensation I feel every time I have to type a dollar sign to spell Ke$haaa-AH! GOD IT BURNS LIKE SYPHILIS!

I still don't care if pop music as a whole never changes but one thing must change. 3OH!3 can no longer be a part of it. Hopefully their 15 minutes of fame is over and their fourth album bombs so hard the President will have to propose building a memorial at the offices of their record label. I think people are starting to realize they are a massive mistake but just in case people don't get it, I better hammer the point home in an entire blog post devoted to them.

Disclaimer: This article is all opinion. Your music sucks. Bite me.

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