Wednesday, September 14, 2011

3OH!3 Sucks.

I know I'm very late to the trash 3OH!3 party as the Internet banded together in 2010 to collectively make fun of one of the worst bands in music today, but we cannot forget how truly awful they are just because they are busy working on a new album. This is a crucial time for a bands evolution as they drift behind the scenes after their big breakthrough hit like Herpes without visible sores. They will either fade into obscurity with only their hardcore dipshit fans still following them or they will reappear just in time to remind people how awful they are but still have enough fans to poison the radio for at least 5 more years. People need to forget 3OH!3 just like they forgot about all those indie bands like Modest Mouse and the YeahYeahYeahs after 2004, except some of those songs were actually good and deserved to be in the top 40. The only top 40 list 3OH!3 deserves to be in is "The Top 40 Bands Most Likely to Impregnate You Then Run Away and Refuse to Pay Child Support."
"Diamond" Dallas Page hasn't forgotten about the band using his hand gesture

This band has had two very successful singles, "Don't Trust Me" in 2008 and "My First Kiss" in 2010. All their other singles I have never heard (Or have heard but don't remember. I am opening their Wikipedia page and that is it for this blog post. I am not going to do more research than that unless I ingest enough alcohol to kill a Rhinoceros). Either of these songs could qualify as the worst song of the year or possibly even qualify as the best two songs ever recorded by monkeys.

"Don't Trust Me" is about hoes. The band being hoes, girls being hoes, and confusing Helen Keller as some sort of belly dancer. Actually, this might be the first piece of media portraying Helen Keller as a sex symbol. That would be praise worthy if it wasn't so profoundly retarded.

Everything about this song is stupid. Using the word tongue in two consecutive lines, singing about girls who kiss setlists as if that is a thing, and the cartoonish "whoas" at the end of every line in the chorus makes me think this song was used as a Guantanamo Bay torture device. Also, the misogyny in this song is rampant, an accusation the band hasn't bothered to defend themselves from. It's as if people said, "3OH!3 is just a couple of women hating future (present?) rapists" and the band just said, "Yup!"

And as if one song about hating women wasn't enough, the band had to double down by releasing a song even worse called "My First Kiss", which featured Ke$ha for three lines and who has single-handedly set women's rights back to the Middle Ages.

I guess all of their fans are in the 8th grade. And why are two twenty-somethings singing about their first kiss in the present tense? At one point they are talking about kissing under the bleachers as if they are in high school but just seconds later they are talking about sitting in the back of a car on the way to a bar. Actually, that kind of makes sense. High School girls are probably the only ones naive enough to actually make out with these dicks. Now, the fact that 3OH!3 is gloating about this is something so strange, modern science's best theory revolves around microwaves from Alpha Centauri frying the parts of their brains that regulates judgement. The police will just play this song in the interrogation room to get a confession from these idiots because they have never heard of Age of Consent laws.

Defenders of 3OH!3 will probably claim the song is about a first kiss with some hook up or new girlfriend and that the bleacher reference is about college where many students are of drinking age. Bullshit. "Can I get you at your panties" has never worked on a 21-year old or older girl in the history of bad pick up lines...I hope. If it has, then you can't really blame them for not respecting women.

The pantie line isn't the only bad one. The 2nd verse makes no sense whatsoever. "No more sailors and no more soldiers"? What does that have to do with anything? Is 3OH!3 hitting on a girl who is into military men? Sounds like you're in for a severe ass kicking. Then there is the, "Your kiss is like whiskey, it gets me drunk" line. Yeah, thanks for explaining that one to us. Either the band thought the audience didn't know the effects of whiskey, or the girl they are talking about is some sort of succubus who has whiskey for saliva. Or they are kissing a very drunk girl, which brings us full circle.

This song either implies statutory rape with a drunk high school girl or at least date rape with a drunk girl who is of age. Still don't believe me? The chorus says, "If I had it my way, you know that I'd make her say, oooooohh". Classy. The band just lays their intentions out there like it's written on a T-shirt. Their merchandise at shows would have slogans printed on them saying, "no fat chicks" and "professional booty inspector". I wouldn't be surprised if they eventually release a song where they rip off the great Christopher Walken, Blue Oyster Cult SNL sketch with a line like, "I have a fever, and the only cure for that fever, is more blowjob."

So it should be painfully obvious why this band needs to fade into obscurity. There is no guarantee they will though. They are currently recording their fourth album. I guess their fans think they don't have enough douchebags in their lives or maybe doing the Helen Keller actually was the next big dance craze to sweep the nation only nobody talked about it. This band needs to go away and people need to stop giving them money. It's the only way we can make sure they don't release a fifth album, in which I can only imagine what the track listing would look like.

Presenting, the much anticipated fifth album from 3OH!3:
Banging Chicks With Dicks. Featuring...
  1. My Dick (in your mouth)
  2. My Ass (on your face)
  3. Your Virginity Ends Tonight, Feat. Miley Cirus
  4. Two Girls, One Cup, Now My Semen.
  5. Your Pussy is Like Vodka, it ALSO Gets Me Drunk, Feat. Britney Spears
  6. Blowjob Hotel
  7. Bukkake, You Likey?
  8. Stairway to Heaven
  9. Deep Anal
  10. Hangin at the High School With a 12 Pack of Wine Coolers
  11. Boner For Sale
  12. We Are Terrible People, Feat. Chris Brown
The album will be released without a hint of irony. It will take a good month or so for one of the band members to realize the album was supposed to be titled "Banging Chicks with OUR Dicks".

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and based on opinion. I claim nothing as fact unless otherwise sourced. 3OH!3 is not the worst band ever. That would be Insane Clown Posse.

"Don't Trust Me" and "My First Kiss" is owned by Photo Finish Records, a subsidiary of Atlantic Records and Warner Music Group.

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