Saturday, July 28, 2012

Pointless Gripe Special Edition: Hitting on a Baby Boomer

One of my customers tonight, probably 65 years old or more, was taken aback when I called her "honey".  She responded by claiming, "that's my husband over there" while pointing to a man who thinks denim is the greatest fabric of all time.  While they were leaving, the old man supposedly whispered something about me hitting on his wife, which makes me really, really wish a complaint is filed with corporate about me hitting on a baby boomer.  Nothing would show my disdain for THE MAN more than getting a complaint over me hoping to get into some granny panties.

You might be asking, "Why did you call an old lady honey?" and to that I say, "Of course I fucking didn't".   I asked her, "Would you like anything else?".  How she got "honey" out of that is something only old people with limited hearing know, or possibly Dementia.  Plus, I think my girlfriend might have something to say about me hitting on a woman who probably remembers watching the moon landing on TV. 

Besides, if I was going to hit on an old lady who remembers the Cuban Missile Crisis, I would be a little more discreet about it.  I have some class, thank you very much.  I'd probably go to some weird old person dating site and create myself a profile (assuming they know what the Internet is).  But what would a woman born in the 1950's look for in a man....

Profile Name:  JFKlikeBONER6969

Age:  29.

Height: Patriotic American.

Weight:  Ideal Muscle Type.

Sign:  Leo (Rawwwr).

Hobbies:  Hiding under desks during nuclear war drills and being confused about modern technology. 

 

 

Turn-ons:  Cold War, McCarthyism, segregation and pregnant women who spend all day baking me a pie in the kitchen.

 

Turn-offs:  Communism, Ho Chi Minh, Negroes, Orientals, Mexicans (basically anybody who isn't white because that's why we fought the Krauts) and Womens rights (because I'm sexist too).

 

Pick-up Line:  I want to draft you into the military (of my heart).

 

What I'm looking for in a lover:  I want somebody who remembers the "good ole days" when presidents were white, women couldn't vote, and gays didn't exist.  I want you to want 7, maybe 8 children, a white picket fence made out of American wood instead of that shitty Australian wood, and for you to remember your place because I am the man of the house.

 

If you're interested, how to contact me:  Preferably by telegraph.  This site says "E-mail" (???) is best but I don't know what that is.  I think it means "European Mail" but my father didn't fight the Japs to let them run my mail.  And don't be like these young kids who keep telling me, "Japan isn't in Europe" because I know it is, right next to Canada.  



Disclaimer:  This article is VERY satirical and I'm sure not every old person is racist, sexist, and poor with Geography.

Follow on Twitter, like the blog on Facebook, or contact me at robothookerparty@comcast.net.  Unless you're an old person than don't.  Then again, that probably all looked like gibberish anyway.   

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Rush Limbaugh Thinks The Dark Knight Rises is Promoting Obama

Sentient bag of mayonnaise and radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, thinks the villain in The Dark Knight Rises is named Bane to brainwash people into voting for Obama because it will remind people about Mitt Romney's time running Bain Capital.  Limbaugh said this on his radio program yesterday to his legion of fans from real 'Murica (fuck yeah). That happens to be the same time the company closed a bunch of factories and shipped jobs overseas while Romney simultaneously became even more filthy stinking rich while maniacally laughing over blueprints for his weather machine.

 "Mitt Romney is my homeboy".  Via Fotopedia.

I don't know Rush, that seems like a stretch.  Then again, maybe Obama knew this was going to happen in 1993 when the Batman villain was created.  Yeah, it just makes too much sense.  Obama's team of secret communist psychics planted the seed of a mudslinging campaign 19 years before said campaign even got started.  They created the villain, pulled strings to make sure the Satanists at Warner Bros. hired Christopher Nolan to reboot Batman as a gun hating democrat, and bribed Nolan with three Hawaiian islands to make Bane the villain in the third movie.  That must be why the movie includes a line from Bane saying, "When Gotham is ashes, you have my permission to die".  He was talking about Gotham factories to hard working factory workers that Mitt Romney in no way laid off!  No sir, not that true American.  He's so American, he doesn't even know what a soccer ball is.  But if he saw one, he would instinctly hate it.

 Moments before the ball caused the BP oil spill.

Sarcasm aside, is Rush Limbaugh that out of touch?  I know he is a racist, sexist, homophobic, pain killer addicted, hateful bigot the size of Pluto, but does he actually believe the things he says?  The connection he thinks is there doesn't exist.  It's about as likely as the Avengers brainwashing us into hating special ops military units because Nick Fury assembled a team that includes a scientist who probably believes in evolution and is also a dangerous rage monster who can destroy a city by himself.  Plus, that movie makes us think America's enemies are lead by a demi-god with an elaborate hat!  It's a ploy to make us hate the Pope!  I bet Captain America was born in Canada too!

Actually, the Avengers analogy isn't very good.  Limbaugh obviously knows America's enemies are gay sex and women who leave the kitchen.

 "If only I stopped Loki before he gave that lady an abortion."

The funniest part of this is that even if there was a connection between the Batman villain Bane and Mitt Romney, Limbaugh is just upset that the connection was made.  The fact that Nolan would be calling Mitt Romney a villain indirectly in this case?  NOT AN ISSUE.  He's okay with that I guess, but this is a guy who probably thought Christians were the good guys during the Crusades.  The connection wouldn't even be an issue if, you know, Mitt Romney didn't take inspiration from comic villains while working at Bain Capital.  If only Romney would have replaced all his employees with penguins, then Limbaugh could complain about Batman Begins instead and how that movie did not accurately portray Romney's platform of "more penguins with back mounted rockets for everybody".

The Dark Knight Rises has absurdly high expectations (so high that I think the movie will come up a little short for me) and is expected to rival the Avengers in box office sales.  However, if the movie has even a slight influence on the presidential race, I will eat a light bulb.  Rush Limbaugh is insane, this is not news, but this opinion on a Batman villain seems crazy for even the craziest of "Obama is an alien from the planet SocialistTaxTopiaVille and his healthcare law makes George Washington cry" crazy people.

Even the Joker thinks Limbaugh is crazy, although when he heard of what Limbaugh said, he nearly laughed to death.  Laughing at what he says is probably the best option though.  Rush Limbaugh everybody!  Making the Joker look sane.  


Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and Rush Limbaugh isn't nearly as relevant as people think he is.  He has to keep saying crazy things for people to pay attention.  It's the only way a Gamorrean from Star Wars can have a job on the radio.  

Follow on Twitter to become as cool as Batman.  Like the blog on Facebook to receive +5 patriotism.  Contact me at robothookerparty@comcast.net to learn how Spiderman promotes taxing the wealthy. 

Thursday, July 12, 2012

About the Starship Troopers Reboot

Starship Troopers is just another brainless, overly violent, action movie.  The lead actors wouldn't land leading roles in a high school play of "Romeo & Juliet Versus Harold & Kumar".  The aliens are just generic bugs whose motivations range from "What's that bright light?" to "Don't eat the larvae or the queen will eat me."  The movie includes one of the dumbest romantic subplots to ever exist outside of roughly 2,000 romantic comedies.

Also, this is one of the most brilliant movies of all time.

Do your part!  Die for the stupid, stupid cause!
 
That's right.  This movie is perhaps the most subversive war movie since Hollywood still made war movies that were subversive.  It's a satire with a merciless anti-war, anti-militarism, and anti-fascism message.  Its' satire is so good in fact that many people didn't get it when it first came out, including self proclaimed fans of the movie and I assume the lizard people who made the straight to DVD sequels.  I'm not sure HOW people missed the point considering the movie was pretty overt with its' in film propaganda reels, white super models living in Argentina, and a war strategy reminiscent of Zapp Brannigan from Futurama (do the bugs have a maximum kill limit?).  The movie even has a scene where a guy claims that the very idea of a bug that can think is offensive.  Uh, why?  How?  We know chimps are pretty smart but I don't see anybody claiming offense to be compared to chimps - oh right.  

It's with the brainless action movie theme that Starship Troopers stands out from modern movies with similar styles.  Now days, most action movies are just military recruitment ads.  Take Battle: Los Angeles for example.  That movie said the word "Marine" more often than the Avengers movie had scenes where the characters worried about the Hulk wiping out a civilization.  That movie had the main character name an 8 year-old boy a marine only minutes after his dad died because Marines don't cry soldier!  Pull up your Osh-Kosh B-Gosh pants, put on your Spongebob sweatshirt, and lets go kill some fucking alien fucks!  Actually, I think at some point during that, subtlety died.

 Aliens are attacking.  Please take this detour to the nearest armed forces recruitment office.

Starship Troopers ramps all the brainless action movie cliches up to prove the point, war is stupid.  The characters are bad actors because a good actor might submarine the whole intent of the story.  You're not supposed to root for the main character.  And it's not because the main character is a bad guy, it's because he's stupid.  Like, Charlie Sheen stupid or Casper Van Dien stupid.  The romantic subplot is supposed to be trite.  Verhoeven purposely jacked up the volume of the terrible Mazzy Star song "Fade Into You" during the two rival love interests fight scene as if they should make out instead of poorly fist fight like two drunken frat brothers named Chaz and Geoff.  The romantic subplot doesn't matter when you're all about to horribly die in some pointless war. A war that the humans probably started (the reporter argues about humans encroaching on the bugs natural habitat) because how in the hell can bugs launch an asteroid at a planet?  Also, why would they do that?  Earth is on the other side of the freaking galaxy.  This seems like the best excuse for war since weapons of mass destruction.  Actually, it's the same excuse only the bugs actually used theirs (supposedly).

It's just a great, great movie.  One that many people didn't even realize is great or why, but the subversive satire just rips up the very idea of war so satisfactory that we would have peace on Earth if everyone watched it and understood it.  The end.

 And that's that.  Nothing more to see here.

Huh?

Oh right, nevermind.  Lets forget all that, remove the satire, make it more patriotic, aka; make a straight adaptation of the novel the movie is based on that is very pro-militarism and very pro-fascism without a hint of irony, and even tone down the violence because they probably want to make this reboot PG-13 holy fucking shit I hate everything.  What goat blowing, mule punching, snake licking, chick dicking, tick flicking, sick kicking, mother fucking sack of cunt shits thinks this is a good idea?  Goddamnit.  Where's the asprin?


This is the worst idea since Hollywood thought turning board games about putting pegs into holes and somehow....ALIENS would be a great movie.  Actually, no, this is worse.  At least Battleship isn't ruining the legacy of a great movie that already exists.  This is taking a great movie that may have been a little ahead of it's time but a cult classic now, and tearing out it's soul while taking a shit in it's bloated, mutilated corpse.  Just thinking about rebooting Starship Troopers with a pro-fascist message should qualify as a war crime.   

Don't believe me?  The douchebag trying to make this movie, "if you cut him he bleeds money and cocaine" producer Toby Jaffe (Nice name, Toby.  Shouldn't you be a 1980's ski instructor or something) actually said, haha, he actually fucking said, and I quote, "Y’know, one man’s fascism is another man’s patriotism."  No irony.  No sarcasm.  Straight up bullshit, like, as if I'm being punk'd.  Am I...being punk'd?  Is Ashton Kutcher producing this too?

 Please.  Don't do this.  Via. Fotopedia.

If there is justice in this world, this movie will not be made.  I'm sure this movie doesn't have the fan base for an uprising but that wouldn't matter anyway.  It's never worked before.  Ugh.  I need a drink.


Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and I'm not all that angry that they are rebooting, oh who am I kidding, yes I am.  Worst idea ever!  Stop this madness Toby, stop it.  

Would you like to know more?  Twiiter, Facebook, robothookerparty@comcast.net.

Friday, July 6, 2012

About The Judge Dredd Reboot

The 1995 Judge Dredd movie starring a Sylvester Stallone in permanent sneer mode is pretty damn awful.  The overacting bravado of Stallone made Dredd out to be some sort of meat head who shoots first, rambles about Civics 101 later (basically the cop version of Rambo but without the sad back story).  The story is a typical frame job, redemption arc where Judge Dredd is stripped of his judgeship and later who cares.  A Judge Dredd movie where Dredd isn't a judge for most of it?  Great idea!  An even better idea?  Casting Rob Schneider as the comic relief.  Genius!  Out of the park Hollywood!  Enjoy your panda steaks.

 The movie was faithful to the bad dialogue though.

Needless to say, Judge Dredd needed a reboot more than any movie in the history of cinema other than possibly The Golden Compass.  And okay, maybe not in the history of cinema, but Rob Schneider ruins movies just by looking in their general direction.  I don't think there is a single actor more universally despised than him and I just gave him a compliment by calling him an "actor".  Adam Sandler should be given a humanitarian award just because of the charity he gives this man by keeping his career alive.

I was psyched when I heard about the reboot coming out this September.  The casting of Karl Urban as Dredd seemed a little odd but I didn't care.  Judge Dredd isn't exactly a multi-dimensional character (that Stallone still screwed up).  Lena Headey is the villain, which is tits.  Most importantly, no comic relief character that wasn't needed the first fucking time.  This was going to be the gritty, dark, amoral Judge Dredd movie the first one was supposed to be.  The law is back baby!  Let's see that trailer.


Holy shit, who choose the music?  It's pretty damn jarring to go from La Roux dance mix 2000 to Inception noise.  And by the looks of the setting, is this Judge Dredd in Tower Heist?  It looks like most of the movie will take place in one tower, followed by a chase sequence on the highway in the third act.  I guess he isn't going to be spending the 2nd act in the wastelands fist fighting mutants, so that's a good thing, but I have reservations for a movie that probably won't be able to pull off the Die Hard, entire movie is in one tower setting.  Mostly because one movie is Die Hard, and the other has a screenplay from the guy who wrote Never Let Me Go.

Honestly though, this looks like it will be an enjoyable film that has the proper Judge Dredd characteristics.  It certainly looks darker than the first film and sounds like it too since Dredd talks like Christian Bale's Batman.  The trailer didn't hint at if the movie will be violent enough for a real Judge Dredd movie, but the R rating helps put those fears to rest.  The biggest complaint I see from other people is the change to his uniform, but I don't have a problem with it.  His uniform in the comics, and to some degree the first movie, makes Dredd look like a gaudy flamenco dancer who just jumped off a float at Carniv├íle.  Hard to include that in a gritty movie if the audience can't take the main character seriously.

 I am the law.  Via Flickr.

I am optimistic for Dredd.  I haven't said that in a long time regarding a reboot but this one actually felt needed.  Also, you know what, it's weird to write about a movie reboot that I think I might like.  Really weird.  It's almost as if, something else, is happening to off set it.  That can't be true though....

Oh?  What's this?   


Disclaimer:  Dredd will not take off his helmet in this movie.  Calling it.

Follow me on Mega-City Twitter.  Like the blog on Facebook because I am the law.  Contact me at robothookerparty@comcast.net because I have a great movie idea for Rob Schneider.  

Monday, July 2, 2012

7 Facts About This Blog.

Whoa, hey.  I'm a little late on this but Robot Hooker Party has been a blog for over a year now.  I started it on June 11th, 2011.  So hooray and stuff!  It was a memorable day indeed, mostly because I found a Hangin' With Mr. Cooper marathon on TV, but starting a blog is something I almost remembered.  I remembered now though and this post is going to make up for it.  And that's the lesson here, always be yourself.   

Those early days were fun, rocking out with, like, four readers.  Barely enough people to make up a shindig but not quite enough for a hootenanny.  Today, the blog is up to about 12ish, so that's a thing.  Yup.  12 non-commenting assholes readers who may be completely unaware that they can comment anonymously cause I'm cool like that.  Yup.  Even, you know, those hits that happen to be spambots.  You guys can comment too.  I'll probably delete those but it would be nice to know you actually CARE about me maybe wanting to buy Viagra or wanting to increase the size of my penis.  Yup.  I'm not lonely at all.  Not even a little.  It's just so quiet in here.  Maybe, too quiet (hint, hint).

 This is serious business.  Via Fotopedia.

Now that I got that self-loathing out of the way, here are some fun facts about the blog that you never knew you cared about.

1.  Blogpost with the most hits:  How Did Adele Get So Popular?

Apparently, a lot of people are asking Google this same question.  Too bad I didn't really answer the question and got sidetracked about bear fighting (happens to me a lot), but at least I covered what wasn't the answer.  I don't know the answer anyway seeing as how it probably has something to do with record executives owing Adele a favor for all those unicorn tears she gave them to drink.

Actually, the bodily fluids of horned ponies probably explains these same executives decision to bring boy bands back too, considering rainbow hallucinations remind me of a time when people were more in sync with their communities.  A time when boys would dance with new kids in the backstreets of the block I grew up on.  Even when it was 98 degrees outside and those stupid LFO kids were trying to talk everybody into shopping at Abercrombie and Fitch.  It was a time when we weren't afraid to make our requests live, totally.  But, alas, I guess all boyz must grow in 2 men.*

* - There were way too many puns in that paragraph.  I apologize.**

** - No I don't.

2.  Blog post with the most hits because of a picture search:  About the Robocop Reboot

Everybody wants to see the picture of Robocop with a giant chin.  Fun Fact:  That chin doubles as a can opener.

3.  Strangest search that led to this blog:  "Painted Penis by Female Artists"

I know this is due to me making a barbed penis joke in the caption of a woman who I labelled as a painter in the "Is Indie Music Returning to the Pop Charts?  Again?" post.  That's not the weird part.  The weird part is somebody made that search and clicked on a Robot Hooker Party post, four times.  I'm now curious to know what this majestic dick is that people are looking for but I'm not actually curious enough to search for it because I know I'm going to end up with pictures of Smurf cock.

Are they looking at the sheet music or.....

I'm also curious about the "female artists", plural, since this seems like a difficult club to get into.  I've never had one female want to paint my junk, let alone several.  And do they all paint it at the same time?  What does the guy do during all of this?  I...I'm probably thinking about this too hard.  It's probably just a few women taking turns gluing sparkles on a dildo. 

4.  Number of hits from people searching for ACTUAL robot hookers and hooker parties(I think):  18

I can't be certain that any of these people were looking for actual robot hookers or hooker parties, but Google knows what they like and Google doesn't judge.  I do, however, and I'm afraid to tell you that looking up hooker parties online doesn't seem like the most discreet way to plan your get together.  That seems like the best way to throw an undercover cop party though.

But hey, almost half of these searches came from one country.....

5.  Most number of hits from a country that isn't the United States:  Russia

I know.  You thought I was going to say Japan huh?  I'm disappointed too.  I guess not all stereotypes are true.

 Land of mystery.  And happy flu elves?

But I don't know what the Russians are thinking, sending off all their attractive females as mail order brides in favor of Replicants.  This would dishonor their motherland and worst of all, dishonor the ghost of Lenin.  And how would these alcoholics even be able to charge the batteries of their robotic hookers while living in their Siberian Igloos?  I don't think it would be very welcoming to return home from a hard days work in the salt mines to find a human shaped paper weight laying on the ground.  To be fair, it would be better than what they currently return home too, which is a drunk donkey that got into the liquor cabinet again. 

6.  Most page views by browser:  Internet Explorer

..............really?

7.  Search keywords that are most likely to bring someone here:  Porn Dicks

What is this?  WHAT IS THIS?!?!  And...the highest the blog ever appeared under this search was fifteenth place?  How is that possible when there should be about 7.3 Septillion links that should appear before this blog in a Google search for "porn dicks".  Granted, nobody searching for that actually clicked on the blog except one hugely disappointed person, but this is shockingly high for two words I have never put togeth - oh, right.  I DID put those two words in the same sentence in the "Bad Tippers with Worse Excuses" post.  No wonder every time I take off my pants my webcam turns on.

 Yeah boyeeeeee.

Funny how a blog with the word "hooker" in the title would come up so high in a porn related search that didn't include the word "hooker".  And I know I could have named the blog Baby Kitten Basket and porn related searches would still find it.  That's not the point.  I'm just saying Google needs to get it's shit together because Lycos and Hotbot are search engines too and they just might be the next big thing.  At this rate, Google might not be around for much longer with this level of incompetence.  I mean, I might have to move this blog to Geocities.


Disclaimer:  This is a blog.  Not a porn site.

Follow me on Twitter, what ever THAT is.  Like the blog on Facebook because I hear it's better than Myspace but I don't know.  Contact me at robothookerparty@comcast.net with...electronic, mail?  
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