Monday, June 25, 2012

Pointless Gripe: Restaurant Regulars

This bugs the shit out of me.  I can't help it.  This isn't even that big of a deal.  But when people eat the same thing, at the same restaurant every "countdown towards death" day, it is one of the most pathetic things I have ever seen and I've seen people Larping in the park by my apartment.  The only thing more pathetic would be eating at the same place more than once on the same day, everyday, which yes there are people who do that too.  I liked life better when I didn't know these people exist.  Now I have to wonder if there is heroin in the food.

 "Finally I can finish making the soup of the day:  Narcotic Bisque."

In the restaurant industry, these people are known as "regulars", or as I call them, "somebody who is wasting my goddamn time why the hell are you here again you fucking loser"?  Regulars think they form some sort of bond with the restaurant staff and are now totally your friend which hey, you should give them a free beer buddy.  Friends do that right?  The problem is the relationship is more like the Regular has a dependency problem and the restaurant staff are the only people who can get them their fix, rather than a real friend.  Friends tip better too. 

There are exceptions, but the restaurant staff couldn't give less of a shit about the Regulars 90% of the time.  This is especially true when the Regulars all start to know one another and poor bartenders start hearing a thousand different versions of the same story.  People in the restaurant industry don't care that Regular #127 slept with Regular #92 but Regular #31 is going to tell you all about it because he's really angry about it and hey, you should give him a free beer!  He's pretty depressed.  Then again, the only reason these people know each other is because they can't get enough all-you-can-eat seafood Saturdays.  It's pathetic that someones personal life can be effected by crustaceans. 


Regulars are even weirder in fast food.  Despite living in an industrialized society in the year 2012 that features food production on an unprecedented scale never seen before in human history, there are people who would rather eat the same disgusting McDonalds cheeseburger every day presumably because taking up smoking would kill them too slowly.  Healthy eaters are not any better though.  Or maybe I should say, "healthy", as some people eat Subway everyday because that Jared guy lost a bunch of weight, but he didn't put double meat, triple cheese, and a pint of mayo on his sandwiches.  Then there is people who eat Del Taco everyday but I'm not sure if that should count as nothing on their menu constitutes as food.  It's pretty decent after a night of drinking though and hey, my friend is a bartender.  I should totally get a free beer.  

But it's the safe choice right?  At least they know what they are getting, right?  Well, seeing as how most people understand what is in their food about as well as they understand nuclear fission, they probably never realized the chicken they have been eating is actually just processed rubber.  Or maybe they think they will get the real stuff now that they are friends with the staff and hey, you should totally give them a free beer!  You are friends now remember?

 Oh yeah, friend.  I got some real eggs for you.  They are a little old though.

You know what?  I'm starting to think people become Regulars because they want free shit.  Well it doesn't work.  Mostly.  Sometimes a Regular will finally get a free beer but only after they've already bought 5.  That's a lot of money for a supposedly free drink.  It's like trying to win a $1 Million lottery by buying $15 million's worth of lottery tickets.

So I don't get it.  Why become a Regular?  If there is nothing in it for you, don't become one.  Your existence annoys me.



It is possible to be a Regular without me wondering what the hell is wrong with you.  However, there are only a few ways this can work.
  1. Regular at a bar within walking distance of home. - This just makes sense.  It's practical.  There is probably a bush on the walk home that can be used as a public restroom.  Cabs afford no such luxury, not that it makes any difference to drunk assholes in K-Swiss polo shirts.
  2. Friends or family work there. - Much better chance at free beer since these people are actually your friends.  However, this is only acceptable at most, once a week, preferably less. Being an everyday Regular in this situation reeks of clingy spouses.  How many people would want their friends and family visiting them every day at work?  I only request my girlfriend send me text updates of where she is, who she's with, what she is doing, what she is thinking about, what her favorite Wes Anderson movie is, her answer to who would win in a fight between Thomas Edison and Leonardo Di Vinci, and why it took her so long to text me, every 5 minutes.
  3. It's the only place to eat in town - I'll allow it even though you should probably move to a better town.  Well, unless you are one of those creepy hill people serial killers.  If so, than please, stay there and call the FBI.  It stands for The Food Bus Institution.  They deliver food to you I swear!
  4. It is, somehow, the only place you can eat without getting an allergic reaction. - I'm not sure how that is possible, and I don't think this situation actually exists, but yeah, sure.  I guess being a Regular is better than dying but is it truly living anymore?

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and Regulars don't actually bother me that much unless you are a Regular who tips like shit.  What is the point in that?  You'll never get a free beer that way.  

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Monday, June 18, 2012

4 90's Bands That Haven't Aged Well

A few months ago, I mentioned in a blog post about how I like to listen to 90's music from time to time because I'm nostalgic at an early age.  (Wait, did I say I "mentioned" that?  It was more like "drunkenly rambled", which is how I talk about most things).  Whenever I go on these nostalgia trips - *Buuuuurp*, I'm surprised to find myself liking songs I didn't used to like.  It's as if these formally mediocre songs have aged like a fine wine, somehow making these songs good in retrospect.  I assume anyway, as the only fine wine I've ever had was a glass of Arbor Mist that a Frenchmen spit in.

Not all 90's bands have aged like a fine wine though.  Some have aged more like that case of MD 20/20 I forgot about in the closet for three years.  Even nostalgia goggles can't save them.  Beer goggles might, but only if you are drinking Evil Eye malt liquor. 

 This band tastes like Evil Eye.  The beer sounds okay though.

These are four 90's bands that haven't aged well.

1.  Matchbox 20

First of all, is their band name Matchbox 20 or Matchbox Twenty?  Secondly, what does Boxmatch 20 even mean?  Is it in reference to that entire pack of cigarettes they smoked that one night when they were debating how to make the band not suck anymore?  I guess the idea they agreed on was not being Latchknox 40 anymore and letting Rob Thomas cheat on the band with Santana.  The song he did with Santana,"Smooth", was way more popular than any Catchflax 2000 song ever was.  I assume Rob Thomas begged Santana to make him a permanent member of his band but Santana refused because Thomas is not nearly as Mexican as he claimed.  No Mexican would grow that ridiculous fucking mullet.

Flatmax 60 was inexplicably popular in the 90's despite sucking the rock out of alternative rock.  They were alternative alright, just more like the alternative choice for people who thought Everclear was too edgy.  Their only purpose was to give VH1 something to show when they ran out of Savage Garden videos.  VH1 loved them hard actually.  They talked about Natchblast 22 more than they showed the Behind the Music episode of Motley Crue.  I'm amazed every VH1 countdown about the 90's isn't just filled with Rob Thomas arguing about how he invented the Emo look with the video to "Unwell".

Crazy.  Unwell.  Dropping acid.  Whatever.

2. The Rembrandts

When the most lasting legacy of a band is, "Theme song from Friends," then the band can never call themselves artists ever again.  The Rembrandts are what Oasis would sound like if they were on Zoloft.  They also styled their hair as if they wrote the theme song to Seinfeld.   Actually, I'm starting to notice a pattern between mullets and shitty 90's bands.  There is just so much party on their heads, they had no energy left to give to their bland music.

 No relation. - Via Fotopedia.

The Rembrandts are the background music you hear while shopping at the mall.  It's that boring, lifeless music for tasty cakes who take offense to Shakespeare in the Park.  The Rembrandts are the saltine crackers of music.   Show me somebody who thought a Rembrandts song was offensive and I'll show that person tentacle porn. 

3.  Hootie and the Blowfish

I'd really like to know how they came up with this band name.  Was Hootie given that nickname in high school but then decided to just roll with it?  I'm amazed the other band members are not named Scooter, Big Time Johnson, and Jager McFlavor.  Before making it big, they would have played most of their gigs at frat houses like Psi Kappa Date Rapieya.  And really, blowfish?  Didn't the other band members protest this and want at least a cool animal name like sharks or tapeworms or something?  It's like they all sat down one night and tried to think of a band name worse than The Goo Goo Dolls. 

Saying their music sucks is an understatement.  Their instrumentals have such a douchey feel to them that John Mayer looks like a musical visionary in comparison.  Their lyrics were probably stolen from an after school PSA about not talking to strangers.  They have the charisma and stage presence of a Lehman Brothers CEO.  This band fails more than the Colorado Rockies.  

And their video for their biggest hit, "Only Want to be With You", is the most unintentionally strange video I have ever seen.  What does Sportscenter have to do with only wanting to be with, my bros, I guess?  This song doesn't seem to be about a girl but if it is, I don't blame her for wanting nothing to do with a man named Hootie.  And why does Hootie own an NBA franchise?  Why is Dan Marino in this video?  Does Hootie only want to be with Dan Marino? 

Laces out, Dan! 

4.  Paula Cole.

Much like The Rembrandts above, Paula Cole will mostly be remembered for doing the theme song to a TV show.  The song I'm talking about is "I Don't Want to Wait", or more accurately, "IdaWannaWay", which is the theme song to Dawson's Creek.  I freely admit to watching the first season of that show because girls liked it and, somehow, that would get me laid (I didn't think this plan all the way through).  However, what I didn't expect was to learn something far more valuable than how to take off a bra.  I learned about feelings.  My feelings.  I, apparently, have emotions.  I learned how to let my feminine side, like, feel things, you know?  I learned how to be sensitive to others emotions and to be there, just to listen.  I learned to share a good cry with someone from time to time.  Just really let it out you know?

Oh.  And I too would have totally banged that teacher dawg!  Dat was sick, Pacey!  Fist bump brah!

  "Come on Brah!  Don't leave me hanging.  Brah!  Yo, Brah!"

What was I talking about?  Oh right!  Paula Cole.  The song that she recorded unfortunately doesn't help explain how a grown woman could fall in love with a kid named Pacey.  Who names their kid Pacey?  I guess after high school, he became a member of Hootie and the Blowfish for a while.  That is, as long as he didn't choke to death on a beer bong.

Sorry.  I started on another tangent.  See, it is impossible to talk about "I Don't Want to Wait" as a song because you can't disconnect it from Dawson's Creek.  And since Dawson's Creek sucked, well.....

Fortunately for this blog post that's going nowhere, she has another major hit you might remember.  "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone", or as my parents call it, that "Do Do Do Song", is a song about Paula doing cliche women things while the man drinks beer and....pays bills?  What, do you NOT want him to pay bills?  That is a pretty weak feminist battle cry.  Plus, wanting a John Wayne is a poor contrast to a drunk since John Wayne was, you know, a drunk.  He also happened to cheat on each of his three wives, one of which, tried to shoot him.  What an American icon!

Of course, the best way to get your point across is to whisper half the words. 

Paula Cole tries hard but her music just falls short.  If you want good feminist music, try Ani DiFranco or Tori Amos.  Their feminism goes a little further than just whining about men being assholes.  I'd even settle for Sarah McLachlan if you don't mind her trying to rape you or making you cry during commercials.  Oh god.  I need to adopt all those puppies and kittens right now, but I can't afford it!  Damnit it, Sarah!  My feelings don't feel good.  I'm going to go eat a bucket of ice cream.

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and I know Sarah McLachlan's "Possession" is inspired by her stalker.  I actually like that song.  As for the Blowfish, I think I get it now.  Eating the wrong part of a blowfish is poison right?  So, it's like music poison.  AHHH.  It all makes sense now. 

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Tuesday, June 12, 2012

A Review of 4 Awful Fathers Day Gifts.

Hey, Fathers Day is coming up.   And I bet, just like Mothers Day, there are a ton of crappy gifts aaaaand - OH SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP.  It took very, very little time finding bad gifts.  All these gifts were found after searching for "Fathers Day Gifts" and apparently Google hates Dad's. 

1.  Grill Sergeant Apron

Get it?  Grill sergeant?  Ha! I wonder what former Two and a Half Men writer came up with that one.  The camo is a nice touch too since the best barbecue comes from stealthy maneuvers.

This apron is for fathers who agree that all the best grilling is done while drinking six luke-warm beers.  And if the picture is to be believed, that beer is Miller Lite.  Grilling is man's way of showing the world that yes, penis do fire meat good.  I don't understand dudes who need to control a grill like it's their penis, but I can see how this might compensate for - AH who am I kidding?  Everybody knows that if you have a small dick, the Ford F-150 is the way to go.  Well now it is, considering they don't make Hummers anymore.

2.  Head Spa

Nice helmet Space Cowboy.  I'm sure it's a splendid way to relax after a hard day of fighting Death Stars.  

I'm not entirely sure why this...thing is called a head spa when it's just a vibrator, but I can't help but wonder if cucumbers are involved.  Good job on the picture making it look like it's made out of metal by the way.  Don't want anybody to know it's made out of that cheap plastic you find in Dave and Buster's prizes for 10,000 tickets.

Fathers who get this gift are receiving more than just an USS Enterprise standard issue helmet, but also a message from their kids that their dad is not as cool as the characters in Mass Effect, who have probably spent more time raising the kids anyway.  At least with the head spa, a father can finally feel like the appropriate living room Space Scientist he has always felt like he was.

3.  Barbecue Cologne

Oh, of course, father smells best when grilling a leg of pork.  But if he didn't have time to BBQ in the afternoon, he can just put on this cologne and he is ready for a night on the town, assuming the town is in the south.  There, people might appreciate a man who smells like something other than moonshine.

I don't really need to explain how shitty this gift is.  Just take a look at the worst commercial ever made.

If this commercial is to be believed, this cologne is for people who are sexually attracted to pulled pork sandwiches.  I think.  I'm not sure but, for a cologne commercial, I think the girl is putting on the cologne.  That is odd considering everything else about her is an amalgamation of every other female stereotype.  Women only like men who like Sex and the City right?  Because that is a thing that can totally happen and not a wildly unrealistic expectation.  No wonder the lady in this commercial is still single.  Doesn't she understand men only want to talk about smoking meat?

4.  A Trip to a Nude Resort

"Happy Fathers Day Dad!  I got you a reservation for two at a nude resort...No, no, no.  It's not for Mom and you.  It's for the two of us.  It's a, and I quote, 'A weekend for both of you in the nude'.  The add was talking to us.  The kids.  It's apparently what you 'always wanted'.  We'll have a blast."

Sure, this add could be about a vacation for Dad and Mom despite that still being creepy as hell, but considering the word "Mom" is no where to be found on this add, I think they expect Dad to bring his kids.  And sure, maybe Dad is into European things like nudity around your own children, but then, the word "Romance" is in the add.  Just, just, fucking fantastic.  If this is Paradise Valley, I would hate to see what "Dystopic Nightmare Hell Valley" would look like.

And who in the hell is the lady on the add?  I'm sure she approved of this, if say, she's the Devil.  She's just sitting there like, "yeah, it would be great to be naked around Dad."  Who?........

I, ugh.  I can't.  This add broke me.  I'm done.  I don't care.  This blog post can just end however.  I....want to die.

Disclaimer:  Blah, blah, this article is satirical, blah.

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Sunday, June 3, 2012

Review: Game of Thrones, Season 2.

I love Game of Thrones.  It's a bit of a problem actually as I've gotten a full back tattoo of the map of Westeros despite crying like a baby while getting it done, I've looked into changing my first name to Tyrion while also looking into if height reduction is a thing, and I've slapped a 12-year old blond kid cause he sorta looked like a sadistic monster crawling out of that McDonalds ball pit.  (That reminds me.  I need to send that kid a gift to apologize.  Maybe a fruit basket or the severed heads of his enemies).  And I love this show despite thinking it was just alright until that fateful 9th episode, "Baelor", in the 1st season.  That episode made my balls explode.  I now have a sperm count of zero.

 Raise the banners to my fallen balls.

That episode led to something unique for the second season since it's something that I'm not sure has ever really been tried.  It was a ballsy move for a TV show, but also a big risk for HBO who had to force their executives into prostitution to help pay for the shows gargantuan budget.   It led to a season 2 that would take a direction not a lot of shows take.  To avoid spoilers, see what I mean after the jump.

(So yeah.  If you are behind on this show and need to catch up, or if you want to watch this show and haven't gotten around to it, stop reading here.  The rest of this post includes spoilers, including season one which I wouldn't normally consider a spoiler at this point except that this show is on a subscription channel.  Plus, I really want to stop talking about the "Baelor" event so cryptically.)

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