Thursday, January 26, 2012

Pointless Gripe: The Reverse Park

Authors note:  This is a new feature that I plan to do maybe once a month, or whenever I feel like it, to take a short look at some quirk about society that annoys or angers me.  Some of these will be obviously stupid and annoy everyone, while others may only annoy me.  I'd say, "I hope these don't come off as pointless ranting" but that's kind of the point.  That, and to make jokes about them.  Humor is the best therapy. 

There are only two reasons to ever throw your car into reverse and back into a parking spot.  The first reason is to load or unload stuff from your vehicle.  Sometimes you need space to work with dead dentist bodies if you know what I mean.  The second reason is for parallel parking since backing into a parallel spot is much easier because of trigonometry or some shit.  I've always thought that parallel parking was some sort of witchcraft designed to make me think every spot is too small even when that last spot could have easily fit three cars and now I'm parked eight fucking blocks away.

  This looks more suburban than what I thought downtown would look like.

Some people think there is a third reason to back into a parking spot and that reason is douchebaggery.  That's it.  There is no other reason to back into a parking spot, in a parking lot, just to pick up a bottle of Hypnotiq.  There is no other reason to reverse a car into a parking spot so someone can peel off out of the spot after they break into an ex's home to steal back their Ed Hardy T-shirt.  There is no other reason to show people that yes, you can drive in reverse, but you only do it to pick up that home pregnancy test for your sister.  Got to make sure you can make a quick exit for that!

I'm not sure why this bothers me since it rarely effects my life.  Well, except for when I have to wait  behind Prince Collar Popper to back his F-150 with the silhouette chick mud flaps into a compact car parking space, then I'm mildly annoyed but very confused.  "Who are these people," I ask, "who thinks that backing into a parking space will make their lives easier by shaving 5 seconds off their commute?  Don't they realize they ADD 10 seconds at the end of their trip to back into a space?"  "No," I should have answered myself, "these people are badass at looking over their shoulders and looking at mirrors.  They are paranoid and vain."

I'd be paranoid too if the Gecko brothers were in my RV.

Obviously, backing into a parking space is not faster than driving forward into it, so the time saved when leaving is negligible.  But don't forget, backing into a space is harder than driving forward into one as well, and harder than backing OUT of a space.  The width of a parking spot and the width of the lanes in a parking lot are as similar as playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 is similar to playing anything on a Commodore 64.   Backing into a space is a lot like sticking a block in the square shaped hole of a preschool toy, only you've been spun around 10 times first and you're being mocked by children for being a dumb poop face.  You're making an easy task unnecessarily difficult.  Meanwhile, backing out of a space is like throwing that same block down a hallway and having the teacher praise you by saying, "Good job champ!  You can do what everybody else can do too.  You're a special and unique flower.  Have a cookie."

So if it doesn't save time and it isn't easier, stop doing it.  It annoys me and it makes you look like a shithead.  Thank you.

Disclaimer:  This is satirical and opinionated.  I think I actually backed into a parking space once for no reason and I suddenly liked Sisqo's "Thong Song" for 24 hours.

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Friday, January 20, 2012

Does George Lucas Hate Star Wars Fans?

Anybody who likes Star Wars and has an Internet connection probably already knows about the controversial changes George Lucas has made to the films for their Blu-Ray release.  This shouldn't have been a surprise to anybody though since Lucas is like a kid who can't stop touching himself when it comes to Star Wars.  The more you tell him to stop, the more he just hides in his room and wonders how to deal with his confusing crotch.  He has made so many changes to the films for every DVD box set, theater re-release, and prequel retcons that he might as well have never left his room since his Star Wars boner just won't go away.  He should probably see a doctor.

 "Everybody stay back.  George needs his me time."  Via Fotopedia

Apparently, Lucas wants to fix the movies because they were so horrible when they were originally made and everybody hates them.  Or wait, no, the films have a giant fanbase and have expanded into hundreds of video games, books, comics, TV shows, toys, and terrible Luke-Chewbacca-Yoda threesome fan fiction; all of which has made Lucas more money than a Nigerian E-mail scammer.  So it begs the question, why does he keep making changes to the movies?

The possible reasons seem endless and incredibly stupid.  Maybe Lucas is some sort of anti-perfectionist that can't stop making changes until there are just enough flaws that people might stop dressing up as stormtroopers and embarrassing Lucas in front of his new, popular friends.  Maybe the movies have trapped his soul and he needs to make the changes commanded to him from Xerolyx the hell knight to get it back.  Maybe Lucas is trying to impress a girl but never realized that the girl was more of a Star Trek fan.  Or there is the possibility that Lucas just hates his fans, which would be ludicrous considering all the money he has been given.

Then again, maybe it's not so crazy to think Lucas hates his fans.  While doing promotion for his movie Red Tails (also known as that movie that looks like Pearl Harbor but that's not a bad thing right?), Lucas addressed fans that have criticized the changes made to the films.  He basically blames critical fans for ending the franchise and convincing him not to make anymore canonical Star Wars films.  Not like anybody really cares about that considering Star Wars Episode 7 would probably be titled, "Dark Jar-Jar Rises".  That would be as entertaining as watching Ewoks yell nonsense at robots, but wait, that already happened.

 Yub Yub!

Critical fans ruining Star Wars would almost make sense except for the fact that critical fans have never stopped Lucas from doing anything ever.  And he also hasn't made strange changes to any Indiana Jones movies (although he doesn't have as much power with them since Steven Spielberg is the only one who knows were the antidote is), which makes it feel like he is more satisfied with them.  It's almost as if Lucas makes these changes just to fuck with us.

So he has to hate Star Wars fans right?  It can't be, that out of everybody that loves the Star Wars movies, he is the one that loves them least.  What say you?  Yes?  No?  Banana?

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and probably not even a very good theory.  Lucas clearly just hates himself.

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Sunday, January 15, 2012

One Prediction Down Already. White House Won't Support SOPA, PIPA

I didn't plan on revisiting "5 Predictions for 2012" so early, but I am astonished how quickly one of my predictions got shot down like the Mexican air force.  Without even making it half way through January, one of my predictions has been severely injured.  The chances of this prediction happening now is about as likely as Bruce Willis coming out and claiming he used to be a woman.  I guess this means I'm not a psychic, but that won't stop me from continuing my business venture of 1-900-Psyc-XXX.  Call the number and I will read you your fortune, then have phone sex with you.  Females only.  Okay, males too for an increased fee.

The prediction I'm talking about is number 4, "A bill like SOPA or Protect-IP will pass and change the Internet dramatically."  The White House has just officially announced their opposition to these two bills.  This is probably due to the large backlash and because Rupert Murdoch, who is obviously the Devil or a Bond villain, loves these bills.  The bills have broad support in Congress but it's probably not broad enough to defeat a presidential veto.  It's similar to how NASCAR has broad support but not enough to have people waste 8 hours of their day off listening to commentators talk about camshafts.  They are popular, just not popular to smart people.

Of course I hedged my bets with this prediction by claiming a different but similar bill than SOPA or PIPA could pass but I forgot the fact that Congress moves slower than Aquaman working up the courage to talk to a girl.  When these bills are defeated, it isn't very likely Congress will bring up more Internet anti-piracy bills in 2012.  When Congress get hot on a topic, they love it long time.  It seems more likely that an anti-piracy bill won't actually pass till 2018, when the Internet will be implanted in our brains and the Pirate Bay will provide torrents to peoples thoughts.  If somebody ends up watching a torrent of my thoughts, man, I hope they enjoy Starship Troopers.

And don't get me wrong, thinking I'm complaining that these bills won't pass.  They're as good as deep fried weasel testicles.  It's a GOOD thing that the White House would veto these bills in their current form.  Otherwise, if these bills pass, I would have to write my stupid articles on Word, print out copies at FedEx office, and hand them out to people on the street who will probably just toss them in the trash.  I would have to abandon the Robot Hooker Party name if that happens too.  Vagrants on the street might get excited thinking that I'm inviting them to an event that their hobo minds can't quite comprehend.  

For more on SOPA, view the video below.  It's a little long (over 21 minutes) but worth it.

Authors note:  I know SOPA and especially PIPA (which should be going to a vote in a week) are not dead.  It's just the threat of a Presidential veto and the Jan. 18th SOPA protest raising awareness to people who had their heads in the sand has made it much more difficult for them to become law.

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Wednesday, January 11, 2012

How Did Adele Get So Popular?

I've always found pop music to not only be the worst form of popular entertainment but also the most predictable.  This is because good pop music is rarer than winning a fist fight with a bear.  A musician needs to be like a drunk Russian to have any luck recording a good song.  The problem is that there just are not that many drunk Russian musicians (I assume) so most of pop music is populated with buzzed Spaniards, who are not known for being masters of Tai-Grizzly-Fu.  However, all it takes is just one of the buzzed Spaniards to get on a hot streak and the market is then flooded with mediocre bear fighters.  Or, pop songs.  I'm getting my analogies confused again.

 A voice like this kills hundreds of bears a year.
My point is, my best guess as to why so much of pop music is predictable garbage revolves around people who are not good at what they do.  I think one mediocre song got inexplicably popular years ago, so every other musician is ordered by their record labels to copy it until artificial intelligence trumps human creativity with scientific creativity, the most science-y of art.   If the modern pop charts are to be believed, that original mediocre song was a dance song about dancing, sex, or sex dancing.  People must have decided this was a good thing and rewarded the record labels by stealing buying the shitty music.

Since pop music is dominated by dance songs, I find it interesting when an artist or band breaks away from the predictable dance party circle jerk.  The artist of the year for 2011 was Adele, a woman who actually sings well, has producers who create good music, and doesn't look like a jailbait skank with daddy issues.  She became artist of the year despite her music not making anybody want to grind their boner on a sexual harassment lawsuit while drinking a cocktail in a test tube with a deceptive amount of Bacardi 151 in it.   And no, Lil Wayne did not do a guest verse on any of her songs considering every song with Lil Wayne in it is in the top 40 except for his own.

So how did Adele get so popular? 

Adele is not all that original.  Florence and the Machine has a similar, albeit more drum heavy, sound and comes from the UK just like Adele and every other musician ever.  Despite this, that band did not get nearly as popular as Adele but that might be because the lead singer looks like a clown who works in a medical marijuana store.  Then again, it's possibly because the populace has been trained to rage against the machine, not sing and dance with it.

 Maybe it's a metaphorical machine just like her metaphorical band.

Adele is also a great singer, but being a great singer usually means nothing at the altar of autotune unless, of course, your Frank fucking Sinatra.  Even Mariah Carey, the living doll with an eight octave range, hasn't had a hit in years.  Although, to be fair, all of her songs now are about friendship and puppies because her mind never progressed past that of a 12 year old.  She probably spends her days off making scrap books with pictures of sunflowers and wedding cakes.

Adele can't be popular because of her looks either.  She looks like an average American woman that I, for one, would still bone.  I wonder if the director was not sure what to do in the "Rolling in the Deep" music video since she does not look like a stripper and didn't feel right filming a video that doesn't take place in a club.  She is sitting down in the entire video either because if your not dancing, you should obviously be sitting down, or because the hot shot director has never seen a women of average weight and thought that she might break an ankle if she stands up for too long.

The director - "I need like, 200 glasses of water.  Trust me, it's symbolic." 

The "Someone Like You" video is in black and white because the song is sad and colors are only for happy people.  Wait, black and white?  Why that instantly makes this artistic!  Pretentious director level up!  Well actually, this is the music industry and not the movie industry so the pathetic, more likely reason it's in black and white is because black is slimming.

Somewhere, a film school professor just came.

There is the possibility that Adele got popular because of nothing to do with her music.  There is always the more important power of having connections.  The current number one song in the nation is LMFAO's "Sexy and I Know It", a song that is so godawful, that I would rather listen to a raving lunatic on a street corner with a rotting raccoon carcass strapped to his head scream about pasta recipes. But the only reason that song is even known is because those guys happen to be the son and grandson of Berry Gordy, the founder of Motown Records.  Another example is Hot Chelle Rae, a band who I think used to be the band.  Their guitarist is the son of a country songwriter and the brother of a Glee cast member, which explains not only their popularity, but the reason why my penis tries to recede into my body every time I hear their music.  Adele?  No such connections although she did go to a very selective arts school.  The same one that created, DUN DUN DUNNNNN, Amy Winehouse.  So obviously...uh, wait.  That might actually be a connection that is detrimental to success.

I would almost, almost, accept the simple fact that Adele makes good music as reason enough for being so popular.  But that logically would conclude that all good music should be just as popular and oh I get it.  I get it now.  I'm trying to apply logic, to POP MUSIC because I'm a fucking idiot.  Pop music is where Logic goes to get spanked by a transvestite in a Richard Nixon mask.  Pop music is the dirty little secret that logic keeps just so it can take a vacation and forward all it's phone calls to Aristotle.

Obviously, the answer to why Adele is so popular is blind luck.  Her popularity is what pop music isn't, unpredictable.  Although, I like the fact she is popular, even though it makes no sense.  I like knowing good music can still get popular.  It's also nice to know that a drunk Russian can still make it to the top 40 in bear fighting.

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and opinionated.   And if you are looking for a career in pop music, please wear protection.  Bear claws are sharp.

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Thursday, January 5, 2012

One Day As A Turkey

(How wearing a costume in public turns you into a superhero)

The night before Thanksgiving this year I participated in a little social experiment. That is, if by “participated” I really mean “was dropped into,” and by “social experiment” I mean “getting trashed, molested, screamed at, and generally having an insane time.” Instead of my standard behavior of traveling to visit family, my boss (who believes slapping people in the face with his balls is the national pastime) cancelled my plans with a karate chop so decisive that even Chuck Norris would consider it epic. But I am no stranger to watching as Happenstance chokes the ever-loving life out of my dreams and desires. These things happen. So what could I do but carry on and persevere? And by “persevere” I mean “dress up like a turkey and hang out in bars on the holidays.”

Luckily, this all turned out magnificently well. For two whole days I felt as good as Superman getting to whoop the shit out of Aquaman. This got me thinking that maybe I had become a superhero for a day or two. But how can a person be sure of a statement this bold? You can’t just say you’re a superhero with nothing to back it up. In fact, every year or so there’s a news story of some punk-bitch who dresses up to be a masked vigilante and he usually gets his face shot off. And I don’t want to be that guy. So I’ve decided to address a few principles, some ground rules of basic hero-dom if you will, that will hopefully substantiate my claim of becoming a caped crusader.

If you ever claim to be "The Night" this guy will come for your head.

1)  A superhero must have a tragic and/or mysterious origin story:
Uh, yeah, I’ve got the tragic part covered here. I already mentioned how my holiday plans got denied as quickly and harshly as I did on Prom Night. Except my boss used less mace than Suzy Larsen… but not much less. Now as far as mysterious goes, let’s review some events regarding my origin becoming the Turkey Dude. It all began when I got an email from a guy (Aaron) I had only met a handful of times. A few days later, a strange package arrived at my apartment door. Then, on the day of my miraculous (ridiculous) transformation, I met Aaron (who works for the government) at a compound with restricted access before being whisked away in his sportscar to an undisclosed location. Now how’s that for some secret spy shit? Then, after an unorthodox rite of passage involving The Tibetan Book of the Dead and several beers, we had each become more turkey than man.

2)  Got to have some superpower(s):
More or less, my superpowers consisted of: Make anybody dance, Convince anyone to drink more, and Get anyone to shout “YEAH” on command just by pointing at them. Now I know this isn’t laser eye rays, invisibility, the ability to commune with animals, control electricity, or super strength. It might appear like I only had the powers of any generic fraternity president. But it was cooler than that. And unlike the frat dude, I only used my powers for good, not douchey evil.

"Here at Sigma Beta Beta we all have the power to not use condoms once we've roofied you!"

The ability to get anybody dancing was my favorite power of the night. When we went to a half-filled bar and crushed the empty space in the middle of the building, suddenly no one could resist the temptation to groove and the bar was filled to the brim with festive partiers. At one point, I was dancing clumsily with a beer in my hand and had been performing some variation of the awkward dance by that kid from the Charlie Brown cartoons who bobs his head while kicking his legs out. When I was truly rocking solid to “Too Much Bass Club Music #7863,” there was a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to find three Asian people smiling at me. The guy in the middle was a sixty year old man – Jesus only knows what he was doing at a nightclub at midnight. When he saw he had my attention, he began replicating my dance with twice the vigor I had been using. Needless to say, I started to dance as hard as I could, which is about the time some wasted dude shouted, “Hey! This guy’s doing the turkey dance! This old guy’s doing the turkey dance with a turkey!” This was immediately followed by everyone in the room cheering and doing shots. I believe that’s pretty much the story of how Ghost Rider got his start, unless I’m misremembering that one.

3)  Superheroes must have some source for their amazing powers:
Wild Turkey 101 shots. Obvious, I know. But did you also know that a man-turkey-hybrid supercreature also thrives on cheap Chinese food? To get the ball rolling, Agent Aaron and I met up with the rest of our turkey brethren at a bar that doesn’t have a name which is attached to a Chinese restaurant. This was our Batcave from which we could keep tabs on our city, suit up, make battle plans, and park our Batmoblie (which happened to be a Ford Focus. Don’t hate). The drinks were beyond cheap and you can order restaurant food from the confines of the bar and the wait staff will bring it back to your own dingy little corner. Even though this was all beautifully convenient, we naturally still went out into the restaurant because…

4)  Superheroes create media spectacles:
Everywhere we went became photo-bomb central. I don’t have a Facebook account, but I ended up on a hundred or so people’s Facebook pagey-wall things. We didn’t have to be like sad, vain Peter Parker taking pictures of himself. It was already something huge and unstoppable. This was taken to another level when we walked into a dimly lit wine bar. The owner of the establishment came out to take pictures of us sipping on our wine. That’s right, we were helping small shop owners. For the record, the wine we selected was in fact one that pairs well with turkey, and if you think that I sound like a wuss for saying that then bear in mind that I had already taken several shots of whisky to the face along with a couple of brews, with the night only being halfway over at this point. I was going 100% professional. Plus, I loves me some Pinot Noir. Mixing alcohol never felt so right as it did while marinating this turkey fellow.

 Chillin' in the wine bar.

5)  Catchphrase:
“Gobble! Gobble!”

6)  Weakness or Flaw:
One of the most important aspects of a superhero’s character is some sort of inherent weakness or flaw. No one’s perfect, including the comic book/movie beings we have grown up idolizing. Kryptonite rocked Superman’s house. Continued mutations in Peter Parker’s DNA eventually transformed him into an uncontrollable and monstrous spider-creature leading him to nearly kill and eat enemies and loved ones alike. Wolverine could be tossed around like some ragdoll by Magneto because of his adamantine bones. And Batman had that annoying voice telling him NOT to kill for some reason. What made me and my fellow turkeys interesting is that our weakness happened to be our catchphrase. It turns out that when you get a group of turkey people together and get them liquored up, if anyone shouts “Gobble” then the turkeys can’t help but all yell “Gobble Gobble” in response. This happened. All. The. Time.

 Hustlin' Tom Turkey says, "Gobble Gobble, y'all."

In fact, at one point, when we were leaving the wine bar, there was a twelve year old girl across the street who kept chanting “Here we go turkeys!” We would always respond with a group Gobble. This happened no fewer than nine times. And the whole time we were trying to decide what to do next, but whenever we heard her yell, we would Gobble in unison. I’d also like to note that this twelve year old was out shouting on the street corner at 11pm, mind you. Where were your parents, I ask?

And I couldn’t claim to be a superhero if I didn’t
7)  Have a doomed love interest:
Let’s face it, comic book heroes have about the same record in the romance department as Hollywood A-listers. That is, they’re beautiful and powerful so they hook up with each other faster than The Flash runs a forty-yard dash, but their relationships blow up like supernovas.

 Friends attempt to console Bruce Banner after a recent breakup.

For my part, my giant turkey heart fell for the cunning wiles of Drunk Belligerent Woman. I met her early in the night before she had revealed her secret identity to me, and we had the typical and meaningless bar small talk that drunk people have any old day of the week. My friends – my SUPERFRIENDS – and I left to go to a few other bars, but ended up returning to this particular establishment. Then, in the midst of the dance floor under the assault of heavy bass, there occurred an exchange that later had to be explained to me by one of my turkey brothers who witnessed the ordeal. What follows is an exact transcript of the event in question:

Drunk Belligerent Woman: Can I grab your giblets?!?
Me: What?!?
DBW: My friends!
Me: What?
DBW: They’re over there. (points) They say I should!
Me: What?
DBW: My friends! We want your giblets!
Me: What?
DBW: So it’s okay?
Me: What?

At which point this lady grabbed and vigorously scrubbed my crotch like she was trying to get the rust off the Titanic. I mean, she really went for it. As this was going down, her little posse of drunk wing-girls hooted and hollered and raised their Cosmos high in celebration. I believe Drunk Belligerent Woman had super strength and the ability to wield flames because she simultaneously crushed my testicles and then nearly set them on fire with friction. She apparently also had super hearing since she heard me consent when all I thought I was saying was “what” over and over. She had it all, let me tell you. But then she disappeared into the crowd without a trace. For the rest of the night, no matter how hard I searched, I never heard her drunk cackling laugh again.

Throughout all of this, we managed to do what all superheroes are supposed to do: we helped people. Even though by the end of the night we had the mental prowess of The Hulk, we still managed to keep it together and be good little turkeys. Sometimes we were helping people boogey down. Other times we fished drunk girls out of the gutter who had fallen due to their incredibly tall and slutty stilettos. And of course there were the hoards of people in town for the holidays who desperately wanted to forget how much they hated being with their stupid relatives. We helped these people too with our booze powers.

 "Wonder Triplet powers activate! Form of: a Hangover!"

The next day, I woke up on Aaron’s couch with a half full beer still upright in my hand. I bet The Silver Surfer wishes he had the ability to do that! Aaron and I had to go back to being human again, so we needed another ceremony to undo the power of the first one. Turkey outfits off, we performed a ritual sacrifice by deep frying a turkey in the backyard and drinking Champagne together. Okay, so that’s not very “super” or anything, but it was delicious. Now if only I could figure out what superpowers I would need to combat my boss’s Asshole Abilities. Seriously, I’d rather work for Darkside…

Sunday, January 1, 2012

5 Predictions for 2012

The new year is here and I do have a blog so...prediction time?  Yeah, I think so.  It's practically Internet law.  Some dude from Blogger threatened me with crotch kicks if I don't. 

So here is five predictions for 2012 ranging from pop culture to politics.  Yeah, I just wrote both of those words and it didn't read, "Pop culture and politics should never be in the same sentence unless to say that pop culture and politics should never be in the same sentence."  Deal with it.

Just like London dealt with their crappy 2012 Olympic logo

1.  JK Rowling will officially start writing a new Harry Potter (HP) Novel

Or more accurately, Rowling will succumb to pressure from publishers and Warner Bros. to write another one because they presumably need to buy more exotic animals to hunt.   Seemingly every year for the last decade, there was a HP movie being released (I know there are only eight movies, shut up!).  Those movies brought in more money than an Atlanta Walmart's gun department so there is no way they want that money well to dry up. The HP franchise probably made more money than the Star Wars franchise in the last decade since George Lucas has nothing to do with HP.  If he did, Voldemort would have had lines like, "Misa hurt you Harry Potta!  Misa hurt you vewy, vewy, bad!" and Rowling would know the feeling of being universally hated by all her fans.

 You will love the changes made in the 2020 re-release of the books or be destroyed!

Sure, Rowling hasn't officially said she won't write another one, so admittedly this prediction isn't all that bold.  She is already writing some HP supplemental projects kind of like how J.R.R. Tolken decided to OCD the fuck out of the history of middle-earth (want to know who is Frodo's great-great-great-granduncle?  Tolken wrote about him in Appendix  New Harry Potter media will continue to come out and unlike Lord of the Rings, it seems much more likely to achieve that Star Wars level of continuous fandom.  Speaking of Lord of the Rings...

2.  The Hobbit will fail to meet expectations.

How long has this movie been in development?  At first, Peter Jackson was going to direct it, then he decided to only produce it and it was rumored that Guillermo Del Toro was going to direct, then that fell through and Peter Jackson dropped off the project entirely, only to eventually come back and direct it anyway.  It took a long time to come to a decision that they already made years ago.  It almost seems like Hollywood is a fickle, self-centered, greedy, clusterfuck of hookers and cocaine induced fever dreams.  Huh.  Who knew?

This movie would have done great a few years removed from Return of the King but now the trilogy feels older than the invention of pants.  It's just too long a time span for this.  Plus, The Hobbit doesn't have the epic feel of the Lord of the Rings.  Did anybody actually watch the trailer and think this is a prequel of epic awesomeness?

When in the LOTR timeline is Bilbo telling this story to Frodo?

What is going on here?  By just watching the trailer, you would think this is a story about a hobbit who invited a bunch of dwarves over to do circus tricks and sing depressing songs about geography.  Then some dark blue-grey color correction casted a shadow over the land and Gandalf didn't like that very much.  If you read the book, you know the story isn't really about how Bilbo got a ring with vaguely defined magic abilities.  Instead, the story is about Bilbo joining a band of dwarves to steal a treasure that is being guarded by a dragon named Smaug.  It's basically Oceans 11 only the Lonely Mountain is Las Vegas and Andy Garcia is a dragon.  The fate of the world isn't really at stake here.  Only Bilbo's bank account and I don't think any non-LOTR fans are going to care unless there is a very graphic hobbit sex scene in this movie.

3.  Some sort of Tim Tebow virginity scandal will happen this summer to give ESPN something to talk about.

Wow, jumping from hobbit boning in a fictional movie to a real person losing his virginity?  Yeah I just did that.  In your face.

There is no way in hell some attention seeking whore is NOT going to claim to have had sex with Tebow this summer after she disappears with him for an hour.  Actually, considering Tebow is a virgin, they probably only have to be alone for 5 minutes.  No way virgin boy lasts longer than that in a vagina.  The dudes plumbing must be backed up like a New York sewer.  The lady wouldn't have to worry too much about getting pregnant though since Tebow's accuracy isn't very good.

 "I gotta hit that vagina on the post route"

Anyway, there is no better way to get famous than by claiming to sleep with the most famous person in the US right now.  Nobody will believe her except for a few conspiracy nuts who will cling to the fact that the two were spotted talking to one another in a hotel lobby.  Surely, their arguments will be sound.  "Anything could have happened after they left the lobby!  It's almost certain Tebow put his tebowner inside her!  Get that lady a book deal!...What do you mean it's already written?" 

This prediction is less of an indictment on Tebow and more of a pessimistic view toward the vapid whores in our society.  It's also a pessimistic view on ESPN, a network that will surely talk about this 24/7 for an entire month because Tebow, Tebow, Tebow.  Although, if Tebow actually does lose his virginity in some "scandal", the only people who should care about it is evangelicals because Tebow has replaced Jesus in the "most-god like" category of their yearbooks.  Although, they could always spin it as "Tebow lost his virginity for our sins" just as long as Tebow doesn't trademark his name.

4.  A bill like SOPA or Protect-IP will become law and the Internet will change dramatically

For those of you who don't know, SOPA and PIP are two anti-piracy bills in the House and Senate respectively that will change the Internet as we know it.  Both bills are backed by powerful groups such as the RIAA and MPAA, otherwise known as those groups who like to sue 15 year olds for millions when they illegally download LMFAO's piece of shit album which is so bad, the RIAA should give you money to listen too.  Competing tech companies like Google, Facebook, Twitter, Apple, and many more have banded together to stop these bills because of their overreaching, draconian, anti-free speech measures. They are similar to laws that already exist in other nations, which is absurd because for all the ideas America could borrow from other countries, they decided on one from fucking Iran.  Surely, when we think of the leading nations in pioneering the Internet, Iran is the example we should live up too.  Yeah, and China is a leader in human rights. 

I am not pro-piracy but these bills are dangerous as things like this very blog could be taken down due to someone simply claiming I used copyrighted material without consent regardless of if I did so or not.  Right now, if I use a picture I shouldn't, I would be sent a take down notice and I would be happy to oblige if they are correct or I could argue I used it in fair use.  If these bills pass, I will not be given any warnings or have any way to defend myself.  The blog will be blacklisted and just disappear.  It's almost cool in a John Dillinger kind of way but it's not cool in a "I won't have a blog anymore" kind of way.   

Its funny that these are the bills that have bi-partisan support.  Important things?  Nah, money is at stake here.  Hollywood wants every dollar they can get out of Alvin and the Chipmunks:  Chipwrecked.  Hollywood needs that money too since Avatar only made a gajillion dollars. Universal Music Group wants every dollar it can get out of Katy Perry too because her voice needs 12 scientists working round the clock to keep her in tune.

Don't laugh, but there is $75,000 worth of scientific instruments in that tutu.

These bills also have bi-partisan opposition so they may not pass.  However, this does provide further evidence about who our leaders actually are, lobbyist puppets.  The fate of the Internet is being decided by people who know nothing about it.  If these bills pass, by this measure, I should protect the nuclear launch codes because I am clearly qualified to do so.  Don't piss me off Papua New Guinea.  You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.  You're lucky Obama (who likes these bills by the way) doesn't have a grudge against nations who put the word "New" in the middle of their name.

Hey.  Obama reference!  What a segue...

5.  Obama will win re-election.

There is nobody in the Republican field of potential candidates who stands a chance.  Rick Perry?  He has only offended every demographic in the nation except white, christian, males.  Michelle Bachmann?  Maybe when she learns the US didn't gain it's independence from Germany in 1945.  Herman Cain?  The dude watches Pokemon.  Ron Paul?  The one Republican who keeps getting elected despite being hated by Republicans.  Newt Gingrich?  The guy's name is Newt!  At least with him as president, the terrorists won't hate us anymore.  Just laugh at us.

Mitt Romney will probably be the Republican nominee but he's sooooooo Mormon.  Like, really Mormon.  Did you know he was a Mormon?  The christian right might consider suicide if the choices are Obama or Romney.  Also, he has that problem of his Massachusetts healthcare law looking awfully similar to Obamacare.  It's almost as if the national healthcare law that Republicans hate more than a black guy getting gay married in a mosque, was modeled after Romney's.  He has more obstacles trying to get the presidency than a fat kid in Africa trying to get to a buffet.

 "I am going to Mormon the fuck out of the presidency."

This probably won't even matter since some Mayan god is supposed to butt fuck the world before his second term even begins.   Actually, the 2012 doomsday prediction is probably my best bet.  It might not happen like the Mayans thought but I have a good feeling Kirk Cameron is going to steal a nuke and start a war with, lets say China.  My safest prediction yet!

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