Monday, November 28, 2011

A Solution for the Airport Body Scanner Machines

This post is written by guest blogger and all around stellar dude, Neal.  He's kind of like Prince with just the one name even though he is not actually Prince.  But, whoa, wouldn't that be awesome if he was! - JK-47

The supposed necessity of the TSA body scanners was one of the most hotly debated topics a year ago in America, and the issue is still important right now. Should we, or should we not, allow ourselves to have our whole body scanned while going through TSA security checkpoints at the airport. With issues of safety and privacy hanging in the balance, passions flared. People on both sides of the debate continue to butt heads, though mostly on cable news networks. Now, as the holiday travel season comes into full swing, I am reminded of the men and women across the country arguing and protesting in lines as they try to get to their planes. So let me now make the case that we should not be causing disturbances in the security lines, but instead we should make people disturbed throughout the process of the body scan itself.

I’m getting ahead of myself though. Before I get to my revolutionary idea, let me start off by taking the not-so-bold stance that people on both sides of the debate raise several good points, but they are still all complete assholes. On the one hand, you have people who seem to enjoy the thought that complete strangers are going to be taking pictures of their naked bodies and examining these photos closely in the name of national security. To these people I say, “Go home and start an amateur porn site from the confines of your basement, but only email me if you’re attractive. Or if you do really freaky stuff.”

I need to find more John Edwards/Cthulhu mash-up porn sites.

When asked (and we all know the local news stations flocked to airports to do the asking), the first point these passive sheep made is that they’re fine with the scans as long as if it is for the sake of safety. “Well, I like the added security because it makes me feel safer.” Cool. Except that this standpoint completely fucking overlooks the fact that these body scans DON’T make us safer. What gave someone the great idea for the scanners, I ask you? The Underwear Bomber douche bag, that’s what. What people have forgotten, I suppose, is that no one blew up during that terrorist plot. No one was hurt, and the moron who thought strapping explosives to his genitals was a good idea got caught. Hoo-goddamned-ray! And none of the attempts since then have worked either, and it has nothing to do with amazing body scanning technology. All of these terrorists have botched their own plans or have been outsmarted by watchful travelers and were apprehended.

Another point brought up in defense of the scanners is that the pictures aren’t kept and they’re deleted right after the security check is complete. Well hot damn if it wasn’t reported that the FBI is keeping many of these weird, grey, and splotchy naked pictures. I can hear you asking, “What’s wrong, Neal? Are you saying that this is a problem? Are you saying that everyone in the government is a pervert?” No, I’m not, but I AM saying that there are perverts everywhere, including the government, and I’d bet my house that one of them is giving themselves a handy right now while looking at those body scan pictures. So chew on that food for thought. Wait. No, you better not chew on that in any capacity. Bad taste there.

On the flip side of the argument are those on the left, many of which are also stupid, and some bat-shit insane. Most of them, however, are just lame and pathetic. So many of the protesters at the airports last year got to the gates, told some jerk-off with a news camera that the new security measures were “wrong,” then got back in line with everybody else to wait their turn at the blurry porn-o-palooza. That’s as bad as my buddy who gets beat and insulted by his girlfriend everyday and then can’t give me an answer about why he keeps going over to her apartment. What kind of bizarre passive denial bullshit is this? The more extreme protesters didn’t fare any better. Some of them pulled ridiculous stunts and got a little attention for their “message,” but the bottom line is that if they wanted to make their flight then they either had to shut the fuck up like good little boys and girls, or they got detained. And does it make any sense to speak out against people taking naked pictures of you in a way that ends with you getting a cavity search?

 Next Thanksgiving, you get to play the turkey.

So this year I present an idea for dealing with the body scanners that is both childishly entertaining and offensive enough to make TSA officials rethink all their major life decisions. So what am I talking about? What could I be suggesting that feels so wrong and yet so right at the same time? This: When you’re traveling this holiday season and you’re told to go through a body scanner, I want you to Pop A Boner For Freedom. Let’s change that old motto from “Don’t get mad, get even” to something fresh and exciting like “Don’t get mad, get aroused!”

Now I can tell that as you’re reading this you have a few questions. Namely, “How can Neal be such an idiot?” and “Why am I still reading this?” But all of those questions are stupid. The only thing that matters is that this is a real solution to a real problem. If you don’t want someone to look at a naked image of your body, the best thing to do is to seem like you’re REALLY into them looking at your naked body. I know it sounds counter-intuitive at first, but hear me out. You’ve got to get a little crazy, just like Seal told you in 1991. Think about it: if the thought of a government official staring at nude pictures of you gives you the creeps, the best way to make the TSA understand you is through the power of empathy. You must creep them-the-fuck-out right back. Popping A Boner For Freedom accomplishes this.

Let’s go over a few positives of the plan:
  1. Boners lead to stress-free travel. How do you get a boner? By thinking about the things you love most. Utilizing this type of positive thinking will make your whole travel experience relaxed and easy-going. You can thank me later when you find out that this cures your fear of flying. You’re welcome.
  2. It puts the power back in your position. Or at least it feels that way, which is good enough really. We’ve all met one or two of those TSA officials who act like they’ve got really big dicks. Well now is the perfect opportunity to show him you’ve got one… and take his breath away!
  3. Remember that Fed I mentioned earlier in the post who’s giving himself a handy right now? If you Pop A Boner For Freedom then you’ll ruin his mood. See, he’s into being a voyeur and if we all have boners then he’ll know that we know he’s watching. He’ll never get his rocks off again.
And please don’t write me off as sexist for the focus of this post. This call to arms (or other body parts) isn’t just for men. I want to see every woman out there with a boner! Uh, for freedom, I mean. Ladies are totally able to participate in this form of protest. Go out and get a strap-on to wear next time you fly. (Travel Tip: Don’t use one with metal parts, as this would be against the rules, but there are plenty of fully latex/leather/plastic models out there to choose from.) So come on, women! Appropriate that phallus! Make it your own. If anything, the female version of Popping A Boner For Freedom will be more effective because you’re way more likely to creep TSA out and make them never want to look at body scan images again.

As a final point, let me say that Popping A Boner For Freedom is really for people on all sides of the debate. Everyone should support this plan whether you’re a Reaganomics-loving redneck who gets turned on every time you hear the words “Patriot Act,” or if you’re some uber-leftist hipster excited about the irony in expressing your impotent rage by sporting a woody. It’s win-win. It has the power to bring everybody together! And isn’t that what boners are all about?

Disclaimer: This article is satirical. I know not all TSA officials are assholes. And plus, everybody already walks around with boners all the time anyway, so this plan is redundant.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Black Friday is the Worst Thing About Thanksgiving Weekend

It's easy to come up with reasons to not like Christmas part 1, or what many people know it as, Thanksgiving.  There is hanging out with family members you may not see very often and having to answer their questions about your life like you are interviewing for a Secret Service job.  There is that shitty cranberry sauce from a can that looks like gelatinous menstruation blood.   There is the Detroit Lions and Dallas Cowboy games that are always terrible and even with a good Lions team this year, will still probably end up 52-3 just to fuck with us.  And to top it all off, many people get to do Thanksgiving a second time in the same day when visiting the spouses family.  Once there, you get to try to make conversation about people you don't know and events you were not there for.  It's like inviting a co-worker in accounting over to discuss nuclear fusion.

 Look at all that Hydrogen.

That said, Thanksgiving isn't all that bad.  It is just an excuse to eat a lot of food for no real reason.  Sure, it's kind of related to a feast between Plymouth settlers and Native Americans but really?  Do we really want to go there?  Nobody actually sees the holiday in that sort of light, plus we probably don't want too since those white settlers gave thanks to the Native Americans with genocide.  And with Christopher Columbus day, there are two national holidays that honor Native American history about as well as smallpox did.

 Does not discriminate.  Unless you have built up immunities.  Then it does.

Native American atrocities aside, the worst part of Thanksgiving doesn't even take place on Thanksgiving.  It's the day after called Black Friday and it is possibly the worst day on the calender as far as our consumerist culture is concerned. 

The term Black Friday came from the massive headache the day gave retail workers who saw consumer driven masses try to kill each other over $20 DVD players that will break in January.  If it's not a DVD player, then it's a Tickle Me Elmo, a doll that liked inappropriate touching, or a Furby, which was a robotic, bird, demon, thing that would kill you in your sleep if it had legs.  Regardless, it's a day where people lose their fucking shit over cheap crap to convince their families that yes, they do indeed love them, but at a price.

  Elmo has the creepy advantage but Furby wants it more.

Businesses of course love Black Friday, so they changed the definition to mean the day when businesses move "into the black" on their ledgers.  That is horseshit.  Many people have heard the term Black Friday years before it meant that.  When have you ever heard of a day called Black Anything being positive?  Businesses realized they couldn't get rid of the name so they just changed the definition so that it didn't mean the day retail employees realized society is filled with mindless sheep.  If rape was a business term too, corporations would change the definition of that to mean the satisfaction of buying great products at low, low prices.  "Come get raped at Walmart!  Once you see our prices, you'll be asking for it!"

Black Friday is wretched because it shows how much corporations own you.  These deals exist to get people through the door.  That's it.  If you shop on Black Friday, you're a sucker and the reason advertisements work.  You are why every possible medium in existence is deemed a-okay to smother with ads.  You are why marketing is more important than making sure there isn't lead paint in baby toys.  For every person who complains about too many ads in society, there is 10 people willing to give businesses money for air because some commercial said it would give them sexual powers.

  So much business potential.  We need to bottle this shit.

A vast majority of Black Friday deals last until Christmas but businesses usually have a few deals available for that day only.  They are always limited to the first few customers and only a deranged imbecile who has ruined their day off by camping out in front of the store for the night has a chance to get the 25% off vacuum cleaner.  You are more likely to get an actual dying Nigerian prince's money from an e-mail scam then getting one of these deals.  And it's not like your getting Superman Vol.1 for a ridiculously cheap price either.  Instead, it's more like buying that issue of Superman were he teams up with Ronald McDonald to fight the hamburgler.  There is a reason that these one day only deals discount a product so much.  It's because the product is as worthless as a Beanie Baby.

What?  A small plush toy didn't accrue in value?  No way.

So if the one day only deals are impossible to get and the rest of the deals are available after Black Friday, why even go shopping on this day?  Getting up at 4:00am to fight traffic and lines seems like a terrible way to spend a day off.   But, of course, if you are one of those people who look forward to doing this, you have failed as a human being long before this.  Honestly, you are just a brainwashed idiot now.  If a business told Black Friday shoppers that they would give out a million dollars to the first 10 people to jump off a bridge, 200 people would jump and another 50 would be trampled to death running to the bridge. 

And that is the worst part about all this, somebody will die.  It's pretty much guaranteed because it happens every fucking year.  They get trampled, beaten, or some lunatic cuts in line with a gun because shopping on Black Friday is totally sane.  Surely, those obituaries left out the fact that these people died for a Blu-Ray player.  Talk about dying in vain.  Black Friday has a bigger body count than Hurricane Andrew. 


Black Friday needs to be destroyed just like many of these same businesses destroyed the Christmas bonus.  It's like a day long scientific experiment to see if society is brainwashed by corporations.  So far, the data looks affirmative.  And if you're a Black Friday shopper, you're just another lab rat running through a maze for some cheese.  Day off well spent!

Disclaimer:  I fucking hate Black Friday.  Have you noticed?

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Friday, November 18, 2011

Bring Back Ecto Cooler.

While "researching" the last blog post on awesome 90's kids shows that should be rebooted for adult audiences, I came across The Real Ghostbusters cartoon series.  The show only barely made it into the 90's, being cancelled in 1991, so I didn't think it was a very good candidate for that post.  Also, I just don't remember the show that well since it aired during a time in my life when my free time was spent guiding a blue hedgehog across a countryside littered with gold rings from a tragic Zales Jewelry Store explosion. In other words, busting ghosts would have to wait because Sonic has been underwater for a, oh god, the music has started.  Shit, shit, sshhhiiiiiiiiitttttttt.

You sadistic monster!

There is however one aspect of The Real Ghostbusters that I remember quite well and that's the promotional drink Ecto Cooler.  It was the perfect child fuel since it's ingredient list was basically, "sugar, water, and Uranium 238."  This concoction of soft drink bliss was a dietary staple from 1987-1997 and the drink itself, sans Slimer on the box, lasted until 2001. While I had outgrown the drink by then, a small part of me died when it was discontinued and I lowered my flag to half mast.  The flag of my childhood.  Godspeed future Robocop, godspeed.

"I don't know Bill, maybe we should add more colors to the box so kids will notice it."

The company responsible for my childhood drink is Minute Maid.  Ecto Cooler was part of their line of Hi-C drinks, which represents Helium Chloride, or more accurately, it's high Vitamin C content.  But Ecto Cooler was best known for being the physical representation of Slimer's semen and he wasn't known for eating a lot of fruit.  Vitamin C may have been at this party but it was never invited.  Drinking this drink for the health benefits is like drinking urine to replace your bodily supply of urine.  Ecto Cooler has the same health benefits as Kool Aid, and that has the same health benefits of mainlining diesel fuel.

It is probably the second most requested drink for a reboot behind only Crystal Pepsi but admittedly, for this drink to have a successful comeback it would need to rely heavily on sales from 20-something nerds and hipsters.  That should be enough of a demographic considering Mellow Yellow is still around.  The only time anybody ever drinks that is when there is no Mountain Dew or they have the self esteem of a head of cabbage.  If there is enough sales to keep Mellow Yellow around then why was Ecto Cooler discontinued in the first place?  There is no direct competition to Ecto Cooler so it's discontinuation must of had something to do with Bill Murray wanting it dead.  There was no Sierra Mist to Ecto's Sprite.  No Corona to Ecto's llama piss.  No Red Bull to Ecto's trash compactor runoff. 

Just look at the name.  What hipster wouldn't buy a drink called Ecto Cooler?  I've checked, and the only name for a drink cooler (pun intended) than that is Alpha Rad.  Plus the Ghostbusters theme?  Forget about it.  Greatest tie in ever.  The only way this drink could have been more successful is if it was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tie in and the drink was named Cowabunga Ninja Rap Ooze.  Minute Maid, not Apple, would be the richest corporation in the world thanks to CNRO.  It even makes for a nice acronym even though it's the same acronym as the Community Nursing Registry of Ottawa.

....what kind of registry?

But to truly appeal to hipsters, the question becomes, what kind of liquors mix well with it?  The need for an Ecto Cooler cocktail is a given, but it's practically a necessity for sales and making my pain go away.  The drink already looks like absinthe and gives the drinker a wave of sugary euphoria that only musical theater can beat, so something strong would be needed.  I think rum or whiskey might work, possibly even vodka or gin, but the true test would be tequila.  If tequila could somehow agree with something that isn't balls crushingly sour, I think a lot of stomach pumps would be sold since the alcohol would stay in peoples stomachs rather than ending up on bathroom floors, parking lots and angry spouses.  Tequila would have to change it's tagline from "You're Going to Vomit" to "You're Going to Kill Somebody"  Unless, of course, your like me and tequila convinces you clothing is for pussies.  With Ecto Cooler mixed in, I could be a wired, naked, drunk furiously bludgeoning your belongings with my dick for much longer periods of time.  Nothing better, or, worse for you, than an drunkard who doesn't pass out.

Even with it's amazing cocktail possibilities that exist in my head, it's not very likely we will see Ecto Cooler make a comeback.  If Pepsi won't bring back Crystal Pepsi then Ecto Cooler has a worse chance at a comeback than that retarded Orbitz drink that had floating balls of shit in it.  Yeah, that drink was a great idea.  If there is one thing I want a drink to be it's gritty.  If somebody put cigarettes out on my tongue, that would taste better than Orbitz.  The creators must have been sniffing glue since that would also explain the totally radical rAndOm CapiTaliZations in the drink flavors name.  These guys are as hip as Polio.

    This drink tastes like balls dude!

Ecto Cooler was a great idea though and at least The Chicago Ghostbusters has a recipe for Ecto Cooler which is supposedly spot on.  I would make some for myself but the last time I tried to do chemistry all the plants in a 5 mile radius died.  So, maybe Minute Maid should just make, like, a whole bunch and, like, sell it.  Do it for the plants Minute Maid.  Do it for me and do it for yourselves.  Seriously, do it for yourselves.  I could buy a gun you know.

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical in nature.  I am not actually threatening Minute Maid with a gun.  Not sure how you would do that anyway.  That's like bringing a gun to a lawsuit fight.

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Thursday, November 10, 2011

4 90's Reboots That Should Be Made (For Adults).

After writing a post about a great show that shouldn't come back, it got me thinking what kind of shows from the 90's that should.  Since I grew up in the 90's, the shows I remember the best are geared toward kids.  As much as I have fond memories of these shows, I don't think I would watch a modern version of them now, at least without a severe hangover.  However, these shows were good enough, and just weird enough, that adult versions wouldn't be out of the question.

Here is four shows from the 1990's that need a reboot for adults.

The Adventures of Pete and Pete

Nickelodeon is already bringing back it's golden age with re-runs of all of it's best 90's shows and this one is likely to be among them.  But damn, would it be nice for a reboot of this show to keep up with this style of unpredictable writing, non sequitur plots, unique characters, and clever jokes.  I can not say enough good things about Pete and Pete which is odd since I can nitpick a blowjob.  A reboot of this show would be more successful than Tiger Woods in a speed dating session.

This might be the quirkiest show ever made.  Seriously.  The younger Pete in this show inexplicably had a tattoo named Petunia on his forearm whom he can talk to.  The show never explained this but the audience didn't care.  For most shows, this would be a huge problem but not here.  It made sense that in this real world filtered through the thoughts of a kid, that this type of thing was possible.  What was real, and what wasn't, was not really addressed in the show and it didn't need to be.  It was as real as when I won the Super Bowl 589-0 in 1992 and that is the way we wanted it.

"It only worked...ONCE."

A reboot would have to be aimed at an older audience considering kids now might not like it.  Actually, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't.  It feels like kids today have the imagination of table salt.  This show was all about imagination from Artie, the Strongest Man....IN the World, to Monica, also known as the "Girl Scout of Death" because she kills pets with regularity.   She also supposedly has super hearing due to one of her ancestors marrying a bloodhound (I can't make this stuff up).  These types of things could easily be updated to two Pete's in their twenties.  Artie could now be the richest man in the world from selling shitty merchandise via e-mail scams, assuming he is not a sex offender instead, and Monica could become the Dr. Kevorkian of veterinarians.  The episodes practically write themselves.  Although, I wouldn't be looking forward to the episode where the younger Pete tries, but fails, to remove Petunia with a laser.  It only serves to piss her the fuck off and the dead bodies, so many dead bodies.  Don't listen to her Pete!

Legends of the Hidden Temple

Sticking with Nickelodeon for this entry.  There are many great game shows from the 90's on this network but is there anything better than a game show that drew inspiration from the opening scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark?

Needs a spike pit.

An adult version of this show would kick so much ass, the Pyramids of Giza would envy it. The temple would need to be larger to accommodate adults obviously and Olmec would probably be cut out of the show.  Oh, and they will have to make the temple guards punch resistant because it's bound to happen sneaking up on contestants.  Maybe give them tasers?  I don't know.  The quiz part of the show might have to be re-tooled since all it is is a fake story to give some background to the artifact you are sent to retrieve.  I don't see adults listening to a crappy story long enough to answer questions about it later.  I barely remember the Pete and Pete entry to this article.   

I could only imagine being on this show, grabbing the artifact, and failing to make it out of the temple before time expired.  "This belongs in a museum!", is what I would scream to the host.  They would eventually get tired of arguing with me and just let me take the thing.  Then I would be disappointed to find out that museums don't buy artifacts, especially fake ones.

Bill Nye the Science Guy

Okay, it's kind of a mystery to why this show got so popular but I think it has something to do with watching it in science class for most people. The thing is, I never did.  I saw it at home, like a nerd, sitting on the floor adjusting my pocket protector and screaming for my mom to hurry up with my goddamn chocolate milk.  Do what you will with that information Internet.  Do what you will.

Bill Nye is unlike any science show we have now.  It seems like most science shows today are based on sensationalist dangers like getting annihilated by a Gamma Ray burst from planet Klingon in the Et Tu Brute Galaxy, or it talks about dark matter/energy as if it was the result of a secret Nazi experiment.  Even when the shows cover something with more realism, they usually assume the viewer already has basic High School science down, which is a problem.  About half of the population still thinks Evolution means humans came from chimps, so yeah, I feel safe saying that assumption was made by a dentist.  Not a real scientist, nor doctor, if you know what I mean.

 I totally trust this.

A Bill Nye the Science Guy reboot for adults would dumb it down to a level most people could understand.  People would learn that earthquakes are caused by plate tectonics and not from Satan shooting bottle rockets.  They could learn that the seasons are caused by the tilt of the earth and that yes, it is snowing in Australia in July.  People might learn that rocks are really old and just as boring as they thought they were.  They might also learn why ice is so weird in that it floats in water and it's the only substance whose solid form is less dense than it's liquid form.  Hey, wait a minute, why does ice float in water?  Come on Bill Nye, science me up some sinking ice.


Yes, yes, fucking yes.  This show is prime for an adult reboot.  It could potentially be more insane than SuperJail!, a show about trying to see if by watching an episode, a viewer could forget their own name.  Animaniacs was already kind of a Looney Tunes reboot anyway so why not bring it back to the last generation that actually remembers the Looney Tunes?  Kids would probably watch it because they watch anything but teenagers only sort of know Looney Tunes as those cartoons who tried to beat Disney in the "who is more racist" category of Jeopardy.  Go the adult route and people will definitely watch Chicken Boo get a job as the CEO of Netflix with a pathetically bad disguise.

Is that Cheech Marin?

With a shift in format to adult orientated humor, this show could have a skit where Yakko and Wakko finally convince Hello Nurse to have a threesome, only to find out Dot video tapped it for extortion money. Pinky and the Brain could try to take over the world by stealing the worlds beer supply to hold for ransom, only Pinky screws it up by stealing non-alcoholic beer.  Slappy Squirrel could become a pathetic bar fly who constantly tries to tell people the completely false story of when she dated Humphrey Bogart or how she ended the Cold War with her gumption.  The Goodfeathers could still fight with each other all the time, only now the fight could end with a dead pigeon and hilarious hijinks ensue when they try to ditch the body by selling it to a Chinese restaurant.  Minerva "this boner is confusing me" Mink could easily be turned into a furry parody where she seduces some human dude, fucks him, then, of course, eats him.  An adult orientated Animaniacs has more creative potential than a SyFy original movie.

What am I supposed to do with this?

The idea of a totally adult orientated Animaniacs (the original did have jokes aimed at adults but they were always subtle and watered down, Minerva Mink notwithstanding) is so good I'm amazed nobody has ever pitched it. Or maybe it has been pitched and some dumbass TV executive dismissed the idea and renewed Tim and Eric: Intent to Suck Still Sucks, Fuck This Show, Shitty Job for 3 more seasons.  They wouldn't know a good idea even if it was pitched by a sexy ferret.

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical.  Even I would consider having sex with Minerva Mink.  Maybe.  If I was drunk.

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Monday, November 7, 2011

A Few New Laws

Every now and then, I like to check out the HBO show Real Time with Bill Maher.  While I may not be the biggest Bill Maher fan, I like his segment called "New Rules" in which he makes a quick observation about something and tells a joke about it.  It's effective comedy since it gets right to the point, which is something I don't do so well.  For example, I somehow feel the need to write multiple paragraphs explaining a TV show that most of the people reading it probably already know.  It's like I wrote that post as if my writing had whiskey dick and the orgasm was basically "MTV is stupid".  Worst cumshot ever!

So in an effort to get straight to the point, here is my homage to Bill Mahers New Rules.  And no.  This is not a total ripoff of an idea.  See, these are laws.  They are official!

They are in a book somewhere
New Law:  Any song that the public knows well because it is in a commercial, cannot become popular.  Songs in the Top 40 are shallow enough.  People don't need to like a song because it reminds them of that time they bought tires.

New Law:  Professional sports leagues can't have work stoppages anymore.  If they are hurting for money, than I'm a Bulgarian Lion Tamer.

New Law:  If you are in line at McDonalds or Taco Bell and take longer than one minute to order, you need be accompanied by somebody who is smarter than a baboon to make these decisions for you.  These menus have barely changed over 30 years.  How do you not know what they have?  And does it really matter what you order anyway?  By eating there, you have already told everyone around you that you hate yourself. 

New Law:  Any movie studio that uses the record skip sound effect whenever something supposedly funny happens in the trailer, has to come out and admit that their comedy will contain no good jokes.  The movie might as well have a laugh track.  If the audience needs to be reminded to laugh at a joke, it's probably not very good.  Although, if Hollywood decided to keep putting Kevin James in movies, they are going to need a lot more help telling the audience that the movie is a comedy and not actually torture. 

New Law:  Everyone has to stop giving a shit about the Kardashians.  Stupid people keep thinking one of them is Borat's mother.

New Law:  Somebody needs to invent a razor blade that never dulls.  If kitchen knives can do this, why not razors?  My face is not an onion.  Does Big Shave keep it under wraps so people are forced to keep buying new razors?  I'm not so sure.  These are companies that decided the best way to get the closest shave possible is to just keep throwing more blades onto the razor.  It's amazing that they stopped at only four.  "Three felt about right but four?  Now you've gone to far!"

What is this?  The Middle Ages?
New Law:  TV meteorologists need to come out and say, "We have no idea what we are doing."  The weather forecast for a recent snowstorm here was 4 to 18 inches.  That is not a prediction.  That is all of the predictions.

New Law:  Towing companies cannot own parking lots for the not so expressed reason of towing anybody who parks in them.  It's a parking lot absolutely nobody can use.  How is this legal?  That would be like the Catholic Church owning a condom company in which every condom they produce has a hole poked in it on purpose.

New Law:  People need to stop trying to break big bills at businesses where it's unlikely they can do so (convenience stores and fast food restaurants for example).  Those types of businesses purposely keep a small amount of money in their registers so they will be less attractive to robbers.  This is apparently a difficult concept for some people to grasp so they try to buy a $1.50 Big Gulp with a 100 dollar bill.  If it's their only method of payment, they will then stare at the person working there like it's their fault and hold up the line thinking the clerk will suddenly come clean by saying, "Just kidding, I can take a 100 dollar bill.  I lied to you a second ago just for the fuck of it."

New Law:  Tim Tebow must legally change his name to Football Jesus.

"Hey Quinn.  Have you heard about our lord and savior, me?"
New Law:  Restaurants have to stop charging extra for avocado.  First of all, that is a crime against humanity (and flavor!).  Secondly, they may go bad quickly after you cut them up but they would probably get used up faster if you didn't charge extra.  Actually, the only places that usually don't charge extra is sushi joints. Japan might be batshit insane but at some point during a brief moment of clarity, they realized avocado is too good to have an extra charge.  Then Japan returned to it's acid dreams and raised the prices on the used girl pantie vending machines.

New Law:  This.  Is.  The.  Shit!  This pen, designed by Sylvester Stallone of all people, must be reduced from the ludicrous $5,000 it is priced at now to something everybody can afford.  I know this law is a risk but come on, look at it.  LOOK AT IT!  (Make sure you have the sound on.  This pen makes angels cry).  Just taking the cap off this pen will summon an army of the damned to do your bidding.  Reading just three words written from this pen will cause your eyes to catch fire and for your soul to turn the darkest shade of black. When Dark Lord Cthulhu rises from the ocean to take over the world, the only thing he will fear, is Stallone's poetry written with this pen.

 Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and stupid.  All these laws passed unanimously, 1-0, so somebody with some authority should get on this.

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Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The Return of Beavis and Butthead Should Not Mean the Return of Daria.

I wouldn't exactly call Beavis and Butthead a voice of a generation, or a show that I even watched all that much, but it has certainly left a lasting impression.  It was arguably MTV's most popular show other than The Real World during the 1990's, an era that saw MTV shift away from it's music oriented programming to totally not scripted reality shows. But, while The Real World was the catalyst for MTV's programming change, it's Beavis and Butthead that solidified the change with dried semen in a sock.  Kids liked it because it reminded them of those two weird dudes who sat in the back of math class spending the entire period making fart noises and giggling.  Adults hated it because to them the show verified their beliefs that teenagers have the IQ of turkey gravy.  Adults also believed the show was corrupting America's youth more effectively than Marilyn Manson giving President Clinton a blow job could spark teenage goth orgies.

Obviously, all kids in America are going to buy a motorcycle and watch "Easy Rider."
The only reason Beavis and Butthead ended was because the shows creator, Mike Judge, got bored with the show and decided it had run out of dick puns.  He spent the following years creating a spin off show about rednecks or something called King of the Hill and created the awesomeness that is the movie Office Space which stuck it to the man harder in 90 minutes than a month of Occupy Wall Street drum circles.  However, it would be another spin off from Beavis and Butthead that Mike Judge had nothing to do with that would become easily the smartest written anything MTV has ever done.  That show was Daria and it is one of the best shows ever made.

 Although, she doesn't care what I think

Daria is a show about a high school girl named, well, Daria and her everyday life.  She is unlike your typical high school character as she is comfortable being who she is, intelligent without being a nerd, doesn't give a shit about her popularity, and dresses like she is going to a Smashing Pumpkins concert every day.  Somehow, MTV made a show about a high school girl who doesn't easily fit in any high school archetype, which is a risk Hollywood would never take since failure means cutting the cocaine budget.  (And for me to type that previous sentence, I had to slam a door shut on my hands to get them to write anything complementing MTV).  Daria is the type of girl I probably would have had a crush on but never would have acted upon since I would have thought I'd be rejected via her sarcastic wit.  I was never a Daria type of person in high school but I think the reason I enjoyed the show was because I wish I was.

I think everybody knew somebody, or was somebody, in the show because all of the secondary characters were high school archetypes.  There certainly was Daria's sister Quinn and her fashion, popularity, and rank obsessed friends in my high school.  They were the girls everybody wanted to date but couldn't unless you were up to date on the latest Seventeen magazine.  The show had the typical quarterback and cheerleader couple who constantly accused one of cheating on the other and were so stupid they probably thought having a diet with enough iron in it meant eating dimes.  There was the rock band led by Daria's crush for a few seasons, Trent, who was basically a music obsessed wash out that the show never confirmed did drugs but probably saw an actual Lucy in the sky with diamonds from time to time.  There was Daria's best friend Jane, who was the typical artist student but not depressed, surprisingly open, and probably became a suicide girl after high school.  And you can't forget Daria's parents, the business mom and the comedic foil dad, who helped give a little insight to Daria's off putting personality since her parents where about as grounded to high school reality as Scientology.  Plus, I think Daria's dad is the same dad in Malcolm in the Middle since they are practically the same character.

Unlike this comparison.  Totally different.

The show is very clever in that most episodes deal with typical situations in high school without it feeling like the fake, plastic, "like, oh my god" style high school treatment most media portrays it as.  It's not a soap opera about being the prom queen and it's not a gross out comedy about losing your virginity.  The show is exactly what MTV isn't and it makes me wonder how MTV had that moment of clarity where they realized Puff Daddy was not the answer to all of life's mysteries.  It's almost ironic that the network who most glamorizes high school life is also the one to air the show that most accurately portrayed it.

 Still waiting for the TV show that shows a classroom with no windows.

Daria did really well during its run.  It's arguably as popular as the roots of Daria's character, Beavis and Butthead.  However, Daria never had the pop culture influence that Beavis and Butthead did because it was just an exceedingly well written show.  Beavis and Butthead has almost no writing, was controversial, and kind of pointless.  MTV, of course, has decided to bring back Beavis and Butthead since they are the only two characters in the history of the network that is dumber than the networks viewership.  Daria, I fear, would be too smart for today's modern MTV audience who thinks getting pregnant at 16 might get them an endorsement deal and that the best way to get famous is to be a raging dickhead (men) or show your vagina to anybody with a camera (women).

Now that Beavis and Butthead is back, MTV must realize that bringing back Daria would be a terrible idea.  Don't get me wrong, I loved Daria, but a modernized version would look ridiculous regardless of the audience.  That show was so 90's, the characters could have played a game of Pogs with Kurt Cobain and it would have seemed completely normal.  They could have written an entire episode where the characters sit at a computer and just type famous Simpsons quotes in an AOL chatroom, and that would be an accurate description of my middle school self.  This show knew me better than I knew myself.  

Despite the subject matter of many Daria episodes holding up really well even today, a reboot would need to completely update the characters.  Would Daria even have a Facebook profile?  She doesn't seem like the type.  Would she be an Apple fangirl?  Too trendy.  Would Quinn star on 16 and pregnant?  Doubtful since she seemed to use her sexuality to get things, not actually fuck anybody.  Would Kevin, the quarterback on the show, be addicted to steroids and fly off the handle after anybody questioned his intelligence?  Probably and it would totally ruin his character.  Modernizing these characters would be as effective as a modern version of The Honeymooners and not having Jackie Gleason's character arrested for domestic violence.  It would work as well as making a new Rambo movie staring Bumblebee from Transformers.

  Now she lives in a box.  That's what 2011 kids do right?  Live in boxes?

On the other hand, Beavis and Butthead works because that series basically has not plot.  It really doesn't.  It's just a TV show about two morons doing moronic things.  However, in the new show, the characters mock MTV's own shows since mocking music videos would just be a constant reminder of how much MTV has treated it's roots like a dollar store blow up doll.  (Plus, this idea is so meta, MTV might become the first truly self aware network). I am not opposed to a Daria cameo in this show as long as it's just that, a cameo.  If she becomes a recurring character again I will...make some sort of sarcastic joke then move on.  That's what Daria would have done.  She's so smart.

Daria was a great show for that time in history.  I was at the right age for it and there is no way a modernized show could even come close.  The show was so good that by the end of it, I started to care about Quinn despite her being the antithesis to Daria.  It's rare to see a show grow a character so well that the audience actually cares about their story and it's not the main character.  That would be like creating a Super Mario Bros. movie where the audience cared about Luigi.  There is no way in hell MTV could possibly pull this off since the writing staff they would hire would be made up of three monkeys, an energy drink salesmen, and The Situation's illegitimate Filipino son.  Even if the writers were competent, the network execs would dumb it down.  The show can't be too smart otherwise the audience will get scared, angry, or possibly even realize MTV's other shows feels like watching a documentary on castration. 

So just leave Daria alone.  Its legacy is fine.  Although, it is too bad the legacy didn't include turning MTV into a good network.  Then maybe MTV would have realized The Real World was less real than an a scripted animated show.

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and opinionated.  A modern Daria would only work if MTV had nothing to do with it and also, it not being Daria.

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