Thursday, November 10, 2011

4 90's Reboots That Should Be Made (For Adults).

After writing a post about a great show that shouldn't come back, it got me thinking what kind of shows from the 90's that should.  Since I grew up in the 90's, the shows I remember the best are geared toward kids.  As much as I have fond memories of these shows, I don't think I would watch a modern version of them now, at least without a severe hangover.  However, these shows were good enough, and just weird enough, that adult versions wouldn't be out of the question.

Here is four shows from the 1990's that need a reboot for adults.

The Adventures of Pete and Pete

Nickelodeon is already bringing back it's golden age with re-runs of all of it's best 90's shows and this one is likely to be among them.  But damn, would it be nice for a reboot of this show to keep up with this style of unpredictable writing, non sequitur plots, unique characters, and clever jokes.  I can not say enough good things about Pete and Pete which is odd since I can nitpick a blowjob.  A reboot of this show would be more successful than Tiger Woods in a speed dating session.

This might be the quirkiest show ever made.  Seriously.  The younger Pete in this show inexplicably had a tattoo named Petunia on his forearm whom he can talk to.  The show never explained this but the audience didn't care.  For most shows, this would be a huge problem but not here.  It made sense that in this real world filtered through the thoughts of a kid, that this type of thing was possible.  What was real, and what wasn't, was not really addressed in the show and it didn't need to be.  It was as real as when I won the Super Bowl 589-0 in 1992 and that is the way we wanted it.

"It only worked...ONCE."

A reboot would have to be aimed at an older audience considering kids now might not like it.  Actually, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't.  It feels like kids today have the imagination of table salt.  This show was all about imagination from Artie, the Strongest Man....IN the World, to Monica, also known as the "Girl Scout of Death" because she kills pets with regularity.   She also supposedly has super hearing due to one of her ancestors marrying a bloodhound (I can't make this stuff up).  These types of things could easily be updated to two Pete's in their twenties.  Artie could now be the richest man in the world from selling shitty merchandise via e-mail scams, assuming he is not a sex offender instead, and Monica could become the Dr. Kevorkian of veterinarians.  The episodes practically write themselves.  Although, I wouldn't be looking forward to the episode where the younger Pete tries, but fails, to remove Petunia with a laser.  It only serves to piss her the fuck off and the dead bodies, so many dead bodies.  Don't listen to her Pete!

Legends of the Hidden Temple

Sticking with Nickelodeon for this entry.  There are many great game shows from the 90's on this network but is there anything better than a game show that drew inspiration from the opening scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark?

Needs a spike pit.

An adult version of this show would kick so much ass, the Pyramids of Giza would envy it. The temple would need to be larger to accommodate adults obviously and Olmec would probably be cut out of the show.  Oh, and they will have to make the temple guards punch resistant because it's bound to happen sneaking up on contestants.  Maybe give them tasers?  I don't know.  The quiz part of the show might have to be re-tooled since all it is is a fake story to give some background to the artifact you are sent to retrieve.  I don't see adults listening to a crappy story long enough to answer questions about it later.  I barely remember the Pete and Pete entry to this article.   

I could only imagine being on this show, grabbing the artifact, and failing to make it out of the temple before time expired.  "This belongs in a museum!", is what I would scream to the host.  They would eventually get tired of arguing with me and just let me take the thing.  Then I would be disappointed to find out that museums don't buy artifacts, especially fake ones.

Bill Nye the Science Guy

Okay, it's kind of a mystery to why this show got so popular but I think it has something to do with watching it in science class for most people. The thing is, I never did.  I saw it at home, like a nerd, sitting on the floor adjusting my pocket protector and screaming for my mom to hurry up with my goddamn chocolate milk.  Do what you will with that information Internet.  Do what you will.

Bill Nye is unlike any science show we have now.  It seems like most science shows today are based on sensationalist dangers like getting annihilated by a Gamma Ray burst from planet Klingon in the Et Tu Brute Galaxy, or it talks about dark matter/energy as if it was the result of a secret Nazi experiment.  Even when the shows cover something with more realism, they usually assume the viewer already has basic High School science down, which is a problem.  About half of the population still thinks Evolution means humans came from chimps, so yeah, I feel safe saying that assumption was made by a dentist.  Not a real scientist, nor doctor, if you know what I mean.

 I totally trust this.

A Bill Nye the Science Guy reboot for adults would dumb it down to a level most people could understand.  People would learn that earthquakes are caused by plate tectonics and not from Satan shooting bottle rockets.  They could learn that the seasons are caused by the tilt of the earth and that yes, it is snowing in Australia in July.  People might learn that rocks are really old and just as boring as they thought they were.  They might also learn why ice is so weird in that it floats in water and it's the only substance whose solid form is less dense than it's liquid form.  Hey, wait a minute, why does ice float in water?  Come on Bill Nye, science me up some sinking ice.


Yes, yes, fucking yes.  This show is prime for an adult reboot.  It could potentially be more insane than SuperJail!, a show about trying to see if by watching an episode, a viewer could forget their own name.  Animaniacs was already kind of a Looney Tunes reboot anyway so why not bring it back to the last generation that actually remembers the Looney Tunes?  Kids would probably watch it because they watch anything but teenagers only sort of know Looney Tunes as those cartoons who tried to beat Disney in the "who is more racist" category of Jeopardy.  Go the adult route and people will definitely watch Chicken Boo get a job as the CEO of Netflix with a pathetically bad disguise.

Is that Cheech Marin?

With a shift in format to adult orientated humor, this show could have a skit where Yakko and Wakko finally convince Hello Nurse to have a threesome, only to find out Dot video tapped it for extortion money. Pinky and the Brain could try to take over the world by stealing the worlds beer supply to hold for ransom, only Pinky screws it up by stealing non-alcoholic beer.  Slappy Squirrel could become a pathetic bar fly who constantly tries to tell people the completely false story of when she dated Humphrey Bogart or how she ended the Cold War with her gumption.  The Goodfeathers could still fight with each other all the time, only now the fight could end with a dead pigeon and hilarious hijinks ensue when they try to ditch the body by selling it to a Chinese restaurant.  Minerva "this boner is confusing me" Mink could easily be turned into a furry parody where she seduces some human dude, fucks him, then, of course, eats him.  An adult orientated Animaniacs has more creative potential than a SyFy original movie.

What am I supposed to do with this?

The idea of a totally adult orientated Animaniacs (the original did have jokes aimed at adults but they were always subtle and watered down, Minerva Mink notwithstanding) is so good I'm amazed nobody has ever pitched it. Or maybe it has been pitched and some dumbass TV executive dismissed the idea and renewed Tim and Eric: Intent to Suck Still Sucks, Fuck This Show, Shitty Job for 3 more seasons.  They wouldn't know a good idea even if it was pitched by a sexy ferret.

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical.  Even I would consider having sex with Minerva Mink.  Maybe.  If I was drunk.

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