Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?

Having lady problems? Fear not for I have a plan.

You see, women like spontaneous acts of romance similar to those found in Ashton Kutcher movies. The kinds of acts that are so over the top, women will have no choice but to throw their vaginas at you. Of course it helps being Ashton Kutcher, who women find attractive because he has a lot of money for an 18 year old boy, but that doesn't matter. It's the thought that counts. Or so I've heard.

Here is the plan. Get a horse. A living one, unlike that time you wrote that screenplay, "Things I Can Do Better Than Catherine The Great." Once you have the horse, get some drinks in you because this is going to take courage. You need to get naked and ride the thing to your future sweethearts home.

That's right. We are going the naked cowboy route. Trust me, it works every time. Or so I've heard.

Once you reach her house is when the spontaneity occurs. You need to send the message that you are going to be her cowboy for when the chicken (you're dick) comes home to roost (the vagina being thrown at you). I think there was a similar scene in Tombstone. Ashton Kutcher played Doc Holliday right? IMDB has to be wrong. Nobody I've asked knows who Val Kilmer is.

Anyway, to send this message you're going to have to do something drastic. Like break down her door. Wait, wait. Here me out. Just standing outside her place is too "insane naked guy on a horse" when you are going for "naked future husband on a horse." You need spontaneity and nothing is more spontaneous than home invasions. It will work. It has to work.


Ok. This won't work. This is obviously the dumbest advice ever because I've never actually seen an Ashton Kutcher movie sober. You would have to be an idiot to actually do this so that's why nobody has ever OH SHIT IT'S TOTALLY REAL.

To be fair, there is something missing here though. He didn't go full monty. That, and he is also not Ashton Kutcher. He should have at least tried a little harder with the nudity. It may have given him a better shot. And hey, if it still fails, he can brag to his friends how he got his name on an exclusive list!

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and poking fun of stupid half-naked cowboys. I also hope to never write "Ashton Kutcher" that many times ever again in one blog post.

Follow me on Twitter. Contact me at jk47.foc@gmail.com

Saturday, June 11, 2011


Well hello there. I didn't expect you so early. It's okay though, I'm prepared. I already stopped at the store to pick up a few things. The beer is on ice, not like you will be needing any, and the drugs have been smoked and injected a long time ago. I also got a 5 gallon bucket of lube so whenever you would like too...

Wait. What's that?...Oh shit! Sorry. I thought you were that, um, companion from Japan that is totally into me and stuff. Yes, yes. Ok, yes sorry. Sorry I confused you for that robot hooker I ordered. Jesus, you act like you have never been confused for a sex toy before!

Anyway, since your here, welcome to my new comedy blog! Stick around for a bit. I guess you can have a beer but don't drink them all.

This is a personal blog where I will be writing about my various observations on culture that I think are funny. It will be a lot like my other blog but will be updated more frequently and is going to be a little more my style. A little more loose too. I know writing about something as large, complicated, and kind of vague as culture is a little directionless but it's a topic I like to write, and more importantly, joke about.

Culture here includes social beliefs and behaviors, entertainment, subcultures, and "pop" culture, which in the age of the internet, is just as big of a part of culture as someones religion or nationality. I'm not saying Bieber is bigger than Jesus but he's certainly bigger than Buddha. I mean, not physically bigger than Buddha but you know what I'm getting at. Pop culture isn't really any different than our regular culture anymore. Some people actually thought Donald Trump was a credible candidate for president. Need I go on?

So anyway, I'll do a first real post soon. Come by and check it out. Even if you don't agree with my opinion, hopefully you'll enjoy the jokes. If you like poking fun of stupid things our culture embraces and laughing at them, then we can be friends. Thanks for reading.

For now though, you should probably go. My date is going to show up soon. If it has a camera on it where some pervert on the other end sees two of us I will get charged double. Take a beer with you. I'll see you later.

Follow me on Twitter.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...