Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The 6 Worst Blog Posts I Have Written in 2011

If 2011 was anything to me, it was the year I started blogging.  The entire year actually as I started blogging in January over at Flies on Congress, a blog that was a joint effort between a friend and myself.  After a few months in the spring of being the lone writer, I decided it was not appropriate for me to keep writing there if it was only going to be myself.  That blog was our baby whom we tag teamed like a video on Pornhub.  It had trouble walking after we were done with it.  Going solo only made me feel like a fluffer.

So in June of 2011, I started this blog with the same goal in mind, to write jokes about our culture.  Between the two blogs, I have written about pop culture, superhero movies, karaoke, the public perceptions of Colorado, virtual reality boning, and Santa Fe, NM because I went there once.  I even wrote an entire trilogy on TLC, a television channel I've never actually watched because I'm afraid doing so would turn me into a tampon.  Hopefully, the jokes I wrote were good enough because that is the main point, to laugh at all this crap.  Otherwise I just come across as some ranting, nitpicking, jerk.

Then again, maybe I am some ranting, nitpicking, jerk.  Who am I to say our culture is based on nothing but reactionary, mindless, flavor of the month, shit?  Maybe, just maybe, I am in the wrong.  Maybe I should just accept society and move on.  Maybe I need to pay a penance for a year of mocking everything that everybody else likes.

Here is the 6 worst blog posts I have ever written.

Here is some art leftover from what would have easily been my worst article ever.

 1.  Virtual Reality Sex (It Would Suck)

Right off the bat, I go for sex appeal.  It might not be the greatest topic for sex appeal, but if Geometry gives you a boner, than this blog post will do more for you than any Target catalog.

This is the first blog post where I thought I was finding my voice and actually writing something halfway decent.  It turns out, the post is as funny as Jeff Dunham without the racism and it's central thesis of "Demolition Man ruined virtual reality" is like saying "Star Wars ruined laser swords."  The connection just isn't there.

I come off snarky in this post.  Just look at this sentence.
"In the 1980’s and 90’s, as technology pushed onward full steam ahead, a future full of awesome Holodecks seemed possible."
No they fucking didn't!  Nobody thought that.  I made that shit up.  The only place that thought Holodecks were possible was the Discovery Channel and that dude I played Magic the Gathering with once.   

There is a silver lining in this post though.  I think I know where the first reference to Robot Hooker Party came from.
"Luckily, we have Japan’s booming sex robot market to fill the void of virtual sex."
Never mind the fact that the quote should read, "void FOR virtual sex", but the clairvoyance in that sentence is so cryptic, I think it came from that night I dreamed about robot hookers while sleeping with a Virtual Boy strapped to my head.  Maybe that's where the name of this blog originated.  Or at the very least, it would explain the crippling headache I had when I awoke that day and why I couldn't see the color red for three weeks.

 Black and red are totally the colors I associate with Tennis

 2.  4 Misconceptions About Colorado

Hard to tell what this post has to do about culture except for the public conceptions of Colorado.  I don't really take on the media or Hollywood's misconceptions either, just people who are not from here or have ever been here. That is a really big population to call out in a blog post.  I doubt some dude in China thinks about Colorado that often or ever.  Besides, Chinese people are probably too busy defending their farms from swarms of dragons.  Then they play chicken with tanks every Saturday.

For a state I never think about and have never been too for longer than half an hour on my way to Vegas, I sure do rip Arizona a lot in this post.
"It’s pretty dry here but not as dry as Arizona who is going to get a sexual harassment lawsuit if it won’t stop humping my states leg. Actually, I think Arizona is on ecstasy. The dry humping. Asking us for water. Naming their cities after mythological birds. Yeah. I’m on to you Arizona."
Not sure how a state, not the people in the state mind you, the actual state, can take drugs but Arizona somehow became an extra in the movie What Dreams Will Come in that quote.  I must have confused Arizona for the person playing heroin addict #4.   I do think that was Arizona standing in the background of that double sided dildo scene though. 

My favorite part though has to be the section of the post where I challenge everybody at lower altitudes to a drinking competition.
"One thing is true about the altitude though. It lowers your alcohol tolerance. I can drink anybody from sea level under the table. Anybody. The altitude also gives me superpowers where if I travel to sea level I can still out drink you due to me having to drink 750 drinks just to get a buzz. You can’t win sea dweller."
I'm pretty sure if anybody actually does challenge me, I'd lose.  I just have a feeling.  I can't drink like I used to.  Although, if a challenge does happen, I only have one request.  The challenge must be exactly like that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark complete with people gambling.  This way, I can bet on you to beat me!

 This round, we drink mojitos, then comes the Cosmo round.

3.  Why TLC is the Worst Channel on Television, Part 3

In the finale of my TLC trilogy, I talk about my least favorite subject of all, children.  In a strange twist of fate, fate being the ass leeches who run TLC, I am actually defending children in a "this is dangerously close to child porn" way.  Anybody who knows me knows that I don't share Playstation controllers with kids, I sneer back at kids who stare at me, and I'm not above telling a 6 year old that their mother is a whore.  But TLC?  Man, that channel makes me look like the patron saint of candy and toys.

Anyway, in this blog post I spend half of it talking about a show that nobody remembers.  TLC has done it's best to erase it from history like a Japanese school board concerning the years 1931 to 1945.  To be fair, the show Outrageous Kids Parties was like declaring war on sanity so maybe it's a good thing it's history is erased.

I still wonder what the parents in this show where thinking.
"It’s like these parents have decided to not be parents the rest of the year and spend all their time figuring out if they can sue Trojan for the broken condom."
That would explain where the parents got the money to throw these parties.  Trojan has deep, latex lined pockets.  Although, in that sentence, I make it sound like these parents resent their kids.  I don't think resentful parents throw those kinds of parties.  The parties resentful parents throw usually involve domestic abuse. 

As for the second show I talk about in this post?  Toddlers and Tiaras?  This quote pretty much sums it up.
"Don’t let down your mom kid! She has demons! Personal demons like the time Bobby dumped her for the girl who would put out! Mommy will show that slut who is prettier by parading around her pretty little girl."
I would make an apology for basically saying that the mothers in this show are trying to turn their daughters into sluts, they are doing that.  Exactly that.  Disturbingly that.

 Fans of the show no doubt.

4.  Bad Tippers With Worse Excuses

Never mind the fact that I haven't had a tip dependent job since I was 16 years old, this blog post feels out of place from my usual stuff.  That's because debates about tipping are easily some of the strangest that exist on the Internet.  It's not so much that the debates themselves are strange, it's that the debate exists in the first place.  Yet here I am, adding to this stupid debate with this blog post.

I have taken a side instead of mocking the debate itself, which really is just a bunch of cheap assholes trying to explain why their cheap asshole behavior is justified to people who depend on tips from cheap assholes.  Did they not think servers and bartenders are going to complain when they get shafted on a tip?  What did they expect?  The hot bartender to get their phone number so they can give the bartender a tip with their small dick?  Did they expect a free meal because food doesn't magically cook in 26 seconds?  Did they think their server will tell them that the mere presence of their company was so great, that they should just keep their money so they can buy more trucker hats?  If you are a cheap asshole, then people are going to call you a cheap asshole.  It can't get more straight forward.

That said, the bad tipping crowd tend to defend themselves anyway with the bad economy argument.  It's the most common argument so I thought tackling it first would help end this debate once and for all.
"You can’t afford the $5 tip but the $25 bill was just fine? If money is an issue, like this claim suggests, then the bigger amount should be more troubling. If you can’t afford the tip, why go to a place were tipping is standard? There are cheaper options available. That’s like buying a bottle of Grey Goose vodka and then complaining about the liquor tax."
Despite my flawless logic and razor sharp wit, that analogy isn't exactly right.  Liquor taxes go to the government to bribe all those people who know the truth about 9/11.  A tip goes to people serving you food, or as a bad tipper would say, it goes to some jackass who thought tomato goes on a BLT.

 Never again.

The worst excuse is probably the "I never get good service" excuse.  Right.  It couldn't possibly be your own fault.  Every restaurant you've ever been too is just terrible and has a vendetta against you.  I'm sure it's also your wife's fault she has those bruises that the cops keep questioning you about too.

This is what I wrote about these fine individuals.
"This customers standards are impossibly high on purpose so they don’t have to tip well, or at all. Any person who uses this argument is so full of shit I swear they just got untied from the back of a human centipede."
Oh yeah.  A Human Centipede reference.  This is either my worst joke because nobody got it or my best because it's kind of obscure.  It doesn't matter much though because if any bad tippers read this article, they probably didn't get it either since they thought choking down someone's shit was the best dining experience they ever had. 

5.  3OH!3 Sucks

If I ever wrote a blog post that won't hold up well after a year, it's this one.  The last time I heard a 3Oh!3 song was when I wrote this.  This band disappeared faster than my boner while watching the movie Sucker Punch.  Granted, they will probably re-emerge in two years with another terrible song about getting girls to sleep with them by claiming to be good friends with Justin Bieber, but I doubt they will ever be as popular as they were.  They can't have Ke$ha guest star on all their songs. 

Speaking of which, why the hell did Ke$ha even guest star on a song anyway?
"And as if one song about hating women wasn't enough, the band had to double down by releasing a song even worse called "My First Kiss", which featured Ke$ha for three lines and who has single-handedly set women's rights back to the Middle Ages."
She was barely in the song!  She walked into the studio, sang three lines, collected her paycheck, then went to go bang Mike Jaggor who works for Rolling Stone magazine.

"It's like, totally cool that a band has it's own magazine." 

It's probably a good thing I don't really blame Ke$ha for this song despite thinking that she is an absolutely wretched human being who would probably be turned down from a stripper job for smelling like a yak.  To be fair, she was probably not the one who came up with the most asinine song lyric since the Black Eyed Peas song My Humps had the profound lyrics of, "My lovely lady lumps, in the back and in the front."

Oh, is that where those are?  Sorry, I thought you were a hunchback. I guess Fergie and 3Oh!3 both feel the need to explain their metaphors.
"Then there is the, "Your kiss is like whiskey, it gets me drunk" line. Yeah, thanks for explaining that one to us. Either the band thought the audience didn't know the effects of whiskey, or the girl they are talking about is some sort of succubus who has whiskey for saliva."
They could have left out the " gets me drunk" part and I think the audience probably would have still grasped the concept of an intoxicating kiss.  Then again, here I am complaining about a band whose primary audience is probably 10 years old.  That's like complaining about a juice box.

6.  Bring Back Ecto Cooler!

This is probably the most selfish of my blog posts since I write about a discontinued drink from my childhood in which I'm curious if it could be a decent cocktail mixer.  Another drink from my childhood, Sunny D, is disgusting and the only way I would mix that with alcohol is if the drink was 99% booze.  Sunny D tastes like sour oranges and paper.  In that sense, Ecto Cooler has a much better chance of fulfilling this need to mix booze with childhood memories in order to erase said childhood memories.

The cultural impact of Ecto Cooler is tiny at best but the Ghostbusters are awesome.  It's cult following is huge.  Well, mostly the movies anyway because the TV show wasn't very good.
"There is however one aspect of The Real Ghostbusters that I remember quite well and that's the promotional drink Ecto Cooler.  It was the perfect child fuel since it's ingredient list was basically, "sugar, water, and Uranium 238."  This concoction of soft drink bliss was a dietary staple from 1987-1997 and the drink itself, sans Slimer on the box, lasted until 2001. While I had outgrown the drink by then, a small part of me died when it was discontinued and I lowered my flag to half mast.  The flag of my childhood.  Godspeed future Robocop, godspeed."
It is unfortunate to let everybody know the bad news but I have not grown up to be Robocop.   Also, I made a pretty big error here.  Ecto Cooler has Uranium 239, not 238.  Sorry for the mistake.

  The Ecto Cooler secret ingredient is closely guarded.

I think I'm just angry that an awesome promotional drink could have lasted this long, only to get discontinued like coffee flavored cola, or as I call it, death incarnate.  I guess it was inevitable but it still hurts.  There just isn't any better promotion from the 90's, except for maybe from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
"The only way this drink could have been more successful is if it was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tie in and the drink was named Cowabunga Ninja Rap Ooze.  Minute Maid, not Apple, would be the richest corporation in the world thanks to CNRO.  It even makes for a nice acronym even though it's the same acronym as the Community Nursing Registry of Ottawa."
Like that made up drink would still be around either.  TMNT has been re-booted so many times, I think the turtles only eat gluten-free pizza now.  I would probably be complaining about that drink being discontinued too while getting an ulcer checked by a nurse from Ottawa.  Yes, that nursing registry is a real thing.  Did you think I made it up?


So there you have it.  The six worst blog posts I have written in 2011.  I will be truly shocked if anybody read this far.  This is by far the longest thing I have written despite 1/3 of it being quoted material.  But since you have read this far, I will let you in on a little secret.  I lied about these being the worst.  I think these are actually my best.  It's like I just came up with this concept just to have a vessel to do a "best of 2011" list without it looking like me jerking off.  It's like, totally meta.  Whoa!  Internet jokes!

Disclaimer:  I apologize for nothing!

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Sunday, December 11, 2011

A Review of 4 Bad Christmas Products.

Back when blogging was still hip and I was just a little rascal running around the Internet throwing words at websites like an adorable scamp, I wrote a review of six bad Valentines Day gifts.  I thought it was such a good idea at the time that I decided to do the same thing for other holidays.  Then I proceeded to forget all about that idea and watch porn.  Now I plan to change that.  And what a better time to bring the review theme back than for the largest, most commercialized holiday ever?  Kwanzaa!

Well, it turns out, people have gotten feed up with the commercialization of Kwanzaa.  There just isn't enough Kwanzaa related products to review anymore.  However, that is probably a good thing because nobody knows a damn thing about this holiday.  I don't know anything about it either.  I thought a Kwanzaa was some sort of horn.  They play Kwanzaas in marching bands right?

Anyway, I hear there is this new holiday called Christmas that has many options of gifts to review.  Unfortunately, everything is a potential Christmas gift and that seems like a daunting task.    I don't like the prospects of doing a review on ALL the gifts.  Literally all of them.  So here is a review of 4 bad Christmas themed products (decorations and novelties mainly) instead.

Born to Shop Ornament

With this ornament, you can show all your loved ones that your purpose in life is to be a consumerist shill.  People can look at your Christmas tree and know that when you go shopping, you shop with vigor.  The vigor of a shopping spree hopefully in montage form with Bonnie Tylers "I Need a Hero" providing the soundtrack.  Cashiers at the businesses you shop at will cower in fear when you flaunt your mighty purchasing power but it's okay.  You were born for this very reason.  It is, your destiny.

Actually, anybody who buys this is a walking stereotype.  It's like an ornament maker from the 1950's designed this.  I can only imagine what went through the designers head.  "What do women like?  Cooking, sewing, being capitalists...oh, that's right!  They like to buy shoes and war bonds!  Shopping, dames love shopping.  It's almost as if they were, born damn!  I'm on to something here.  This is going to be a hit!  Now only if my seventh wife didn't leave me yesterday, I could have given this to her for Christmas. 

Santa Dollar Bill

George Washington is rolling over in his grave.  He just got kicked off the one dollar bill for a person who probably never existed and is best known for being the fattest person to ever fit in a chimney.  Granted, Santa probably does have a better win/loss record in war considering he has to go to the Sudan once a year. 

I'm not sure what this is.  Even the company that is selling it doesn't know what it is since they took it down.*  If they made a full line of bills, was Rudolph on the 5, John McClane on the 10, and a red rider BB gun on the 20?  Of course Jesus would have to be on the 100 dollar bill but that's only because there's like 100 psalms, which is divisible by ten, in which there are ten commandments and that number appears in the book of revelations somewhere and HOLY SHIT, THE WORLD IS GOING TO END IN TEN DAYS! 

*  What the shit, website?  "The requested product does not exists"?  Exists?  I am nobody to judge since this blog has the occasional typo, ahem, but there is only one fucking sentence on that page.  Are you trying to tell me that this product does not exist in ANY reality or time?  This is a little too much for my mind to handle.  Where did I get that picture from then website?  The anti-reality?  Neither myself or anybody else knows what that is!  Please contact some scientists.  This could be important. 

Poinsettia shirt

Hahahahahaha!   Did a hillbilly steal a table cloth from a nursing home and make a shirt out of it?  Or maybe they made the shirt out of the carpet at the Tropicana casino in Las Vegas?  See, this is what happens when you let fashion designers drink moonshine.  Somebodies eyes will catch fire and burn right out of their skull if they look at that atrocity for too long.     

I don't know what Poinsettias have to do with Christmas and I don't care enough to look it up but that might be the worst shirt I've ever seen.  I feel bad for the model in the picture.  That shirt makes her look 85 years old.  And she is looking off to the side as if she is about to say, "I have a really strong opinion about bunt cake." 

Santa Toilet Seat Cover

You're going to be alone for Christmas aren't you?

Just like with the first product review article, it only makes sense that I end this with another glorified shit joke.

Joe Fuckface stumbles home after finding the end of a bottle of McCormicks Whiskey, Dec 25th. 2011.  Approximately 1:52am.  Or maybe 1:53am because that clock that Sarah gave him is a lying whorish cunt too.  He hopes that clock gets herpes.

"What nowwww werld?"  Cried the drunken Joe.  "What are you gonna do to I now?  Just piss me off sumabitch......"

Joe passed out for the night.  He dreamt of better days with Sarah.  Days before her vagina found the better end of a dick named Sven.  He dreamt of dates at the local watering hole picking fights with black people.  He dreamt of stabbing his boss with an icepick at the Pussycat Lounge, the nightclub he bounced for.  He dreamt about Candy, a dancer at the club.  Boy did he ever dream about her, with her platinum blond hair and cigar burns on her left tit.  

He was in a deep sleep.  A sleep that a doctor would have confused for a dead man.  That and because he died of alcohol posioning for 30 seconds in his sleep but that's neither here nor there.  It was a sleep so good, that he was not too pleased to find out what he did when he awoke. 

"Ahh-fu-ah-shit.  I done pissed me self agayin."  slurred Joe.

He starred down at the yellow piss stain on his floor, where he had passed out, and decided it looked like Sarah after she just got done being a fucking whorish cunt bag who cuntly did things a giant cunt would do.  He concluded that Sarah might be, NAY, she WAS the biggest cunt to ever walk this cuntish fucking earth and that Sven was the vice-cunt president.

"Fuckin Sarah.  Suppose'da have Christmas together."  Said Joe, while his stomach began to ache.  "I doubt Steve can lick a pussy like I can.  Steve?  His name were Stan.  Stan the man.  Stan the WOman, heh heh heh."

Joe's stomach growled deeply but not because of hunger or from some guy named Stan.  No, this growl was from his nether regions.  A place so foul, Sven's nether regions must have looked like Valhalla to Sarah.

"Ah fuck mah sista!  I gotta shit."  Yelled Joe.

Joe stumbled and tripped his way to the bathroom and that is when he saw it, just sitting there mocking Joe's very existence.  It was the Santa toilet seat cover.  The one him and Sarah bought from Pier One about a year ago.  It was there because Joe had forgotten or maybe because Joe was a dip shit.  The toilet knew too much about Joe.  It KNEW things about Joe.  Terrible things.  It knew of the love he had for Sarah and how she betrayed him with Sven's eight inch penis that probably doesn't exist but if it does, holy shit.  Fuck that guy.

"Are you gonna laff at me too now Santa?"  Asked a dejected Joe.

"Hahaha.  Yes, of course you fucking asshole."  Said the Santa toilet seat cover in Joe's mind.

"Well then fuck you too Santa.  I got yer cookies right here!"  Said Joe as he pulled down his pants, sat down, and let rip the nastiest, mud buttiest shit he ever had.

Joe, feeling like he won the battle with the toilet, and by proxy Sarah, decided that he needed a little icing on the cake.  A little something else to let all the other cunts in the world know that nobody will ever be as big of a cunt as Sarah, the fucking cuntist cunt of cuntington. 

"Don't worry.  The milk to warsh down those cookies is commin in a minute."  Said Joe as he turned to the toilet, pants still down around the ankles, holding a Barely Legal magazine and flipping to the centerfold.

"Actually."  Said Joe, "It might be a few minutes.  I got a bit of the whiskey dick."

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and all of these products are real.  Well, except for maybe the Santa one dollar bill.  That thing only exists in the Realm of Sorrow now.  

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Monday, December 5, 2011

About the Seth MacFarlane Flintstones Reboot

In what can only be deemed Reboota-Palooza here at Robot Hooker Party, it's only natural to bring up one of the dumbest reboots of modern times since NBC decided in 2008 that America needed more talking cars.  Of course that was the reboot of Knight Rider, a show that was so awesome during its first run, I almost forgot to buy those box sets I never wanted.  Remind me again of how a sentient car is supposed to help solve crimes when it can't enter a building without driving through a wall. 

This time Fox decided to give Seth MacFarlane whatever the hell he wants by rebooting The Flintstones.  Wow Fox, show a little restraint.  Don't be too obvious with the blow jobs you give this man nightly.  Somebody might notice.  Apparently, if Seth MacFarlane wanted to do an animated comedy about the holocaust, Fox would ask him how many Nazi's they should hire to work as animators.

I should point out that this, without a doubt, is happening.  Production has started and it's slated for release in 2013.  I know rebooting classic shows is not a new thing and a Flintstones reboot is long overdue anyway, so maybe this won't be a bad thing. Just like the Charlie's Angels reboot is not a bad thi-hahaha, sorry, I can't do it.  Who am I kidding?  This will suck the shit stain off my jockeys.

 Other reboots don't get creepy public art though.  Fred's eyes!  Don't look at the eyes!

The Flintstones, for all of you who have sheltered themselves from society, is a show about a family who lives with dinosaurs and his friend is an alcoholic or something.  Okay, so the show aired in the 1960's, most of the jokes were puns about living in the stone age, and I never really watched it.  It was groundbreaking though in that it was the first cartoon in which adults could enjoy without thinking about shipping their kids off to a Thailand oil rig.  It had a lot of adult orientated humor which was rare for cartoons at the time, except for when Bugs Bunny would impersonate Hitler in drag.  I don't think children would understand a message of, "Hitler is a woman".  The Flintstones is a classic and the most successful cartoon until The Simpsons crushed it by never knowing when to quit.

So I guess it makes sense to reboot it but, wait a minute, the show has been off the air for 45 years!  Who is asking for this?  Is there really a big demand for it?  Surely, the flood of e-mails and phone calls to Fox studios must have been so overwhelming they turned to Seth MacFarlane, a guy who is obsessed with The Flintstones, to save them from this nightmare.  They must consider themselves lucky to have a guy working with them who used to draw Fred Flintstone for fun.  What a coincidence!

The protesters are just, just everywhere.  How are you supposed to get inside?

MacFarlane is probably the only person who wants this.  If Fox actually cared what viewers want, they would have brought back Arrested Development* years ago.  There are more people requesting the return of Man Vs. Beast than a show that aired during John F. Kennedy's presidency.  There are more people who STARED in Who Wants to be a Superhero? than people who want to see The Flintstones bring stone age comedy into an era when a significant percentage of the population thinks the original show was a goddamn documentary.

*I know about the Hulu revival.  To that I say, I'll believe it when I see it.  We have been cockblocked by Arrested Development revival/movie news so much, I wouldn't be surprised if Fox is actually not my best friend and is sleeping with my girlfriend.  If Fox actually gets all the Bluths together and starts filming, I'll be cautiously optimistic and tell my girlfriend to get tested for STD's.

Since Fox apparently only cares about money and they know Seth MacFarlane brings in more money than the East India Trading Company, the question becomes, will the show be any good?

 "Cheers.  I made 8 million dollars just by sitting at this panel."

I don't have a lot to go off of but Seth MacFarlane had a hour and half long show that aired on Sundays called, The American Family:  Guys, Dads and Cleveland.  It was a show about a guy named Peter Griffin who harbors an alien that worked for the CIA until his dog Brian found out.  Peter also has a pet goldfish who wants to kill the mother of the family in order to rule the fishbowl and he has a baby boy named Stewie who is German.  Also, they are sometimes black.

Basically, what I'm saying is, The Flintstones will probably end up exactly like Family Guy, American Dad, and The Cleveland Show.  I wouldn't be surprised if Fred Flinstones pet dinosaur, Dino, got a speaking role.  He would probably enter a room by asking, "You down with OPD (Original Purple Dinosaur)?", to which Fred will reply, "Yeah you know me!"  Then Fred will say, "Purple dinosaurs remind me of that little kid show I used to watch," and then the scene will cut away to Barney the Dinosaur being a pedophile.  The joke won't make sense because Dino is not a pedophile but the joke will make the comparison anyway.  It will also bring up questions on why the family allows Dino to be around two small children.

"After the show, we can all meet up in my van for some candy."

I feel safe in saying the reboot will be just as good as Seth MacFarlanes other shows.  This one might even be a little different since the reboot can steal ideas from the original instead of doing what he normally does, which is just steal from The SimpsonsEither way, this show will get at least a few seasons since many of MacFarlanes fans would watch 30 minutes of a dog licking his balls if MacFarlanes name was attached to it.  The only show I watch of his is Family Guy and that's only if Futurama isn't on, so I'm not holding my breath in anticipation of his next cloned show.

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and I actually find Seth MacFarlane to be pretty funny.  Plus, this article is kind of pointless since he already rebooted "The Flintstones" three times already.

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Monday, November 28, 2011

A Solution for the Airport Body Scanner Machines

This post is written by guest blogger and all around stellar dude, Neal.  He's kind of like Prince with just the one name even though he is not actually Prince.  But, whoa, wouldn't that be awesome if he was! - JK-47

The supposed necessity of the TSA body scanners was one of the most hotly debated topics a year ago in America, and the issue is still important right now. Should we, or should we not, allow ourselves to have our whole body scanned while going through TSA security checkpoints at the airport. With issues of safety and privacy hanging in the balance, passions flared. People on both sides of the debate continue to butt heads, though mostly on cable news networks. Now, as the holiday travel season comes into full swing, I am reminded of the men and women across the country arguing and protesting in lines as they try to get to their planes. So let me now make the case that we should not be causing disturbances in the security lines, but instead we should make people disturbed throughout the process of the body scan itself.

I’m getting ahead of myself though. Before I get to my revolutionary idea, let me start off by taking the not-so-bold stance that people on both sides of the debate raise several good points, but they are still all complete assholes. On the one hand, you have people who seem to enjoy the thought that complete strangers are going to be taking pictures of their naked bodies and examining these photos closely in the name of national security. To these people I say, “Go home and start an amateur porn site from the confines of your basement, but only email me if you’re attractive. Or if you do really freaky stuff.”

I need to find more John Edwards/Cthulhu mash-up porn sites.

When asked (and we all know the local news stations flocked to airports to do the asking), the first point these passive sheep made is that they’re fine with the scans as long as if it is for the sake of safety. “Well, I like the added security because it makes me feel safer.” Cool. Except that this standpoint completely fucking overlooks the fact that these body scans DON’T make us safer. What gave someone the great idea for the scanners, I ask you? The Underwear Bomber douche bag, that’s what. What people have forgotten, I suppose, is that no one blew up during that terrorist plot. No one was hurt, and the moron who thought strapping explosives to his genitals was a good idea got caught. Hoo-goddamned-ray! And none of the attempts since then have worked either, and it has nothing to do with amazing body scanning technology. All of these terrorists have botched their own plans or have been outsmarted by watchful travelers and were apprehended.

Another point brought up in defense of the scanners is that the pictures aren’t kept and they’re deleted right after the security check is complete. Well hot damn if it wasn’t reported that the FBI is keeping many of these weird, grey, and splotchy naked pictures. I can hear you asking, “What’s wrong, Neal? Are you saying that this is a problem? Are you saying that everyone in the government is a pervert?” No, I’m not, but I AM saying that there are perverts everywhere, including the government, and I’d bet my house that one of them is giving themselves a handy right now while looking at those body scan pictures. So chew on that food for thought. Wait. No, you better not chew on that in any capacity. Bad taste there.

On the flip side of the argument are those on the left, many of which are also stupid, and some bat-shit insane. Most of them, however, are just lame and pathetic. So many of the protesters at the airports last year got to the gates, told some jerk-off with a news camera that the new security measures were “wrong,” then got back in line with everybody else to wait their turn at the blurry porn-o-palooza. That’s as bad as my buddy who gets beat and insulted by his girlfriend everyday and then can’t give me an answer about why he keeps going over to her apartment. What kind of bizarre passive denial bullshit is this? The more extreme protesters didn’t fare any better. Some of them pulled ridiculous stunts and got a little attention for their “message,” but the bottom line is that if they wanted to make their flight then they either had to shut the fuck up like good little boys and girls, or they got detained. And does it make any sense to speak out against people taking naked pictures of you in a way that ends with you getting a cavity search?

 Next Thanksgiving, you get to play the turkey.

So this year I present an idea for dealing with the body scanners that is both childishly entertaining and offensive enough to make TSA officials rethink all their major life decisions. So what am I talking about? What could I be suggesting that feels so wrong and yet so right at the same time? This: When you’re traveling this holiday season and you’re told to go through a body scanner, I want you to Pop A Boner For Freedom. Let’s change that old motto from “Don’t get mad, get even” to something fresh and exciting like “Don’t get mad, get aroused!”

Now I can tell that as you’re reading this you have a few questions. Namely, “How can Neal be such an idiot?” and “Why am I still reading this?” But all of those questions are stupid. The only thing that matters is that this is a real solution to a real problem. If you don’t want someone to look at a naked image of your body, the best thing to do is to seem like you’re REALLY into them looking at your naked body. I know it sounds counter-intuitive at first, but hear me out. You’ve got to get a little crazy, just like Seal told you in 1991. Think about it: if the thought of a government official staring at nude pictures of you gives you the creeps, the best way to make the TSA understand you is through the power of empathy. You must creep them-the-fuck-out right back. Popping A Boner For Freedom accomplishes this.

Let’s go over a few positives of the plan:
  1. Boners lead to stress-free travel. How do you get a boner? By thinking about the things you love most. Utilizing this type of positive thinking will make your whole travel experience relaxed and easy-going. You can thank me later when you find out that this cures your fear of flying. You’re welcome.
  2. It puts the power back in your position. Or at least it feels that way, which is good enough really. We’ve all met one or two of those TSA officials who act like they’ve got really big dicks. Well now is the perfect opportunity to show him you’ve got one… and take his breath away!
  3. Remember that Fed I mentioned earlier in the post who’s giving himself a handy right now? If you Pop A Boner For Freedom then you’ll ruin his mood. See, he’s into being a voyeur and if we all have boners then he’ll know that we know he’s watching. He’ll never get his rocks off again.
And please don’t write me off as sexist for the focus of this post. This call to arms (or other body parts) isn’t just for men. I want to see every woman out there with a boner! Uh, for freedom, I mean. Ladies are totally able to participate in this form of protest. Go out and get a strap-on to wear next time you fly. (Travel Tip: Don’t use one with metal parts, as this would be against the rules, but there are plenty of fully latex/leather/plastic models out there to choose from.) So come on, women! Appropriate that phallus! Make it your own. If anything, the female version of Popping A Boner For Freedom will be more effective because you’re way more likely to creep TSA out and make them never want to look at body scan images again.

As a final point, let me say that Popping A Boner For Freedom is really for people on all sides of the debate. Everyone should support this plan whether you’re a Reaganomics-loving redneck who gets turned on every time you hear the words “Patriot Act,” or if you’re some uber-leftist hipster excited about the irony in expressing your impotent rage by sporting a woody. It’s win-win. It has the power to bring everybody together! And isn’t that what boners are all about?

Disclaimer: This article is satirical. I know not all TSA officials are assholes. And plus, everybody already walks around with boners all the time anyway, so this plan is redundant.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Black Friday is the Worst Thing About Thanksgiving Weekend

It's easy to come up with reasons to not like Christmas part 1, or what many people know it as, Thanksgiving.  There is hanging out with family members you may not see very often and having to answer their questions about your life like you are interviewing for a Secret Service job.  There is that shitty cranberry sauce from a can that looks like gelatinous menstruation blood.   There is the Detroit Lions and Dallas Cowboy games that are always terrible and even with a good Lions team this year, will still probably end up 52-3 just to fuck with us.  And to top it all off, many people get to do Thanksgiving a second time in the same day when visiting the spouses family.  Once there, you get to try to make conversation about people you don't know and events you were not there for.  It's like inviting a co-worker in accounting over to discuss nuclear fusion.

 Look at all that Hydrogen.

That said, Thanksgiving isn't all that bad.  It is just an excuse to eat a lot of food for no real reason.  Sure, it's kind of related to a feast between Plymouth settlers and Native Americans but really?  Do we really want to go there?  Nobody actually sees the holiday in that sort of light, plus we probably don't want too since those white settlers gave thanks to the Native Americans with genocide.  And with Christopher Columbus day, there are two national holidays that honor Native American history about as well as smallpox did.

 Does not discriminate.  Unless you have built up immunities.  Then it does.

Native American atrocities aside, the worst part of Thanksgiving doesn't even take place on Thanksgiving.  It's the day after called Black Friday and it is possibly the worst day on the calender as far as our consumerist culture is concerned. 

The term Black Friday came from the massive headache the day gave retail workers who saw consumer driven masses try to kill each other over $20 DVD players that will break in January.  If it's not a DVD player, then it's a Tickle Me Elmo, a doll that liked inappropriate touching, or a Furby, which was a robotic, bird, demon, thing that would kill you in your sleep if it had legs.  Regardless, it's a day where people lose their fucking shit over cheap crap to convince their families that yes, they do indeed love them, but at a price.

  Elmo has the creepy advantage but Furby wants it more.

Businesses of course love Black Friday, so they changed the definition to mean the day when businesses move "into the black" on their ledgers.  That is horseshit.  Many people have heard the term Black Friday years before it meant that.  When have you ever heard of a day called Black Anything being positive?  Businesses realized they couldn't get rid of the name so they just changed the definition so that it didn't mean the day retail employees realized society is filled with mindless sheep.  If rape was a business term too, corporations would change the definition of that to mean the satisfaction of buying great products at low, low prices.  "Come get raped at Walmart!  Once you see our prices, you'll be asking for it!"

Black Friday is wretched because it shows how much corporations own you.  These deals exist to get people through the door.  That's it.  If you shop on Black Friday, you're a sucker and the reason advertisements work.  You are why every possible medium in existence is deemed a-okay to smother with ads.  You are why marketing is more important than making sure there isn't lead paint in baby toys.  For every person who complains about too many ads in society, there is 10 people willing to give businesses money for air because some commercial said it would give them sexual powers.

  So much business potential.  We need to bottle this shit.

A vast majority of Black Friday deals last until Christmas but businesses usually have a few deals available for that day only.  They are always limited to the first few customers and only a deranged imbecile who has ruined their day off by camping out in front of the store for the night has a chance to get the 25% off vacuum cleaner.  You are more likely to get an actual dying Nigerian prince's money from an e-mail scam then getting one of these deals.  And it's not like your getting Superman Vol.1 for a ridiculously cheap price either.  Instead, it's more like buying that issue of Superman were he teams up with Ronald McDonald to fight the hamburgler.  There is a reason that these one day only deals discount a product so much.  It's because the product is as worthless as a Beanie Baby.

What?  A small plush toy didn't accrue in value?  No way.

So if the one day only deals are impossible to get and the rest of the deals are available after Black Friday, why even go shopping on this day?  Getting up at 4:00am to fight traffic and lines seems like a terrible way to spend a day off.   But, of course, if you are one of those people who look forward to doing this, you have failed as a human being long before this.  Honestly, you are just a brainwashed idiot now.  If a business told Black Friday shoppers that they would give out a million dollars to the first 10 people to jump off a bridge, 200 people would jump and another 50 would be trampled to death running to the bridge. 

And that is the worst part about all this, somebody will die.  It's pretty much guaranteed because it happens every fucking year.  They get trampled, beaten, or some lunatic cuts in line with a gun because shopping on Black Friday is totally sane.  Surely, those obituaries left out the fact that these people died for a Blu-Ray player.  Talk about dying in vain.  Black Friday has a bigger body count than Hurricane Andrew. 


Black Friday needs to be destroyed just like many of these same businesses destroyed the Christmas bonus.  It's like a day long scientific experiment to see if society is brainwashed by corporations.  So far, the data looks affirmative.  And if you're a Black Friday shopper, you're just another lab rat running through a maze for some cheese.  Day off well spent!

Disclaimer:  I fucking hate Black Friday.  Have you noticed?

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Friday, November 18, 2011

Bring Back Ecto Cooler.

While "researching" the last blog post on awesome 90's kids shows that should be rebooted for adult audiences, I came across The Real Ghostbusters cartoon series.  The show only barely made it into the 90's, being cancelled in 1991, so I didn't think it was a very good candidate for that post.  Also, I just don't remember the show that well since it aired during a time in my life when my free time was spent guiding a blue hedgehog across a countryside littered with gold rings from a tragic Zales Jewelry Store explosion. In other words, busting ghosts would have to wait because Sonic has been underwater for a, oh god, the music has started.  Shit, shit, sshhhiiiiiiiiitttttttt.

You sadistic monster!

There is however one aspect of The Real Ghostbusters that I remember quite well and that's the promotional drink Ecto Cooler.  It was the perfect child fuel since it's ingredient list was basically, "sugar, water, and Uranium 238."  This concoction of soft drink bliss was a dietary staple from 1987-1997 and the drink itself, sans Slimer on the box, lasted until 2001. While I had outgrown the drink by then, a small part of me died when it was discontinued and I lowered my flag to half mast.  The flag of my childhood.  Godspeed future Robocop, godspeed.

"I don't know Bill, maybe we should add more colors to the box so kids will notice it."

The company responsible for my childhood drink is Minute Maid.  Ecto Cooler was part of their line of Hi-C drinks, which represents Helium Chloride, or more accurately, it's high Vitamin C content.  But Ecto Cooler was best known for being the physical representation of Slimer's semen and he wasn't known for eating a lot of fruit.  Vitamin C may have been at this party but it was never invited.  Drinking this drink for the health benefits is like drinking urine to replace your bodily supply of urine.  Ecto Cooler has the same health benefits as Kool Aid, and that has the same health benefits of mainlining diesel fuel.

It is probably the second most requested drink for a reboot behind only Crystal Pepsi but admittedly, for this drink to have a successful comeback it would need to rely heavily on sales from 20-something nerds and hipsters.  That should be enough of a demographic considering Mellow Yellow is still around.  The only time anybody ever drinks that is when there is no Mountain Dew or they have the self esteem of a head of cabbage.  If there is enough sales to keep Mellow Yellow around then why was Ecto Cooler discontinued in the first place?  There is no direct competition to Ecto Cooler so it's discontinuation must of had something to do with Bill Murray wanting it dead.  There was no Sierra Mist to Ecto's Sprite.  No Corona to Ecto's llama piss.  No Red Bull to Ecto's trash compactor runoff. 

Just look at the name.  What hipster wouldn't buy a drink called Ecto Cooler?  I've checked, and the only name for a drink cooler (pun intended) than that is Alpha Rad.  Plus the Ghostbusters theme?  Forget about it.  Greatest tie in ever.  The only way this drink could have been more successful is if it was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tie in and the drink was named Cowabunga Ninja Rap Ooze.  Minute Maid, not Apple, would be the richest corporation in the world thanks to CNRO.  It even makes for a nice acronym even though it's the same acronym as the Community Nursing Registry of Ottawa.

....what kind of registry?

But to truly appeal to hipsters, the question becomes, what kind of liquors mix well with it?  The need for an Ecto Cooler cocktail is a given, but it's practically a necessity for sales and making my pain go away.  The drink already looks like absinthe and gives the drinker a wave of sugary euphoria that only musical theater can beat, so something strong would be needed.  I think rum or whiskey might work, possibly even vodka or gin, but the true test would be tequila.  If tequila could somehow agree with something that isn't balls crushingly sour, I think a lot of stomach pumps would be sold since the alcohol would stay in peoples stomachs rather than ending up on bathroom floors, parking lots and angry spouses.  Tequila would have to change it's tagline from "You're Going to Vomit" to "You're Going to Kill Somebody"  Unless, of course, your like me and tequila convinces you clothing is for pussies.  With Ecto Cooler mixed in, I could be a wired, naked, drunk furiously bludgeoning your belongings with my dick for much longer periods of time.  Nothing better, or, worse for you, than an drunkard who doesn't pass out.

Even with it's amazing cocktail possibilities that exist in my head, it's not very likely we will see Ecto Cooler make a comeback.  If Pepsi won't bring back Crystal Pepsi then Ecto Cooler has a worse chance at a comeback than that retarded Orbitz drink that had floating balls of shit in it.  Yeah, that drink was a great idea.  If there is one thing I want a drink to be it's gritty.  If somebody put cigarettes out on my tongue, that would taste better than Orbitz.  The creators must have been sniffing glue since that would also explain the totally radical rAndOm CapiTaliZations in the drink flavors name.  These guys are as hip as Polio.

    This drink tastes like balls dude!

Ecto Cooler was a great idea though and at least The Chicago Ghostbusters has a recipe for Ecto Cooler which is supposedly spot on.  I would make some for myself but the last time I tried to do chemistry all the plants in a 5 mile radius died.  So, maybe Minute Maid should just make, like, a whole bunch and, like, sell it.  Do it for the plants Minute Maid.  Do it for me and do it for yourselves.  Seriously, do it for yourselves.  I could buy a gun you know.

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical in nature.  I am not actually threatening Minute Maid with a gun.  Not sure how you would do that anyway.  That's like bringing a gun to a lawsuit fight.

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Thursday, November 10, 2011

4 90's Reboots That Should Be Made (For Adults).

After writing a post about a great show that shouldn't come back, it got me thinking what kind of shows from the 90's that should.  Since I grew up in the 90's, the shows I remember the best are geared toward kids.  As much as I have fond memories of these shows, I don't think I would watch a modern version of them now, at least without a severe hangover.  However, these shows were good enough, and just weird enough, that adult versions wouldn't be out of the question.

Here is four shows from the 1990's that need a reboot for adults.

The Adventures of Pete and Pete

Nickelodeon is already bringing back it's golden age with re-runs of all of it's best 90's shows and this one is likely to be among them.  But damn, would it be nice for a reboot of this show to keep up with this style of unpredictable writing, non sequitur plots, unique characters, and clever jokes.  I can not say enough good things about Pete and Pete which is odd since I can nitpick a blowjob.  A reboot of this show would be more successful than Tiger Woods in a speed dating session.

This might be the quirkiest show ever made.  Seriously.  The younger Pete in this show inexplicably had a tattoo named Petunia on his forearm whom he can talk to.  The show never explained this but the audience didn't care.  For most shows, this would be a huge problem but not here.  It made sense that in this real world filtered through the thoughts of a kid, that this type of thing was possible.  What was real, and what wasn't, was not really addressed in the show and it didn't need to be.  It was as real as when I won the Super Bowl 589-0 in 1992 and that is the way we wanted it.

"It only worked...ONCE."

A reboot would have to be aimed at an older audience considering kids now might not like it.  Actually, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't.  It feels like kids today have the imagination of table salt.  This show was all about imagination from Artie, the Strongest Man....IN the World, to Monica, also known as the "Girl Scout of Death" because she kills pets with regularity.   She also supposedly has super hearing due to one of her ancestors marrying a bloodhound (I can't make this stuff up).  These types of things could easily be updated to two Pete's in their twenties.  Artie could now be the richest man in the world from selling shitty merchandise via e-mail scams, assuming he is not a sex offender instead, and Monica could become the Dr. Kevorkian of veterinarians.  The episodes practically write themselves.  Although, I wouldn't be looking forward to the episode where the younger Pete tries, but fails, to remove Petunia with a laser.  It only serves to piss her the fuck off and the dead bodies, so many dead bodies.  Don't listen to her Pete!

Legends of the Hidden Temple

Sticking with Nickelodeon for this entry.  There are many great game shows from the 90's on this network but is there anything better than a game show that drew inspiration from the opening scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark?

Needs a spike pit.

An adult version of this show would kick so much ass, the Pyramids of Giza would envy it. The temple would need to be larger to accommodate adults obviously and Olmec would probably be cut out of the show.  Oh, and they will have to make the temple guards punch resistant because it's bound to happen sneaking up on contestants.  Maybe give them tasers?  I don't know.  The quiz part of the show might have to be re-tooled since all it is is a fake story to give some background to the artifact you are sent to retrieve.  I don't see adults listening to a crappy story long enough to answer questions about it later.  I barely remember the Pete and Pete entry to this article.   

I could only imagine being on this show, grabbing the artifact, and failing to make it out of the temple before time expired.  "This belongs in a museum!", is what I would scream to the host.  They would eventually get tired of arguing with me and just let me take the thing.  Then I would be disappointed to find out that museums don't buy artifacts, especially fake ones.

Bill Nye the Science Guy

Okay, it's kind of a mystery to why this show got so popular but I think it has something to do with watching it in science class for most people. The thing is, I never did.  I saw it at home, like a nerd, sitting on the floor adjusting my pocket protector and screaming for my mom to hurry up with my goddamn chocolate milk.  Do what you will with that information Internet.  Do what you will.

Bill Nye is unlike any science show we have now.  It seems like most science shows today are based on sensationalist dangers like getting annihilated by a Gamma Ray burst from planet Klingon in the Et Tu Brute Galaxy, or it talks about dark matter/energy as if it was the result of a secret Nazi experiment.  Even when the shows cover something with more realism, they usually assume the viewer already has basic High School science down, which is a problem.  About half of the population still thinks Evolution means humans came from chimps, so yeah, I feel safe saying that assumption was made by a dentist.  Not a real scientist, nor doctor, if you know what I mean.

 I totally trust this.

A Bill Nye the Science Guy reboot for adults would dumb it down to a level most people could understand.  People would learn that earthquakes are caused by plate tectonics and not from Satan shooting bottle rockets.  They could learn that the seasons are caused by the tilt of the earth and that yes, it is snowing in Australia in July.  People might learn that rocks are really old and just as boring as they thought they were.  They might also learn why ice is so weird in that it floats in water and it's the only substance whose solid form is less dense than it's liquid form.  Hey, wait a minute, why does ice float in water?  Come on Bill Nye, science me up some sinking ice.


Yes, yes, fucking yes.  This show is prime for an adult reboot.  It could potentially be more insane than SuperJail!, a show about trying to see if by watching an episode, a viewer could forget their own name.  Animaniacs was already kind of a Looney Tunes reboot anyway so why not bring it back to the last generation that actually remembers the Looney Tunes?  Kids would probably watch it because they watch anything but teenagers only sort of know Looney Tunes as those cartoons who tried to beat Disney in the "who is more racist" category of Jeopardy.  Go the adult route and people will definitely watch Chicken Boo get a job as the CEO of Netflix with a pathetically bad disguise.

Is that Cheech Marin?

With a shift in format to adult orientated humor, this show could have a skit where Yakko and Wakko finally convince Hello Nurse to have a threesome, only to find out Dot video tapped it for extortion money. Pinky and the Brain could try to take over the world by stealing the worlds beer supply to hold for ransom, only Pinky screws it up by stealing non-alcoholic beer.  Slappy Squirrel could become a pathetic bar fly who constantly tries to tell people the completely false story of when she dated Humphrey Bogart or how she ended the Cold War with her gumption.  The Goodfeathers could still fight with each other all the time, only now the fight could end with a dead pigeon and hilarious hijinks ensue when they try to ditch the body by selling it to a Chinese restaurant.  Minerva "this boner is confusing me" Mink could easily be turned into a furry parody where she seduces some human dude, fucks him, then, of course, eats him.  An adult orientated Animaniacs has more creative potential than a SyFy original movie.

What am I supposed to do with this?

The idea of a totally adult orientated Animaniacs (the original did have jokes aimed at adults but they were always subtle and watered down, Minerva Mink notwithstanding) is so good I'm amazed nobody has ever pitched it. Or maybe it has been pitched and some dumbass TV executive dismissed the idea and renewed Tim and Eric: Intent to Suck Still Sucks, Fuck This Show, Shitty Job for 3 more seasons.  They wouldn't know a good idea even if it was pitched by a sexy ferret.

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical.  Even I would consider having sex with Minerva Mink.  Maybe.  If I was drunk.

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Monday, November 7, 2011

A Few New Laws

Every now and then, I like to check out the HBO show Real Time with Bill Maher.  While I may not be the biggest Bill Maher fan, I like his segment called "New Rules" in which he makes a quick observation about something and tells a joke about it.  It's effective comedy since it gets right to the point, which is something I don't do so well.  For example, I somehow feel the need to write multiple paragraphs explaining a TV show that most of the people reading it probably already know.  It's like I wrote that post as if my writing had whiskey dick and the orgasm was basically "MTV is stupid".  Worst cumshot ever!

So in an effort to get straight to the point, here is my homage to Bill Mahers New Rules.  And no.  This is not a total ripoff of an idea.  See, these are laws.  They are official!

They are in a book somewhere
New Law:  Any song that the public knows well because it is in a commercial, cannot become popular.  Songs in the Top 40 are shallow enough.  People don't need to like a song because it reminds them of that time they bought tires.

New Law:  Professional sports leagues can't have work stoppages anymore.  If they are hurting for money, than I'm a Bulgarian Lion Tamer.

New Law:  If you are in line at McDonalds or Taco Bell and take longer than one minute to order, you need be accompanied by somebody who is smarter than a baboon to make these decisions for you.  These menus have barely changed over 30 years.  How do you not know what they have?  And does it really matter what you order anyway?  By eating there, you have already told everyone around you that you hate yourself. 

New Law:  Any movie studio that uses the record skip sound effect whenever something supposedly funny happens in the trailer, has to come out and admit that their comedy will contain no good jokes.  The movie might as well have a laugh track.  If the audience needs to be reminded to laugh at a joke, it's probably not very good.  Although, if Hollywood decided to keep putting Kevin James in movies, they are going to need a lot more help telling the audience that the movie is a comedy and not actually torture. 

New Law:  Everyone has to stop giving a shit about the Kardashians.  Stupid people keep thinking one of them is Borat's mother.

New Law:  Somebody needs to invent a razor blade that never dulls.  If kitchen knives can do this, why not razors?  My face is not an onion.  Does Big Shave keep it under wraps so people are forced to keep buying new razors?  I'm not so sure.  These are companies that decided the best way to get the closest shave possible is to just keep throwing more blades onto the razor.  It's amazing that they stopped at only four.  "Three felt about right but four?  Now you've gone to far!"

What is this?  The Middle Ages?
New Law:  TV meteorologists need to come out and say, "We have no idea what we are doing."  The weather forecast for a recent snowstorm here was 4 to 18 inches.  That is not a prediction.  That is all of the predictions.

New Law:  Towing companies cannot own parking lots for the not so expressed reason of towing anybody who parks in them.  It's a parking lot absolutely nobody can use.  How is this legal?  That would be like the Catholic Church owning a condom company in which every condom they produce has a hole poked in it on purpose.

New Law:  People need to stop trying to break big bills at businesses where it's unlikely they can do so (convenience stores and fast food restaurants for example).  Those types of businesses purposely keep a small amount of money in their registers so they will be less attractive to robbers.  This is apparently a difficult concept for some people to grasp so they try to buy a $1.50 Big Gulp with a 100 dollar bill.  If it's their only method of payment, they will then stare at the person working there like it's their fault and hold up the line thinking the clerk will suddenly come clean by saying, "Just kidding, I can take a 100 dollar bill.  I lied to you a second ago just for the fuck of it."

New Law:  Tim Tebow must legally change his name to Football Jesus.

"Hey Quinn.  Have you heard about our lord and savior, me?"
New Law:  Restaurants have to stop charging extra for avocado.  First of all, that is a crime against humanity (and flavor!).  Secondly, they may go bad quickly after you cut them up but they would probably get used up faster if you didn't charge extra.  Actually, the only places that usually don't charge extra is sushi joints. Japan might be batshit insane but at some point during a brief moment of clarity, they realized avocado is too good to have an extra charge.  Then Japan returned to it's acid dreams and raised the prices on the used girl pantie vending machines.

New Law:  This.  Is.  The.  Shit!  This pen, designed by Sylvester Stallone of all people, must be reduced from the ludicrous $5,000 it is priced at now to something everybody can afford.  I know this law is a risk but come on, look at it.  LOOK AT IT!  (Make sure you have the sound on.  This pen makes angels cry).  Just taking the cap off this pen will summon an army of the damned to do your bidding.  Reading just three words written from this pen will cause your eyes to catch fire and for your soul to turn the darkest shade of black. When Dark Lord Cthulhu rises from the ocean to take over the world, the only thing he will fear, is Stallone's poetry written with this pen.

 Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and stupid.  All these laws passed unanimously, 1-0, so somebody with some authority should get on this.

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Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The Return of Beavis and Butthead Should Not Mean the Return of Daria.

I wouldn't exactly call Beavis and Butthead a voice of a generation, or a show that I even watched all that much, but it has certainly left a lasting impression.  It was arguably MTV's most popular show other than The Real World during the 1990's, an era that saw MTV shift away from it's music oriented programming to totally not scripted reality shows. But, while The Real World was the catalyst for MTV's programming change, it's Beavis and Butthead that solidified the change with dried semen in a sock.  Kids liked it because it reminded them of those two weird dudes who sat in the back of math class spending the entire period making fart noises and giggling.  Adults hated it because to them the show verified their beliefs that teenagers have the IQ of turkey gravy.  Adults also believed the show was corrupting America's youth more effectively than Marilyn Manson giving President Clinton a blow job could spark teenage goth orgies.

Obviously, all kids in America are going to buy a motorcycle and watch "Easy Rider."
The only reason Beavis and Butthead ended was because the shows creator, Mike Judge, got bored with the show and decided it had run out of dick puns.  He spent the following years creating a spin off show about rednecks or something called King of the Hill and created the awesomeness that is the movie Office Space which stuck it to the man harder in 90 minutes than a month of Occupy Wall Street drum circles.  However, it would be another spin off from Beavis and Butthead that Mike Judge had nothing to do with that would become easily the smartest written anything MTV has ever done.  That show was Daria and it is one of the best shows ever made.

 Although, she doesn't care what I think

Daria is a show about a high school girl named, well, Daria and her everyday life.  She is unlike your typical high school character as she is comfortable being who she is, intelligent without being a nerd, doesn't give a shit about her popularity, and dresses like she is going to a Smashing Pumpkins concert every day.  Somehow, MTV made a show about a high school girl who doesn't easily fit in any high school archetype, which is a risk Hollywood would never take since failure means cutting the cocaine budget.  (And for me to type that previous sentence, I had to slam a door shut on my hands to get them to write anything complementing MTV).  Daria is the type of girl I probably would have had a crush on but never would have acted upon since I would have thought I'd be rejected via her sarcastic wit.  I was never a Daria type of person in high school but I think the reason I enjoyed the show was because I wish I was.

I think everybody knew somebody, or was somebody, in the show because all of the secondary characters were high school archetypes.  There certainly was Daria's sister Quinn and her fashion, popularity, and rank obsessed friends in my high school.  They were the girls everybody wanted to date but couldn't unless you were up to date on the latest Seventeen magazine.  The show had the typical quarterback and cheerleader couple who constantly accused one of cheating on the other and were so stupid they probably thought having a diet with enough iron in it meant eating dimes.  There was the rock band led by Daria's crush for a few seasons, Trent, who was basically a music obsessed wash out that the show never confirmed did drugs but probably saw an actual Lucy in the sky with diamonds from time to time.  There was Daria's best friend Jane, who was the typical artist student but not depressed, surprisingly open, and probably became a suicide girl after high school.  And you can't forget Daria's parents, the business mom and the comedic foil dad, who helped give a little insight to Daria's off putting personality since her parents where about as grounded to high school reality as Scientology.  Plus, I think Daria's dad is the same dad in Malcolm in the Middle since they are practically the same character.

Unlike this comparison.  Totally different.

The show is very clever in that most episodes deal with typical situations in high school without it feeling like the fake, plastic, "like, oh my god" style high school treatment most media portrays it as.  It's not a soap opera about being the prom queen and it's not a gross out comedy about losing your virginity.  The show is exactly what MTV isn't and it makes me wonder how MTV had that moment of clarity where they realized Puff Daddy was not the answer to all of life's mysteries.  It's almost ironic that the network who most glamorizes high school life is also the one to air the show that most accurately portrayed it.

 Still waiting for the TV show that shows a classroom with no windows.

Daria did really well during its run.  It's arguably as popular as the roots of Daria's character, Beavis and Butthead.  However, Daria never had the pop culture influence that Beavis and Butthead did because it was just an exceedingly well written show.  Beavis and Butthead has almost no writing, was controversial, and kind of pointless.  MTV, of course, has decided to bring back Beavis and Butthead since they are the only two characters in the history of the network that is dumber than the networks viewership.  Daria, I fear, would be too smart for today's modern MTV audience who thinks getting pregnant at 16 might get them an endorsement deal and that the best way to get famous is to be a raging dickhead (men) or show your vagina to anybody with a camera (women).

Now that Beavis and Butthead is back, MTV must realize that bringing back Daria would be a terrible idea.  Don't get me wrong, I loved Daria, but a modernized version would look ridiculous regardless of the audience.  That show was so 90's, the characters could have played a game of Pogs with Kurt Cobain and it would have seemed completely normal.  They could have written an entire episode where the characters sit at a computer and just type famous Simpsons quotes in an AOL chatroom, and that would be an accurate description of my middle school self.  This show knew me better than I knew myself.  

Despite the subject matter of many Daria episodes holding up really well even today, a reboot would need to completely update the characters.  Would Daria even have a Facebook profile?  She doesn't seem like the type.  Would she be an Apple fangirl?  Too trendy.  Would Quinn star on 16 and pregnant?  Doubtful since she seemed to use her sexuality to get things, not actually fuck anybody.  Would Kevin, the quarterback on the show, be addicted to steroids and fly off the handle after anybody questioned his intelligence?  Probably and it would totally ruin his character.  Modernizing these characters would be as effective as a modern version of The Honeymooners and not having Jackie Gleason's character arrested for domestic violence.  It would work as well as making a new Rambo movie staring Bumblebee from Transformers.

  Now she lives in a box.  That's what 2011 kids do right?  Live in boxes?

On the other hand, Beavis and Butthead works because that series basically has not plot.  It really doesn't.  It's just a TV show about two morons doing moronic things.  However, in the new show, the characters mock MTV's own shows since mocking music videos would just be a constant reminder of how much MTV has treated it's roots like a dollar store blow up doll.  (Plus, this idea is so meta, MTV might become the first truly self aware network). I am not opposed to a Daria cameo in this show as long as it's just that, a cameo.  If she becomes a recurring character again I will...make some sort of sarcastic joke then move on.  That's what Daria would have done.  She's so smart.

Daria was a great show for that time in history.  I was at the right age for it and there is no way a modernized show could even come close.  The show was so good that by the end of it, I started to care about Quinn despite her being the antithesis to Daria.  It's rare to see a show grow a character so well that the audience actually cares about their story and it's not the main character.  That would be like creating a Super Mario Bros. movie where the audience cared about Luigi.  There is no way in hell MTV could possibly pull this off since the writing staff they would hire would be made up of three monkeys, an energy drink salesmen, and The Situation's illegitimate Filipino son.  Even if the writers were competent, the network execs would dumb it down.  The show can't be too smart otherwise the audience will get scared, angry, or possibly even realize MTV's other shows feels like watching a documentary on castration. 

So just leave Daria alone.  Its legacy is fine.  Although, it is too bad the legacy didn't include turning MTV into a good network.  Then maybe MTV would have realized The Real World was less real than an a scripted animated show.

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and opinionated.  A modern Daria would only work if MTV had nothing to do with it and also, it not being Daria.

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