Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The 6 Worst Blog Posts I Have Written in 2011

If 2011 was anything to me, it was the year I started blogging.  The entire year actually as I started blogging in January over at Flies on Congress, a blog that was a joint effort between a friend and myself.  After a few months in the spring of being the lone writer, I decided it was not appropriate for me to keep writing there if it was only going to be myself.  That blog was our baby whom we tag teamed like a video on Pornhub.  It had trouble walking after we were done with it.  Going solo only made me feel like a fluffer.

So in June of 2011, I started this blog with the same goal in mind, to write jokes about our culture.  Between the two blogs, I have written about pop culture, superhero movies, karaoke, the public perceptions of Colorado, virtual reality boning, and Santa Fe, NM because I went there once.  I even wrote an entire trilogy on TLC, a television channel I've never actually watched because I'm afraid doing so would turn me into a tampon.  Hopefully, the jokes I wrote were good enough because that is the main point, to laugh at all this crap.  Otherwise I just come across as some ranting, nitpicking, jerk.

Then again, maybe I am some ranting, nitpicking, jerk.  Who am I to say our culture is based on nothing but reactionary, mindless, flavor of the month, shit?  Maybe, just maybe, I am in the wrong.  Maybe I should just accept society and move on.  Maybe I need to pay a penance for a year of mocking everything that everybody else likes.

Here is the 6 worst blog posts I have ever written.

Here is some art leftover from what would have easily been my worst article ever.

 1.  Virtual Reality Sex (It Would Suck)

Right off the bat, I go for sex appeal.  It might not be the greatest topic for sex appeal, but if Geometry gives you a boner, than this blog post will do more for you than any Target catalog.

This is the first blog post where I thought I was finding my voice and actually writing something halfway decent.  It turns out, the post is as funny as Jeff Dunham without the racism and it's central thesis of "Demolition Man ruined virtual reality" is like saying "Star Wars ruined laser swords."  The connection just isn't there.

I come off snarky in this post.  Just look at this sentence.
"In the 1980’s and 90’s, as technology pushed onward full steam ahead, a future full of awesome Holodecks seemed possible."
No they fucking didn't!  Nobody thought that.  I made that shit up.  The only place that thought Holodecks were possible was the Discovery Channel and that dude I played Magic the Gathering with once.   

There is a silver lining in this post though.  I think I know where the first reference to Robot Hooker Party came from.
"Luckily, we have Japan’s booming sex robot market to fill the void of virtual sex."
Never mind the fact that the quote should read, "void FOR virtual sex", but the clairvoyance in that sentence is so cryptic, I think it came from that night I dreamed about robot hookers while sleeping with a Virtual Boy strapped to my head.  Maybe that's where the name of this blog originated.  Or at the very least, it would explain the crippling headache I had when I awoke that day and why I couldn't see the color red for three weeks.

 Black and red are totally the colors I associate with Tennis

 2.  4 Misconceptions About Colorado

Hard to tell what this post has to do about culture except for the public conceptions of Colorado.  I don't really take on the media or Hollywood's misconceptions either, just people who are not from here or have ever been here. That is a really big population to call out in a blog post.  I doubt some dude in China thinks about Colorado that often or ever.  Besides, Chinese people are probably too busy defending their farms from swarms of dragons.  Then they play chicken with tanks every Saturday.

For a state I never think about and have never been too for longer than half an hour on my way to Vegas, I sure do rip Arizona a lot in this post.
"It’s pretty dry here but not as dry as Arizona who is going to get a sexual harassment lawsuit if it won’t stop humping my states leg. Actually, I think Arizona is on ecstasy. The dry humping. Asking us for water. Naming their cities after mythological birds. Yeah. I’m on to you Arizona."
Not sure how a state, not the people in the state mind you, the actual state, can take drugs but Arizona somehow became an extra in the movie What Dreams Will Come in that quote.  I must have confused Arizona for the person playing heroin addict #4.   I do think that was Arizona standing in the background of that double sided dildo scene though. 

My favorite part though has to be the section of the post where I challenge everybody at lower altitudes to a drinking competition.
"One thing is true about the altitude though. It lowers your alcohol tolerance. I can drink anybody from sea level under the table. Anybody. The altitude also gives me superpowers where if I travel to sea level I can still out drink you due to me having to drink 750 drinks just to get a buzz. You can’t win sea dweller."
I'm pretty sure if anybody actually does challenge me, I'd lose.  I just have a feeling.  I can't drink like I used to.  Although, if a challenge does happen, I only have one request.  The challenge must be exactly like that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark complete with people gambling.  This way, I can bet on you to beat me!

 This round, we drink mojitos, then comes the Cosmo round.

3.  Why TLC is the Worst Channel on Television, Part 3

In the finale of my TLC trilogy, I talk about my least favorite subject of all, children.  In a strange twist of fate, fate being the ass leeches who run TLC, I am actually defending children in a "this is dangerously close to child porn" way.  Anybody who knows me knows that I don't share Playstation controllers with kids, I sneer back at kids who stare at me, and I'm not above telling a 6 year old that their mother is a whore.  But TLC?  Man, that channel makes me look like the patron saint of candy and toys.

Anyway, in this blog post I spend half of it talking about a show that nobody remembers.  TLC has done it's best to erase it from history like a Japanese school board concerning the years 1931 to 1945.  To be fair, the show Outrageous Kids Parties was like declaring war on sanity so maybe it's a good thing it's history is erased.

I still wonder what the parents in this show where thinking.
"It’s like these parents have decided to not be parents the rest of the year and spend all their time figuring out if they can sue Trojan for the broken condom."
That would explain where the parents got the money to throw these parties.  Trojan has deep, latex lined pockets.  Although, in that sentence, I make it sound like these parents resent their kids.  I don't think resentful parents throw those kinds of parties.  The parties resentful parents throw usually involve domestic abuse. 

As for the second show I talk about in this post?  Toddlers and Tiaras?  This quote pretty much sums it up.
"Don’t let down your mom kid! She has demons! Personal demons like the time Bobby dumped her for the girl who would put out! Mommy will show that slut who is prettier by parading around her pretty little girl."
I would make an apology for basically saying that the mothers in this show are trying to turn their daughters into sluts, they are doing that.  Exactly that.  Disturbingly that.

 Fans of the show no doubt.

4.  Bad Tippers With Worse Excuses

Never mind the fact that I haven't had a tip dependent job since I was 16 years old, this blog post feels out of place from my usual stuff.  That's because debates about tipping are easily some of the strangest that exist on the Internet.  It's not so much that the debates themselves are strange, it's that the debate exists in the first place.  Yet here I am, adding to this stupid debate with this blog post.

I have taken a side instead of mocking the debate itself, which really is just a bunch of cheap assholes trying to explain why their cheap asshole behavior is justified to people who depend on tips from cheap assholes.  Did they not think servers and bartenders are going to complain when they get shafted on a tip?  What did they expect?  The hot bartender to get their phone number so they can give the bartender a tip with their small dick?  Did they expect a free meal because food doesn't magically cook in 26 seconds?  Did they think their server will tell them that the mere presence of their company was so great, that they should just keep their money so they can buy more trucker hats?  If you are a cheap asshole, then people are going to call you a cheap asshole.  It can't get more straight forward.

That said, the bad tipping crowd tend to defend themselves anyway with the bad economy argument.  It's the most common argument so I thought tackling it first would help end this debate once and for all.
"You can’t afford the $5 tip but the $25 bill was just fine? If money is an issue, like this claim suggests, then the bigger amount should be more troubling. If you can’t afford the tip, why go to a place were tipping is standard? There are cheaper options available. That’s like buying a bottle of Grey Goose vodka and then complaining about the liquor tax."
Despite my flawless logic and razor sharp wit, that analogy isn't exactly right.  Liquor taxes go to the government to bribe all those people who know the truth about 9/11.  A tip goes to people serving you food, or as a bad tipper would say, it goes to some jackass who thought tomato goes on a BLT.

 Never again.

The worst excuse is probably the "I never get good service" excuse.  Right.  It couldn't possibly be your own fault.  Every restaurant you've ever been too is just terrible and has a vendetta against you.  I'm sure it's also your wife's fault she has those bruises that the cops keep questioning you about too.

This is what I wrote about these fine individuals.
"This customers standards are impossibly high on purpose so they don’t have to tip well, or at all. Any person who uses this argument is so full of shit I swear they just got untied from the back of a human centipede."
Oh yeah.  A Human Centipede reference.  This is either my worst joke because nobody got it or my best because it's kind of obscure.  It doesn't matter much though because if any bad tippers read this article, they probably didn't get it either since they thought choking down someone's shit was the best dining experience they ever had. 

5.  3OH!3 Sucks

If I ever wrote a blog post that won't hold up well after a year, it's this one.  The last time I heard a 3Oh!3 song was when I wrote this.  This band disappeared faster than my boner while watching the movie Sucker Punch.  Granted, they will probably re-emerge in two years with another terrible song about getting girls to sleep with them by claiming to be good friends with Justin Bieber, but I doubt they will ever be as popular as they were.  They can't have Ke$ha guest star on all their songs. 

Speaking of which, why the hell did Ke$ha even guest star on a song anyway?
"And as if one song about hating women wasn't enough, the band had to double down by releasing a song even worse called "My First Kiss", which featured Ke$ha for three lines and who has single-handedly set women's rights back to the Middle Ages."
She was barely in the song!  She walked into the studio, sang three lines, collected her paycheck, then went to go bang Mike Jaggor who works for Rolling Stone magazine.

"It's like, totally cool that a band has it's own magazine." 

It's probably a good thing I don't really blame Ke$ha for this song despite thinking that she is an absolutely wretched human being who would probably be turned down from a stripper job for smelling like a yak.  To be fair, she was probably not the one who came up with the most asinine song lyric since the Black Eyed Peas song My Humps had the profound lyrics of, "My lovely lady lumps, in the back and in the front."

Oh, is that where those are?  Sorry, I thought you were a hunchback. I guess Fergie and 3Oh!3 both feel the need to explain their metaphors.
"Then there is the, "Your kiss is like whiskey, it gets me drunk" line. Yeah, thanks for explaining that one to us. Either the band thought the audience didn't know the effects of whiskey, or the girl they are talking about is some sort of succubus who has whiskey for saliva."
They could have left out the " gets me drunk" part and I think the audience probably would have still grasped the concept of an intoxicating kiss.  Then again, here I am complaining about a band whose primary audience is probably 10 years old.  That's like complaining about a juice box.

6.  Bring Back Ecto Cooler!

This is probably the most selfish of my blog posts since I write about a discontinued drink from my childhood in which I'm curious if it could be a decent cocktail mixer.  Another drink from my childhood, Sunny D, is disgusting and the only way I would mix that with alcohol is if the drink was 99% booze.  Sunny D tastes like sour oranges and paper.  In that sense, Ecto Cooler has a much better chance of fulfilling this need to mix booze with childhood memories in order to erase said childhood memories.

The cultural impact of Ecto Cooler is tiny at best but the Ghostbusters are awesome.  It's cult following is huge.  Well, mostly the movies anyway because the TV show wasn't very good.
"There is however one aspect of The Real Ghostbusters that I remember quite well and that's the promotional drink Ecto Cooler.  It was the perfect child fuel since it's ingredient list was basically, "sugar, water, and Uranium 238."  This concoction of soft drink bliss was a dietary staple from 1987-1997 and the drink itself, sans Slimer on the box, lasted until 2001. While I had outgrown the drink by then, a small part of me died when it was discontinued and I lowered my flag to half mast.  The flag of my childhood.  Godspeed future Robocop, godspeed."
It is unfortunate to let everybody know the bad news but I have not grown up to be Robocop.   Also, I made a pretty big error here.  Ecto Cooler has Uranium 239, not 238.  Sorry for the mistake.

  The Ecto Cooler secret ingredient is closely guarded.

I think I'm just angry that an awesome promotional drink could have lasted this long, only to get discontinued like coffee flavored cola, or as I call it, death incarnate.  I guess it was inevitable but it still hurts.  There just isn't any better promotion from the 90's, except for maybe from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
"The only way this drink could have been more successful is if it was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tie in and the drink was named Cowabunga Ninja Rap Ooze.  Minute Maid, not Apple, would be the richest corporation in the world thanks to CNRO.  It even makes for a nice acronym even though it's the same acronym as the Community Nursing Registry of Ottawa."
Like that made up drink would still be around either.  TMNT has been re-booted so many times, I think the turtles only eat gluten-free pizza now.  I would probably be complaining about that drink being discontinued too while getting an ulcer checked by a nurse from Ottawa.  Yes, that nursing registry is a real thing.  Did you think I made it up?


So there you have it.  The six worst blog posts I have written in 2011.  I will be truly shocked if anybody read this far.  This is by far the longest thing I have written despite 1/3 of it being quoted material.  But since you have read this far, I will let you in on a little secret.  I lied about these being the worst.  I think these are actually my best.  It's like I just came up with this concept just to have a vessel to do a "best of 2011" list without it looking like me jerking off.  It's like, totally meta.  Whoa!  Internet jokes!

Disclaimer:  I apologize for nothing!

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