Saturday, February 25, 2012

Open Letter to Arvada Colorado

Dear government official or city of Arvada decorator if that is a thing somebody can be,

As an up standing, tax paying, ruggedly patriotic, Rooseveltian miracle worker of American dreams, I am concerned for the future of our community and the well being of our childreaaaa - HAHA hahaha.  I can't.  Oh shit.  Sorry.  I can't keep up this charade.  I am none of those things.  Well except for tax paying, that one is true since jail sucks.  I've never been on the board of directors to anything so I can't go to one of those fancy prisons with tennis courts, lobster dinners and Filipino personal slaves.  I'd end up going to one of those shankier prisons instead and be forced to join a gang whose philosophies are probably less than ideal.

If I was one of those attributes I listed above, I probably wouldn't even be writing this because this has no bearing on anything except making a town look ridiculous.  But since I like mocking stupid things like leaving Happy Holiday signs up on light posts in Olde Town Arvada until late February, I'm going to write about it and hey I just did.  There are Happy Holiday signs hanging up in Olde Town Arvada in late February, or what I like to call, almost March.  Februarch to be more specific.  And since they were probably put up around Thanksgiving, these signs have been hanging up a third of a year.  Ryan Phillippe's acting career didn't last that long.

I have but one purpose for this letter and just one question to ask of you.  Why are these signs still up?  The most obvious answer would be budget cuts, but this past Presidents Day, somebody put up American flags on those same light posts then took them down after the holiday.  However, the Happy Holiday signs were left up.  There is no way they could have missed them.  They would have been right in front of their faces.  It's like the worker or workers looked into a mirror, saw a dick drawn on their face with a Sharpie and concluded, "Yep.  I look good.  Off to my job interview!"  I am left to assume the signs are now meant to represent every holiday and the war on Christmas has taken a back seat to the war on Arbor Day. 

So maybe think about taking them down.  They make the city look lazy, or incompetent, or both.  Or if you decide to leave them up year round, remember that that they look ridiculous when they have snowflakes on them and it's the middle of July. 

Smart Ass Blogger

Disclaimer:  This is satirical.  I really don't care if the signs stay up since I've kind of turned it into a running joke on Twitter.  Your move Arvada!

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Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Pointless Gripe: Monday Holidays

I hate Monday holidays.  Every Monday holiday I've ever worked has filled me with so much rage that four dead dentists and twelve Listerine sours can't subdue the hatred I have developed for humanity.  It's almost as if a third day off makes people forget that they live in a civilized society and the Sun does not revolve around their genitals to make the nightmares go away.  Amon-Ra does not make nightmares go away.  He/It only makes them WORSE.

It doesn't even matter what Monday holiday it is, crazy shit happens and I'm the fucking dog catcher.  Labor day, Veterans day, Memorial day, Presidents day, and I assume Flag Day (whatever month that happens) are all semen encrusted turkey sandwiches.  They have all been terrible to me.

 Not sure what "Pink Monday" is but it's certainly more positive I think, maybe, what?

Labor Day

The hardest day I've ever worked, which is a true definition of irony.   My morning started with a phone call at 7:30am asking me, "Hey [name retracted], we are super busy so can you come in early?  Thanks."  I was scheduled in at 11:00 am at this bagel shop from Mordor I was working in.  I decided to let that phone call go to voice mail because those bitches can suck my left testicle, the public testicle.  The women I worked with at this time were like every woman that ever appeared in a Dolemite movie.  Subject to a "superior" man and they knew martial arts only when they are fighting white dudes like me.

Anyway, at 8:30am my phone rings again, but I let it go to voicemail again,  "Hey, uh, we could REALLY use you.  It's so busy, Danica is vomiting in the kitchen from some dude cursing her out about the amount of capers on his bagel with cream cheese and lox.  It's fucking thunderdome in here."  I once again decided to blow them off by sleeping and continuing to dream about mowing down zombies with a minigun.

9:00am rolls around and I am greeted with yet another phone call, this one I answer.

"What in the fucking fuck do you want?"  I ask politely.

"We are DYING.  Danica is fucking dead.  Erica is praying to Cthulhu hoping he will drown the Earth in a watery grave.  I hope you're happy you fucking asshole! - click -"

Despite thinking that, yes, I am happy, I decided to go in early at 10:00am only to find the bagel shop balls to the wall insane.  We were looking at 15 minute ticket times, customers who didn't understand toasting bread took longer than 3.4 seconds, customers who thought all the employees were snake people and the Navy Seals busting down the front door after hearing about a nuclear bomb in the Women's restroom.

The rest of the day was filled with me being a zombie who only reacted to cream cheese flavors.  I can't remember it too well but I remember a mother's screams after I ate her daughter.

 She would go nice with a 1997 Napa Valley Pinot Nior. 

Veterans Day

It's always super busy wherever I work and customers think it shouldn't be.  Why?  Because they are veterans of the "war that never existed" and they should get service faster than a high school slut getting pregnant on prom night.  It's like people think they are the only ones with the day off and food magically appears from Tinkerbell the college student, but she is too busy getting her mouse double clicked from Peter Pan the shift leader on the prep table.

I once had a person ask me, "Do you want me to get you fired?" on this day.  I responded by telling him, "Do you want me to register you as a sex offender?" as I held his credit card.  Not surprisingly, I never saw him again.

Memorial Day

Oh, how can I count the ways this day went wrong.  1.  An employee abruptly quit before even showing up for their 7:00am shift and leaving me shorthanded one dick emancipator.  2.  One customer got confused about which coffee was decaf and after being told it's the urn with a sign on it called "neighborhood DECAF," the customer told me I wasn't being helpful enough but I guess that I should understand that as he is a 75 year old illiterate fuck stick.  3. Another employee was stranded on the road from a flat tire due to fuck all.  I assume it was Karma's way of telling me that I really shouldn't have pissed in that preschoolers thermos.  4.  The restaurant was busy as balls and I'm pretty sure undead Danica gave birth to a lobster child in the walk-in. Damion, the name she game to the hellspawn, gave me a wicked cut on my hand from one of it's pincers.  Danica had some weird sex addictions.  Don't ask.

 "I really wish I didn't have to sign so much hentai."  via flickr.

Presidents Day

The most recent of holidays, let me explain the bullshit that just happened to me.
  • I had a customer ask for only "nice tomatoes" on her sandwich.  I put tomatoes I deemed "nice" on her sandwich, only to be reprimanded that those tomatoes, and I quote, "are not nice ENOUGH" for her sandwich.  I immediately put on the worst tomatoes I saw and explained to her that those ARE THE BEST tomatoes we have.  Truth?  They weren't.  Burn motherfucker burn!
  • I had another customer, after I was done making her sandwich, complain that I didn't put enough spinach on her sandwich because she was a witch whose dark powers can only be suppressed with iron rich leafy greens.  So after she already held her sandwich, wrapped ready to go, and only after resurrecting the souls of the dragon-blood children, did I put a shit ton of spinach on her sandwich when she was done being a cunt bag.  But, I put so much spinach on that thing you could maybe call a sandwich, that the first bite she takes will wreak havoc on her surroundings like a rapper making it rain.
  • I had yet another customer ask me what a fucking BLT was and I proceeded to beat the ever loving shit out of her.  Okay, the second half of that is not true, but the person asking me what a BLT is?  Absolutely true.  And...fucking's not the first time this has happened.  Who in the fucking hellish fucking cunt fucker does not know what is in a fucking BL-fucking-T?  It's like these customers are aliens.  And I'm talking about the E.T. variety, not the Mexican, "what the fuck is a Gordita?" variety.  Did they think BLT stood for Bacon-Lobotomizer-Tobacco?  I swear, the next person to ask me what a BLT is needs to be immediately examined for body snatching technology. 
  • After work, I saw some dude almost eat shit three times while riding some bizarre yellow tricycle without any handlebars.  It was like a unicycle but the other two wheels were behind the rider.  I wouldn't normally write about this except the person on the tricycle literally stopped traffic while completely failing to ride this machine in an intersection.  It was like the parade was in town but nobody told the tricycle guy where to go.  I almost wanted to buy a lion costume, put it on, then maul the dude just so he can feel like he belongs in this world.
 Flag Day

I was stunk by a bee on this day once.  Maybe.  I think


So there you have it.  I hate every Monday holiday ever.  I've also worked every Monday holiday ever.  I'm sure that is only a coincidence.

Disclaimer:  If any of my former customers read this, you are all terrible people and I hope you learn how to suck a cock without gagging on it.
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Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter? Hell yes!

Sometimes it feels like Hollywood doesn't take any risks anymore.  They like to stick with established franchises so that even if a movie sucks, they will still make some money because fans of the franchise will still see it.  The Transformers movies are a good example of this since those movies have made a ton of money despite having stories that amount to nothing more than "find the magic doo-hickey before the bad guys to win the world", action scenes that look like toys in a dryer catching on fire, military worship that makes recruitment ads look subtle, and the always sweating Shia LaBeouf running from so many robots that he has actually completed four marathons.  Hollywood thinks this is all better than taking a risk on something that might fail to make money because they are really hurting for money and Avatar ONLY made 12.8 Gajillion dollars. Obviously right?

But then, Hollywood reminds me that I'm a jaded asshole and takes a risk on something awesome.  They have made a pretty obscure comic book, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter into a movie.  And by the looks of the trailer, they are not treating it as a "Snakes on a Plane, this idea is retarded" kind of joke.  It looks like they are playing this straight and it's enough to excite my pants enough that my boner is visible from space. 

Great idea or greatest idea?

Don't get me wrong, this idea is ridiculous.  But it's ridiculous in the "ridiculously tit sauce" way since historical figures fighting monsters is awesome.  Hopefully, this movie is good and a financial success so we can see other historical figures fighting the good fight.  Can you imagine the possibilities?

Theodore Roosevelt:  Werewolf Wrestler
John F. Kennedy:  Harpy Lover
Ferdinand II:  Spanish Witch Inquisitor.
George Washington:  Crumpet Killer
Howard Taft:  Pie Devourer.  (Get it?  Cause he's fat!)
Louis XIV:  Headless Horseman Aficionado.  
Henry Ford:  Nazi Sympathizer (Wait...that ones true).

And I don't even care how or WHY Lincoln is hunting vampires because it doesn't matter.  Lincoln is going to kick your ass, and by kick, I mean stab, and by ass, I mean your vampire heart.  Lestat?  More like Ass-Hat.  Nosferatu?  More like Knows-Fart-You, am I right?  Dracula?  More like,  Drag-Poo...La?  I got nothing. 

Everyone should see this movie.  If Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is successful, it will give Hollywood reason to take on other risky movie ideas.  Or at the very least, people will finally know what really started the Civil War, slave blood (I assume).

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Wednesday, February 8, 2012

5 Products From Back to the Future Part 2 (Will We See Them by 2015?)

I may not admit it very often, but my favorite movie is Back to the Future.  I absolutely love this movie.  From, "Heavy?  There's that term again.  In the future, is something wrong with the Earths gravitational pull?" to incestuous pre-prom make out sessions that make me question every boner I've ever had, this movie is great entertainment,  Even the sequels, including the oft-maligned part 3 (the tone is still there but the style is admittedly gone) are very good.  Albeit, it is a little creepy knowing that several generations of McFlys and Tannons never moved away from Hill Valley.  Are they trapped there by a curse?  Maybe the modern name of the town is Silent Hill Valley.

It's Back to the Future Part 2 however that steers away from the past and predicts the distant future of 2015.  Well, "predicts" might not be the right word.  The right word is probably "crushes my dreams of" and also not just a word.  In 1985, 2015 was distant, but now?  Not so much.  This got me thinking, how likely are we to see the awesome inventions Back to the Future Part 2 promised us by 2015?

Well great Scott!  Thankfully for you, I have spent entirely far too much time thinking about this. Let me brake it down for you, unless you're chicken.

Recommended musical accompaniment for this article.

1.  Power Lacing Shoes

In the movie, Doc gives Marty some 2015 clothes so he won't look like he just came from an 80's party.  The clothes is originally too big for him but at the push of a button, everything tightens around him to fit.  Everything except for that hat which is less 2015 and more 1987 Beastie Boy. 

Awesomeness rating:  2 out of 10.

Self tightening clothes is awesome for the laziest among us but self tightening shoes is even lazier.  Granted, tying shoes takes about ten seconds of your time away from doing more productive things like learning to be a douchebag, which is exactly what people who wear Ugg slippers already learned, but tying shoes is among the most fundamental of activities.  It's one of the first lessons we are taught just like learning to not put your hand on the stove and running away from daddy's liquor cabinet that you just broke into before he forcefully slams your hand onto the stove.  It's like a two for one lesson.  Learn to tie your shoes to run faster.

Chances of Happening by 2015:  9 out of 10.

To some degree, they already exist.    But wait, there's more!  Actual power laces are in development and Nike is evil.  Surely, the shoes will probably be $10,000 a pair and only the three richest princes of Finland will buy them, but I'm happy they exist. 

2.  Self Tightening and Self Drying Jacket

In the same scene above, Marty is also given a jacket.  A little later in the movie, Marty acts like a matador and "ole's" Biff into a courthouse by jumping in a pool.  Afterward, he pushes a button on the jacket and it drys itself (the movie does not say if the shoes can do this, therefore I left that aspect out.  I am a dork).

Awesomeness Rating:  3 out of 10.

The jacket losses points with me because a self tightening jacket is as unnecessary as self tightening shoes, but it gains points for being self drying.  How often have you gone indoors after being out in the rain or snow and been mocked for having a wet jacket?  Never?  Wow.  You don't hang out in opium dens then because those junkies will flip their shit.  They will lick moisture off you because the opium has long ago fried their part of the brain that figures out how to get a glass of water.  With this jacket, you can go inside an opium den and not look like a giant drip water bottle for rats.

Chances of Happening by 2015: 5 out of 10.

Bamboo fabric (that....exists?) is pretty much the closest thing we have.  Well that and taking a hair dryer to your clothes.  Actually, that sounds like a fire hazard so don't do that.  Or do that!  I like to think of your junk on fire.

 Thank you digital traffic sign guy.  You made my day.

3.  The Hydrator

When Marty goes to future Marty's house (man, this must be confusing to anybody who hasn't seen this movie), they eat a pizza that is cooked in something called the Hydrator.   They put in what is basically a bite-sized pizza and in just three seconds, a piping hot large comes right out.  It is never explained how the machine works but I assume it shoots water at food because Hydrator sounds like the name of a super-soaker.  How they didn't end up with pizza soup is a mystery to me.

Awesomeness Rating:  5 out of 10.

This thing makes a microwave look like the fat kid in gym class running the mile.

Chances of Happening by 2015:  2 out of 10.

I'm feeling generous with that 2 rating only because dehydrated food is a thing.  From 1950 to 1990, people seemed to think that in the future we would eat nothing but astronaut food.  Equally ridiculous is the idea that we would all be living on the moon, which coincidentally, doesn't have a large supply of water.  People from the past didn't think this one through.

4.  Hoverboards

Now for the heavy hitters!  If you don't know what scene this is from then you clearly have no heart.  Yes, heart!  You would know you have one because when it first appears, you go into cardiac arrest over the sheer excitement of how radical 2015 will be.  The only time I've been more excited is when I took a gremlin to a waterpark for a midnight snack.  Shit got real campy and ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.  Are you thinking what I am thinking?  Gremlins.  On.  Hoverboards.  I've already started the screenplay.  It's titled, "Gremlins to the Future:  The Adventure of Gizmo McFly."

Now imagine Marty as a Gremlin over that water and hijinks will ensue. 

Awesomeness Rating:  10 out of 10.

Do I even need to explain?  It's a skateboard without wheels.  It hovers (but not on water unless you got POWER) and that is enough to make up for the fact that I would totally own a pink one if it was the only color they came in.  I would ride it to 7-Eleven to play the arcade games and harass the store clerk.  I would ride it to the local diner to share a chocolate shake with my sweetie.  I would ride it to the drive-in theater even though you're not supposed to because uh oh, that's not a car!  I would also ride it to many other things I'm sure are not out dated references in 2012, never mind 2015.

Chances of Happening by 2015:  0.1 out of 10. 

I'm going to level with you.  Despite hover technology pretty much existing, and peaking at silly balloon ride status, this dream is dead.   I'm SURE scientists are spending their time on more IMPORTANT things like, doing a study to find out soot and methane is bad for global warming, doing another study to find out performance enhancing drugs improves performance, doing yet another study to find out if bigger breasted servers and bartenders get better tips, and writing an essay about why I should stop being so sarcastic.

5.  Flying Cars

This one predates Back to the Future Part 2 as the Delorean flies off in the final scene of the first movie.  It leaves the viewer thinking, "Flying cars?!?! I want that more than I want my penis back from that hooker who cut it off!"  And why not?  Who doesn't want a flying car?

 Particularly this one but I don't think it can drive anymore, never mind fly.

Awesomeness Rating:  -1,000,000 out of 10

I don't want a flying car! For that matter, nor do I want anybody else to have one.  Traffic is bad enough as it is.  Now imagine the worst traffic jam you have ever seen only now the vehicles are capable of travelling vertically.  It would be like Lord of the Flies with IED's. The amount of fuel to get a car airborne would basically turn each car into a bomb.  One fender bender in a traffic jam would probably be enough to start a chain reaction of explosions with enough power to destroy 2,000 Decepticons.   

To make matters worse, every accident results in two collisions.  Where do you think two cars colliding in mid-air are going to go?  Anytime you take a step outside, a ton of flaming metal could come crashing down on your head, and no, I'm not talking about an all gay Slayer cover band.  The most accurate portrayal of a 2015 with flying cars would be the old Atari game Missile Command, and last time I checked, it's not easy to buy ground-to-air rockets.  This is the one time when the Middle East would be better suited to handle new technology.

Chance of Happening by 2015:  0 out of 10.

Finally some good news.  Now flying trains?  That would be...something. 

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical.  The awesomeness rating of this article is 2.5 hoverboards.  Or if you're bad at math, 12.5 self tightening shoes.  

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Thursday, February 2, 2012

3 Ways to Fix Our Battered Economy

Criminals run everything. That’s an undisputed fact. Like, 100% undisputed. And that’s why the American economy is sicker than I get the morning after Tequila Tuesdays at my neighborhood taco shop. They love me there. The owner always calls me “Gringo” and “Pendejo” which he says mean “Friend” and “Stellar Guy.” I love that place…

But back to the state of our current financial hell. We certainly seem to be up shit’s creek. And much of the world seems to be right there with us. Somewhat because of us, in fact. And then there are the countries that aren’t suffering so badly, but those aren’t great places to live anyway. Look at China, for example. The chief reason that their economy is doing so well is because they’re totally fine with cutting down every tree they have just so they can build one more factory, smog is their number one export, and they haven’t spent any money on fuel since they discovered that peasants and excess baby girls burn as efficiently as coal. There’s no way Americans would want to live like that. Plus, we don’t have that many extra babies.

What we need to do is focus on our own specific problems, analyze them in minute detail, and come up with sound fiscal plans. As it stands, though, identifying our problems is about as difficult as putting your whole fist in your mouth (i.e. fairly easy), but coming up with a plan is as difficult as getting your fist back out of your mouth (i.e. “Itth acgualllly wullly hawd”).

You can look at the situation that’s been going on with questionable business practices and how that translates to trading on the stock market. Everyone agrees that there is a problem related to corporations and Wall Street (slide that fist in the mouth…), but then half the analysts argue that we need more oversight and stricter regulations, whereas the other half of the analysts call for no oversight and complete de-regulation. Oh, look at that. Your fist is stuck in your mouth. Wow. It’s really jammed in there. And since we’re America, we slathered that fist with bacon grease thinking that would make it easier to pull out, and now… Hey! Hey, stop that America! Quit trying to eat your own fist! God damnit, America. How embarrassing.

The baby can get his fist in his mouth. Now you should try it to prove 
you're smarter than the baby.

But I, for one, can’t fix that problem with Wall Street and big business. I wish I could. I could have gone to business school, studied macroeconomics and the ever-changing dynamic global capitalistic market, but I didn’t. I studied English Literature and got an arts degree instead. Sorry mom and dad. Now I can dexterously discuss Proust and Shakespeare, I can provide an in-depth critique of postmodern texts, and I can even delve into… wait for it… gender studies. GASP! But I don’t have the necessary skills to talk about most of the economic problems we face right now that are all the rage in Washington debates. I briefly considered going back to school and earning a business degree in research for this post, but honestly, it takes me long enough to write one of these articles as it is, so I nixed that plan. Not to mention the fact that you’d have to be a complete fucking idiot to go back to school in this economic climate and incur more debt*. (*Note: this author just wasted TONS of money applying for grad school (Sorry mom and dad. Again))

No, I can’t help with those problems, but maybe I can still find my own ways to help with America’s economy. There are things we can all do, really, like saving our money, buying only practical items and not wasting our pay on frivolous purchases, making sound investments that help up-and-coming businesses grow, or eating healthy and exercising so we don’t spend all our money on doctors bills and shitty insurance plans that really don’t help us much anyway. But those are all common sense ideas. Anybody could come up with those. In fact, I’m sure 90% of Americans already do all that stuff. So our economy needs more than that. It needs some fresh ideas that no one’s thought of yet, and I just might be the man for the job.

1)   Get rid of the anti-smoking ads.
What used to be America’s best export? Not cars, not electronics, not steel. It was Cool. The best thing we gave the world was our Coolness. It started all the way back when the first travelers came across the Atlantic. They had the balls to sail uncharted waters in shitty weather and tell the kings and queens of their old countries, “Fuck you, I don’t need your shit anymore.” That’s the attitude of a teenager leaving their parents’ house to move in with some slutty boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s shortsighted and immature, but it worked out. This spirit continued with the badass pioneers and cowboys, which is when other countries really started to sit up and take notice of our crazy balls-to-the-walls method of doing things. We risked our lives to do shit that hadn’t been done before. Then some drunk hillbillies and blind black dudes got together and started a kind of music called Rock’n’Roll. There are countless other examples showcasing how absolutely Cool we were. It wasn’t perfect, by far, but Cool never is. That’s part of what makes it Cool though.

Somewhere along the way, we lost that. Now we have people on the left making us look like wussy babies, and people on the right making us look like cranky scared old fogeys. Now, when Americans feel that familiar impulse to be reckless, instead of plugging in an amp and playing a guitar chord so powerful it blows out our neighbors’ windows, we just Big-E-Size our fast food meals and get fat.

I was going to tag something scathing and political, but I got hungry and forgot.

We need to start smoking again. Everyone. Men. Women. Kids. Bring back the Marlboro Man and Joe Camel. Start airing commercials for filterless Lucky Strikes again. How cool was it that Obama used to smoke?!? We had a president that smoked. And then we lost that again. Well, kind of. I have a sneaking suspicion that Obama still smokes on occasion, just not in front of Michelle or his daughters, or any cameras. Think about it: you know in your heart that when they saw the footage of U.S. troops kill Osama Bin Laden, Barack and Joe Biden lit up two huge cigars, drank beers, and laughed their asses off all night until they both puked. My point is, if we get rid of the anti-smoking ads and get everyone smoking, then the rest of the world will start to think we’re Cool again. They’ll want to be like us just the way they used to. If they think America is badass, they will buy all of our other shit so they can emulate us to the max!

Residual Effects: With the anti-smoking ads gone, pro-smoking ads will return, along with other reckless, crazy, cool ads for other bullshit, and after all it’s really advertising that has always driven the American economy. Also, due to the abysmal health problems associated with smoking, we will pump all of our money into the healthcare and insurance industries which can become the new backbone of America’s financial growth.

2)  We need more Katy Perry music videos.
Hey, don’t get pissed at me for saying that. I hate her music more than most people. I hate her music more than your neighborhood pedophile hates it when you’re being an attentive parent. I’m just the messenger. This is the medicine, and you’ll just have to choke it down.

Why will this work? Because, sadly, there are enough people who like her music. Then, beyond the tendency of masses of people to like horrendous music, lays the phenomenon that when pop music stars are at their peak popularity, they attract the attention and energy of Every Other Pop Music Star In The Universe. Their popularity becomes a type of gravitational pull, drawing more and more trite music stars into their field of influence, regardless if those other “artists” are popular or not themselves. Eventually, the force becomes so intense that a MegaPopBlackHole forms, consuming MTV (all of them), entertainment/gossip shows, the radio, magazines, the internet, and iTunes. This is a phenomenon, called the Neal-Einstein Quantum Suckfest, in which the pop star’s crappiness is exponentially proportional to how massively popular they can become with the addition of more crappy stars. That’s a real law of theoretical physics, by the way. You could look it up, but you don’t have a physics textbook.

This SuckFest briefly formed after a rumor that Lady Gaga and Coldplay would get together for a Hamburger Helper commercial on the Opera Network.

Katy Perry is nearly at this level of super-stardom. Don’t get me wrong, I know she’s already huge and successful, but she’s not quite there. Let’s review her progression to the Quantum Suckfest. She apparently kissed a girl and apparently she liked it. That’s great. Annoyingly catchy song sure to piss off parents, make teenagers giggle, and then add to that the irony that she’s made ignorant homophobic comments in the past. Then she has some dumb and over-sexed song/video with Snoop Dogg in it for some reason. More pissed off parents, more giggling teenagers, and more pop culture paradoxes. Next, she marries Russell Brand (and is now probably divorcing him). Finally, we’re getting to the point where the pop gravitational forces are sucking so hard that I’m getting light-headed.

What we need now to push this mess over the edge is for Perry to come out with a song/video incorporating Rebecca Black and Justin Bieber. The song can be titled, “Saturday: the follow-up to ‘Friday’ because Saturday comes after Friday.” Timbaland can produce it, then Weezer can show up for some reason, and the video will have some of those “I Can Has Cheezburger” cats in it. The media will go nuts. The video will stream on the internet and play repeatedly on Fox News around the clock. Rumors of a Perry/Black/Bieber threesome will be so shocking and titillating that it will boost digital sales of the song, and the scandal will revive the printed newspaper. Finally, the porn industry will make countless movies of the “Saturday Threeway,” hiring so many “actors” that the unemployment rate will drop to negative numbers.

Residual Effects: Russell Brand gets jealous of all the attention his (ex-)wife is getting, so he continues to star in and ruin remakes of more classics like “Arthur” which keeps dumb people going to the theater. Or the world completely fucking ends.

3)  We need a tax on Douchebag Words.
Okay, so I already said that I didn’t have a solution to the complicated and troublesome relationship between corporations, the stock market, and government regulation, but this idea comes close. I know I’m not an analyst, so my idea can’t really rely on math and statistics. I can’t even use the knowledge of the past that a historian might utilize to predict and ultimately control the flow of future financial market trends. Rather, my idea has to do with holding our leaders accountable.

In the political arena you can see a lot of people standing on their soapboxes. I mean, what are they doing up there on boxes of soap anyway? And this is even worse now that it’s election season. Yet, for all the yelling, all the hot air, and all the finger pointing, these politicians have no real answers or substantial solutions. There's just a lot of that Fist In Mouth Disease going around. Like I mentioned earlier, half of them want stricter rules and the other half want looser rules. And maybe they want more soap too? I'm not sure, I'm still trying to figure that one out. Regardless, the people in government, and even the citizens of this country, are so evenly divided that neither side can out-vote the other. It’s a stalemate.

But what seem to be of agreement are the words. Both sides use the same tools, the same rhetoric, the same vocabulary. And it’s all god-damned fucking terrible! Each time I hear one of these sacks of shit say, “Main Street versus Wall Street,” it makes me vomit blood. Every single time one of these POLITICIANS on the election circuit tries to blame “those people in Washington” for the mess we’re in my testicles scrunch back up into my abdomen. This goes double for Obama since I actually kind of like that dude. But when he uses those same buzzwords to try to rally his political base, he sounds like a twat.

Oh Holy Shit Bile Just Shot Out Of My Eye Sockets!!!!

That’s why we need to institute a tax on Douchebag Words.

We keep arguing about taxes. Do we need to tax the rich, or the banks? Are there already too many taxes? Should there be a flat tax? Do we need the Estate Tax? Should the wealthy and privileged Americans pull more economic weight than people who don’t have any money? Stop asking these questions. I propose that instead of arguing about whether to tax the rich, we tax the politicians who make our mess stickier than the green-brown blob in my fridge.

Who runs for office? The wealthy. But not just any type of wealthy. They are the people who have so much excess money and time, and such an urge to tell other people how to act that they go into politics.  They make Lex Luthor look like an adorable kitten who donates millions of dollars to charity. Poor people can’t afford to run for office. And decent/sane people are afraid to do it because some opponent will come out with an attack ad claiming that the decent/sane person may have had sex with a dog while performing an abortion to fund lesbian Islamists from Mexico.

We don’t need to just tax the rich. We need to tax the Douchebag Words used by the people who happen to be rich, crazy, and full of bullshit enough to run for office. “Main St. vs. Wall St.” Oops, Douchebag Word Tax. “Our nation’s REAL values…” Oops, you just got Douchebag Word Taxed! “I think what America really needs…” Oh, you just cost yourself $400,000. Wait, you just made some speech in Iowa where you compared/contrasted the Tea Party in any way to Washington Fat Cats twenty-three times? Ah, I’m sorry, that will cost you a hundred bucks each.

The Douchebag Word Tax will force politicians to do something they haven’t had to do since long before the McCarthy Hearings: think before they speak. Before they regurgitate the same hack lines they think voters will respond to, they will have to check their wallets. The other bonus is that, unlike any of the current plans to fix the American economy, the Douchebag Word Tax has a legitimate chance of passing a popular vote.

Residual Effects: Rich douchebags go broke for talking out their asses, simultaneously paying off America’s absurd debt. Also: some goddamned peace and quiet for a change.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical. I have a PhD in Economics and in my expert opinion there is nothing that can save us from ourselves.
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