Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Is Indie Music Returning to the Pop Charts? Again?

2004 was a strange year when it came to pop music.  It was the year a bunch of indie bands like Modest Mouse, Postal Service, The Killers, Yeah Yeah Yeah's, Franz Ferdinand and a few others all sacrificed Jessica Simpson's few remaining brain cells to get hit songs in the top 100.  I like to call it the "Indie Spring" since it's the season for rebellion and because I am horribly insensitive to Muslims being confused for Arabs.

 "He was more rebellious when he had a beard." - Some random girl at a Modest Mouse concert.

During this time, indie was very much, not -indie for a while and it seemed like alternative rock might brake away from it's music snob, hipster niche that now hated these bands since cool kids liked them before they were popular.  These indie bands were going to be the "new grunge" and they would change the rules so that pop stars can't have a major hit just by screaming "Yyyyyeahyyyaaa" and "Uhhhhhooooo-kay" over and over again.

But, being naive about pop music is what I do, so of course this didn't happen.  Instead, all they really did was make rock music relevant enough for a 2005 where Green Day's American Idiot was so popular the album was appointed Prime Minister of France.  The problem is, the only thing indie about Green Day is it's vague reference to Earth Day.  The likelihood of the 2004 Indie Spring having any effect on Green Day's success is about as likely as a self proclaimed punk rock band thinking one of their albums would be perfect for a Broadway musical adaptation.  Right, because Phantom of the Opera was so punk, the orchestra styled their hair into liberty spikes.

   Moments before the 1st chair cellist is called to the stage.  Via Wikimedia Commons.

So it comes as somewhat of a surprise to me to find more indie rock-ish sounding songs in the top 100 right now.  Granted, these are mostly not bands that already had a dozen albums before having a big hit like Modest Mouse, whom all their new fans probably thought the band was just a side project for Danger Mouse.  No, most of these bands are brand new and can only be called indie in that some of them may claim to draw inspiration from Wilco.

One of these bands is Fun, who has that "We Are Young" song you've probably heard 472 times today and only once realized a band named themselves with an adjective.  Funny, but my Emo band titled "Sad" didn't do so well.  Actually, that's not funny.  That's just sad.  "Sad" is sad.  The first self aware band name since The Who before they got famous. 

Another indie sounding artist is Gotye with a song called "Somebody That I Used To Know".  That song features a female vocalist named Kimbra who also happens to be a Lion Queen.  Also, Gotye is naked in the songs video presumably because he was always pissed about his artist ex-girlfriend never wanting him to pose nude for a painting.

 "I refuse to paint his barbed penis."

Those two songs are #1 and #2 respectively (well, they were before they flipped spots), followed by two boy bands because that was a fad that needed to comeback, and of course, the Biebs. Yet, it's to early to argue that a second Indie Spring is underway.  The highest an actual indie band is is M83's song "Midnight City", a pretty awesome song that failed to realize MGMT and Passion Pit were popular two years ago.  Hopefully those obviously dangerous children in the song's video don't try to throw a squirrel at my crotch with their telekinesis because I just made fun of the band.  Hey, I like this song guys and I am soooo jealous about your mind powers that I would drink a glass of french fry grease from a New Jersey Jack-in-the-Box to have what you have.

These kids have such a bright future.  Like, killing 30 million people and declaring themselves gods. 

A second Indie Spring would be nice though.  For all the good that Lady Gaga has brought to pop music (yes, good.  I can appreciate her efforts to push pop music into weird, nightmare sex monster territory) it doesn't seem to have had a lasting effect.  Pop music went right back into it's usual "lets go to the club, drink, drink, drink, dance, dance, dance, boner, grind, grind, grind, slap, stabbed by boyfriend" routine.   Hopefully the standard has been raised by Adele but that requires talent.  Something woefully lacking when it's possible to get a hit song by claiming yes, it is hot in HER, taking off all my clothes sounds like a choice idea. 

The small but surprising indie trend is certainly worth paying attention too for the rest of the year.  I know another Nirvana is never going to come around and make pop music it's bitch, but at least a little variety in pop music would be nice.  It gets a little tiresome when you can put the radio on a pop station and hear 4 different Katy Perry songs in an hour.  Micheal Jackson didn't have that kind of overplay and he straight up thrilled all night.

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and hipsterish.  My musical tastes are better than yours.  Who do I like you ask?  Please, you haven't heard of them.  

Don't follow me on Twitter because it's not cool anymore.  You can be a poser and like the blog on Facebook.  Contact me at because e-mail is retro now so it's cool again. 

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

James Cameron's Titanic 3D Means Bad News for Film.

No!  Nnnno!  You stop that James Cameron!  You stop that right now!  I've always wanted you to come back from filming coral reefs, sunken ships, and looking for Godzilla, but now I fear all that ocean pressure has turned your brain into Gerber Organic Squash.

The first thing you do with your comeback is make Avatar, which is really just a story about blue cat people rebelling against technologically advanced villains with the help of one of the technologically advanced villains switching sides.  Weird, but I think you already made a movie with this story.  Actually, if you include Aliens, then you've made this story three times except in this one, the technologically advanced side was the heroes and the villains were slimy aliens with penises for heads.  Then you decided to not even hide making the same movie over again with a different movie by adding a gimmick to Titanic.  OOOOoooo.  Threeee Deeeee.  My migraine loves this. 

A propaganda film for Aspirin.

Thanks to you and Disney's 3D re-releases of Beauty and the Beast and The Lion King, every movie ever made is now rumored to get 3D re-releases as well.  Indiana Jones?  Hell yeah, when they open the Ark, the ghost Jews or The Moses Magnificent 7 or King David's Spirit Ninjas of Honorable Death or whatever will just pop off the screen.  Jurassic Park?  Sure since there isn't a lot of night shots that would be incomprehensible after the 3D conversion makes the picture even darker.  It's not like the movies most iconic scene takes place at night.  And in the rain.  And Jeff Goldblum.  Finding Nemo?  Those fish will, uh, whatever.  I don't care about this one.    

Do you see what you are doing James Cameron?  I've wasted all this time arguing against reboots, sequels, and Dr. Seuss movies more poorly executed than Osama Bin Laden's emergency escape plan, when I should have been watching you instead.  This TITANIC trend of 3D re-releases will surely increase after Titanic 3D absolutely SINKS Paramount's bank account under the weight of an  ICEBERG of money.  It's pretty much a guarantee.

So I give up James.  Do your worst. 

Hard to read but that kind of looks like Titanic 3D is in third place.  Those top two movies must really be killing it.

Well The Hunger Games is certainly killing it.  I never thought a movie about competitive eating would do so well.  I guess America really is THAT fat.   But, wait, is that?  Is that one of those American Pie movies?  The same franchise that single-handedly ruined and paradoxically sustained Eugene Levy's career?  The same franchise that had four straight to DVD spin-offs that people must have been buying because why else did they make four of them?  Yes James Cameron, Titanic 3D lost to a movie whose legacy includes popularizing the word "MILF".  Oh how the mighty have fallen. 

So maybe Hollywood won't take your lead on this for once and will think twice about doing these 3D re-releases.  Then again, the 25.6 million Titanic 3D already made is probably more than the cost of the 3D conversion so....shit.  I used to love you James Cameron.  Now I kind of hate you. 

Disclaimer:  I still love you James Cameron.  I can't quit you.

Follow my Twitter which is thankfully not in 3D.  Like the blog on Facebook so we can get together and run this Naked Mile thing I keep hearing about.  Contact me at if you are James Cameron.  

Thursday, April 12, 2012

4 Video Game Memes in Weird Places

The existence of memes confuses and angers me much like deep fried ice cream.  A just God would not allow these to exist, never mind be more popular than "Doily Bonanza" on the Public Access Channel.  Memes are so out of control, "Come at me bro!" and "Don't tase me bro!" should just fuck already.  They can name their kid Taser Broseph III and he will truly give mankind an answer to it's most important question, can that cat finally have his damn cheezburger?

 Via Fotopedia

Other than cats for some insane reason probably having to do with an insane cat lady, many memes are based on video games.  But unlike most other memes, these memes show up in weird places, sometimes leaving the internet entirely.

1.  "Do a Barrel Roll" - Google

This meme is from Starfox 64 and refers to your wingman Peppy Hare (cause, he's a rabbit...) ordering you to "do a barrel roll" to avoid enemy turret fire.  It's a throwaway line early in the game as a tutorial, yet people remember it because people don't like taking orders from the MAN!  Or, man-rabbit in this case.  Manibbit?  Never mind.

However, a barrel roll is solid advice, but I think a fighter pilot would have learned how to do a barrel roll before being thrown out into combat.  I guess it's the most lasting advice Peppy ever learned in Lylat academy because it's the only thing I remember about him thanks to the meme.  It's unlike your other wingmen like Falco, who I remember as being a dick with Iceman like inadequacies, and Slippy, who I remember as a moron who shouldn't pilot a big wheel, never mind a fighter jet.

Google decided this meme was awesome, so they decided to literally spin their website like the Wheel of Fortune for one rotation every time somebody searches for "Do a barrel roll".  Actually, the website spins after typing "Do a" because it's the first search that pops up.  I imagine the spinning would be awfully annoying to anybody trying to search "Do a wheelbarrow" or "Do a yeast infection go away by itself."  Not sure why these are popular searches, but I assume a significant amount of the population is getting yeast infections after fucking wheelbarrows.

 Ah yeah baby.  Via Fotopedia.

2.  The Konami Code - Many Websites

Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A.  This code, sometimes referred to as the Contra code because it was the only thing that made that game less masochistic than wearing a badger as underwear, made it's first appearance in the game Gradius.  It was put into that game because one of the programmers needed help to play through it, but he forgot to remove the code before the game was finalized.  Actually, that says something about the games Konami makes when the creators of the games can't even play them without wanting to punch a starving child.  When a cheat code changes a game's difficulty from "slightly more enjoyable than passing a kidney stone" too "hard as brain surgery", then maybe the game should be made a little easier.  

Without the code, nobody would have seen this action packed ending

The Konami Code has had such an enduring legacy and is so well known that just short of every website on the Internet has a use for it.  There are a ton of sites where if you type in the code on your keyboard, the site gives you a little joke or game or broadcasts your nightmares.  This site lets you play a keyboard version of Guitar Hero that is harder than Brazilian Calculus.  This site turns itself onto it's side because it thinks Google's Barrel Roll was awesome, but should have only made 25% of the trip.  This dudes site lets you download his music for free, which is awesome except for the fact that his music is free without the code too.  This site tells you the code...doesn'  Um, my, mind.  Ow.  OWWWW.

3.  Leeroy Jenkins - Jeopardy and The Daily Show

Not all video game memes come from a game's programming.  I think when it comes to World of Warcraft's roughly 5 dozen memes, it's from a gamer doing something incredibly stupid.  And in the case of Leeroy Jenkins, it's charging headlong into battle before the rest of his party is ready to go like Conan the Barbarian on PCP.

He was hence forth known as Leeroy, the Empty-Headed

Also, I know the video from which the meme started is staged, but it doesn't seem too unlikely that something like this has probably happened in reality.  Hell, I've seen drunk people try to fist fight an entire bar before and that seemed less likely to succeed than Leeroy taking on a room full of Pterodactyls.  At least, I think they are pterodactyls since this video has the same quality as a snuff film shot on a Yamaha VHS camcorder.  

I think it's amazing that this meme got as big as it did since WoW memes usually don't escape their own enclave located in 6 million mothers basements.  Leeroy Jenkins, on the other hand, was an answer on fucking College Jeopardy.  

Of course it was College Jeopardy.  Regular Jeopardy's snotty contestants would probably think the answer has something to do with JRR Tolkien.  They would think Leeroy Jenkins was Frodo's birth name or something, and Azeroth was Sauron's roommate who never did the dishes.  

Leeroy Jenkins also made an appearance on The Daily Show on March 12th, 2012.  Unfortunately, I can't embed the video of it because Viacom really, really hates Youtube.  I'm talking, like, a Catholic hates condoms.  Nonetheless, you can watch Leeroy storm a digital Republican Convention here. 

4.  "All Your Base Are Belong to Us" - Pretty much everywhere but most embarrassingly on a Chicago Fox News Station.

For a meme as old as this one, (it's first known Internet posting was in the year 2000), it sure is strange that it came from such an obscure game.  How is it, that the first hugely popular video game meme came from Zero Wing, a game for the Sega Mega Drive that was never released in America?  Did the Internet think poor grammar was really funny right before the Internet decided intentionally writing poor grammar for teh Lulz was 3p!(?  Did the Internet confuse it for a Lolcat because the phrase was said by a villain named "Cats"?  Is it because of racism?  It's because of racism isn't it?

 Nope.  Not Racist. Via Atom Smasher

Other than being the grand-daddy to video game memes, this may have also started Engrish memes.  The entire game is so poorly translated, trained code breakers think it's actually revealing the location of the real US Constitution.  I wouldn't have been surprised if the plot of the game revolves around a war being started due to the poor translation.  The villains weren't actually trying to threaten anybody.  They were just trying to ask for permission to "use your base" because the starship that "belongs to us" is in desperate need of refueling.

Regardless of why this became a meme in the first place, it jumped from the Internet onto billboards, T-shirts, busses, airplane towed signs, and nightmarish techno songs about the need to rid the earth of the human parasite that threatens the great Gaia.  But to truly take the crown as king of memes, a Chicago Fox News Affiliate actually did a story about it.  I guess it was the slowest news day of all time.

They sound so defeated. 

I know soft news isn't technically news but come on, wasn't there an elderly lady who found Jesus in her SpongeBob Mac and Cheese or something?  These newscasters don't have the slightest idea what they are talking about and they sound like tools. Well, they probably are tools but that's beside the point.  They are doing a news story on an Internet meme that got dangerously out of hand.  That's like doing a news story on Rick Astley being a threat to national security, there is no story here.

I'm glad the "All your base are belong to us" meme has faded away but just like all of these video game memes, it will reappear when you least expect it.  Like on your parents Facebook wall with a comment about how kids don't know English these days.  Speaking of which, I should probably stop with the grammar references before I stop doing it good.

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and I know the Konami code isn't really a meme in the traditional sense.  I left out any references to Pokemon video game memes because I can't tell which ones deal with the games and which ones deal with the TV show.  Also, Pokemon is stupid.

Follow me on Twitter to discuss video game soundtracks.  Like the blog on Facebook to discuss video game theory.  Contact me at to hopefully, finally, get some damn cake. 

Thursday, April 5, 2012

What the NCAA Championship Game Got Right/Wrong

I'm excited. It's Spring again, which means it's that time of year for growth, rebirth, sunnier days, and applying a complete lack of knowledge about the game of basketball and guessing in such a way that gets me a lot of points on the ESPN Bracket Challenge and manages to frustrate the hell out of my friend, Bryan. Why would Bryan possibly get frustrated? Because he knows things about sports – mystical, magical, statistical, statagical things about sports. He even has a bevy of knowledge about college sports, which is the upper echelon of esoteric sport knowledge. Having in-depth knowledge of college sports is how you really prove your mettle in the world of sports facts. Those who possess it are the types of men’s men who can predict the future of Sportsworld for years to come. Those who lack it are known by the aforementioned types as poseurs who can’t tell the difference between your Tim Tebows and your Peyton Mannings. I, dear readers, fall into this lowly and ignorant second camp.

Man, Peyton Manning looks like a douche. Via Flickr

When it came to be that time of year when March began feeling particularly Mad, Bryan’s annual email plopped into my inbox with the invitation I was so pleased to see. I read the message – nay, the challenge! – telling me to join in Bryan’s group for bracketing enthusiasts. So I got out my Ouija Board. That’s because I don’t know much about sports, absolutely nothing about professional basketball, and actually have negative knowledge on the topic of college “hoops.” That is to say, whenever I even attempt to think about college basketball in any analytical way for longer than five seconds, I start forgetting shit I know about other topics. So, when I prepare my Springtime Lunacy Bracket I use magic that involves animal blood to try to divine the outcome. That, and I like to pick the teams with the prettiest uniforms.

For all these reasons and more, I knew that Kentucky would be triumphant and take it all. Even so, I was compelled to watch the Championship Game this year (no, I don’t know why). What I found was a mixed bag. Plenty of things I liked and disliked pummeled my senses. But it wasn’t a complete shit show. Like I said, the uniforms were all very pretty. Anyway, what follows is a brief but accurate survey of what this year’s NCAA Championship Game got right, and what it got wrong.

WRONG!  Ah man. It's a ten minutes before the start of the game. We haven’t even gotten to tip off, but the loser can already be called: it's the American people since The Fray just raped the National Anthem. There were so many off-notes in their piss-poor guitar noodling. I mean, just god-awful dissonant strumming. And the timing of the melody was all off for the vocals. And what was up with their harmonizing? They sped up, they slowed down, they seemed like they nearly forgot a bit of the song but barely pulled it back together, then they sped up and slowed down again. I almost crapped myself that was so bad.

RIGHT! Somehow, the NCAA Championship Game is more popular than the NBA Championship Game. Whoa, hey! Don’t get too pissed at me for saying that, Guy Who Actually Pays Attention To Sports And Disagrees With Me. If anything, I’m more qualified to lob this claim than legitimate basketball fans because I don’t like or care about either championship game. I’m neutral and can make those judgment calls without the bias that comes with preferring one over the other when it comes to professional versus college ball.

No one really cares about the NBA because all the players are spoiled egomaniacs. And also because basketball is less entertaining than football. College basketball is different though because the players are young, but they haven’t been turned into greedy babies yet, so they still play hard. Either way, I love that they NCAA gets more attention than the NBA when it comes to playoffs exposure. They get a whole frickin month of high-profile coverage. We even get Youtube videos of the President filling out a bracket for the tournament. That, in itself, is a spectacle for America to watch. What the hell’s up with that?

You’re so plucky and popular, March Madness! All I can say is “You go, girlfriend!”

Less of a spoiled baby than anyone in the NBA. Via Altblogs

WRONG! The lack of finesse. Part of what makes sports compelling to fat and greasy people like myself is not only that these athletes can accomplish the physical feats they do, but that they also look good doing it. They are supposed to be majestic and graceful in their strength and tenacity.

Watching college basketball is like watching seventeen year olds having sex for the second time. Why “the second time” specifically, you ask? Because they clearly have an idea of what they’re supposed to be doing by this point, but it’s still all elbows and knobby knees bouncing off each other. They have some skills, a few decent techniques, and proven plays, but it’s still awkward as hell in the execution. And it hurts a little. Oh, and I guess you could insert some joke here about the low scoring.

RIGHT! This thing goes so fast. I mean, play lasted from 6:30 to 8:30 (that’s West Coast time, mother fuckers). Even with the annoying pregame hype-o-machine program they put on, this thing did not drag out the way many sports events do. If they can’t make it as fun to watch as football, at least it’s not drawn out as much.

RIGHT! Regular readers of my posts here at Robot Hooker Party (*crickets chirping*) will know that I’m obsessed with rhetoric and breaking down communication in pop culture, and one thing the NCAA Championship Game got right was the language. I love that basketball players/fans/announcers have not reduced the frequency with which they use the word “rim” or how many times they yell the phrase “going to the hole!” Despite the prevalence of the internet and no shortage of twats making jokes trying to prove they’re clever (uh…), basketball keeps using this language.

Oooh yeah, that's a nice hole. With a beautiful rim. Go to it. Via cehwiedel

You might think that this should count as a negative because it causes knuckleheads like me to giggle with childish immaturity, but trust me, it’s the best. Anytime I watch basketball there’s never a shortage of homoerotic dialogue occurring between the commentators. “Mmm, Charles Barkley, tell me more about the rim, please, I’m begging you.” This is just like the only reason I like NASCAR is because they talk about that driver, Dick Trickle. As long as we have that name in that sport, I swear I don’t even care about the fiery crashes.

Wrong! The squeaky sound! I know why this sound exists, okay. You’ve got feet and rubber coming into contact with well-polished wood (See! This sport is so gay-sexy-pants it’s amazing!), but whatever the cause that noise is totally not cool, guys. Isn’t this college? Make some physics nerd fix this problem immediately. These basketball giants need to threaten to haze every nerd they know until he/she submits to their athletic superiority and rids the world of the squeaky sound in this sport once and for all.

So there you have it, NCAA National Championship Committee. You have eleven months to solve these pressing issues and capitalize on your successes. I’m sure you’ll read this and take every word I have to say under serious advisement.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and stupid. On my bracket I had the Final Four listed as Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato, and Avocado State.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

4 Things I (We) Do When Drunk and Alone

We have all had one of those nights where we go out drinking with some friends, return home, and realize we want to drink more because it's only 8:30pm.  Or maybe we had a particularly rough day at work, so once we return home we crack open a beer to take the edge off but decide to try to drink the memory of the day away with 12 drinks instead.  Either way, being drunk and alone leads to some strange decisions.

 Like giving my cat beer.  Ha, he is so drunk....or maybe dead.

Here is four things I do when I'm drunk and alone, but I think some of you do these very same things.  

1.  Looking up one song on Youtube only to click on every other song ever made.

When I'm drunk, it's only a matter of time until I hear a song on some movie, TV show, or porn soundtrack that I have to listen to right now you just don't understand shut up.  So I go to Youtube to hear the song, and while listening, I notice one of those recommended links on the side seducing me.  So of course I click on it to listen to another song.  Then another.  Then another.  I grab another Coortussin (Coors light mixed with Robitussin cough syrup) then listen to another song.  Three hours later, I have somehow listened to Fleetwood Mac, Santigold, Gwar, The Dark Knight theme, Jay-Z, that one song by Katy Perry I like but won't tell anyone, Chumbawumba, various Final Fantasy themes, a lecture on 16th century England, and the Gin Blossoms.  Especially The Blossoms.  Cool kids just call them "The Blossoms".  Don't even front.

Gin?  Blossoms?  Is this some sort of flower martini?
If I were to make a mix of the songs I listened too during one of these nights, it would make for the worst mix of all time. Actually, I tend to ride 80's and 90's music pretty heavily during these drunken Youtube sessions so the mix might work just as long as I never get sick of Tears for Fears.  Who am I kidding?  I will NEVER get sick of Tears for Fears.  But since when did I like Fiona Apple?  Oh and Eve6?  I feel you bro, I feel you.  Here's to the night Eve6.  Cheers.

2.  Attempt to cook breakfast.

Not sure why somebody a long, long time ago decided breakfast was the meal for drunken shenanigans at 2:00am, but whoever it was deserves a fucking accommodation.  Greasy breakfast just goes so well with 40's of Evil Eye.  Go to any 24-hour diner around last call on a weekend and you will see more drunks and servers who hate their job than in any bar.  It's funny, but I've never really thought about the type of cook who works this job, at these hours, while every patron is drunk.  I'm pretty sure the dudes working in these kitchens are former KGB, real life Danny Trejo's from Machete, or sex offenders who can't get any other job.  Oh, good.  The hands that made my eggs also touched children inappropriately.

Uh, anyway, when I'm alone I don't have the luxury to go to a diner at 2am unless I want to look like a weirdo.  So instead I decide to put my poor culinary skills to the test and make breakfast myself.  I haven't burned any buildings down but I have burned plenty of bacon that I still ate anyway and overcooked eggs to the point of having a plastic like texture.  Well I may have just put plastic wrap on the pan because that seemed like a good way to keep the eggs from sticking but hey, I'm not a foodologist.  My drunken mind probably considered it a good alternative after failing to find butter in the medicine cabinet.

 I don't know.  I still think I need one more pot to make scrambled eggs.

3.  Attempt to play Madden.

When I'm drunk and get a craving for virtual football, I dust off the old Madden 07 game and throw it into the old PS2.  The game barely works anymore despite me only using the game disk as a beer coaster 16, maybe 17 times.  The TE cross bootleg play is money in every situation and it's something, I think, the game knows too well.  It's like the game disk is actively trying to scratch itself on a precise spot so the play will never work anymore.  In other words, the game is fucking cheating.

 I don't remember "teleport" as a play.  Via Sigma.

When I'm drunk though, even money plays become nearly impossible to pull off.  My delayed reaction time results in running plays where I run directly into a linebacker, passing plays where I'm throwing into triple coverage, and defensive plays where I'm diving into thin air at a location where the ball carrier was 3 seconds ago.  Play-calling becomes an issue too as all the plays start to look as if algebra and trigonometry had blurry, confusing children.  I start thinking the buttons on my controller start switching places after failing to complete a pass in the first half of a game, so I decide to cheat the cheater by turning up my players catching ability to 100 as well as my quarterback's accuracy to 100.  Then, of course, the game becomes boring because there is no challenge.  Well, at least until my drunken mind shanks the game winning field goal.   I've never seen a video game camera have to pan left to follow a kick on a field goal before, but I think the game just wanted to mock me by show the fan sitting in the first row by the 20 yard line getting a souvenir. 

4.  Watch a movie I have no business watching in a drunken state of mind. 

I don't know how many times I've stumbled across Mulholland Drive or 200 Cigarettes or My Little Pony: The Movie drunk and decided to watch the entire thing despite being really confused, about, everything really.  Strange thoughts pop into my head while watching these.  "I thought Naomi Watts was dead.  Who are these people and why did they let Courtney Love out of her cage?.  Hydia is pretty but Reeka is the pony I want to have adventures with."

 Pretty girl, I'm a, uh - I mean, you're a pretty girl.  Via Elfwood.

The absolute worst idea is watching a movie that makes me, for lack of a better term, emotional.  I may have, more than once, cried into a glass of Zero-English (Pepsi Zero mixed with Olde English malt liquor) because the robot in The Iron Giant just sacrificed himself to save the very people who tried to kill him.  Why does it have to be like that?  There is nothing wrong with a robot loving a little boy.  Okay, well, that sounded wrong.  I'm not...I'm not writing this right.  You see, the robot becomes friends with a little boy named Hogarth.   Yeah, that's seriously his name.  But when the Iron Giant calls Hogarth his friend, I mean, it's just so touching.  And the Iron Giant is voiced by, Vin Diesel?  Holy shit.  I guess that explains why my tears are, fast and furious.

You know what, screw you guys!  The Iron Giant survived (kinda) anyway.  Surely the thousands of Iron Giant pieces blown across thousands of miles of Earth in every imaginable direction will recollect so that he can visit his friend Hogarth within his lifetime.  Surely.

Disclaimer:  I'm just messing around.  I don't actually do any of this.  Ha ha.  Heh.  Ehhhhh.  

Nervous laughter aside, follow me on Twitter.  Like ponies on Facebook.  Cry with me about robots at 
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