Tuesday, April 17, 2012

James Cameron's Titanic 3D Means Bad News for Film.

No!  Nnnno!  You stop that James Cameron!  You stop that right now!  I've always wanted you to come back from filming coral reefs, sunken ships, and looking for Godzilla, but now I fear all that ocean pressure has turned your brain into Gerber Organic Squash.

The first thing you do with your comeback is make Avatar, which is really just a story about blue cat people rebelling against technologically advanced villains with the help of one of the technologically advanced villains switching sides.  Weird, but I think you already made a movie with this story.  Actually, if you include Aliens, then you've made this story three times except in this one, the technologically advanced side was the heroes and the villains were slimy aliens with penises for heads.  Then you decided to not even hide making the same movie over again with a different movie by adding a gimmick to Titanic.  OOOOoooo.  Threeee Deeeee.  My migraine loves this. 

A propaganda film for Aspirin.

Thanks to you and Disney's 3D re-releases of Beauty and the Beast and The Lion King, every movie ever made is now rumored to get 3D re-releases as well.  Indiana Jones?  Hell yeah, when they open the Ark, the ghost Jews or The Moses Magnificent 7 or King David's Spirit Ninjas of Honorable Death or whatever will just pop off the screen.  Jurassic Park?  Sure since there isn't a lot of night shots that would be incomprehensible after the 3D conversion makes the picture even darker.  It's not like the movies most iconic scene takes place at night.  And in the rain.  And Jeff Goldblum.  Finding Nemo?  Those fish will, uh, whatever.  I don't care about this one.    

Do you see what you are doing James Cameron?  I've wasted all this time arguing against reboots, sequels, and Dr. Seuss movies more poorly executed than Osama Bin Laden's emergency escape plan, when I should have been watching you instead.  This TITANIC trend of 3D re-releases will surely increase after Titanic 3D absolutely SINKS Paramount's bank account under the weight of an  ICEBERG of money.  It's pretty much a guarantee.

So I give up James.  Do your worst. 

Hard to read but that kind of looks like Titanic 3D is in third place.  Those top two movies must really be killing it.

Well The Hunger Games is certainly killing it.  I never thought a movie about competitive eating would do so well.  I guess America really is THAT fat.   But, wait, is that?  Is that one of those American Pie movies?  The same franchise that single-handedly ruined and paradoxically sustained Eugene Levy's career?  The same franchise that had four straight to DVD spin-offs that people must have been buying because why else did they make four of them?  Yes James Cameron, Titanic 3D lost to a movie whose legacy includes popularizing the word "MILF".  Oh how the mighty have fallen. 

So maybe Hollywood won't take your lead on this for once and will think twice about doing these 3D re-releases.  Then again, the 25.6 million Titanic 3D already made is probably more than the cost of the 3D conversion so....shit.  I used to love you James Cameron.  Now I kind of hate you. 

Disclaimer:  I still love you James Cameron.  I can't quit you.

Follow my Twitter which is thankfully not in 3D.  Like the blog on Facebook so we can get together and run this Naked Mile thing I keep hearing about.  Contact me at robothookerparty@comcast.net if you are James Cameron.  

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