Why Are There No New Popular Superheroes?

Why aren't there any newer superheroes to reach the same level of popularity as Batman, Spider-Man, etc.?  The Avengers and The Dark Knight Rises are undoubtedly the two most popular movies of this summer despite having to compete against movies featuring Rihanna on a Battleship and magic rapist teddy bears.  There was also The Amazing Spider-Man, which everybody kind of forgot about because it rebooted a franchise that only finished it's trilogy yesterday (source needed).  All of these superhero movies feature superheroes created decades ago and whose ages can only be accurately described in Geologic time.

An era when wearing your underwear on the outside seemed like a good idea.

If they aged in real time, these superheroes would be spending most of their time fighting the kids on their lawns.  The Avengers (1963) and Spider-man (1962) could have stopped Jonestown from happening while freaking Batman (1939) may have been drafted to fight in the Korean War.  Sure, the people at Jonestown may have still been killed by The Hulk getting really angry over a bee sting rather than poisoned Kool-Aid, and sure, North Korea may have tried to create a superhero named Ratman due to a poor translation to counter Batman and the conflict could have still ended in a stalemate, but you know what I mean.  It just seems odd that older superheroes are still popular and newer, hipper superheroes have failed to take the spotlight.  That only happens in every other form of media ever created.

There would be a lot more statues of Batman hugging Koreans I can tell you that.  Via Flickr.

It's not that people don't like newer superheroes, it's just that they are not nearly as popular.  Spawn (1992) had a movie in 1997 but that was worse than sitting on a railroad spike and featured Spawn doing a lot of things that didn't include killing demons.  (And it featured some of the worst CGI outside of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus).  Spawn also had a dull as drywall cartoon on HBO that also didn't feature Spawn killing demons.  Huh, It's like these producers didn't know anything about Spawn.  That's weird.

Hey.  Remember The Phantom movie in 1996 starring Billy Zane?  Of course you don't.  Nobody does. The only thing anybody remembers about that movie is the skin tight purple leotard Zane wore that somehow created a crotch bulge with it's own zip code.  Oh and he had like a Green Lantern ring that I don't think did anything. The Phantom is mostly just a Batman rip-off anyway since he's like a ghost and stuff and fear and okay....I don't really know much about him.  But I do know that purple is probably not the best choice for a superhero to look dark and scary.  It's a much better color to make him look like a clown or a Teletubby.

"Slam Evil"?  Was this movie written by a WWE producer?

Not every newer superhero has shitty movies though.  Hellboy (1993) has two good movies, and supposedly a third in development, but it admittedly feels like a fluke or Ron Pearlman owing somebody a lot of money.  Guillermo Del Toro can make anything look good though and anybody who has seen Pan's Labryinth knows that.  (Seriously go see that movie if you haven't.  It's awesome.  Cheek knifing!).   I guess Watchmen sort of counts, the comic being created in the 80's, and that movie is arguably good despite being confusing as Maj Jong.  That movie seems to be hurt more by it not reaching it's impossible expectations more than anything else.  "What do you mean it's not the greatest movie of all time?  The best comic of all time requires it!  Alan Moore is a god!  A...crazy god who just does porn comics now but a god nonetheless!"*

*Though he is not nearly as crazy or outright idiotic as Frank Miller is now.  I swear Miller spent the last 10 years drinking paint thinner and eating lead based Chinese knockoff Legos.  But who am I to complain about Miller?  I mean, am I dense?  Am I retarded or something?  Who the hell do I think he is?  He's the goddamn Batman....er, Frank Miller.  He's the goddamn Frank Miller.

Is...Is that a mummy with a bowie knife?

The most likely explanation for the lack of new superheroes getting popular is the decline of comic books as a major media form.  Actually reading comics is a lot more niche now and can really only brag about being more popular than ham radio enthusiasts.  Think Comic-Con is too crowded?  Just go to the comic book section, the least important part of Comic-Con.  You might actually see the ghost of Frank Miller's sanity hiding in one of those booths.

1930's Batman had to compete mostly with books, newspapers, radio, and costumed lunatics on the street claiming to be actual bat men.  There were movies then too of course, talkies were less than a decade old, but they required a trip to the theater.  Today, comics have to compete with seemingly 15,000 forms of entertainment, all of which are on the Internet and a lot of it is free.  Why pay for a real Batman comic when you can read some weirdo's web comic featuring a guy who looks suspiciously like Batman sodomizing a clearly underage Japanese Supergirl?   No wonder comics have to resort to publicity stunts like making the Green Lantern gay.  Well, not THE Green Lantern, which would be newsworthy and noble, but one of the dozen alternate reality Green Lanterns because DC is ran by cowards.

Not sure which Green Lantern this is.  I assume it's the turtleneck existentialist version.  Via Smugmug.

I doubt a new comic book superhero will ever get as popular as Batman, Spider-Man, and The Avengers, but what about a new superhero from TV or an original film?  Maybe they tried that with Hancock, but he was just a drunk, asshole Superman.  So, basically the angsty Earth One Superman.  The TV show Heroes also tried that until they had so many alternate time lines from their moronic time travel plot device that even a 1.21 gigawatt defibrillator couldn't keep it alive.  Also, the show created a hero whose power is ALL THE POWERS.  He's essentially God, but he doesn't know if he wants to help anybody because he has emotions and stuff.  So, basically the angsty Earth One Superman again.

[An aside - I guess you could make the argument that the Jedi's from Star Wars are basically superheroes and supervillains since they have super powers, but it's too removed from the real world.  You know, with it literally taking place on fake worlds.  And what kind of superhero name is Luke Skywalker?  I never once saw him walking on the sky!  I did see Darth Vader vade some darths though.]

As older movies, music, and TV are slowly forgotten to make room for new properties, old superheroes just keep plugging along with new adaptations.  They are practically the benchmark for the reboot and remake trend in pop culture.  And I like these old superheroes, but I wouldn't mind seeing a new one get a big budget movie.  Where the superhero is going to come from, I have no clue.  Maybe my idea for Dr. Laser JumpKick-Man will take off......


Disclaimer:  I don't know how to end blog posts.

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Rush Limbaugh Thinks The Dark Knight Rises is Promoting Obama

Sentient bag of mayonnaise and radio talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, thinks the villain in The Dark Knight Rises is named Bane to brainwash people into voting for Obama because it will remind people about Mitt Romney's time running Bain Capital.  Limbaugh said this on his radio program yesterday to his legion of fans from real 'Murica (fuck yeah). That happens to be the same time the company closed a bunch of factories and shipped jobs overseas while Romney simultaneously became even more filthy stinking rich while maniacally laughing over blueprints for his weather machine.

 "Mitt Romney is my homeboy".  Via Fotopedia.

I don't know Rush, that seems like a stretch.  Then again, maybe Obama knew this was going to happen in 1993 when the Batman villain was created.  Yeah, it just makes too much sense.  Obama's team of secret communist psychics planted the seed of a mudslinging campaign 19 years before said campaign even got started.  They created the villain, pulled strings to make sure the Satanists at Warner Bros. hired Christopher Nolan to reboot Batman as a gun hating democrat, and bribed Nolan with three Hawaiian islands to make Bane the villain in the third movie.  That must be why the movie includes a line from Bane saying, "When Gotham is ashes, you have my permission to die".  He was talking about Gotham factories to hard working factory workers that Mitt Romney in no way laid off!  No sir, not that true American.  He's so American, he doesn't even know what a soccer ball is.  But if he saw one, he would instinctly hate it.

 Moments before the ball caused the BP oil spill.

Sarcasm aside, is Rush Limbaugh that out of touch?  I know he is a racist, sexist, homophobic, pain killer addicted, hateful bigot the size of Pluto, but does he actually believe the things he says?  The connection he thinks is there doesn't exist.  It's about as likely as the Avengers brainwashing us into hating special ops military units because Nick Fury assembled a team that includes a scientist who probably believes in evolution and is also a dangerous rage monster who can destroy a city by himself.  Plus, that movie makes us think America's enemies are lead by a demi-god with an elaborate hat!  It's a ploy to make us hate the Pope!  I bet Captain America was born in Canada too!

Actually, the Avengers analogy isn't very good.  Limbaugh obviously knows America's enemies are gay sex and women who leave the kitchen.

 "If only I stopped Loki before he gave that lady an abortion."

The funniest part of this is that even if there was a connection between the Batman villain Bane and Mitt Romney, Limbaugh is just upset that the connection was made.  The fact that Nolan would be calling Mitt Romney a villain indirectly in this case?  NOT AN ISSUE.  He's okay with that I guess, but this is a guy who probably thought Christians were the good guys during the Crusades.  The connection wouldn't even be an issue if, you know, Mitt Romney didn't take inspiration from comic villains while working at Bain Capital.  If only Romney would have replaced all his employees with penguins, then Limbaugh could complain about Batman Begins instead and how that movie did not accurately portray Romney's platform of "more penguins with back mounted rockets for everybody".

The Dark Knight Rises has absurdly high expectations (so high that I think the movie will come up a little short for me) and is expected to rival the Avengers in box office sales.  However, if the movie has even a slight influence on the presidential race, I will eat a light bulb.  Rush Limbaugh is insane, this is not news, but this opinion on a Batman villain seems crazy for even the craziest of "Obama is an alien from the planet SocialistTaxTopiaVille and his healthcare law makes George Washington cry" crazy people.

Even the Joker thinks Limbaugh is crazy, although when he heard of what Limbaugh said, he nearly laughed to death.  Laughing at what he says is probably the best option though.  Rush Limbaugh everybody!  Making the Joker look sane.  


Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and Rush Limbaugh isn't nearly as relevant as people think he is.  He has to keep saying crazy things for people to pay attention.  It's the only way a Gamorrean from Star Wars can have a job on the radio.  

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Snow White is Really Popular Right Now For Some Reason

After watching a trailer for the upcoming movie Snow White and The Huntsman, something came to mind other than the sudden urge to bathe in milk.  It's that this is the third Snow White related thing to happen in the last year.  One TV show, two movies, and I assume a ton of bitterness coming from Disney.  I know how several studios can all do this, (Snow White, along with most fairy tales, is public domain) the question is why?

This King Arthur movie looks weird.

I can only assume a bunch of Hollywood executives got together around a mountain of cocaine, remarked about how "white" it is, then starting throwing it into the air to make it "snow" cocaine.  Then, of course, they all got into an argument about who could do the most Snow White, got confused, and started dry humping the drugs.  When they sobered up, all they could remember was the Snow White part and the rest is history suffering withdrawal symptoms.

There is no way Hollywood decided to make these movies and the TV show due to consumer demand.  I can't think of a single person that once thought the Snow White mythology needed to be expanded upon.  Nobody thought they should give a back story to the magic mirror that includes a brief stint as Liberace's dressing room mirror.  No one pitched the idea that the Dark Queen should be a secret yachting enthusiast.  Someone has probably pitched an idea with a murderous eighth dwarf named Stabby who learns the error of his ways, escapes from prison, saves Snow White and kills the Dark Queen with the help of an army of ewoks.  That last one sounds like fan fiction written by either the worlds only Snow White/horror/Star Wars super fan or George Lucas.

 Now Snow White is an Asian dude.  Via a Travel Journal.

Apparently, the first law of modern filmmaking is, "Have we done a gritty reboot to ______ yet?"  Red Riding Hood got the fairy tale gritty reboot ball rolling with a terrible movie that I think was one of Babydoll's dreams in the movie Sucker Punch but with less cleavage.  Even though the movie did poorly and failed to turn a profit, Hollywood decided this was a demographic worth pursuing even if it's a demographic that didn't exist yet.

TV studios drew first blood on the Snow White front, a stain she is just really struggling to clean on her dress, by making Once Upon a Time.  It's not strictly about Snow White as it includes other fairy tale characters, but she is one of the main characters since it's her wedding in the first episode that starts this whole fairy-bore-tale that doesn't even feature dwarves.  Or fairies, for that matter.  Every episode stars Jennifer Morrison, who might be the first person to ever become a sheriff's deputy on the honor system, and an annoying little boy who seems to know everything because I hate him.  The show is mostly about those two trying to free the fairy tale characters trapped in the real world from a curse which is - and I just lost interest.  The show is doing well with viewers but, ahhh, man, MTV2's Sucker Free Countdown just started.  Thank you MTV2 for making my Sunday nights sucker free.  It was really a problem for a while.

....Aaaaand that is about all you see of the fairy tale land in a season. 

The show is boring.  The premise is intriguing, fairy tale characters in the real world, but it absolutely murders that premise by making the characters not know they are fairy tale characters.  I want to know how the actual Snow White would be like in the real world, not how she handles an identity crisis. 

The movie Mirror, Mirror has an identity crisis as a horrifying comedy-drama Bollywood musical according to everything I've read about it.  I won't see this movie, ever, but it's Snow White if you've ever wondered what it would be like if Julia Roberts played the Red Queen from Alice in Wonderland as the villain.  Also, it's tag line is "One Bad Apple".  Gritty reboot everybody.  Poison apple puns!

But, of course, the heavyweight hasn't come out yet.  Snow White and The Huntsman looks like Harry Potter with more actual magic instead of being limited to shooting lightning out of a wand.  And despite this movie feeling like "Red Riding Hood 2: The Wolf Dwarves of White Snow," maybe this movie will be good.  Thor is playing the huntsman!  Charlize Theron is...hot!  Kristen Stewart from Twilight is uh oh.  Snow White might fall in love with a vampire in high school.  But hey, maybe it's got a good director who can get the most out of her from the only work listed on his IMDB are you kidding me?!?!  Well that settles it.  You kids have fun.  I'll be over here waiting for that movie that is and isn't an Alien prequel because Ridley Scott is a secretive prick.

 I'm not sure what's going on here but at least there isn't fanciful dancing.

So only one of these Snow White adaptations is actually a gritty reboot, but done by a very rookie director, another is a movie that is so confused it reboots Snow White AS grit, and the other is a TV show that reboots Snow White as not Snow White.  Before long, another Snow White reboot will probably go into production that will be titled "Rain Black and The Seven Gimps".  The Good Queen will be the villain somehow and the magic mirror will be replaced by a magic bullet food processor.  Grit-tastic!

These just go to show, nerd opinions of Hollywood and TV not knowing what they are doing most of the time look stronger than ever.  These adaptions were not necessary and didn't even accomplish what they set out to do.  Oh, and I guess I didn't really answer why they decided "Snow White is popular, lets snort the shit out of some movies!" but the answer was probably always, "because Snow White is drugs isn't it?" anyway.


Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and I've never really cared for Snow White or any other fairy tales.  Although, if I WAS a big Snow White fan, I would be so angry right now you guys.

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Is Indie Music Returning to the Pop Charts? Again?

2004 was a strange year when it came to pop music.  It was the year a bunch of indie bands like Modest Mouse, Postal Service, The Killers, Yeah Yeah Yeah's, Franz Ferdinand and a few others all sacrificed Jessica Simpson's few remaining brain cells to get hit songs in the top 100.  I like to call it the "Indie Spring" since it's the season for rebellion and because I am horribly insensitive to Muslims being confused for Arabs.

 "He was more rebellious when he had a beard." - Some random girl at a Modest Mouse concert.
Via blog.lolitanie.com 

During this time, indie was very much, not -indie for a while and it seemed like alternative rock might brake away from it's music snob, hipster niche that now hated these bands since cool kids liked them before they were popular.  These indie bands were going to be the "new grunge" and they would change the rules so that pop stars can't have a major hit just by screaming "Yyyyyeahyyyaaa" and "Uhhhhhooooo-kay" over and over again.

But, being naive about pop music is what I do, so of course this didn't happen.  Instead, all they really did was make rock music relevant enough for a 2005 where Green Day's American Idiot was so popular the album was appointed Prime Minister of France.  The problem is, the only thing indie about Green Day is it's vague reference to Earth Day.  The likelihood of the 2004 Indie Spring having any effect on Green Day's success is about as likely as a self proclaimed punk rock band thinking one of their albums would be perfect for a Broadway musical adaptation.  Right, because Phantom of the Opera was so punk, the orchestra styled their hair into liberty spikes.

   Moments before the 1st chair cellist is called to the stage.  Via Wikimedia Commons.

So it comes as somewhat of a surprise to me to find more indie rock-ish sounding songs in the top 100 right now.  Granted, these are mostly not bands that already had a dozen albums before having a big hit like Modest Mouse, whom all their new fans probably thought the band was just a side project for Danger Mouse.  No, most of these bands are brand new and can only be called indie in that some of them may claim to draw inspiration from Wilco.

One of these bands is Fun, who has that "We Are Young" song you've probably heard 472 times today and only once realized a band named themselves with an adjective.  Funny, but my Emo band titled "Sad" didn't do so well.  Actually, that's not funny.  That's just sad.  "Sad" is sad.  The first self aware band name since The Who before they got famous. 

Another indie sounding artist is Gotye with a song called "Somebody That I Used To Know".  That song features a female vocalist named Kimbra who also happens to be a Lion Queen.  Also, Gotye is naked in the songs video presumably because he was always pissed about his artist ex-girlfriend never wanting him to pose nude for a painting.

 "I refuse to paint his barbed penis."

Those two songs are #1 and #2 respectively (well, they were before they flipped spots), followed by two boy bands because that was a fad that needed to comeback, and of course, the Biebs. Yet, it's to early to argue that a second Indie Spring is underway.  The highest an actual indie band is is M83's song "Midnight City", a pretty awesome song that failed to realize MGMT and Passion Pit were popular two years ago.  Hopefully those obviously dangerous children in the song's video don't try to throw a squirrel at my crotch with their telekinesis because I just made fun of the band.  Hey, I like this song guys and I am soooo jealous about your mind powers that I would drink a glass of french fry grease from a New Jersey Jack-in-the-Box to have what you have.

These kids have such a bright future.  Like, killing 30 million people and declaring themselves gods. 

A second Indie Spring would be nice though.  For all the good that Lady Gaga has brought to pop music (yes, good.  I can appreciate her efforts to push pop music into weird, nightmare sex monster territory) it doesn't seem to have had a lasting effect.  Pop music went right back into it's usual "lets go to the club, drink, drink, drink, dance, dance, dance, boner, grind, grind, grind, slap, stabbed by boyfriend" routine.   Hopefully the standard has been raised by Adele but that requires talent.  Something woefully lacking when it's possible to get a hit song by claiming yes, it is hot in HER, taking off all my clothes sounds like a choice idea. 

The small but surprising indie trend is certainly worth paying attention too for the rest of the year.  I know another Nirvana is never going to come around and make pop music it's bitch, but at least a little variety in pop music would be nice.  It gets a little tiresome when you can put the radio on a pop station and hear 4 different Katy Perry songs in an hour.  Micheal Jackson didn't have that kind of overplay and he straight up thrilled all night.


Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and hipsterish.  My musical tastes are better than yours.  Who do I like you ask?  Please, you haven't heard of them.  

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James Cameron's Titanic 3D Means Bad News for Film.

No!  Nnnno!  You stop that James Cameron!  You stop that right now!  I've always wanted you to come back from filming coral reefs, sunken ships, and looking for Godzilla, but now I fear all that ocean pressure has turned your brain into Gerber Organic Squash.

The first thing you do with your comeback is make Avatar, which is really just a story about blue cat people rebelling against technologically advanced villains with the help of one of the technologically advanced villains switching sides.  Weird, but I think you already made a movie with this story.  Actually, if you include Aliens, then you've made this story three times except in this one, the technologically advanced side was the heroes and the villains were slimy aliens with penises for heads.  Then you decided to not even hide making the same movie over again with a different movie by adding a gimmick to Titanic.  OOOOoooo.  Threeee Deeeee.  My migraine loves this. 

A propaganda film for Aspirin.

Thanks to you and Disney's 3D re-releases of Beauty and the Beast and The Lion King, every movie ever made is now rumored to get 3D re-releases as well.  Indiana Jones?  Hell yeah, when they open the Ark, the ghost Jews or The Moses Magnificent 7 or King David's Spirit Ninjas of Honorable Death or whatever will just pop off the screen.  Jurassic Park?  Sure since there isn't a lot of night shots that would be incomprehensible after the 3D conversion makes the picture even darker.  It's not like the movies most iconic scene takes place at night.  And in the rain.  And Jeff Goldblum.  Finding Nemo?  Those fish will, uh, whatever.  I don't care about this one.    

Do you see what you are doing James Cameron?  I've wasted all this time arguing against reboots, sequels, and Dr. Seuss movies more poorly executed than Osama Bin Laden's emergency escape plan, when I should have been watching you instead.  This TITANIC trend of 3D re-releases will surely increase after Titanic 3D absolutely SINKS Paramount's bank account under the weight of an  ICEBERG of money.  It's pretty much a guarantee.

So I give up James.  Do your worst. 

Hard to read but that kind of looks like Titanic 3D is in third place.  Those top two movies must really be killing it.

Well The Hunger Games is certainly killing it.  I never thought a movie about competitive eating would do so well.  I guess America really is THAT fat.   But, wait, is that?  Is that one of those American Pie movies?  The same franchise that single-handedly ruined and paradoxically sustained Eugene Levy's career?  The same franchise that had four straight to DVD spin-offs that people must have been buying because why else did they make four of them?  Yes James Cameron, Titanic 3D lost to a movie whose legacy includes popularizing the word "MILF".  Oh how the mighty have fallen. 

So maybe Hollywood won't take your lead on this for once and will think twice about doing these 3D re-releases.  Then again, the 25.6 million Titanic 3D already made is probably more than the cost of the 3D conversion so....shit.  I used to love you James Cameron.  Now I kind of hate you. 


Disclaimer:  I still love you James Cameron.  I can't quit you.

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Am I Really a Nerd?

"In the realm of the Internet, the nerd is king," a wise programmer said once, I presume.  Probably to somebody they were trying to sleep with or to their disapproving parents.  It makes sense because if the Internet caters to anybody, it's us nerds.

 You don't have to be a nerd to attend, but it helps.

But wait, what is a nerd now?  The Internet, and the mainstream media to a lesser extent, has made the term "nerd" vague and ambiguous.  It seems like anybody who likes Star Wars can claim to be a nerd.  The problem is everybody likes Star Wars, except for hipsters who claim there hasn't been a good sci-fi movie since Metropolis, so there is no way that can be enough to deem somebody a nerd.  Knowing a lot about computers doesn't make you a nerd either unless you absolutely insist on using Linux.  Video games have gained mainstream acceptance thanks largely to the Nintendo Wii, so liking video games doesn't make you a nerd either, especially if you play the Wii.  Even liking comic books are not much of a nerd prerequisite since all the major ones have either A. had a successful blockbuster movie adaptation or B. is Ghost Rider.  So what makes somebody a nerd?  Am I even a nerd?

I know way more about Star Wars than my friends think I know about Star Wars, so much so that I know Jabba the Hutt's little pet jester thing (a character who didn't need a name) is named Salacious Crumb.  I love retro video games and wear a Galaga T-shirt not for irony but because I genuinely love Galaga and tractor beams.  I once spent most of a day at work walking in slow motion to the song from the Kill Bill soundtrack, "Battle Without Honor or Humility", playing on repeat because my co-workers didn't respect just how bad ass I am.  Even my favorite TV show is a freaking anime, Cowboy freaking Bebop.  So yeah, nerd cred?  I got some.

 I have never done a Cowboy Bebop cosplay though....yet.  Via Flickr.

But I don't fit every nerd stereotype.  I say, "Dr. who?" to Doctor Who, I care about Firefly as much as I care about actual fireflies, and I rarely read comic books anymore because, get this, the Devil destroyed Spiderman's marriage.  That happened!  Somebody wrote that!  The Spiderman comics didn't just jump the shark, they catapulted over it and landed on This is Fucking Stupid Beach.  If only Doctor Octopus turned out to be Vishnu the Destroyer's bisexual, donkey breeding father, I would probably quit comics all together.  And despite Cowboy Bebop being my favorite TV show, I hate most anime.  I especially hate those that end in "mon", "oh!", or basically any show with children forcing adorable monsters to fight to the death.  I'm sure these kids have more of a reason to enslave these monsters other than to, sigh, be the best.  Just...just the BEST.  But I can't help but feel these shows are like the cute version of dog fighting and Micheal Vick is the villain since Japanese cartoons almost never include black characters. 

Speaking of Micheal Vick, I think one nerd stereotype seems to dominate over the rest; that nerds hate sports.  While somebody doesn't need to fit every stereotype to be a nerd, the hatred for sports seems to be the most defining to me and often, the most truthful.  Sports topics at any nerdy message board either don't exist, or are filled with just five users posting random sports issues that the others don't care about.  In consecutive order, you'll find a post about Eli Manning, then the Boston Bruins, then Manchester United, then cricket, then competitive eating, then a post about Battlestar Galactica because that user posted in the wrong thread.  An actual conversation about sports occurring in a nerdy message board is as likely as Arkham Asylum realizing they need to beef up security.

 Letting a supervillain with plant powers have a greenhouse?  Nah.  Nothing wrong there.  Via Flickr.

It doesn't even have to be actual sports for nerds to hate either.  Considering how many Youtube channels there are of nerds reviewing video games, a review of a sports video game is rarer than finding a virgin who claims they didn't cry when Aerith died in Final Fantasy VII (I was a very emotional 15 year old okay?  I was totally going to marry that girl!).  The two exceptions are reviews of the Xtremely radical, so 90's it wore Zubaz pants, NBA Jam, and a game that allowed you to bribe and/or kill the referee, Mutant League Football.  Okay, sometimes there is a review of NFL Blitz too since most people remember it as the one game in the arcade nobody was playing or as the game that made you pay fifty cents to play a 5 minute 1st Quarter of the game.  Price gouging at it's finest.  It's like the actual NFL determined these prices. 

There are nerds who like sports.  I am one of these exceptions since I happen to like sports, though my nerdy tendencies punish me by giving me a receding hair line.  I don't like all sports but I like hockey, football (American) and football (everywhere else).  Baseball is okay live but I hate basketball, which I'm sure isn't because I'm only 5'7, 5'8 in the right shoes.  I would probably like basketball more if the last 2 minutes of a 92-90 game, a game that is considered exciting, didn't just render about 178 points meaningless.  All those points leading to what is basically a 2-0 game?  I haven't seen that much meaningless scoring since Ted Haggard in a gay brothel.

 Now if we combine basketball and soccer into a single sport, that would be, a sport.  Via Geograph.

So does all this mean I'm a nerd?  Kind of, maybe, I guess?  This all makes me some sort of nerd-lite, which is the low calorie nerd for people looking to not gain weight but it kind of makes you look like a pussy if you're seen with me.  Wait, no, NOT THAT.  I like having friends.  And no, I've never invited them over to play a table top role playing game nor do I ever want to.  My lack of interest in Dungeons and Dragons probably drops me 100 nerd points but that's okay.  Bigger nerds than I can carry that acne plagued, never seen boobs in real life flag.  Jokes on nerd stereotypes?  I got those too. 

There are different strata of nerd and the nerd archetype has become socially acceptable even when high level nerds shun it.  The most popular definition of nerd at Urbandictionary.com is, "One whose IQ exceeds his weight."  Yes, because we have never seen a nerd over 205 pounds.  Nobody has an accurate definition of nerd so we all have some nerd in us.  How much depends on a lot of factors and how often you use a description like "high level" to describe somebody.

Now if you'll excuse me, this nerd-lite, but high level mage, is going to go watch some Ninja Warrior.  Kick some ass Masato Nagano!


Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and contains 60% of your daily nerd intake.  

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Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter? Hell yes!

Sometimes it feels like Hollywood doesn't take any risks anymore.  They like to stick with established franchises so that even if a movie sucks, they will still make some money because fans of the franchise will still see it.  The Transformers movies are a good example of this since those movies have made a ton of money despite having stories that amount to nothing more than "find the magic doo-hickey before the bad guys to win the world", action scenes that look like toys in a dryer catching on fire, military worship that makes recruitment ads look subtle, and the always sweating Shia LaBeouf running from so many robots that he has actually completed four marathons.  Hollywood thinks this is all better than taking a risk on something that might fail to make money because they are really hurting for money and Avatar ONLY made 12.8 Gajillion dollars. Obviously right?

But then, Hollywood reminds me that I'm a jaded asshole and takes a risk on something awesome.  They have made a pretty obscure comic book, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter into a movie.  And by the looks of the trailer, they are not treating it as a "Snakes on a Plane, this idea is retarded" kind of joke.  It looks like they are playing this straight and it's enough to excite my pants enough that my boner is visible from space. 

Great idea or greatest idea?

Don't get me wrong, this idea is ridiculous.  But it's ridiculous in the "ridiculously tit sauce" way since historical figures fighting monsters is awesome.  Hopefully, this movie is good and a financial success so we can see other historical figures fighting the good fight.  Can you imagine the possibilities?

Theodore Roosevelt:  Werewolf Wrestler

John F. Kennedy:  Harpy Lover

Ferdinand II:  Spanish Witch Inquisitor.

George Washington:  Crumpet Killer

Howard Taft:  Pie Devourer.  (Get it?  Cause he's fat!)

Louis XIV:  Headless Horseman Aficionado.  

Henry Ford:  Nazi Sympathizer (Wait...that ones true).

And I don't even care how or WHY Lincoln is hunting vampires because it doesn't matter.  Lincoln is going to kick your ass, and by kick, I mean stab, and by ass, I mean your vampire heart.  Lestat?  More like Ass-Hat.  Nosferatu?  More like Knows-Fart-You, am I right?  Dracula?  More like,  Drag-Poo...La?  I got nothing. 

Everyone should see this movie.  If Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is successful, it will give Hollywood reason to take on other risky movie ideas.  Or at the very least, people will finally know what really started the Civil War, slave blood (I assume).

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5 Products From Back to the Future Part 2 (Will We See Them by 2015?)

I may not admit it very often, but my favorite movie is Back to the Future.  I absolutely love this movie.  From, "Heavy?  There's that term again.  In the future, is something wrong with the Earths gravitational pull?" to incestuous pre-prom make out sessions that make me question every boner I've ever had, this movie is great entertainment,  Even the sequels, including the oft-maligned part 3 (the tone is still there but the style is admittedly gone) are very good.  Albeit, it is a little creepy knowing that several generations of McFlys and Tannons never moved away from Hill Valley.  Are they trapped there by a curse?  Maybe the modern name of the town is Silent Hill Valley.

It's Back to the Future Part 2 however that steers away from the past and predicts the distant future of 2015.  Well, "predicts" might not be the right word.  The right word is probably "crushes my dreams of" and also not just a word.  In 1985, 2015 was distant, but now?  Not so much.  This got me thinking, how likely are we to see the awesome inventions Back to the Future Part 2 promised us by 2015?

Well great Scott!  Thankfully for you, I have spent entirely far too much time thinking about this. Let me brake it down for you, unless you're chicken.

Recommended musical accompaniment for this article.

1.  Power Lacing Shoes

In the movie, Doc gives Marty some 2015 clothes so he won't look like he just came from an 80's party.  The clothes is originally too big for him but at the push of a button, everything tightens around him to fit.  Everything except for that hat which is less 2015 and more 1987 Beastie Boy. 

Awesomeness rating:  2 out of 10.

Self tightening clothes is awesome for the laziest among us but self tightening shoes is even lazier.  Granted, tying shoes takes about ten seconds of your time away from doing more productive things like learning to be a douchebag, which is exactly what people who wear Ugg slippers already learned, but tying shoes is among the most fundamental of activities.  It's one of the first lessons we are taught just like learning to not put your hand on the stove and running away from daddy's liquor cabinet that you just broke into before he forcefully slams your hand onto the stove.  It's like a two for one lesson.  Learn to tie your shoes to run faster.

Chances of Happening by 2015:  9 out of 10.

To some degree, they already exist.    But wait, there's more!  Actual power laces are in development and Nike is evil.  Surely, the shoes will probably be $10,000 a pair and only the three richest princes of Finland will buy them, but I'm happy they exist. 

2.  Self Tightening and Self Drying Jacket

In the same scene above, Marty is also given a jacket.  A little later in the movie, Marty acts like a matador and "ole's" Biff into a courthouse by jumping in a pool.  Afterward, he pushes a button on the jacket and it drys itself (the movie does not say if the shoes can do this, therefore I left that aspect out.  I am a dork).

Awesomeness Rating:  3 out of 10.

The jacket losses points with me because a self tightening jacket is as unnecessary as self tightening shoes, but it gains points for being self drying.  How often have you gone indoors after being out in the rain or snow and been mocked for having a wet jacket?  Never?  Wow.  You don't hang out in opium dens then because those junkies will flip their shit.  They will lick moisture off you because the opium has long ago fried their part of the brain that figures out how to get a glass of water.  With this jacket, you can go inside an opium den and not look like a giant drip water bottle for rats.

Chances of Happening by 2015: 5 out of 10.

Bamboo fabric (that....exists?) is pretty much the closest thing we have.  Well that and taking a hair dryer to your clothes.  Actually, that sounds like a fire hazard so don't do that.  Or do that!  I like to think of your junk on fire.

 Thank you digital traffic sign guy.  You made my day.

3.  The Hydrator

When Marty goes to future Marty's house (man, this must be confusing to anybody who hasn't seen this movie), they eat a pizza that is cooked in something called the Hydrator.   They put in what is basically a bite-sized pizza and in just three seconds, a piping hot large comes right out.  It is never explained how the machine works but I assume it shoots water at food because Hydrator sounds like the name of a super-soaker.  How they didn't end up with pizza soup is a mystery to me.

Awesomeness Rating:  5 out of 10.

This thing makes a microwave look like the fat kid in gym class running the mile.

Chances of Happening by 2015:  2 out of 10.

I'm feeling generous with that 2 rating only because dehydrated food is a thing.  From 1950 to 1990, people seemed to think that in the future we would eat nothing but astronaut food.  Equally ridiculous is the idea that we would all be living on the moon, which coincidentally, doesn't have a large supply of water.  People from the past didn't think this one through.

4.  Hoverboards

Now for the heavy hitters!  If you don't know what scene this is from then you clearly have no heart.  Yes, heart!  You would know you have one because when it first appears, you go into cardiac arrest over the sheer excitement of how radical 2015 will be.  The only time I've been more excited is when I took a gremlin to a waterpark for a midnight snack.  Shit got real campy and ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.  Are you thinking what I am thinking?  Gremlins.  On.  Hoverboards.  I've already started the screenplay.  It's titled, "Gremlins to the Future:  The Adventure of Gizmo McFly."

Now imagine Marty as a Gremlin over that water and hijinks will ensue. 

Awesomeness Rating:  10 out of 10.

Do I even need to explain?  It's a skateboard without wheels.  It hovers (but not on water unless you got POWER) and that is enough to make up for the fact that I would totally own a pink one if it was the only color they came in.  I would ride it to 7-Eleven to play the arcade games and harass the store clerk.  I would ride it to the local diner to share a chocolate shake with my sweetie.  I would ride it to the drive-in theater even though you're not supposed to because uh oh, that's not a car!  I would also ride it to many other things I'm sure are not out dated references in 2012, never mind 2015.

Chances of Happening by 2015:  0.1 out of 10. 

I'm going to level with you.  Despite hover technology pretty much existing, and peaking at silly balloon ride status, this dream is dead.   I'm SURE scientists are spending their time on more IMPORTANT things like, doing a study to find out soot and methane is bad for global warming, doing another study to find out performance enhancing drugs improves performance, doing yet another study to find out if bigger breasted servers and bartenders get better tips, and writing an essay about why I should stop being so sarcastic.

5.  Flying Cars

This one predates Back to the Future Part 2 as the Delorean flies off in the final scene of the first movie.  It leaves the viewer thinking, "Flying cars?!?! I want that more than I want my penis back from that hooker who cut it off!"  And why not?  Who doesn't want a flying car?

 Particularly this one but I don't think it can drive anymore, never mind fly.

Awesomeness Rating:  -1,000,000 out of 10

I don't want a flying car! For that matter, nor do I want anybody else to have one.  Traffic is bad enough as it is.  Now imagine the worst traffic jam you have ever seen only now the vehicles are capable of travelling vertically.  It would be like Lord of the Flies with IED's. The amount of fuel to get a car airborne would basically turn each car into a bomb.  One fender bender in a traffic jam would probably be enough to start a chain reaction of explosions with enough power to destroy 2,000 Decepticons.   

To make matters worse, every accident results in two collisions.  Where do you think two cars colliding in mid-air are going to go?  Anytime you take a step outside, a ton of flaming metal could come crashing down on your head, and no, I'm not talking about an all gay Slayer cover band.  The most accurate portrayal of a 2015 with flying cars would be the old Atari game Missile Command, and last time I checked, it's not easy to buy ground-to-air rockets.  This is the one time when the Middle East would be better suited to handle new technology.

Chance of Happening by 2015:  0 out of 10.

Finally some good news.  Now flying trains?  That would be...something. 


Disclaimer:  This article is satirical.  The awesomeness rating of this article is 2.5 hoverboards.  Or if you're bad at math, 12.5 self tightening shoes.  

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Does George Lucas Hate Star Wars Fans?

Anybody who likes Star Wars and has an Internet connection probably already knows about the controversial changes George Lucas has made to the films for their Blu-Ray release.  This shouldn't have been a surprise to anybody though since Lucas is like a kid who can't stop touching himself when it comes to Star Wars.  The more you tell him to stop, the more he just hides in his room and wonders how to deal with his confusing crotch.  He has made so many changes to the films for every DVD box set, theater re-release, and prequel retcons that he might as well have never left his room since his Star Wars boner just won't go away.  He should probably see a doctor.

 "Everybody stay back.  George needs his me time."  Via Fotopedia

Apparently, Lucas wants to fix the movies because they were so horrible when they were originally made and everybody hates them.  Or wait, no, the films have a giant fanbase and have expanded into hundreds of video games, books, comics, TV shows, toys, and terrible Luke-Chewbacca-Yoda threesome fan fiction; all of which has made Lucas more money than a Nigerian E-mail scammer.  So it begs the question, why does he keep making changes to the movies?

The possible reasons seem endless and incredibly stupid.  Maybe Lucas is some sort of anti-perfectionist that can't stop making changes until there are just enough flaws that people might stop dressing up as stormtroopers and embarrassing Lucas in front of his new, popular friends.  Maybe the movies have trapped his soul and he needs to make the changes commanded to him from Xerolyx the hell knight to get it back.  Maybe Lucas is trying to impress a girl but never realized that the girl was more of a Star Trek fan.  Or there is the possibility that Lucas just hates his fans, which would be ludicrous considering all the money he has been given.

Then again, maybe it's not so crazy to think Lucas hates his fans.  While doing promotion for his movie Red Tails (also known as that movie that looks like Pearl Harbor but that's not a bad thing right?), Lucas addressed fans that have criticized the changes made to the films.  He basically blames critical fans for ending the franchise and convincing him not to make anymore canonical Star Wars films.  Not like anybody really cares about that considering Star Wars Episode 7 would probably be titled, "Dark Jar-Jar Rises".  That would be as entertaining as watching Ewoks yell nonsense at robots, but wait, that already happened.

 Yub Yub!

Critical fans ruining Star Wars would almost make sense except for the fact that critical fans have never stopped Lucas from doing anything ever.  And he also hasn't made strange changes to any Indiana Jones movies (although he doesn't have as much power with them since Steven Spielberg is the only one who knows were the antidote is), which makes it feel like he is more satisfied with them.  It's almost as if Lucas makes these changes just to fuck with us.

So he has to hate Star Wars fans right?  It can't be, that out of everybody that loves the Star Wars movies, he is the one that loves them least.  What say you?  Yes?  No?  Banana?


Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and probably not even a very good theory.  Lucas clearly just hates himself.

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One Day As A Turkey

(How wearing a costume in public turns you into a superhero)

The night before Thanksgiving this year I participated in a little social experiment. That is, if by “participated” I really mean “was dropped into,” and by “social experiment” I mean “getting trashed, molested, screamed at, and generally having an insane time.” Instead of my standard behavior of traveling to visit family, my boss (who believes slapping people in the face with his balls is the national pastime) cancelled my plans with a karate chop so decisive that even Chuck Norris would consider it epic. But I am no stranger to watching as Happenstance chokes the ever-loving life out of my dreams and desires. These things happen. So what could I do but carry on and persevere? And by “persevere” I mean “dress up like a turkey and hang out in bars on the holidays.”

Luckily, this all turned out magnificently well. For two whole days I felt as good as Superman getting to whoop the shit out of Aquaman. This got me thinking that maybe I had become a superhero for a day or two. But how can a person be sure of a statement this bold? You can’t just say you’re a superhero with nothing to back it up. In fact, every year or so there’s a news story of some punk-bitch who dresses up to be a masked vigilante and he usually gets his face shot off. And I don’t want to be that guy. So I’ve decided to address a few principles, some ground rules of basic hero-dom if you will, that will hopefully substantiate my claim of becoming a caped crusader.

If you ever claim to be "The Night" this guy will come for your head.

1)  A superhero must have a tragic and/or mysterious origin story:

Uh, yeah, I’ve got the tragic part covered here. I already mentioned how my holiday plans got denied as quickly and harshly as I did on Prom Night. Except my boss used less mace than Suzy Larsen… but not much less. Now as far as mysterious goes, let’s review some events regarding my origin becoming the Turkey Dude. It all began when I got an email from a guy (Aaron) I had only met a handful of times. A few days later, a strange package arrived at my apartment door. Then, on the day of my miraculous (ridiculous) transformation, I met Aaron (who works for the government) at a compound with restricted access before being whisked away in his sportscar to an undisclosed location. Now how’s that for some secret spy shit? Then, after an unorthodox rite of passage involving The Tibetan Book of the Dead and several beers, we had each become more turkey than man.

2)  Got to have some superpower(s):

More or less, my superpowers consisted of: Make anybody dance, Convince anyone to drink more, and Get anyone to shout “YEAH” on command just by pointing at them. Now I know this isn’t laser eye rays, invisibility, the ability to commune with animals, control electricity, or super strength. It might appear like I only had the powers of any generic fraternity president. But it was cooler than that. And unlike the frat dude, I only used my powers for good, not douchey evil.

"Here at Sigma Beta Beta we all have the power to not use condoms once we've roofied you!"

The ability to get anybody dancing was my favorite power of the night. When we went to a half-filled bar and crushed the empty space in the middle of the building, suddenly no one could resist the temptation to groove and the bar was filled to the brim with festive partiers. At one point, I was dancing clumsily with a beer in my hand and had been performing some variation of the awkward dance by that kid from the Charlie Brown cartoons who bobs his head while kicking his legs out. When I was truly rocking solid to “Too Much Bass Club Music #7863,” there was a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to find three Asian people smiling at me. The guy in the middle was a sixty year old man – Jesus only knows what he was doing at a nightclub at midnight. When he saw he had my attention, he began replicating my dance with twice the vigor I had been using. Needless to say, I started to dance as hard as I could, which is about the time some wasted dude shouted, “Hey! This guy’s doing the turkey dance! This old guy’s doing the turkey dance with a turkey!” This was immediately followed by everyone in the room cheering and doing shots. I believe that’s pretty much the story of how Ghost Rider got his start, unless I’m misremembering that one.

3)  Superheroes must have some source for their amazing powers:

Wild Turkey 101 shots. Obvious, I know. But did you also know that a man-turkey-hybrid supercreature also thrives on cheap Chinese food? To get the ball rolling, Agent Aaron and I met up with the rest of our turkey brethren at a bar that doesn’t have a name which is attached to a Chinese restaurant. This was our Batcave from which we could keep tabs on our city, suit up, make battle plans, and park our Batmoblie (which happened to be a Ford Focus. Don’t hate). The drinks were beyond cheap and you can order restaurant food from the confines of the bar and the wait staff will bring it back to your own dingy little corner. Even though this was all beautifully convenient, we naturally still went out into the restaurant because…

4)  Superheroes create media spectacles:

Everywhere we went became photo-bomb central. I don’t have a Facebook account, but I ended up on a hundred or so people’s Facebook pagey-wall things. We didn’t have to be like sad, vain Peter Parker taking pictures of himself. It was already something huge and unstoppable. This was taken to another level when we walked into a dimly lit wine bar. The owner of the establishment came out to take pictures of us sipping on our wine. That’s right, we were helping small shop owners. For the record, the wine we selected was in fact one that pairs well with turkey, and if you think that I sound like a wuss for saying that then bear in mind that I had already taken several shots of whisky to the face along with a couple of brews, with the night only being halfway over at this point. I was going 100% professional. Plus, I loves me some Pinot Noir. Mixing alcohol never felt so right as it did while marinating this turkey fellow.

 Chillin' in the wine bar.

5)  Catchphrase:

“Gobble! Gobble!”

6)  Weakness or Flaw:

One of the most important aspects of a superhero’s character is some sort of inherent weakness or flaw. No one’s perfect, including the comic book/movie beings we have grown up idolizing. Kryptonite rocked Superman’s house. Continued mutations in Peter Parker’s DNA eventually transformed him into an uncontrollable and monstrous spider-creature leading him to nearly kill and eat enemies and loved ones alike. Wolverine could be tossed around like some ragdoll by Magneto because of his adamantine bones. And Batman had that annoying voice telling him NOT to kill for some reason. What made me and my fellow turkeys interesting is that our weakness happened to be our catchphrase. It turns out that when you get a group of turkey people together and get them liquored up, if anyone shouts “Gobble” then the turkeys can’t help but all yell “Gobble Gobble” in response. This happened. All. The. Time.

 Hustlin' Tom Turkey says, "Gobble Gobble, y'all."

In fact, at one point, when we were leaving the wine bar, there was a twelve year old girl across the street who kept chanting “Here we go turkeys!” We would always respond with a group Gobble. This happened no fewer than nine times. And the whole time we were trying to decide what to do next, but whenever we heard her yell, we would Gobble in unison. I’d also like to note that this twelve year old was out shouting on the street corner at 11pm, mind you. Where were your parents, I ask?

And I couldn’t claim to be a superhero if I didn’t

7)  Have a doomed love interest:

Let’s face it, comic book heroes have about the same record in the romance department as Hollywood A-listers. That is, they’re beautiful and powerful so they hook up with each other faster than The Flash runs a forty-yard dash, but their relationships blow up like supernovas.

 Friends attempt to console Bruce Banner after a recent breakup.

For my part, my giant turkey heart fell for the cunning wiles of Drunk Belligerent Woman. I met her early in the night before she had revealed her secret identity to me, and we had the typical and meaningless bar small talk that drunk people have any old day of the week. My friends – my SUPERFRIENDS – and I left to go to a few other bars, but ended up returning to this particular establishment. Then, in the midst of the dance floor under the assault of heavy bass, there occurred an exchange that later had to be explained to me by one of my turkey brothers who witnessed the ordeal. What follows is an exact transcript of the event in question:

Drunk Belligerent Woman: Can I grab your giblets?!?

Me: What?!?

DBW: My friends!

Me: What?

DBW: They’re over there. (points) They say I should!

Me: What?

DBW: My friends! We want your giblets!

Me: What?

DBW: So it’s okay?

Me: What?

At which point this lady grabbed and vigorously scrubbed my crotch like she was trying to get the rust off the Titanic. I mean, she really went for it. As this was going down, her little posse of drunk wing-girls hooted and hollered and raised their Cosmos high in celebration. I believe Drunk Belligerent Woman had super strength and the ability to wield flames because she simultaneously crushed my testicles and then nearly set them on fire with friction. She apparently also had super hearing since she heard me consent when all I thought I was saying was “what” over and over. She had it all, let me tell you. But then she disappeared into the crowd without a trace. For the rest of the night, no matter how hard I searched, I never heard her drunk cackling laugh again.

Throughout all of this, we managed to do what all superheroes are supposed to do: we helped people. Even though by the end of the night we had the mental prowess of The Hulk, we still managed to keep it together and be good little turkeys. Sometimes we were helping people boogey down. Other times we fished drunk girls out of the gutter who had fallen due to their incredibly tall and slutty stilettos. And of course there were the hoards of people in town for the holidays who desperately wanted to forget how much they hated being with their stupid relatives. We helped these people too with our booze powers.

 "Wonder Triplet powers activate! Form of: a Hangover!"

The next day, I woke up on Aaron’s couch with a half full beer still upright in my hand. I bet The Silver Surfer wishes he had the ability to do that! Aaron and I had to go back to being human again, so we needed another ceremony to undo the power of the first one. Turkey outfits off, we performed a ritual sacrifice by deep frying a turkey in the backyard and drinking Champagne together. Okay, so that’s not very “super” or anything, but it was delicious. Now if only I could figure out what superpowers I would need to combat my boss’s Asshole Abilities. Seriously, I’d rather work for Darkside…