Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter? Hell yes!

Sometimes it feels like Hollywood doesn't take any risks anymore.  They like to stick with established franchises so that even if a movie sucks, they will still make some money because fans of the franchise will still see it.  The Transformers movies are a good example of this since those movies have made a ton of money despite having stories that amount to nothing more than "find the magic doo-hickey before the bad guys to win the world", action scenes that look like toys in a dryer catching on fire, military worship that makes recruitment ads look subtle, and the always sweating Shia LaBeouf running from so many robots that he has actually completed four marathons.  Hollywood thinks this is all better than taking a risk on something that might fail to make money because they are really hurting for money and Avatar ONLY made 12.8 Gajillion dollars. Obviously right?

But then, Hollywood reminds me that I'm a jaded asshole and takes a risk on something awesome.  They have made a pretty obscure comic book, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter into a movie.  And by the looks of the trailer, they are not treating it as a "Snakes on a Plane, this idea is retarded" kind of joke.  It looks like they are playing this straight and it's enough to excite my pants enough that my boner is visible from space. 

Great idea or greatest idea?

Don't get me wrong, this idea is ridiculous.  But it's ridiculous in the "ridiculously tit sauce" way since historical figures fighting monsters is awesome.  Hopefully, this movie is good and a financial success so we can see other historical figures fighting the good fight.  Can you imagine the possibilities?

Theodore Roosevelt:  Werewolf Wrestler
John F. Kennedy:  Harpy Lover
Ferdinand II:  Spanish Witch Inquisitor.
George Washington:  Crumpet Killer
Howard Taft:  Pie Devourer.  (Get it?  Cause he's fat!)
Louis XIV:  Headless Horseman Aficionado.  
Henry Ford:  Nazi Sympathizer (Wait...that ones true).

And I don't even care how or WHY Lincoln is hunting vampires because it doesn't matter.  Lincoln is going to kick your ass, and by kick, I mean stab, and by ass, I mean your vampire heart.  Lestat?  More like Ass-Hat.  Nosferatu?  More like Knows-Fart-You, am I right?  Dracula?  More like,  Drag-Poo...La?  I got nothing. 

Everyone should see this movie.  If Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is successful, it will give Hollywood reason to take on other risky movie ideas.  Or at the very least, people will finally know what really started the Civil War, slave blood (I assume).

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