Wednesday, February 8, 2012

5 Products From Back to the Future Part 2 (Will We See Them by 2015?)

I may not admit it very often, but my favorite movie is Back to the Future.  I absolutely love this movie.  From, "Heavy?  There's that term again.  In the future, is something wrong with the Earths gravitational pull?" to incestuous pre-prom make out sessions that make me question every boner I've ever had, this movie is great entertainment,  Even the sequels, including the oft-maligned part 3 (the tone is still there but the style is admittedly gone) are very good.  Albeit, it is a little creepy knowing that several generations of McFlys and Tannons never moved away from Hill Valley.  Are they trapped there by a curse?  Maybe the modern name of the town is Silent Hill Valley.

It's Back to the Future Part 2 however that steers away from the past and predicts the distant future of 2015.  Well, "predicts" might not be the right word.  The right word is probably "crushes my dreams of" and also not just a word.  In 1985, 2015 was distant, but now?  Not so much.  This got me thinking, how likely are we to see the awesome inventions Back to the Future Part 2 promised us by 2015?

Well great Scott!  Thankfully for you, I have spent entirely far too much time thinking about this. Let me brake it down for you, unless you're chicken.

Recommended musical accompaniment for this article.

1.  Power Lacing Shoes

In the movie, Doc gives Marty some 2015 clothes so he won't look like he just came from an 80's party.  The clothes is originally too big for him but at the push of a button, everything tightens around him to fit.  Everything except for that hat which is less 2015 and more 1987 Beastie Boy. 

Awesomeness rating:  2 out of 10.

Self tightening clothes is awesome for the laziest among us but self tightening shoes is even lazier.  Granted, tying shoes takes about ten seconds of your time away from doing more productive things like learning to be a douchebag, which is exactly what people who wear Ugg slippers already learned, but tying shoes is among the most fundamental of activities.  It's one of the first lessons we are taught just like learning to not put your hand on the stove and running away from daddy's liquor cabinet that you just broke into before he forcefully slams your hand onto the stove.  It's like a two for one lesson.  Learn to tie your shoes to run faster.

Chances of Happening by 2015:  9 out of 10.

To some degree, they already exist.    But wait, there's more!  Actual power laces are in development and Nike is evil.  Surely, the shoes will probably be $10,000 a pair and only the three richest princes of Finland will buy them, but I'm happy they exist. 

2.  Self Tightening and Self Drying Jacket

In the same scene above, Marty is also given a jacket.  A little later in the movie, Marty acts like a matador and "ole's" Biff into a courthouse by jumping in a pool.  Afterward, he pushes a button on the jacket and it drys itself (the movie does not say if the shoes can do this, therefore I left that aspect out.  I am a dork).

Awesomeness Rating:  3 out of 10.

The jacket losses points with me because a self tightening jacket is as unnecessary as self tightening shoes, but it gains points for being self drying.  How often have you gone indoors after being out in the rain or snow and been mocked for having a wet jacket?  Never?  Wow.  You don't hang out in opium dens then because those junkies will flip their shit.  They will lick moisture off you because the opium has long ago fried their part of the brain that figures out how to get a glass of water.  With this jacket, you can go inside an opium den and not look like a giant drip water bottle for rats.

Chances of Happening by 2015: 5 out of 10.

Bamboo fabric (that....exists?) is pretty much the closest thing we have.  Well that and taking a hair dryer to your clothes.  Actually, that sounds like a fire hazard so don't do that.  Or do that!  I like to think of your junk on fire.

 Thank you digital traffic sign guy.  You made my day.

3.  The Hydrator

When Marty goes to future Marty's house (man, this must be confusing to anybody who hasn't seen this movie), they eat a pizza that is cooked in something called the Hydrator.   They put in what is basically a bite-sized pizza and in just three seconds, a piping hot large comes right out.  It is never explained how the machine works but I assume it shoots water at food because Hydrator sounds like the name of a super-soaker.  How they didn't end up with pizza soup is a mystery to me.

Awesomeness Rating:  5 out of 10.

This thing makes a microwave look like the fat kid in gym class running the mile.

Chances of Happening by 2015:  2 out of 10.

I'm feeling generous with that 2 rating only because dehydrated food is a thing.  From 1950 to 1990, people seemed to think that in the future we would eat nothing but astronaut food.  Equally ridiculous is the idea that we would all be living on the moon, which coincidentally, doesn't have a large supply of water.  People from the past didn't think this one through.

4.  Hoverboards

Now for the heavy hitters!  If you don't know what scene this is from then you clearly have no heart.  Yes, heart!  You would know you have one because when it first appears, you go into cardiac arrest over the sheer excitement of how radical 2015 will be.  The only time I've been more excited is when I took a gremlin to a waterpark for a midnight snack.  Shit got real campy and ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.  Are you thinking what I am thinking?  Gremlins.  On.  Hoverboards.  I've already started the screenplay.  It's titled, "Gremlins to the Future:  The Adventure of Gizmo McFly."

Now imagine Marty as a Gremlin over that water and hijinks will ensue. 

Awesomeness Rating:  10 out of 10.

Do I even need to explain?  It's a skateboard without wheels.  It hovers (but not on water unless you got POWER) and that is enough to make up for the fact that I would totally own a pink one if it was the only color they came in.  I would ride it to 7-Eleven to play the arcade games and harass the store clerk.  I would ride it to the local diner to share a chocolate shake with my sweetie.  I would ride it to the drive-in theater even though you're not supposed to because uh oh, that's not a car!  I would also ride it to many other things I'm sure are not out dated references in 2012, never mind 2015.

Chances of Happening by 2015:  0.1 out of 10. 

I'm going to level with you.  Despite hover technology pretty much existing, and peaking at silly balloon ride status, this dream is dead.   I'm SURE scientists are spending their time on more IMPORTANT things like, doing a study to find out soot and methane is bad for global warming, doing another study to find out performance enhancing drugs improves performance, doing yet another study to find out if bigger breasted servers and bartenders get better tips, and writing an essay about why I should stop being so sarcastic.

5.  Flying Cars

This one predates Back to the Future Part 2 as the Delorean flies off in the final scene of the first movie.  It leaves the viewer thinking, "Flying cars?!?! I want that more than I want my penis back from that hooker who cut it off!"  And why not?  Who doesn't want a flying car?

 Particularly this one but I don't think it can drive anymore, never mind fly.

Awesomeness Rating:  -1,000,000 out of 10

I don't want a flying car! For that matter, nor do I want anybody else to have one.  Traffic is bad enough as it is.  Now imagine the worst traffic jam you have ever seen only now the vehicles are capable of travelling vertically.  It would be like Lord of the Flies with IED's. The amount of fuel to get a car airborne would basically turn each car into a bomb.  One fender bender in a traffic jam would probably be enough to start a chain reaction of explosions with enough power to destroy 2,000 Decepticons.   

To make matters worse, every accident results in two collisions.  Where do you think two cars colliding in mid-air are going to go?  Anytime you take a step outside, a ton of flaming metal could come crashing down on your head, and no, I'm not talking about an all gay Slayer cover band.  The most accurate portrayal of a 2015 with flying cars would be the old Atari game Missile Command, and last time I checked, it's not easy to buy ground-to-air rockets.  This is the one time when the Middle East would be better suited to handle new technology.

Chance of Happening by 2015:  0 out of 10.

Finally some good news.  Now flying trains?  That would be...something. 

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical.  The awesomeness rating of this article is 2.5 hoverboards.  Or if you're bad at math, 12.5 self tightening shoes.  

Follow me on Twitter.  Like the blog on Facebook.  Contact me at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...