Friday, August 19, 2011

Mocking All 50 States

Since I recently wrote a post addressing some misconceptions about Colorado and another two posts raging on stupid shit in Santa Fe, NM., I decided to make at least one enemy in every state of the nation my personal mission.

The blue zone is now the burn zone.

Here is my rundown of mocking every state in the union complete with what each states motto should be.

Alabama - “At least we are not Mississippi.”
Well known for being the center of the Civil Rights Movement, which is cool. In a coincidence that people frequently mistake as irony, Alabama is also known for being the center of the KKK revival during that same time, which is not cool. Pick a side Alabama. Or don’t since you would probably settle the conflict with a NASCAR race. Lame.

Alaska - “Not actually southwest of Mexico.”
Pretty much just a frozen wilderness filled with bears. Pretty sure that isn‘t even a joke. Also, the Palin family consists of 25% of the states total population.

Arizona - “Fuck it’s hot.”
Other than harsh immigration laws that seem to think every person of Mexican decent is secretly Tony Montana, The Grand Canyon is it’s claim to fame. Too bad the river that created the canyon is the Colorado river making it more of a gift. You’re welcome.

Arkansas - “If Kansas had like, some crazy dude that built an Ark. Boom!”
Arkansas sounds like some sort of Anti-Kansas. I assume if you were too slam Kansas and Arkansas into one another near the speed of light it would destroy the universe.

California - “The only state that matters apparently.”
Hey, remember that massive earthquake that everybody said was going to happen and sink California into the ocean? Me neither. The San Andreas Fault must have seen some of the disaster movies that came out of Hollywood and decided, “You know what? I’m not gonna.”

Colorado - “One of the square states.”
Did you know the actual motto for Colorado is “nothing without the deity”? Pretty ambiguous there. What deity are we talking about here? Oh…wait, it’s Colorado duh. The deity is obviously John Elway.

Connecticut - “The state that will fucking cut you or something.”
“Totally not Massachusetts” has as strange name so I think whoever named the colony was a violent mental patient. Somebody who’s two favorite things are cutting people and connect the dots. This state actually pays their school teachers well too. That must what stems the tide of serial killers.

Delaware - “George Washington!”
Seriously, I think the river is the most famous part of this state. Next.

Florida - “Americas Wang.”
This state is full of people who think with their dicks. Any time you ever read about some dumbass driving with her child in the bed of her truck, a 23 year old guy stealing a cardboard cutout of Justin Beiber from something called a record store or some skanks fighting over Doritos, it’s almost always in Florida. When a crime blog has Florida as one of its most popular tags, you know the state doesn‘t fuck around. Florida also doesn’t fuck around with common sense, decency or intelligence either since they elected a criminal as their governor. Need more evidence for Florida lunacy? Here is a guy who was arrested for stealing a bag of dildos. A BAG of dildos.

Georgia - “Not just dog fighting, anymore.”
This state probably has more confederate flags than books.

Hawaii - “All hail Vanglor, god of fire and sadness.”
Sure, I see. Pretend to be some magical island paradise to lure people in then BAM, another sacrifice to the old ones bound underneath the islands. No state with that many volcanoes should be trusted.

Idaho - “Yeah!”
The real motto for Idaho is “Let it be perpetual”. I can only assume this is referring to the amount of time people spend thinking about Idaho which is perpetually zero.

Illinois - “Lincoln would not have traded for Jay Cutler.”
Illinois is the state with the highest rate of robbery per capita. This figure is probably inflated due to the Cubs ability to rob any enjoyment their fans might have watching a game.

Indiana - “Suck my Manning!”
Supposedly there is some famous auto race here called the Indy 500 that isn’t a NASCAR event. Interesting. Maybe I should check it out sometime. I just hope they don’t drive in a circle for 6 hours.

Iowa - “We can out farm Nebraska any day of the week.”
Iowa has the oldest population which is weird considering how often people die from Methamphetamines.

Kansas - “Why is half of our namesake city in Missouri?”
Kansas is a fly over state because it has absolutely nothing to offer. Except growing our food. Thanks for that I guess but common. Kansas hasn’t been in the national spotlight since the Wizard of OZ which inexplicably tells the tale of a girl trying to get back home to KANSAS. Dirt bowl era Kansas.

Kentucky - “Whadcha louking aht? Dats me moonshine.”
Probably the #1 state in homemade distillery explosion accidents.

Louisiana - “It’s either New Orleans or the swamp really.”
Fun fact: The US bought Louisiana from freaking Napoleon. So in a weird way, boobs for beads is linked to a egomaniacal dictator with an inferiority complex. I guess those girls in the Girls Gone Wild videos really do have self esteem issues.

Maine - “Uh, Lobsters.”
It’s supposedly the dumbest state. I could see that. Not to hard to sit around waiting for a lobster to climb into a cage. That’s all everybody does there right?

Maryland - “St. Mary sure has a lot of shit named after her.”
Resting place for an assload of Civil War soldiers and well as an assload of inner city youth in Baltimore. What? I’ve seen The Wire.

Massachusetts - “Boston thinks it is wicked awesome.”
I know everybody thinks they are high and mighty now that even the Bruins won a championship but remember this; Jimmy Fallon is a Boston fan too.

Michigan - “Seeking employment.”
Well, Red Wing fans and Kid Rock resemble dog shit so it’s no wonder the state is such a wreck. I even have a scientific study to back me up.

Minnesota - “Kind of Canadian”
What the hell is up with this state? Minnesota built the worlds largest mall, at the time, for no real reason. They elected Sgt. Slaughter as governor because severe head trauma is good for decision making abilities. They call themselves the “State of Hockey” despite losing their original NHL team to Dallas. This is also the state with the most reported tornadoes which either means the Nordic gods are angry at the purple uniforms used to represent Vikings or people are drinking too much lake water and seeing clouds spinning.

Mississippi - “Last in everything.“
Get a grip Mississippi. There is no joke I could write which could be worse than what this state has already done to itself. This is the worst state for obesity, child poverty, infant mortality, median income, teen birthrate, and overall STD’s. I didn’t know Mississippi was located in Peru.

Missouri - “Gateway to anywhere outside of Missouri.”
Everything about Missouri seems to talk about people leaving Missouri. St. Louis has a faint smell of sewage so I guess that makes sense.

Montana - “Big state. Little to do.
There are a lot of states absolutely nobody cares about. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a decade long goat fucking epidemic going on here but news agencies have failed to report it due to the public’s indifference to Montana.

Nebraska - “Property of Monsanto.”
Considering corn is in literally everything, you would think Nebraska would be the richest state in the nation. Or at least it would be if all their citizens didn’t have to spend all that money on defense lawyers after beating up gay people. Too be fair, a passenger in a car can arrest the driver for a hate crime just by visiting Nebraska.

Nevada - “Give me your money.”
Is it any coincidence at all that Las Vegas just happens to exist in an area where it’s easy to hide a dead body? Didn’t think so.

New Hampshire - “State motto is not related to Die Hard.”
So, if the real motto is “Live Free or Die”, does New Hampshire execute every prisoner?

New Jersey - “Home of MTV hit shows and garbage. The two are not mutually exclusive.”
I’ve been to southern New Jersey before and every restaurant is Italian or seafood. The state is actively endorsing it’s own stereotype. Not sure what to make of that.

New Mexico - “Because old Mexico is too uppity.”
I already covered Santa Fe pretty heavily but I should point out that it might be jealous of Albuquerque. Not every city gets to be the punch line in a Bugs Bunny joke. Also, that is the only thing I know about Albuquerque.

New York - “The best of everything. What? You disagree? Want to fight about it?”
Whoa. New York City is it’s own state now?!?!

North Carolina - “Just another redneck state.”

North Dakota - “Just another boring great plains state.”
Fargo was a cool movie though. Incidentally, wood chippers are classified as a deadly weapon in the state.

Ohio - “Seeking employment harder than Michigan.”
I don’t know which city is more pathetic; Cleveland or Cincinnati. If Detroit was in Ohio, the state could change it’s name to the “Holy Trinity of Squalor”.

Oklahoma - “Want to buy our dirt?”
The state that was formally an entire Indian reservation on some quality land. Well, quality land if you’re a locust swarm. Classy federal government, real classy.

Oregon - “That other pacific coast state. No, no, no, the other one. NO, the other one.”
How does this state even have people living in it? If video games are to be believed, everybody who tried to move there died of Cholera.

Pennsylvania - “Little in the middle but she got much back”
Philadelphia was the original capital of the USA before DC was established. Philly is now only the capital for douchiest sports fans. I would tell them to pick on somebody their own size but they picked on Santa. He is closer to Mississippi citizen size.

Rhode Island - “Neither a road, nor an Island. Discuss.”
Home of Family Guy and uh….no seriously. This state is not an island. What black magic is this?

South Carolina - “More redneck than North Carolina.”
Yep. Also, probably the craziest state leading up to the Civil War. They were so pro slavery even their slaves had slaves.

South Dakota - “Home of Mt. Rushmore and Crazy Horse (to be completed in 2079).”
This is a state that decided to carve a giant sculpture into a mountain the Native Americans considered sacred, then tried to make it up to them by doing a sculpture of Crazy Horse in another sacred mountain. They would have preferred if the state just left the mountain the way it was. To make matter worse, I saw what was finished of the Crazy Horse monument about 15 years ago. It’s not much different now. What’s next? Are they going to tare down another sacred mountain and replace it with a statue of a corpse riddled with Smallpox?

Tennessee - “Kentucky moonshine plus Elvis.”
I have a distinct feeling Tennessee and Kentucky have been at war with each other for the last 200 years and nobody has bothered to do anything about it.

Texas - “Shit dang.”
Texas has the nations worst high school graduation rate. No wonder they consider secession a viable option to healthcare and black people. Not enough of their citizens learned about germs and think disease is caused by demons. I’m sure blood letting is still popular. Also, for a state that likes to talk about how badass it is, it’s real state motto for pussies is “friendship”.

Utah - “We hate you.”
Good luck finding a full strength beer in this state. It’s hard enough to get sex from one wife, never mind seven. It’s a little easier if you get them drunk first, but here even that is a chore. It’s no wonder Utah has the highest percentage of people who are porn addicts.

Vermont - “We got leaves.”
When the only thing I can think of off the top of my head about Vermont is “pretty leaves in the fall”, your tourism board needs a lot of work. Leaves? Are you kidding me? Not for this tree puncher.

Virginia - “Black people may or may not be related to Thomas Jefferson.”
Robert E. Lee single handedly prolonged the Civil War when he decided he loved Virginia SO much that he sided with the Confederacy and therefore gave the south the only competent US general. Virginia is like a Vegas hooker with HIV. It seduced a dude and it led to hundreds of thousands of deaths.

Washington - “Washington was not born here. Stop asking us Texas.”
Named after George despite having absolutely nothing to do with him. They should rename the state Cobain or maybe Grohl. At least that would be relevant.

West Virginia - “….durrrr. Orange….JUICE!”
If Virginia is a hooker with HIV, then West Virginia is her inbred, retarded half sister with syphilis. She is not a hooker though because no pimp wants to protect her when she goes running after an ice cream truck. Hookers that close to kids is a no win situation.”

Wisconsin - “Not Michigan you assholes.”
I’m never going to visit this state. This state is supposedly overrun by badgers. I’m not going to try and fight a badger unless I have a sufficient amount of mescaline in my system.

Wyoming - “No state here.”
There is only 5.1 people per square mile in Wyoming. That is 5.1 more people per square mile than Mars.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and lighthearted. While I present some sourced facts, most of it is just jokes. For example, the entire state of Mississippi is a joke.

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Friday, August 12, 2011

Bad Tippers With Worse Excuses.

There are two absolutes when it comes to working in the food industry. At least 90% of employees binge drink to cope with the pain and customers who are bad tippers are horrible, horrible people. One of these things has got to go. It’s unhealthy, ruins lives, makes you look like a jackass, and is a sign of our deteriorating society. Obviously, I’m talking about the bad tippers.

Bad tippers are either assholes or morons. There is no other option. The moron is too stupid to realize that their server is not the only person working on their order and that they are not the only customer in the building. The asshole has such an inflated sense of self worth that Donald Trump would look modest in comparison. Yet, bad tippers do not see themselves in either light so they make up excuses as to why they tip like a cruel 17th century monarch addressing a lowly peasant.

"Bring me a flogging of wine, wench!"

Here are some of the arguments I have seen from various online comment sections to support their shitty tipping. Since the economy is the main one recently, most revolve around that.

Excuse 1: The Business Man -“The economy is bad and everybody has to take a hit. I can’t afford to tip well.”

In reality you’re just a cheap asshole. You can’t afford the $5 tip but the $25 bill was just fine? If money is an issue, like this claim suggests, then the bigger amount should be more troubling. If you can’t afford the tip, why go to a place were tipping is standard? There are cheaper options available. That’s like buying a bottle of Grey Goose vodka and then complaining about the liquor tax.

Besides, blaming the economy for your poor tipping is like blaming the confederate flag for your racism. Poor tipping is behavioral. Last time I checked, the economy can’t be fixed from seeing a psychiatrist.

Which line shows my hatred for my father?

Excuse 1, Economy Corollary 1: “But I still have to eat. I have to buy food but the tip is too much”

Again, cheaper options. That same meal for $25 could be had at a fraction of the price if you bought the ingredients from the grocery store and made it yourself. Even if you can’t cook well, like me, there are still some things most people can still cook. Hard to fuck up a frozen pizza. Cavemen could somehow cook. Are you smarter th-AAHH no! Not going to do that joke. Damn you Geico.

Excuse 1, Economy Corollary 2:
“I don’t have the time. I would cook if I did.”

That’s what fast food is for. A good rule to live by that should be a law, “If you don’t have an hour then you don’t have time to go to a full service restaurant.” I don’t care if you once got in and out of an Applebee’s in 20 minutes. You were probably only the third table in the restaurant and Applebee’s food is barely above fast food quality anyway. Hope you enjoyed the 700% markup on the same lunch you could have had at Taco Bell.

Is it just me or has the quality of this restaurant really gone downhill?

Excuse 2: The Culture Warrior - “I want the US to pay workers a living wage like in Europe. I’m going to stop tipping so this change will occur.”

Slow down there Bono, shouldn’t you be in Africa or something? This person reminds me of the bloody tampon of a human being that complains about some random bullshit in any business to a low level employee thinking that somehow it will filter up to the top. Like the CEO cares what one of the 1,000’s of bartenders working in his company suggests from some dude who thought his margarita should have more Triple Sec. They don’t care about that and they don’t care if some dude stops tipping. Take your self righteous ass to a charity or something that would welcome the help. Oh yeah, you won’t. That would require work or, gasp, money.

Excuse 3: The Snob -
“I never get good service. I’ll tip when the service has exceeded my expectations.”

This customers standards are impossibly high on purpose so they don’t have to tip well, or at all. Any person who uses this argument is so full of shit I swear they just got untied from the back of a human centipede. They should wear a diaper around their mouth just to protect the rest of us from the shit they spew.

Sometimes, they write notes on the receipt for the server to see why they tipped bad. Providing more proof of being massive douche canoes, it ranges from failing to remove all the napkins before being served dessert (not every place is 5 star, nor should they be your highness) to thinking the server was “creepy” (only an acceptable excuse if your server is Snooki). I would show you a picture of the people who write these notes but my blog would be labeled a porn site from the pictures of dicks.

This Dick tips with the souls of children as commanded to him by the Necronomicon

By all means, tip less for shitty service. You should still leave some tip though as servers typically have to tip out hosts, bartenders, bussers, etc. many of which may have had nothing to do with your poor service. Also, make sure its actually their fault. Servers frequently get blamed for something that’s the kitchens fault or get blamed for the food taking just a little longer than normal only because the restaurant is packed. This should be common sense but the moron category of shitty tippers think servers are magic, other customers only exist in the server's reality, and that restaurant menus are “too difficult” so they try to order a pizza at a Mexican restaurant.

Excuse 4: The Rebel -
“Tipping is optional in my world bitch!”

This should be as good a time as any to mention servers remember bad tippers. They also tell their coworkers. Hopefully the rebel doesn’t like eating at a restaurant more than once because they will never get good service again. Why would the server bother if they know they are not going to get a good tip anyway?

Also, if it’s a restaurant in the diner or “crazy crap on the walls“ genre, they might get some added ingredients to their dish. Most other people would prefer to have the chef hold the dysentery. The rebel should have their priorities straightened out since vomiting violently for 24 hours is apparently better than tipping. At least they still have their $5, until they give up and spend it on Pepto-Bismol which does nothing for food poisoning.

Excuse 5: The Dinosaur - “Back in my day, we tipped 5% and you were happy to have it!”

Ohhhh man. This is the type of customer that not only tips shitty but takes an absurd amount of time to deal with. They request everything on the side, half of their order cooked a different way then the other half, substitute fries for ice cream, send food back when it’s prepared exactly as they ordered it, and complain to the manager about that damn rap music when it’s clearly adult contemporary on the radio. The biggest problem with them is not all old people are like this although, experienced servers can pick out this customer after the first thing they ask is, “Can you turn the heat up?”

There is one silver lining to this customer though. They probably won’t remember the details more than an hour after leaving. After eating, they will tell their friends about their “awful” experience at Joe’s Burgers & Beers despite Joe’s Burgers & Beers having closed it’s doors in 1984 and used to occupy the building a block away from the actual restaurant they ate in.

I swear they were open last month.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical, lighthearted, and opinionated. It's not supposed to be taken as fact. The vast majority of people tip just fine and are decent people. The rest have a special place in hell where THEY have to serve THEMSELVES for eternity.

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