Tuesday, July 5, 2011

4 Songs That Should be Banned from Karaoke

"Oooohhhh, lets go to karaoke", is often the last deciding factor in planning a night out for me. It settles the debate on what to do, where to go, but not why I am doing it. I sometimes begin to regret this decision after listening to a bad song, after another bad song, after a good song with a terrible singer, followed by a great song sung by a guy so drunk that all the words sound half elvish. Then, the coup de grace, I go up to sing a song only to realize alcohol does not make me a better singer and that the lyrics actually say "sad but true" and not "sex patrol". These are not my best nights.

Finally. Somebody understands the Karaoke/boning dynamic

Don't get me wrong. I don't hate karaoke. Sometimes I really enjoy it. What I can't stand is the songs I always hear and nobody can ever sing them well or even competently. These are the four songs that should be banned from karaoke.

1. Baby Got Back - Sir Mix-a-Lot.

A statement like, "99.9% of the world cannot get even half of these words right" is a pretty safe one to make without even having to look it up. People always attempt this song after deciding it would be funny 4 beers and 7 shots later. It's not funny and it never has been. Even their friends don't think it's all that funny after the first minute. It's like listening to a toddler try to recite Shakespearean poetry, it's just a jumbled mess.

The song itself isn't all that bad even if it's cheesy, complimentary to measurements that I don't think any women actually have, and was written for an easy paycheck. But the lyrics are really difficult and should not be attempted by anyone except for the most studied of students.

Restrooms for Sir Mix-A-Lot girlfriends.

Punishment for picking this song: You have to listen to this song, and only this song, every day for a year straight. That should be long enough to make somebody hate this song and also memorize the lyrics.

2. Black Velvet - Alannah Myles

The favorite song of cougars everywhere. If a woman picks this song beware, she is on the prowl and going to bum cigarettes off you. Either that, or this is a recently divorced woman who thinks this song is all about hating dudes even though it seems more relevant to a one night stand.

Look at this lyric. "The way he moved, it was a sin, so sweet and true. Always wanting more, he'd leave you longing for". Longing for black velvet, whatever the hell that is. According to the song, it's a new religion that has something to do with the south and little boy smiles. Not sure where the perceived man hate is since it almost looks like a song about some dude she met in a bar. Some dude, named Jesus.

Punishment for picking this song: 10 hours of having to talk to some philosophy major about "what it all means" for the cougar. 10 hours of watching Ice Road Truckers for the divorcee since I'm a dick.

3. Don't Stop Believing - Journey

By picking this song, this person is not so subtly implying that they don't want to do this alone and would like to unite the bar in song. Surprisingly, this has about a 50% success rate depending on the time of night. The later it is, the drunker people are and more willing to sing along or pick a fight with the singer for ruining Steve Perry's "classic".

This is the original hipster song for being a song nobody actually liked. People only liked this song ironically. Probably even more depressing is the fact that this song is pseudo-big now due to Glee, a horrifying prospect telling us that the only way to get big in the music industry is to have that show do a cover. Glee is the Oprah book club for music.

You see now that you are just a pawn

Also, it might just be the Colorado Avalanche fan in me but this song sucks even harder due to it's connection with Detroit Red Wing home games. That's right, Red Wing fans and Journey fans are one in the same. Also similar, arsonists.

Punishment for picking this song: You have to live in Detroit for a month. Wait, that might be a bit harsh. Okay, you just have to visit the city for a week.

4. Any Grease Song

I'm breaking my own rules here but seriously, every song in this movie is terrible. The movie itself sucks ass due to having one of the most improbable and convoluted plots ever. A love story about if their friends approve of dating someone from a different clique is not gripping stuff and is actually really shallow. Plus, why does the car inexplicably fly at the end of the movie? Why does Olivia Newton-John completely abandon her individuality for no apparent reason? Why could the punchline to every joke be "John Travolta"?

The song most likely picked is Summer Days, a duet usually sang by a couple in which at least one of them was forced into it and they accidentally sing each others parts. It also doesn't help that no matter how many people may argue the inverse, John Travolta cannot sing. If the person in the duet can't match the original, being Travolta's voice, it will suck. If they can, it will sound like somebody starting a car with a bad timing belt since Travolta is a Nazgul in The Lord of the Rings.

Travolta hates hobbits and corrupts good girls

Oh yeah, don't forget that screaming, whining, ear vomiting break down at the end of the song. The word "nights" is not spelled with an "uh" in the middle of it. It sounds like someone mutilating ferrets.

Punishment for picking this song: You have to watch the movie Battlefield Earth every time before watching Grease. It will give you perspective on John Travolta.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical. I hate the game not the player.

Follow me on Twitter. Contact me at jk47.foc@gmail.com

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