The Loudest Conspiracy Theories on the Internet Are All Stupid, Part 2

If you missed it, part one is here.

Before continuing with the next conspiracy theories, remember to read this on the secure connection in your Freedom Fighter Bunker.  It's the only place the CIA's spy satellites can't read your thoughts.

4.  Obama Birth Certificate.

It's not accurate to say Barack Obama is the first president to have his "natural-born citizenship" status questioned.  President Chester A Arthur (who?) was thought to be born in Canada after taking office when President Garfield (the cat?) was assassinated.  He was actually born in Vermont, but considering most US citizens grasp of Geography, I can understand the confusion.  Several other presidential candidates had their eligibility's questioned too, including Mitt Romney's father George Romney, who was born in Mexico to US parents.  This fact is hilarious in its own right considering the type of people who think Obama is Kenyan are mostly Republican, but the fact that George Romney was born there because his parents were running from anti-polygamist laws in the US, and that Romney eventually lost the nomination to Richard fucking Nixon, makes this the funniest thing I've ever read.  Don't shit where you eat if you know what I mean.  Also, George Romney looks like the villain in a Martin Scorsese film.

 "I'm not NOT saying I know the mafia.  I'm just saying..."  Via Wikimedia Commons.

The previous points aside, Birthers are so Flava Flav in love with the conspiracy theory that they continue to badger the issue, like badgers are wont to do I guess, even after Obama released his birth certificate.  The certificate that was released?  Fake, according to people who took a civil law class in community college once.  Too them, it's a forgery because Obama conspired to become president of the United States when he was an infant.  Damn those Kenyan babies and their evil schemes.  On the other hand, some Birthers think the birth certificate doesn't count because it's actually a "certificate of birth", which is a totally different thing somehow.  Yes, Obama isn't eligible because of syntax.  Surely a solid argument if I've ever heard one.

"Just between you and me, all Kenyan kids want to be President of the USA more than anything else, right after clean water."

Oh, I bet a lot of Birthers are racist.  (Yeah I went there).  Nobody really gives a shit about natural-born citizenship except political opponents who are too butt hurt to accept that a candidate who runs on a platform of "I hate all you damn bitches and your confusing vaginas" isn't very popular.  The law itself is pretty stupid and outdated too.  It made sense in the 18th Century, but a modern day American is no more or less American depending on where they were born.  It's just like dumping the fillings of a taco into a deep fried bowl is no more or less a salad.  The only real motivation here is racism, unless the Birthers want to enforce other pointless laws like whale hunting in Oklahoma or making sure everybody in Kentucky bathes at least once a year.  Actually, I'm pretty sure if Kentucky enforced that law, the entire state would be imprisoned. 

5.  UFO Crash at Roswell, NM and Area 51

I almost didn't include this granddaddy of conspiracy theories because mocking UFO enthusiasts is like picking on Forrest Gump.  They've been mocked a lot.  But hey, if it makes them feel better, they will become heroes when they kamikaze their F-16's into the invading alien ships on July 4th.   Then again, they would all be Randy Quaid and nobody wants that.  

It's not that believing in aliens is weird.  For example, I think aliens probably exist. But, do I think they have ever been to Earth?  Probably not.  UFO enthusiasts seem to have a gross misunderstanding of the logistics of space travel and the sheer mind grating, soul punching, "I am, therefore, I am broccoli" size of the universe.  Granted, it is harder to fully comprehend the size of the universe than it is for Juggalos to comprehend magnets, but you would think people really into aliens with anal dildo obsessions would know more about space travel.  But I guess the ignorance of UFO fans still makes sense when they continuously get disk shaped clouds, lightning, dirt on camera lenses, and Captain America doing some practice throws of his shield confused for UFO's. 

 The invaders are a lot smaller than I expected.  Via Geograph.

It's all probability with this conspiracy theory.  Isn't it more likely that if a UFO actually crashed at Roswell NM, then it was probably a human made UFO.  And maybe, just maybe, that UFO was one of the top secret aircraft being developed at Area 51 and that's why the wreckage was taken there?  "No!", crazy people say, "Of course not!  It's WAY more likely that ET crashed at Roswell, the Men in Black showed up to erase some memories, Will Smith punched the alien out then said 'welcome to earth', then they took the wreckage to Area 51 to learn how to make iPhones and weaponize face-huggers."  

I will say this.  The most famous group of conspiracy theorists aren't dangerous or anything.  People who believe a government cover-up of aliens isn't harming anything.  These next people on the other hand....

6.  Holocaust Denial

No reason to beat around the bush on this one, (badger the issue?  beat around the bush?  Who am I today?), a vast majority of holocaust deniers are Neo-Nazis.  So unlike most conspiracy theorists who are just dumb and are in denial when shown conflicting evidence, these guys can go fuck a fire ant colony.  I hope one day they find out that their real father was that Jewish mailman mom cheated on dad with.  

The thing is, these people know a Neo-Nazi recruitment video looks a lot better if it doesn't say anything about mass murder.  I think these people know the Holocaust happened but deny it to anybody who isn't a Neo-Nazi because the "Hitler was just misunderstood" angle hasn't been working.  Their argument basically says that everybody else is a conspiracy theorist for believing that the Holocaust happened, making holocaust denial the anti-anti-conspiracy theory for pieces of shit.  So I guess believing six million people just fucking vanished is totally sane.  Also, Israel doesn't exist and I hate myself.

 Myth

The only reason I'm including this on the list is because it's louder than it should be on the Internet.  Most of it is people pointing out these assholes to sane people, (which I guess I'm doing....aw, shit), but I don't know why anybody is shocked to find Neo-Nazi's pushing psychotic propaganda.  It's kind of what they do.  Not to mention, it's kind of hard coming up with jokes for this entry since the punchline to every joke could be, "at least they aren't Nazi's".  It's the one group of people that if you compare them to Hitler, they take it as a complement.  I can't compete with that.


Disclaimer:  This article is mostly satirical.  Neo-Nazi's really can go fuck a fire ant colony though, or better yet, a literal fire.  

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The Loudest Conspiracy Theories on the Internet Are All Stupid, Part 1

Before the Internet, people who believed in conspiracy theories were limited to putting on the tin foil hat and exposing their beliefs on street corners, ham radios and to the poor sap working the graveyard shift at 7-11.  They still do that today to some degree, but the Internet gives them plenty of avenues to spill their crazy idea vomit bags to a much larger audience that mostly laughs at them. 

Fox News is thinking of picking him up in syndication.
 

Conspiracy theories seem to thrive on the Internet since they are so easy to find.  Hell, sometimes they pop up in places where they don't belong like virtually any comment section to any Youtube video.  Here is three of the six loudest conspiracy theories on the Internet and why they are stupid.

1.  Moon Landing Hoax

Had 2001: A Space Odyssey not been released a year before the 1969 moon landing, this conspiracy theory probably wouldn't even exist.  Even then, this theory should have as many fans as the season 2 winner of American Idol.  You know, whats his face.  I think he was named after a sandwich or something.

The people who believe this are...Soviets?  In Soviet Russia, Moon Landing hoaxes you?  Probably from the laughable rocket exploding on the launch platform?  I have no idea.  I honestly don't know why anybody would believe this or why anybody would care.  Even if it was a hoax, what difference does it make today?  I think Russia is over it.  These people are probably bitter that NASA doesn't hire astronauts too often and all of their childhood dreams of meeting lizard people on the moon were dashed.  Or maybe they still think the Moon is made of cheese and they just had a bitchen idea for Moon nachos.

 "On second thought, I think it's a rock.  A BIG rock, but a rock nonetheless."

You've probably heard of the Mythbusters episode that totally destroyed this theories evidence with real science instead of "the voices in my head" science, but even that is approximately the 7 Billionth time the conspiracy theory has been debunked. I guess I can't complain about their loyalty to bullshit but you would think they would be better off wasting their time on the 2nd, 3rd, and 17th shooters of JFK's assassination.

Also, NASA completed five more Moon landings after the first one, making one hoax somehow six because why the hell not?  Conspiracy theorists tend to get moon landing's confused and mix up the video footage, but that's only after they first get the footage confused with old episodes of I Love Lucy.  I wouldn't be surprised if there was a theory that the 3rd moon landing was staged just to convince people that Ricky Ricardo was an astronaut. 

2.  Illuminati - Freemasons - New World Order - etc.

These secretive, shadowy organizations who secretly run the world from the shadows of their secret shadow world of shadows make up the funnest conspiracy theories.  And you can barely call them theories, plural, since they all pretty much make up the same "I think I'm being WATCHED!" nonsense.  It's really like the plot of a movie, especially considering there is a ton of movies like The Da Vinci Code, The Skulls, and uh, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider that feature this very thing.  Whatever this secret organization is that controls everything, they may or may not be involved in surveillance, assassinations, coups d'etat, drug trafficking, mind control, time travel, demon cloning, ghost whispering, robot racing, alien sexing, beer bogarting, and of course, stonecuttering.

I knew it!

People believe in this because it helps the random, chaotic, nature of the world to make sense by it all following some master plan.  A plan, to what, I have no idea but a stupid plan is better than no plan right?  I can only assume the shadow governments end goal is to carve their symbol into the Moon with a giant laser.  It's only fitting.  And where the United Nations fit into all this is especially confusing considering they seem to spend most of their time arguing over who has to go talk to that insane guy in North Korea.  He seems to be deviating from the plan.

Those whose Youtube channels haven't been shut down by The Man (yet), are truly our most noble warriors of truth.  It's surprising that the evil shadow government hasn't shipped these people off to Guantanamo Bay because they know too much.  You would think an enormously powerful, evil entity wouldn't put up with dissenters but what do I know?  Keep fighting the good fight people who are probably also anarchists and just happen to be really, really, angry from a speeding ticket they got eight years ago.  This injustice cannot stand!

 Latin for, "Pyramids are cool".

3.  9/11 was an inside job.

9/11 Truthers might have a better argument, and by better, I mean less poison frog licking insane, if they all agreed on the theory.  Opinions range from the US Government knowing about the hijackers from the get go, kind of like how they let Pearl Harbor happen, too believing the military did it themselves with cruise missiles that, get this, had fucking holograms of airplanes around them.  I guess we know where Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre got the technology for that 2-Pac hologram.  The only thing they seem to agree on is controlled demolitions inside the towers but that would require a level of competency completely unheard of from the US Government.

The magazine Popular Mechanics pretty soundly debunked the idea for controlled demolitions but experts don't know what they are talking about when they talk about a subject they've spent decades studying according to 9/11 Truthers.  Engineers are nothing compared to "Freedom Engineers" (copyright pending).  It's not like a demolition that size would require several years of prep work by a huge crew that were hired in secret, would have to work only at night to avoid suspicion from the 100,000 employees in the buildings, avoid security and police wondering what the hell is going on in the middle of the night, somehow mask the minimum 10,000 bombs from the bomb sniffing dogs who were brought in regularly, and not leave a trace of evidence that the crews were tearing down walls then re-plastering them in one night to reach the support beams to attach the bombs too.  TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE.  Yeah, and I'm the King of Norway.

Dude, he totally called 9/11 before it happened!  Everybody listen to him!  

The biggest problem for 9/11 Truthers is the cover-up aspect.  The government would have to bribe a ton of people, like, more than the population of Jugville Kentucky.  And yet, nobody came forward?  Not one!?.... Ahhhh whatever.  It's not like it would only take one person to walk up to any major media outlet and show them the bribe check they got from the government too become the biggest national hero since Aunt Jemima (her pancakes were a big deal yo!).  Good thing there is absolutely nobody in America that would want the massive amounts of fame, money, and demi-god like stature in society if they told somebody.  Right Truthers? 


Part 2 is here. 

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and....Ruben Studdard!  That was the guy who won season 2 of American Idol.  Man, that was going to bother me for days.  

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Snow White is Really Popular Right Now For Some Reason

After watching a trailer for the upcoming movie Snow White and The Huntsman, something came to mind other than the sudden urge to bathe in milk.  It's that this is the third Snow White related thing to happen in the last year.  One TV show, two movies, and I assume a ton of bitterness coming from Disney.  I know how several studios can all do this, (Snow White, along with most fairy tales, is public domain) the question is why?

This King Arthur movie looks weird.

I can only assume a bunch of Hollywood executives got together around a mountain of cocaine, remarked about how "white" it is, then starting throwing it into the air to make it "snow" cocaine.  Then, of course, they all got into an argument about who could do the most Snow White, got confused, and started dry humping the drugs.  When they sobered up, all they could remember was the Snow White part and the rest is history suffering withdrawal symptoms.

There is no way Hollywood decided to make these movies and the TV show due to consumer demand.  I can't think of a single person that once thought the Snow White mythology needed to be expanded upon.  Nobody thought they should give a back story to the magic mirror that includes a brief stint as Liberace's dressing room mirror.  No one pitched the idea that the Dark Queen should be a secret yachting enthusiast.  Someone has probably pitched an idea with a murderous eighth dwarf named Stabby who learns the error of his ways, escapes from prison, saves Snow White and kills the Dark Queen with the help of an army of ewoks.  That last one sounds like fan fiction written by either the worlds only Snow White/horror/Star Wars super fan or George Lucas.

 Now Snow White is an Asian dude.  Via a Travel Journal.

Apparently, the first law of modern filmmaking is, "Have we done a gritty reboot to ______ yet?"  Red Riding Hood got the fairy tale gritty reboot ball rolling with a terrible movie that I think was one of Babydoll's dreams in the movie Sucker Punch but with less cleavage.  Even though the movie did poorly and failed to turn a profit, Hollywood decided this was a demographic worth pursuing even if it's a demographic that didn't exist yet.

TV studios drew first blood on the Snow White front, a stain she is just really struggling to clean on her dress, by making Once Upon a Time.  It's not strictly about Snow White as it includes other fairy tale characters, but she is one of the main characters since it's her wedding in the first episode that starts this whole fairy-bore-tale that doesn't even feature dwarves.  Or fairies, for that matter.  Every episode stars Jennifer Morrison, who might be the first person to ever become a sheriff's deputy on the honor system, and an annoying little boy who seems to know everything because I hate him.  The show is mostly about those two trying to free the fairy tale characters trapped in the real world from a curse which is - and I just lost interest.  The show is doing well with viewers but, ahhh, man, MTV2's Sucker Free Countdown just started.  Thank you MTV2 for making my Sunday nights sucker free.  It was really a problem for a while.

....Aaaaand that is about all you see of the fairy tale land in a season. 

The show is boring.  The premise is intriguing, fairy tale characters in the real world, but it absolutely murders that premise by making the characters not know they are fairy tale characters.  I want to know how the actual Snow White would be like in the real world, not how she handles an identity crisis. 

The movie Mirror, Mirror has an identity crisis as a horrifying comedy-drama Bollywood musical according to everything I've read about it.  I won't see this movie, ever, but it's Snow White if you've ever wondered what it would be like if Julia Roberts played the Red Queen from Alice in Wonderland as the villain.  Also, it's tag line is "One Bad Apple".  Gritty reboot everybody.  Poison apple puns!

But, of course, the heavyweight hasn't come out yet.  Snow White and The Huntsman looks like Harry Potter with more actual magic instead of being limited to shooting lightning out of a wand.  And despite this movie feeling like "Red Riding Hood 2: The Wolf Dwarves of White Snow," maybe this movie will be good.  Thor is playing the huntsman!  Charlize Theron is...hot!  Kristen Stewart from Twilight is uh oh.  Snow White might fall in love with a vampire in high school.  But hey, maybe it's got a good director who can get the most out of her from the only work listed on his IMDB are you kidding me?!?!  Well that settles it.  You kids have fun.  I'll be over here waiting for that movie that is and isn't an Alien prequel because Ridley Scott is a secretive prick.

 I'm not sure what's going on here but at least there isn't fanciful dancing.

So only one of these Snow White adaptations is actually a gritty reboot, but done by a very rookie director, another is a movie that is so confused it reboots Snow White AS grit, and the other is a TV show that reboots Snow White as not Snow White.  Before long, another Snow White reboot will probably go into production that will be titled "Rain Black and The Seven Gimps".  The Good Queen will be the villain somehow and the magic mirror will be replaced by a magic bullet food processor.  Grit-tastic!

These just go to show, nerd opinions of Hollywood and TV not knowing what they are doing most of the time look stronger than ever.  These adaptions were not necessary and didn't even accomplish what they set out to do.  Oh, and I guess I didn't really answer why they decided "Snow White is popular, lets snort the shit out of some movies!" but the answer was probably always, "because Snow White is drugs isn't it?" anyway.


Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and I've never really cared for Snow White or any other fairy tales.  Although, if I WAS a big Snow White fan, I would be so angry right now you guys.

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A Review of 4 Awful Mothers Day Gifts

Mothers Day is coming up but just like with Valentines' Day, and especially Christmas, this "holiday" is filled with terrible gift options.  Or, at least I thought it was but searching for bad Mothers Day gifts proved to be harder than looking for a type of Hamburger Helper that won't give you dysentery.  I guess even heartless corporations who care about profit more than reconnecting with their Shia LaBeouf sons can't summon the courage to exploit their mothers.  What the hell?  Sack up evil corporations.  I have dumb humor posts to write.

However, human stupidity trumps evil every time so there are still a few terrible gifts that popped up in my search.  Here is four of the worst I found and these all came up after searching "Mothers Day Gifts".       

1.  "Oh, Baby!:  Pregnancy Tales from One Hot Mama to Another" book by Tia Mowry.

Future mothers can get in on the Mothers Day day fun too and probably should since they are hormonal monsters with a metric ton of worry baggage.  They worry about what to eat, about their appearance, and about how to quit drinking a liter of mouthwash a day without succumbing to the whiskey shakes.  It's so much worrying, that expecting mothers may look at other pregnant women for guidance.  Yes, because if there is anything an irrational, crazy pregnant lady understands, it's other irrational, crazy pregnant ladies.  This makes sense but it shouldn't.   

Luckily for those people who don't have friends who are pregnant when they are, Tia Mowry has written a book about being pregnant, while pregnant, and it's totally not about how fat you look.  Two things come to mind.  First of all, really?  One of the sisters from Sister, Sister wrote a book about, well, anything at all?  Secondly, the book's description on Amazon describes something called "vagina exercises", which is something that scares and excites me at the same time.  But considering the book is sponsored by the Style Channel, the book is probably mostly about maternity clothing and about how having morning sickness won't make you skinny.

Type of mom to buy for:  Expectant mothers who want advice from another mother who "tells it like it is".

2.  Mother and Child Necklace.

   

Aww, how cute.  These necklaces really show the connection between a mother and her children.  Well, as long as she doesn't have any more than three children since she is running out of limbs for her children to hang on too for dear life.  The design of these necklaces are not that great unless you want to show your appreciation of that time your mother saved you from falling to your death after that airplane had the doors blown off. 

What?  This totally happened to me.  I remember my bitch ass sister getting a hand while I had to grab an ankle!  But hey, at least that's a better fate than my brother Billy, who couldn't reach the other ankle due to my sisters hoop dress getting in the way.  Poor Billy.  He just wanted to see Lincoln, Nebraska.  

Type of mom to buy this for:  The moms who...okay, no mom has ever saved their kids from falling out of an airplane.  Instead, buy these for the mom of Sylvester Stallone's character in the movie Cliffhanger.

3.  Reasons I Love U Stones

This gift would be sentimental if it wasn't so, not.  Just not.  This gift is good for people who can't come up with a reason they love their mother that's longer than what can be written on a pinto bean.  Even then, the reasons on these stones are so obvious even Hallmark thinks they phoned it in.  

The reasons written on these stones include, "...for your honesty", "...because you love me", and "...because I just do!" Why these stones were written by Shakespeare!  But hey, why stop there?  There is so many more lessons of love they could have ripped off from Rainbow Bright cartoons.  What about loving your mother because she is so caring?  How about because she is motherly and does mom things a mom would do?  Or how about because your mother is such a lovingly lovely mother who just loves so much she eats happiness and shits Care Bears?  The author of these stones should have just started a novelty Twitter account that tweets nothing but pseudo-inspirational garbage.  Or, wait....maybe they found the author from one of those Twitter accounts. 

This gift could still be worthwhile if it was made out of fancy materials but it doesn't even get that right.  Think that bag is velvet or something?  Nope.  This is a faux-suede bag which admittedly is a suitable holding device for a faux-gift. But the stones right?  They have to be silver.  No, your mother is an ignorant slut who doesn't deserve silver.  That shit is nickel.  These stones cost less than pocket change and you can't even put them in a vending machine. 

Type of mom to buy this for:  Any mom in a Lifetime Original Movie or if your mom likes those "101 ways to give up on life" books.

4.  A Life Like Doll.

Ok.  Ok.  Maybe you think I'm just adding this because it's creepy and obviously the work of a serial killer.  I get that.  No really, I understand.  It's a low blow.  The first thing I think of is some Internet smart aleck who thought this would be a good gift to give to, say...a mother who lost their child.  Sick joke right?  But no.  This popped up from my search just like all the other gifts on this list.  I'm not the asshole here.

Or maybe I am because what the hell is that?  The doll breathes!  It has actual hair, possibly human hair!  And for the love of Wonder Woman, why would anybody give this to their mom?  "Here you go Mom.  I knew you always wanted that other kid but couldn't due to marrying the Hulk.  Apparently those gamma rays nuked his testicles.  I'm glad he is not my father, especially with the rage issues.  Happy Mothers Day!"

If the creator of these dolls purpose was to give people nightmares, than, mission accomplished douchebag!  I now hear the screams of children every time I close my eyes. 

Type of mom to buy this for:  Queen of the Damned.


Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and not based on fact.  I tells it like it is and there ain't no sister Mowry who can stop this firecracker, girlfriend!

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2012 Prediction Update: Tim Tebow's Virginity Has a Price

It looks like another one of my predictions for 2012 is taking a turn making news, and by news, I mean tabloid celebrity gossip vomit.  This time, it's the prediction that Tim Tebow will be involved in some sort of sex scandal this NFL offseason.  It hasn't happened yet, but I haven't given up on the vapid, attention seeking whores in society to stretch that pussy both figuratively and literally.

 "She told me to pet her pussy.  I thought she meant a cat.  Praise Jesus!"  Via Fotopedia.

About a week ago, hook-up/cheat on your wife site AshleyMadison.com put up a $1 million bounty for any woman who can prove to have taken Tebow's virginity.  Uh, whoa, hold on.  I had a deep sense of dread and genital crabs just wash over me.  Did I really just write that first sentence?  First, I can't believe an online hooker depot that specializes in cheating spouses is a thing that exists, especially with the repeated firebombings the website's home office must face.  Second, how many members does this site have to justify such a bounty?  You would think the website would need to hold onto that kind of money to help their members pay for their abortions.  Lastly, the fact that anybody cares about a 24 year-old man's virginity is the most pathetic thing since websites who help people cheat on their spouses.  Seriously, what the fuck?  This websites members are so pathetic, they can't even be cheating assholes without having to pay for help!

The thing is, I don't know if this bounty helps or hurts my prediction.  The only thing I predicted about a Tim Tebow sex scandal is that one would happen.  I left it purposely vague since I don't really understand gold-digging slut motivations, post college virgins, or ESPN's journalistic integrity.  So I guess an argument could be made either way.

We are all here to talk about boobs right?

The (short) argument that the bounty will help lead to a scandal.

Well, I didn't expect Tebow's virginity to be turned into a game show but that certainly might motivate some sluts to buy a vowel for his dick.  I don't know why, but I keep picturing cougars who want to "teach" Tebow how to be a "man".  And there are skanks who love big cash prizes but were considered too bat shit insane for The Bachelor.  So yeah, I think the bounty helps.  But...

The argument that the bounty will not help lead to a scandal

Providing proof would be more difficult than proving Tebow had anything to do with half of the Broncos wins last season.  The website likely wants the one thing that would make back that $1 million in a matter of hours; a sex tape.  That tape would break the Internet with thousands of evangelicals downloading it hoping it's not true and surely not because they harbor secret fuck fantasies about their messiah.  Although, half of them won't believe the sex tape exists when they download it and Tebow's penis looks suspiciously like malware.  ESPN will want a part of the gross fun too and consider launching a porn site so that they can provide a safe website to download it without viruses, but mainly so they can add commentary and analysis of Tebow's thrusting mechanics.

I guess it's not totally implausible that somebody could hide a camera in a hotel room, which will lead to a grainy, poor quality video.  The problem is getting Tebow in said hotel room.  He doesn't seem like much of a drinker.  Actually, I don't think he drinks at all.  That might be a good thing for his brand since a drunk Tebow would probably say some things about Jews that would make Mel Gibson say, "Whoa dude.  That's a little much don't you think?"  Without a drunk Tebow, the only way he goes into that hotel room is if the woman claims she needs to be "cured" from her evil homosexuality.

 "Now this is the 1,245th hit when searching 'Tebow gay'."

Also, getting involved with a website like AshleyMadison.com might kill any chance at a book deal, made for TV movie, a tour on the talk show circuit, and so on.  Although it will certainly help with the complete lack of death threats the woman is currently receiving from Tebow's cult-like psychotic fans.

In short, I'm thinking this prediction is going to fail but it certainly has some ammunition now.  The question is, will somebody pull the trigger?  And I mean actually pull the trigger like a Quarterback "pulls the trigger" on throwing a pass instead of tucking the ball away and running.  It's something Tebow doesn't know how to do very well.  That, and sexing a lady.


Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and uses the stereotype that all Evangelicals are hateful bigots.  This disclaimer assumes Evangelicals have no sense of humor, also a stereotype.

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