Wednesday, July 13, 2011

4 Misconceptions About Colorado

I have noticed over the years that people who have never been to my home state, Colorado, have some misconceptions about this state. That is fair, considering I have misconceptions about every state I have never been too, including a few I have been too, but here is four of the most common claims.

The yellow represents the state's egg yoke-like center

1. The weather is a never ending blizzard hurricane.

It’s almost as if Colorado is being confused for Alaska except Colorado is not known for daily bear attacks and giving our former governors crappy reality TV shows. Yesterday was 95 degrees. That is more Arizona than Alaska, the state that is actually close by. Arizona is close enough that Colorado can feel the sandy boner in Arizona’s pants rubbing up against Colorado’s ass.

At least it's not a cacti boner

Colorado seems to dip below zero for about a week in the winter but averages around 35 to 45 because Colorado is too laid back to give it‘s friends the cold shoulder. Hell, I think it was 70 for a few days last December. It's rarely too hot or too cold since Colorado doesn't like the Goldilocks fairy tale as much as other states.

It’s also sunny here about 300 days of the year, so overcast skies of rain or snow only stop by for quickies and sneak out in the morning. Only the mountains get a lot of snow but only in spurts. We could go weeks without snow. It’s pretty dry here but not as dry as Arizona who is going to get a sexual harassment lawsuit if it won’t stop humping my states leg. Actually, I think Arizona is on ecstasy. The dry humping. Asking us for water. Naming their cities after mythological birds. Yeah. I’m on to you Arizona.

2. The entire state is mountainous

Actually only about 40% or so I’d say. Most of the western half of the state is mountainous except for the farthest west parts which gradually turn into a desert with a hint of Mormonism. Speaking of which, I’m amazed Utah hasn’t ratted out on Arizona for it’s illicit drug use and sexually deviant acts. Utah is that weird kid in high school who nobody talked too and didn’t drink alcohol because he thought it would remove the magical powers of their underwear or something.

Vegas. So close yet so far from Utah

Denver is not in the mountains. It’s about 20 minutes away from the first mountains. To the east is just farmland or Kansas light. You would never know this, unless people actually bothered to look at a goddamn map, because Coloradans don’t talk about the eastern half of the state. There just isn’t anything to talk about unless you’re into farming, ranching, or meth labs.

3. The altitude makes it hard to breathe here.

If you are from sea level and you fly in then yes, at first you will feel a little short of breath. Your body adjusts though and after a few days you should breathe just fine. The air is supposedly cleaner due to the state being a mile high or more but I don’t buy into that entirely. It seems like the pollution just hangs out much lower and more in your face than in other cities.

One thing is true about the altitude though. It lowers your alcohol tolerance. I can drink anybody from sea level under the table. Anybody. The altitude also gives me superpowers where if I travel to sea level I can still out drink you due to me having to drink 750 drinks just to get a buzz. You can’t win sea dweller.

Mermaid cause of death: Alcohol poisoning due to trying to keep up with me

4. It's still the wild west

Not really. Would anyone consider the most expensive town in the US, Aspen, to be wild west? Well, maybe if Will Smith is hitting the slopes but that‘s beside the point. Denver is pretty damn modern. Boulder is for hippies, beatniks, and having the #1 party school (take that Harvard?). Colorado Springs is all about the Air Force and Christian extremism, which is actually the same thing. The mountain towns are kind of stereotypical all being ski towns, gambling towns, hot spring towns, or next to a state park. The rest still have a heavy wild west feel especially when about 12 of them are claiming to be the resting place of Buffalo Bill. Also, they're all haunted and shit.

Georgetown. All the ghosts in town are named George

My favorite, for comedy purposes, is the town of Dinosaur who renamed itself such after Dinosaur National Monument was founded. They also proceeded to rename all their streets after dinosaurs. Surprisingly, they did not pass a law banning all gas stations in town that are not Sinclairs, declare June 11th a holiday for the release date of Jurassic Park and rename all the dogs in town Rex. At least dinosaurs are real though, unlike some city in Arizona.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and I don't actually hate Arizona. Utah, on the other hand, sucks so hard it collects all the coins from my couch cushions in Colorado.

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