Friday, August 19, 2011

Mocking All 50 States

Since I recently wrote a post addressing some misconceptions about Colorado and another two posts raging on stupid shit in Santa Fe, NM., I decided to make at least one enemy in every state of the nation my personal mission.

The blue zone is now the burn zone.

Here is my rundown of mocking every state in the union complete with what each states motto should be.

Alabama - “At least we are not Mississippi.”
Well known for being the center of the Civil Rights Movement, which is cool. In a coincidence that people frequently mistake as irony, Alabama is also known for being the center of the KKK revival during that same time, which is not cool. Pick a side Alabama. Or don’t since you would probably settle the conflict with a NASCAR race. Lame.

Alaska - “Not actually southwest of Mexico.”
Pretty much just a frozen wilderness filled with bears. Pretty sure that isn‘t even a joke. Also, the Palin family consists of 25% of the states total population.

Arizona - “Fuck it’s hot.”
Other than harsh immigration laws that seem to think every person of Mexican decent is secretly Tony Montana, The Grand Canyon is it’s claim to fame. Too bad the river that created the canyon is the Colorado river making it more of a gift. You’re welcome.

Arkansas - “If Kansas had like, some crazy dude that built an Ark. Boom!”
Arkansas sounds like some sort of Anti-Kansas. I assume if you were too slam Kansas and Arkansas into one another near the speed of light it would destroy the universe.

California - “The only state that matters apparently.”
Hey, remember that massive earthquake that everybody said was going to happen and sink California into the ocean? Me neither. The San Andreas Fault must have seen some of the disaster movies that came out of Hollywood and decided, “You know what? I’m not gonna.”

Colorado - “One of the square states.”
Did you know the actual motto for Colorado is “nothing without the deity”? Pretty ambiguous there. What deity are we talking about here? Oh…wait, it’s Colorado duh. The deity is obviously John Elway.

Connecticut - “The state that will fucking cut you or something.”
“Totally not Massachusetts” has as strange name so I think whoever named the colony was a violent mental patient. Somebody who’s two favorite things are cutting people and connect the dots. This state actually pays their school teachers well too. That must what stems the tide of serial killers.

Delaware - “George Washington!”
Seriously, I think the river is the most famous part of this state. Next.

Florida - “Americas Wang.”
This state is full of people who think with their dicks. Any time you ever read about some dumbass driving with her child in the bed of her truck, a 23 year old guy stealing a cardboard cutout of Justin Beiber from something called a record store or some skanks fighting over Doritos, it’s almost always in Florida. When a crime blog has Florida as one of its most popular tags, you know the state doesn‘t fuck around. Florida also doesn’t fuck around with common sense, decency or intelligence either since they elected a criminal as their governor. Need more evidence for Florida lunacy? Here is a guy who was arrested for stealing a bag of dildos. A BAG of dildos.

Georgia - “Not just dog fighting, anymore.”
This state probably has more confederate flags than books.

Hawaii - “All hail Vanglor, god of fire and sadness.”
Sure, I see. Pretend to be some magical island paradise to lure people in then BAM, another sacrifice to the old ones bound underneath the islands. No state with that many volcanoes should be trusted.

Idaho - “Yeah!”
The real motto for Idaho is “Let it be perpetual”. I can only assume this is referring to the amount of time people spend thinking about Idaho which is perpetually zero.

Illinois - “Lincoln would not have traded for Jay Cutler.”
Illinois is the state with the highest rate of robbery per capita. This figure is probably inflated due to the Cubs ability to rob any enjoyment their fans might have watching a game.

Indiana - “Suck my Manning!”
Supposedly there is some famous auto race here called the Indy 500 that isn’t a NASCAR event. Interesting. Maybe I should check it out sometime. I just hope they don’t drive in a circle for 6 hours.

Iowa - “We can out farm Nebraska any day of the week.”
Iowa has the oldest population which is weird considering how often people die from Methamphetamines.

Kansas - “Why is half of our namesake city in Missouri?”
Kansas is a fly over state because it has absolutely nothing to offer. Except growing our food. Thanks for that I guess but common. Kansas hasn’t been in the national spotlight since the Wizard of OZ which inexplicably tells the tale of a girl trying to get back home to KANSAS. Dirt bowl era Kansas.

Kentucky - “Whadcha louking aht? Dats me moonshine.”
Probably the #1 state in homemade distillery explosion accidents.

Louisiana - “It’s either New Orleans or the swamp really.”
Fun fact: The US bought Louisiana from freaking Napoleon. So in a weird way, boobs for beads is linked to a egomaniacal dictator with an inferiority complex. I guess those girls in the Girls Gone Wild videos really do have self esteem issues.

Maine - “Uh, Lobsters.”
It’s supposedly the dumbest state. I could see that. Not to hard to sit around waiting for a lobster to climb into a cage. That’s all everybody does there right?

Maryland - “St. Mary sure has a lot of shit named after her.”
Resting place for an assload of Civil War soldiers and well as an assload of inner city youth in Baltimore. What? I’ve seen The Wire.

Massachusetts - “Boston thinks it is wicked awesome.”
I know everybody thinks they are high and mighty now that even the Bruins won a championship but remember this; Jimmy Fallon is a Boston fan too.

Michigan - “Seeking employment.”
Well, Red Wing fans and Kid Rock resemble dog shit so it’s no wonder the state is such a wreck. I even have a scientific study to back me up.

Minnesota - “Kind of Canadian”
What the hell is up with this state? Minnesota built the worlds largest mall, at the time, for no real reason. They elected Sgt. Slaughter as governor because severe head trauma is good for decision making abilities. They call themselves the “State of Hockey” despite losing their original NHL team to Dallas. This is also the state with the most reported tornadoes which either means the Nordic gods are angry at the purple uniforms used to represent Vikings or people are drinking too much lake water and seeing clouds spinning.

Mississippi - “Last in everything.“
Get a grip Mississippi. There is no joke I could write which could be worse than what this state has already done to itself. This is the worst state for obesity, child poverty, infant mortality, median income, teen birthrate, and overall STD’s. I didn’t know Mississippi was located in Peru.

Missouri - “Gateway to anywhere outside of Missouri.”
Everything about Missouri seems to talk about people leaving Missouri. St. Louis has a faint smell of sewage so I guess that makes sense.

Montana - “Big state. Little to do.
There are a lot of states absolutely nobody cares about. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a decade long goat fucking epidemic going on here but news agencies have failed to report it due to the public’s indifference to Montana.

Nebraska - “Property of Monsanto.”
Considering corn is in literally everything, you would think Nebraska would be the richest state in the nation. Or at least it would be if all their citizens didn’t have to spend all that money on defense lawyers after beating up gay people. Too be fair, a passenger in a car can arrest the driver for a hate crime just by visiting Nebraska.

Nevada - “Give me your money.”
Is it any coincidence at all that Las Vegas just happens to exist in an area where it’s easy to hide a dead body? Didn’t think so.

New Hampshire - “State motto is not related to Die Hard.”
So, if the real motto is “Live Free or Die”, does New Hampshire execute every prisoner?

New Jersey - “Home of MTV hit shows and garbage. The two are not mutually exclusive.”
I’ve been to southern New Jersey before and every restaurant is Italian or seafood. The state is actively endorsing it’s own stereotype. Not sure what to make of that.

New Mexico - “Because old Mexico is too uppity.”
I already covered Santa Fe pretty heavily but I should point out that it might be jealous of Albuquerque. Not every city gets to be the punch line in a Bugs Bunny joke. Also, that is the only thing I know about Albuquerque.

New York - “The best of everything. What? You disagree? Want to fight about it?”
Whoa. New York City is it’s own state now?!?!

North Carolina - “Just another redneck state.”

North Dakota - “Just another boring great plains state.”
Fargo was a cool movie though. Incidentally, wood chippers are classified as a deadly weapon in the state.

Ohio - “Seeking employment harder than Michigan.”
I don’t know which city is more pathetic; Cleveland or Cincinnati. If Detroit was in Ohio, the state could change it’s name to the “Holy Trinity of Squalor”.

Oklahoma - “Want to buy our dirt?”
The state that was formally an entire Indian reservation on some quality land. Well, quality land if you’re a locust swarm. Classy federal government, real classy.

Oregon - “That other pacific coast state. No, no, no, the other one. NO, the other one.”
How does this state even have people living in it? If video games are to be believed, everybody who tried to move there died of Cholera.

Pennsylvania - “Little in the middle but she got much back”
Philadelphia was the original capital of the USA before DC was established. Philly is now only the capital for douchiest sports fans. I would tell them to pick on somebody their own size but they picked on Santa. He is closer to Mississippi citizen size.

Rhode Island - “Neither a road, nor an Island. Discuss.”
Home of Family Guy and uh….no seriously. This state is not an island. What black magic is this?

South Carolina - “More redneck than North Carolina.”
Yep. Also, probably the craziest state leading up to the Civil War. They were so pro slavery even their slaves had slaves.

South Dakota - “Home of Mt. Rushmore and Crazy Horse (to be completed in 2079).”
This is a state that decided to carve a giant sculpture into a mountain the Native Americans considered sacred, then tried to make it up to them by doing a sculpture of Crazy Horse in another sacred mountain. They would have preferred if the state just left the mountain the way it was. To make matter worse, I saw what was finished of the Crazy Horse monument about 15 years ago. It’s not much different now. What’s next? Are they going to tare down another sacred mountain and replace it with a statue of a corpse riddled with Smallpox?

Tennessee - “Kentucky moonshine plus Elvis.”
I have a distinct feeling Tennessee and Kentucky have been at war with each other for the last 200 years and nobody has bothered to do anything about it.

Texas - “Shit dang.”
Texas has the nations worst high school graduation rate. No wonder they consider secession a viable option to healthcare and black people. Not enough of their citizens learned about germs and think disease is caused by demons. I’m sure blood letting is still popular. Also, for a state that likes to talk about how badass it is, it’s real state motto for pussies is “friendship”.

Utah - “We hate you.”
Good luck finding a full strength beer in this state. It’s hard enough to get sex from one wife, never mind seven. It’s a little easier if you get them drunk first, but here even that is a chore. It’s no wonder Utah has the highest percentage of people who are porn addicts.

Vermont - “We got leaves.”
When the only thing I can think of off the top of my head about Vermont is “pretty leaves in the fall”, your tourism board needs a lot of work. Leaves? Are you kidding me? Not for this tree puncher.

Virginia - “Black people may or may not be related to Thomas Jefferson.”
Robert E. Lee single handedly prolonged the Civil War when he decided he loved Virginia SO much that he sided with the Confederacy and therefore gave the south the only competent US general. Virginia is like a Vegas hooker with HIV. It seduced a dude and it led to hundreds of thousands of deaths.

Washington - “Washington was not born here. Stop asking us Texas.”
Named after George despite having absolutely nothing to do with him. They should rename the state Cobain or maybe Grohl. At least that would be relevant.

West Virginia - “….durrrr. Orange….JUICE!”
If Virginia is a hooker with HIV, then West Virginia is her inbred, retarded half sister with syphilis. She is not a hooker though because no pimp wants to protect her when she goes running after an ice cream truck. Hookers that close to kids is a no win situation.”

Wisconsin - “Not Michigan you assholes.”
I’m never going to visit this state. This state is supposedly overrun by badgers. I’m not going to try and fight a badger unless I have a sufficient amount of mescaline in my system.

Wyoming - “No state here.”
There is only 5.1 people per square mile in Wyoming. That is 5.1 more people per square mile than Mars.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and lighthearted. While I present some sourced facts, most of it is just jokes. For example, the entire state of Mississippi is a joke.

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