Sunday, September 4, 2011

No Longer Caring About Being Caught in a Bad Romance

I used to follow music really closely. I would know when the next Nine Inch Nails or Queens of the Stone Age album would be coming out, when they would be visiting Denver on tour, what other bands would be playing with them, and what groupies might confuse me for a band member so that I could sign their tits, "El Pene Grande". On the flip side of that coin, I would launch into an angry diatribe about pop music to anyone who would listen, thinking that somehow my superior intellect on the subject would expose pop stars for who and what they are as if the music industry is covering up the truth like an Area 51 weather balloon. I made it my mission to destroy the popularity of the not-so-manly boy bands and STD crusted pop star skanks so that a new Nirvana could rise up and take over. But then I realized there is a reason American Idol is so popular and my position is one in which I'm fighting an empire with a suggestion box.


Pop music is not, and never was, for people who know anything about music. It caters to the lowest common denominator of human intelligence so that it can attract as many people as possible. It's target audience is everybody (Or, more importantly, teenagers who actually spend a lot of money on music until they realize beer is a better investment).

Add in the fact that the internet has deluded the market with so much mediocrity that finding a great new band is about as likely as finding the ghost of Jimi Hendrix at a Jonas Brothers concert, I stopped caring. I still like and dislike certain bands, artists, and such. It just doesn't matter as much to me anymore. I am defeated. I cannot look enough like Mick Jagger for Ke$ha to listen to me.
Sing "Paint it Black"!

The reason I stopped caring is because there is no new Nirvana on the horizon. Nobody is going to come save the pop charts from looking like the collage of posters on a 16-year-old girls wall. Look at what each genre has.
  • Rock music doesn't make the pop charts anymore except for a one hit wonder every now and then. Oh, and also Nickelback, which I think is written for 40-year-old women in dive bars. If you like Nickelback you have failed as a human being having any valid opinion on anything.
  • Country music has always been mostly terrible because it absolutely refuses to break out of it's own little enclave. Taylor Swift and Carrie Underwood don't count. They are not country and people know it but won't admit it. They are pop stars with country flavor. They are like a crappy bottled juice drink that contains only 10% juice. They are the Sunny D of country music.
  • R&B and hip hop cross over so much they could easily apply for a domestic partnership. They are the two genres that said they were okay with Nelly singing "UH-UH-UH HEY" in a so called love song. That is about as heartfelt as screaming at squirrels. 80% of the artists in this genre are still singing/rapping about the same thing they were in the 90's, money and hoes, so I don't think this genre is going to reinvent itself anytime soon.
  • "Pop" music will only change if record company producers decide to change it. Which they won't since record companies learned the entirely wrong lesson from the piracy thing (just sue everybody) and have found out how to make money again. Besides, "Pop" music is king and when something goes stale they just recycle it rather than look for something new. Is the current crop of pop starlets like Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, and Ke$ha really any different then the late 90's explosion of Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Jessica Simpson? They are all just sex symbols with various degrees of singing talent, highly publicized trainwrecks, and the ability to make people question if having sex with them would be fatal. Note - I always thought calling this genre as "Pop" stupid. Technically, all music that is not orchestral is pop music. That would be like calling all caffeinated drinks coffee.
It appears we are stuck with the same music over and over again. No point fighting it. Old acts will disappear but new ones will come along to take their place and they will sound like updated versions of the same bleepidy-bloopidy my first kiss went a little something like...oh man, fuck 3OH!3.

"What? You think WE are douchebags! Well, you're right."

You know what, I take it back. All it took was a little 3OH!3, an embarrassment to my home state, to reignite the fire. Well, actually the fire might be from the burning sensation I feel every time I have to type a dollar sign to spell Ke$haaa-AH! GOD IT BURNS LIKE SYPHILIS!

I still don't care if pop music as a whole never changes but one thing must change. 3OH!3 can no longer be a part of it. Hopefully their 15 minutes of fame is over and their fourth album bombs so hard the President will have to propose building a memorial at the offices of their record label. I think people are starting to realize they are a massive mistake but just in case people don't get it, I better hammer the point home in an entire blog post devoted to them.

Disclaimer: This article is all opinion. Your music sucks. Bite me.

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