Saturday, September 24, 2011

Worst Wedding Ever

If you are anything like me, you made a lot of mistakes when you were 21 years old. You thought alcohol made you invincible, leading to several arrests from trying to steal police Segway PT's. You once got beat up at a strip club when you decided they would let you touch the stripers if you threw a colony of ants on them then immediately try to “swat” them off. Then there was the time your friend convinced you to store a dead Starbucks Barista in the trunk of your car, only to forget about him and donate your car to a church.

One mistake I did not make was get married, which is exactly what a 21 year old family member of mine and his 20 year old wife did a few weeks ago. And just like what you would expect from two immature kids, the wedding was as boring and incomprehensible as a Family Circus cartoon. I’ve seen more excitement and logic in a wedding between a hobo and a Fleshlight. This wedding did more to damage the institution of marriage than a homosexual neo-hippie sodomizing Charles Darwin while screaming “Allah is great”!

Is now a good time to mention, Satan makes me wet?
The ceremony started fine enough with the Groom and his 178 groomsmen standing next to him. They did not walk down the aisle with the bridesmaids because one of the kids might spring an accidental boner from touching a girls arm or something. Not sure why they did that but I’m glad since it would have taken two hours with so many people having to walk.

The bridal march is the first sign of the overall weirdness and amateur nature of this entire event. The groom and his groomsmen are already standing at the altar. When it comes time for the Bride to walk down the aisle, the song you expect to hear, “The Bridal March”, is not what starts playing. Instead, we hear The Beauty and the Beast theme because if there is one thing 20 year old girls really like, it‘s Celine Dion. Maybe the bride just views the groom as some sort of rage filled sasquatch prince who is magic and, uh, cleans a castle…breathes fire? I don’t remember. I outgrew Disney movies when I was TEN.

This man has still not outgrown Disney movies. At 31.
The ceremony is thankfully short, only lasting about 20 minutes. The weirdest part was the slide show we had to watch during it. It was the same type of slide show you would normally show at a funeral rather than a wedding and it had enough melodrama that it doubled at a CBS pilot to air this fall. The music selection for the slide show was some rock ballad from Three Days Grace, Breaking Benjamin, or Three Benjamin’s Gracing Nickelback, fuck if I know. At the time, I thought the song may have been intentionally cheesy but later realized I am giving the wedding planner far too much credit for planning a prom instead of a wedding.

The wedding reception drove the stupid train over a cliff. After the short ceremony, we had the lovely privilege of waiting an hour and 45 minutes for the bridal party (then just the bride and groom) to take pictures before we could eat. Normally I wouldn’t care but this was a dry reception. No bar equals no fun at a shitty wedding. Free booze brings people together just as effectively as booze brings cars and trees together. Without it, there was only coffee and a DJ playing 1970’s funk music to keep us entertained before we realized the photographer was probably paid by the hour and needed to die before he stretches this photo session until the heat death of the universe.

We have time for one more picttttttt.......
When we finally got to eat, the food provided was a taco bar. Not even a Chipotle or Qdoba quality taco bar either. For comparisons sake, I once went to a Mexican wedding which served some kick ass Mexican food including a delicious Carne Adobada which might be the best thing I have ever eaten. This wedding, however, was like going to a Mexican wedding catered by a drug cartel that uses the catering front to launder their drug money. Nobody would actually hire them to cook food but if you did, you might have to offer up the groomsmen as drug mules to pay them off. It would be the first time an unpaid catering bill would leave somebody dead and strung up on a bridge as a warning to the others.

I was told the groom originally wanted Taco Bell and McDonalds, presumably so that he could spend the rest of the night on the toilet. Classy. I’m sure every girls dream is to have their wedding catered by a restaurant normally visited at 2:00am. Even the CEO’s of those companies wouldn’t use their own food to cater their events. The caterers did their best to match that quality though as they had to replace the original food after it sat out for too long while the bride, groom, and photographer played grab ass by the train tracks (yes, they had some pictures taken by train tracks. No, I’m not even remotely kidding).
While waiting in line to punch my colon with what may or may not be real food, I got an up close look at the wedding cake. Holy shit, I think I could have made a better cake and I have never baked a cake in my life. The monstrosity was a three tiered cake with black and red frosting, making it look like OJ Simpson’s hands after he didn’t* kill his wife. If they bought this cake from a bakery, the pastry chef probably quit in disgust claiming to never play God again.

MMMMmmm. That cake looks lovely. Needs more cow blood though.

After eating, my patience was thin. The best man gave a decent toast, the highlight of the night, followed by a bridesmaid toast who treated the groom as if he was some Dungeons and Dragons nerd who rang the doorbell on a high school cheerleaders’ party. Then a ton of one-on-one dances to shitty country songs. By the time the wedding party had to dance, with each other, (Oh my! The groomsmen have to touch the bridesmaids now! Somebody is going to get pregnant!) my girlfriend and I split. I don’t dance without alcohol or 80’s music involved.

So, do I wish the bride and groom luck? I don’t think it would help. The Vegas over/under odds on this marriage is 3 years. Lay it all on the under. Once the groom realizes he could take his marriage to the Supreme Court, due to the pussy whipping being in violation of the eighth amendment, he is going to file for divorce as hard as he possibly can. Or, the bride might find out that magic is not real, and a real prince doesn’t consider fast food on par with Gordon Ramsey.

Disclaimer: This article is based on an actual event so names were left off to hide identities. This article is satirical and in good, albeit mocking, nature. If the bride and groom do find this, I apologize for nothing.

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