Friday, August 12, 2011

Bad Tippers With Worse Excuses.

There are two absolutes when it comes to working in the food industry. At least 90% of employees binge drink to cope with the pain and customers who are bad tippers are horrible, horrible people. One of these things has got to go. It’s unhealthy, ruins lives, makes you look like a jackass, and is a sign of our deteriorating society. Obviously, I’m talking about the bad tippers.

Bad tippers are either assholes or morons. There is no other option. The moron is too stupid to realize that their server is not the only person working on their order and that they are not the only customer in the building. The asshole has such an inflated sense of self worth that Donald Trump would look modest in comparison. Yet, bad tippers do not see themselves in either light so they make up excuses as to why they tip like a cruel 17th century monarch addressing a lowly peasant.

"Bring me a flogging of wine, wench!"

Here are some of the arguments I have seen from various online comment sections to support their shitty tipping. Since the economy is the main one recently, most revolve around that.

Excuse 1: The Business Man -“The economy is bad and everybody has to take a hit. I can’t afford to tip well.”

In reality you’re just a cheap asshole. You can’t afford the $5 tip but the $25 bill was just fine? If money is an issue, like this claim suggests, then the bigger amount should be more troubling. If you can’t afford the tip, why go to a place were tipping is standard? There are cheaper options available. That’s like buying a bottle of Grey Goose vodka and then complaining about the liquor tax.

Besides, blaming the economy for your poor tipping is like blaming the confederate flag for your racism. Poor tipping is behavioral. Last time I checked, the economy can’t be fixed from seeing a psychiatrist.

Which line shows my hatred for my father?

Excuse 1, Economy Corollary 1: “But I still have to eat. I have to buy food but the tip is too much”

Again, cheaper options. That same meal for $25 could be had at a fraction of the price if you bought the ingredients from the grocery store and made it yourself. Even if you can’t cook well, like me, there are still some things most people can still cook. Hard to fuck up a frozen pizza. Cavemen could somehow cook. Are you smarter th-AAHH no! Not going to do that joke. Damn you Geico.

Excuse 1, Economy Corollary 2:
“I don’t have the time. I would cook if I did.”

That’s what fast food is for. A good rule to live by that should be a law, “If you don’t have an hour then you don’t have time to go to a full service restaurant.” I don’t care if you once got in and out of an Applebee’s in 20 minutes. You were probably only the third table in the restaurant and Applebee’s food is barely above fast food quality anyway. Hope you enjoyed the 700% markup on the same lunch you could have had at Taco Bell.

Is it just me or has the quality of this restaurant really gone downhill?

Excuse 2: The Culture Warrior - “I want the US to pay workers a living wage like in Europe. I’m going to stop tipping so this change will occur.”

Slow down there Bono, shouldn’t you be in Africa or something? This person reminds me of the bloody tampon of a human being that complains about some random bullshit in any business to a low level employee thinking that somehow it will filter up to the top. Like the CEO cares what one of the 1,000’s of bartenders working in his company suggests from some dude who thought his margarita should have more Triple Sec. They don’t care about that and they don’t care if some dude stops tipping. Take your self righteous ass to a charity or something that would welcome the help. Oh yeah, you won’t. That would require work or, gasp, money.

Excuse 3: The Snob -
“I never get good service. I’ll tip when the service has exceeded my expectations.”

This customers standards are impossibly high on purpose so they don’t have to tip well, or at all. Any person who uses this argument is so full of shit I swear they just got untied from the back of a human centipede. They should wear a diaper around their mouth just to protect the rest of us from the shit they spew.

Sometimes, they write notes on the receipt for the server to see why they tipped bad. Providing more proof of being massive douche canoes, it ranges from failing to remove all the napkins before being served dessert (not every place is 5 star, nor should they be your highness) to thinking the server was “creepy” (only an acceptable excuse if your server is Snooki). I would show you a picture of the people who write these notes but my blog would be labeled a porn site from the pictures of dicks.

This Dick tips with the souls of children as commanded to him by the Necronomicon

By all means, tip less for shitty service. You should still leave some tip though as servers typically have to tip out hosts, bartenders, bussers, etc. many of which may have had nothing to do with your poor service. Also, make sure its actually their fault. Servers frequently get blamed for something that’s the kitchens fault or get blamed for the food taking just a little longer than normal only because the restaurant is packed. This should be common sense but the moron category of shitty tippers think servers are magic, other customers only exist in the server's reality, and that restaurant menus are “too difficult” so they try to order a pizza at a Mexican restaurant.

Excuse 4: The Rebel -
“Tipping is optional in my world bitch!”

This should be as good a time as any to mention servers remember bad tippers. They also tell their coworkers. Hopefully the rebel doesn’t like eating at a restaurant more than once because they will never get good service again. Why would the server bother if they know they are not going to get a good tip anyway?

Also, if it’s a restaurant in the diner or “crazy crap on the walls“ genre, they might get some added ingredients to their dish. Most other people would prefer to have the chef hold the dysentery. The rebel should have their priorities straightened out since vomiting violently for 24 hours is apparently better than tipping. At least they still have their $5, until they give up and spend it on Pepto-Bismol which does nothing for food poisoning.

Excuse 5: The Dinosaur - “Back in my day, we tipped 5% and you were happy to have it!”

Ohhhh man. This is the type of customer that not only tips shitty but takes an absurd amount of time to deal with. They request everything on the side, half of their order cooked a different way then the other half, substitute fries for ice cream, send food back when it’s prepared exactly as they ordered it, and complain to the manager about that damn rap music when it’s clearly adult contemporary on the radio. The biggest problem with them is not all old people are like this although, experienced servers can pick out this customer after the first thing they ask is, “Can you turn the heat up?”

There is one silver lining to this customer though. They probably won’t remember the details more than an hour after leaving. After eating, they will tell their friends about their “awful” experience at Joe’s Burgers & Beers despite Joe’s Burgers & Beers having closed it’s doors in 1984 and used to occupy the building a block away from the actual restaurant they ate in.

I swear they were open last month.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical, lighthearted, and opinionated. It's not supposed to be taken as fact. The vast majority of people tip just fine and are decent people. The rest have a special place in hell where THEY have to serve THEMSELVES for eternity.

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