Monday, May 14, 2012

Snow White is Really Popular Right Now For Some Reason

After watching a trailer for the upcoming movie Snow White and The Huntsman, something came to mind other than the sudden urge to bathe in milk.  It's that this is the third Snow White related thing to happen in the last year.  One TV show, two movies, and I assume a ton of bitterness coming from Disney.  I know how several studios can all do this, (Snow White, along with most fairy tales, is public domain) the question is why?

This King Arthur movie looks weird.

I can only assume a bunch of Hollywood executives got together around a mountain of cocaine, remarked about how "white" it is, then starting throwing it into the air to make it "snow" cocaine.  Then, of course, they all got into an argument about who could do the most Snow White, got confused, and started dry humping the drugs.  When they sobered up, all they could remember was the Snow White part and the rest is history suffering withdrawal symptoms.

There is no way Hollywood decided to make these movies and the TV show due to consumer demand.  I can't think of a single person that once thought the Snow White mythology needed to be expanded upon.  Nobody thought they should give a back story to the magic mirror that includes a brief stint as Liberace's dressing room mirror.  No one pitched the idea that the Dark Queen should be a secret yachting enthusiast.  Someone has probably pitched an idea with a murderous eighth dwarf named Stabby who learns the error of his ways, escapes from prison, saves Snow White and kills the Dark Queen with the help of an army of ewoks.  That last one sounds like fan fiction written by either the worlds only Snow White/horror/Star Wars super fan or George Lucas.

 Now Snow White is an Asian dude.  Via a Travel Journal.

Apparently, the first law of modern filmmaking is, "Have we done a gritty reboot to ______ yet?"  Red Riding Hood got the fairy tale gritty reboot ball rolling with a terrible movie that I think was one of Babydoll's dreams in the movie Sucker Punch but with less cleavage.  Even though the movie did poorly and failed to turn a profit, Hollywood decided this was a demographic worth pursuing even if it's a demographic that didn't exist yet.

TV studios drew first blood on the Snow White front, a stain she is just really struggling to clean on her dress, by making Once Upon a Time.  It's not strictly about Snow White as it includes other fairy tale characters, but she is one of the main characters since it's her wedding in the first episode that starts this whole fairy-bore-tale that doesn't even feature dwarves.  Or fairies, for that matter.  Every episode stars Jennifer Morrison, who might be the first person to ever become a sheriff's deputy on the honor system, and an annoying little boy who seems to know everything because I hate him.  The show is mostly about those two trying to free the fairy tale characters trapped in the real world from a curse which is - and I just lost interest.  The show is doing well with viewers but, ahhh, man, MTV2's Sucker Free Countdown just started.  Thank you MTV2 for making my Sunday nights sucker free.  It was really a problem for a while.

....Aaaaand that is about all you see of the fairy tale land in a season. 

The show is boring.  The premise is intriguing, fairy tale characters in the real world, but it absolutely murders that premise by making the characters not know they are fairy tale characters.  I want to know how the actual Snow White would be like in the real world, not how she handles an identity crisis. 

The movie Mirror, Mirror has an identity crisis as a horrifying comedy-drama Bollywood musical according to everything I've read about it.  I won't see this movie, ever, but it's Snow White if you've ever wondered what it would be like if Julia Roberts played the Red Queen from Alice in Wonderland as the villain.  Also, it's tag line is "One Bad Apple".  Gritty reboot everybody.  Poison apple puns!

But, of course, the heavyweight hasn't come out yet.  Snow White and The Huntsman looks like Harry Potter with more actual magic instead of being limited to shooting lightning out of a wand.  And despite this movie feeling like "Red Riding Hood 2: The Wolf Dwarves of White Snow," maybe this movie will be good.  Thor is playing the huntsman!  Charlize Theron!  Kristen Stewart from Twilight is uh oh.  Snow White might fall in love with a vampire in high school.  But hey, maybe it's got a good director who can get the most out of her from the only work listed on his IMDB are you kidding me?!?!  Well that settles it.  You kids have fun.  I'll be over here waiting for that movie that is and isn't an Alien prequel because Ridley Scott is a secretive prick.

 I'm not sure what's going on here but at least there isn't fanciful dancing.

So only one of these Snow White adaptations is actually a gritty reboot, but done by a very rookie director, another is a movie that is so confused it reboots Snow White AS grit, and the other is a TV show that reboots Snow White as not Snow White.  Before long, another Snow White reboot will probably go into production that will be titled "Rain Black and The Seven Gimps".  The Good Queen will be the villain somehow and the magic mirror will be replaced by a magic bullet food processor.  Grit-tastic!

These just go to show, nerd opinions of Hollywood and TV not knowing what they are doing most of the time look stronger than ever.  These adaptions were not necessary and didn't even accomplish what they set out to do.  Oh, and I guess I didn't really answer why they decided "Snow White is popular, lets snort the shit out of some movies!" but the answer was probably always, "because Snow White is drugs isn't it?" anyway.

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and I've never really cared for Snow White or any other fairy tales.  Although, if I WAS a big Snow White fan, I would be so angry right now you guys.

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