Monday, May 7, 2012

A Review of 4 Awful Mothers Day Gifts

Mothers Day is coming up but just like with Valentines' Day, and especially Christmas, this "holiday" is filled with terrible gift options.  Or, at least I thought it was but searching for bad Mothers Day gifts proved to be harder than looking for a type of Hamburger Helper that won't give you dysentery.  I guess even heartless corporations who care about profit more than reconnecting with their Shia LaBeouf sons can't summon the courage to exploit their mothers.  What the hell?  Sack up evil corporations.  I have dumb humor posts to write.

However, human stupidity trumps evil every time so there are still a few terrible gifts that popped up in my search.  Here is four of the worst I found and these all came up after searching "Mothers Day Gifts".       

1.  "Oh, Baby!:  Pregnancy Tales from One Hot Mama to Another" book by Tia Mowry.

Future mothers can get in on the Mothers Day day fun too and probably should since they are hormonal monsters with a metric ton of worry baggage.  They worry about what to eat, about their appearance, and about how to quit drinking a liter of mouthwash a day without succumbing to the whiskey shakes.  It's so much worrying, that expecting mothers may look at other pregnant women for guidance.  Yes, because if there is anything an irrational, crazy pregnant lady understands, it's other irrational, crazy pregnant ladies.  This makes sense but it shouldn't.   

Luckily for those people who don't have friends who are pregnant when they are, Tia Mowry has written a book about being pregnant, while pregnant, and it's totally not about how fat you look.  Two things come to mind.  First of all, really?  One of the sisters from Sister, Sister wrote a book about, well, anything at all?  Secondly, the book's description on Amazon describes something called "vagina exercises", which is something that scares and excites me at the same time.  But considering the book is sponsored by the Style Channel, the book is probably mostly about maternity clothing and about how having morning sickness won't make you skinny.

Type of mom to buy for:  Expectant mothers who want advice from another mother who "tells it like it is".

2.  Mother and Child Necklace.

Aww, how cute.  These necklaces really show the connection between a mother and her children.  Well, as long as she doesn't have any more than three children since she is running out of limbs for her children to hang on too for dear life.  The design of these necklaces are not that great unless you want to show your appreciation of that time your mother saved you from falling to your death after that airplane had the doors blown off. 

What?  This totally happened to me.  I remember my bitch ass sister getting a hand while I had to grab an ankle!  But hey, at least that's a better fate than my brother Billy, who couldn't reach the other ankle due to my sisters hoop dress getting in the way.  Poor Billy.  He just wanted to see Lincoln, Nebraska.  

Type of mom to buy this for:  The moms who...okay, no mom has ever saved their kids from falling out of an airplane.  Instead, buy these for the mom of Sylvester Stallone's character in the movie Cliffhanger.

3.  Reasons I Love U Stones

This gift would be sentimental if it wasn't so, not.  Just not.  This gift is good for people who can't come up with a reason they love their mother that's longer than what can be written on a pinto bean.  Even then, the reasons on these stones are so obvious even Hallmark thinks they phoned it in.  

The reasons written on these stones include, "...for your honesty", "...because you love me", and "...because I just do!" Why these stones were written by Shakespeare!  But hey, why stop there?  There is so many more lessons of love they could have ripped off from Rainbow Bright cartoons.  What about loving your mother because she is so caring?  How about because she is motherly and does mom things a mom would do?  Or how about because your mother is such a lovingly lovely mother who just loves so much she eats happiness and shits Care Bears?  The author of these stones should have just started a novelty Twitter account that tweets nothing but pseudo-inspirational garbage.  Or, wait....maybe they found the author from one of those Twitter accounts. 

This gift could still be worthwhile if it was made out of fancy materials but it doesn't even get that right.  Think that bag is velvet or something?  Nope.  This is a faux-suede bag which admittedly is a suitable holding device for a faux-gift. But the stones right?  They have to be silver.  No, your mother is an ignorant slut who doesn't deserve silver.  That shit is nickel.  These stones cost less than pocket change and you can't even put them in a vending machine. 

Type of mom to buy this for:  Any mom in a Lifetime Original Movie or if your mom likes those "101 ways to give up on life" books.

4.  A Life Like Doll.

Ok.  Ok.  Maybe you think I'm just adding this because it's creepy and obviously the work of a serial killer.  I get that.  No really, I understand.  It's a low blow.  The first thing I think of is some Internet smart aleck who thought this would be a good gift to give to, say...a mother who lost their child.  Sick joke right?  But no.  This popped up from my search just like all the other gifts on this list.  I'm not the asshole here.

Or maybe I am because what the hell is that?  The doll breathes!  It has actual hair, possibly human hair!  And for the love of Wonder Woman, why would anybody give this to their mom?  "Here you go Mom.  I knew you always wanted that other kid but couldn't due to marrying the Hulk.  Apparently those gamma rays nuked his testicles.  I'm glad he is not my father, especially with the rage issues.  Happy Mothers Day!"

If the creator of these dolls purpose was to give people nightmares, than, mission accomplished douchebag!  I now hear the screams of children every time I close my eyes. 

Type of mom to buy this for:  Queen of the Damned.

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and not based on fact.  I tells it like it is and there ain't no sister Mowry who can stop this firecracker, girlfriend!

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