Tuesday, May 1, 2012

2012 Prediction Update: Tim Tebow's Virginity Has a Price

It looks like another one of my predictions for 2012 is taking a turn making news, and by news, I mean tabloid celebrity gossip vomit.  This time, it's the prediction that Tim Tebow will be involved in some sort of sex scandal this NFL offseason.  It hasn't happened yet, but I haven't given up on the vapid, attention seeking whores in society to stretch that pussy both figuratively and literally.

 "She told me to pet her pussy.  I thought she meant a cat.  Praise Jesus!"  Via Fotopedia.

About a week ago, hook-up/cheat on your wife site AshleyMadison.com put up a $1 million bounty for any woman who can prove to have taken Tebow's virginity.  Uh, whoa, hold on.  I had a deep sense of dread and genital crabs just wash over me.  Did I really just write that first sentence?  First, I can't believe an online hooker depot that specializes in cheating spouses is a thing that exists, especially with the repeated firebombings the website's home office must face.  Second, how many members does this site have to justify such a bounty?  You would think the website would need to hold onto that kind of money to help their members pay for their abortions.  Lastly, the fact that anybody cares about a 24 year-old man's virginity is the most pathetic thing since websites who help people cheat on their spouses.  Seriously, what the fuck?  This websites members are so pathetic, they can't even be cheating assholes without having to pay for help!

The thing is, I don't know if this bounty helps or hurts my prediction.  The only thing I predicted about a Tim Tebow sex scandal is that one would happen.  I left it purposely vague since I don't really understand gold-digging slut motivations, post college virgins, or ESPN's journalistic integrity.  So I guess an argument could be made either way.

We are all here to talk about boobs right?

The (short) argument that the bounty will help lead to a scandal.

Well, I didn't expect Tebow's virginity to be turned into a game show but that certainly might motivate some sluts to buy a vowel for his dick.  I don't know why, but I keep picturing cougars who want to "teach" Tebow how to be a "man".  And there are skanks who love big cash prizes but were considered too bat shit insane for The Bachelor.  So yeah, I think the bounty helps.  But...

The argument that the bounty will not help lead to a scandal

Providing proof would be more difficult than proving Tebow had anything to do with half of the Broncos wins last season.  The website likely wants the one thing that would make back that $1 million in a matter of hours; a sex tape.  That tape would break the Internet with thousands of evangelicals downloading it hoping it's not true and surely not because they harbor secret fuck fantasies about their messiah.  Although, half of them won't believe the sex tape exists when they download it and Tebow's penis looks suspiciously like malware.  ESPN will want a part of the gross fun too and consider launching a porn site so that they can provide a safe website to download it without viruses, but mainly so they can add commentary and analysis of Tebow's thrusting mechanics.

I guess it's not totally implausible that somebody could hide a camera in a hotel room, which will lead to a grainy, poor quality video.  The problem is getting Tebow in said hotel room.  He doesn't seem like much of a drinker.  Actually, I don't think he drinks at all.  That might be a good thing for his brand since a drunk Tebow would probably say some things about Jews that would make Mel Gibson say, "Whoa dude.  That's a little much don't you think?"  Without a drunk Tebow, the only way he goes into that hotel room is if the woman claims she needs to be "cured" from her evil homosexuality.

 "Now this is the 1,245th hit when searching 'Tebow gay'."

Also, getting involved with a website like AshleyMadison.com might kill any chance at a book deal, made for TV movie, a tour on the talk show circuit, and so on.  Although it will certainly help with the complete lack of death threats the woman is currently receiving from Tebow's cult-like psychotic fans.

In short, I'm thinking this prediction is going to fail but it certainly has some ammunition now.  The question is, will somebody pull the trigger?  And I mean actually pull the trigger like a Quarterback "pulls the trigger" on throwing a pass instead of tucking the ball away and running.  It's something Tebow doesn't know how to do very well.  That, and sexing a lady.

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and uses the stereotype that all Evangelicals are hateful bigots.  This disclaimer assumes Evangelicals have no sense of humor, also a stereotype.

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