Monday, May 21, 2012

The Loudest Conspiracy Theories on the Internet Are All Stupid, Part 1

Before the Internet, people who believed in conspiracy theories were limited to putting on the tin foil hat and exposing their beliefs on street corners, ham radios and to the poor sap working the graveyard shift at 7-11.  They still do that today to some degree, but the Internet gives them plenty of avenues to spill their crazy idea vomit bags to a much larger audience that mostly laughs at them. 

Fox News is thinking of picking him up in syndication.
Conspiracy theories seem to thrive on the Internet since they are so easy to find.  Hell, sometimes they pop up in places where they don't belong like virtually any comment section to any Youtube video.  Here is three of the six loudest conspiracy theories on the Internet and why they are stupid.

1.  Moon Landing Hoax

Had 2001: A Space Odyssey not been released a year before the 1969 moon landing, this conspiracy theory probably wouldn't even exist.  Even then, this theory should have as many fans as the season 2 winner of American Idol.  You know, whats his face.  I think he was named after a sandwich or something.

The people who believe this are...Soviets?  In Soviet Russia, Moon Landing hoaxes you?  Probably from the laughable rocket exploding on the launch platform?  I have no idea.  I honestly don't know why anybody would believe this or why anybody would care.  Even if it was a hoax, what difference does it make today?  I think Russia is over it.  These people are probably bitter that NASA doesn't hire astronauts too often and all of their childhood dreams of meeting lizard people on the moon were dashed.  Or maybe they still think the Moon is made of cheese and they just had a bitchen idea for Moon nachos.

 "On second thought, I think it's a rock.  A BIG rock, but a rock nonetheless."

You've probably heard of the Mythbusters episode that totally destroyed this theories evidence with real science instead of "the voices in my head" science, but even that is approximately the 7 Billionth time the conspiracy theory has been debunked. I guess I can't complain about their loyalty to bullshit but you would think they would be better off wasting their time on the 2nd, 3rd, and 17th shooters of JFK's assassination.

Also, NASA completed five more Moon landings after the first one, making one hoax somehow six because why the hell not?  Conspiracy theorists tend to get moon landing's confused and mix up the video footage, but that's only after they first get the footage confused with old episodes of I Love Lucy.  I wouldn't be surprised if there was a theory that the 3rd moon landing was staged just to convince people that Ricky Ricardo was an astronaut. 

2.  Illuminati - Freemasons - New World Order - etc.

These secretive, shadowy organizations who secretly run the world from the shadows of their secret shadow world of shadows make up the funnest conspiracy theories.  And you can barely call them theories, plural, since they all pretty much make up the same "I think I'm being WATCHED!" nonsense.  It's really like the plot of a movie, especially considering there is a ton of movies like The Da Vinci Code, The Skulls, and uh, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider that feature this very thing.  Whatever this secret organization is that controls everything, they may or may not be involved in surveillance, assassinations, coups d'etat, drug trafficking, mind control, time travel, demon cloning, ghost whispering, robot racing, alien sexing, beer bogarting, and of course, stonecuttering.

I knew it!

People believe in this because it helps the random, chaotic, nature of the world to make sense by it all following some master plan.  A plan, to what, I have no idea but a stupid plan is better than no plan right?  I can only assume the shadow governments end goal is to carve their symbol into the Moon with a giant laser.  It's only fitting.  And where the United Nations fit into all this is especially confusing considering they seem to spend most of their time arguing over who has to go talk to that insane guy in North Korea.  He seems to be deviating from the plan.

Those whose Youtube channels haven't been shut down by The Man (yet), are truly our most noble warriors of truth.  It's surprising that the evil shadow government hasn't shipped these people off to Guantanamo Bay because they know too much.  You would think an enormously powerful, evil entity wouldn't put up with dissenters but what do I know?  Keep fighting the good fight people who are probably also anarchists and just happen to be really, really, angry from a speeding ticket they got eight years ago.  This injustice cannot stand!

 Latin for, "Pyramids are cool".

3.  9/11 was an inside job.

9/11 Truthers might have a better argument, and by better, I mean less poison frog licking insane, if they all agreed on the theory.  Opinions range from the US Government knowing about the hijackers from the get go, kind of like how they let Pearl Harbor happen, too believing the military did it themselves with cruise missiles that, get this, had fucking holograms of airplanes around them.  I guess we know where Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre got the technology for that 2-Pac hologram.  The only thing they seem to agree on is controlled demolitions inside the towers but that would require a level of competency completely unheard of from the US Government.

The magazine Popular Mechanics pretty soundly debunked the idea for controlled demolitions but experts don't know what they are talking about when they talk about a subject they've spent decades studying according to 9/11 Truthers.  Engineers are nothing compared to "Freedom Engineers" (copyright pending).  It's not like a demolition that size would require several years of prep work by a huge crew that were hired in secret, would have to work only at night to avoid suspicion from the 100,000 employees in the buildings, avoid security and police wondering what the hell is going on in the middle of the night, somehow mask the minimum 10,000 bombs from the bomb sniffing dogs who were brought in regularly, and not leave a trace of evidence that the crews were tearing down walls then re-plastering them in one night to reach the support beams to attach the bombs too.  TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE.  Yeah, and I'm the King of Norway.

Dude, he totally called 9/11 before it happened!  Everybody listen to him!  

The biggest problem for 9/11 Truthers is the cover-up aspect.  The government would have to bribe a ton of people, like, more than the population of Jugville Kentucky.  And yet, nobody came forward?  Not one!?.... Ahhhh whatever.  It's not like it would only take one person to walk up to any major media outlet and show them the bribe check they got from the government too become the biggest national hero since Aunt Jemima (her pancakes were a big deal yo!).  Good thing there is absolutely nobody in America that would want the massive amounts of fame, money, and demi-god like stature in society if they told somebody.  Right Truthers? 

Part 2 is here. 

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and....Ruben Studdard!  That was the guy who won season 2 of American Idol.  Man, that was going to bother me for days.  

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