Monday, May 28, 2012

The Loudest Conspiracy Theories on the Internet Are All Stupid, Part 2

If you missed it, part one is here.

Before continuing with the next conspiracy theories, remember to read this on the secure connection in your Freedom Fighter Bunker.  It's the only place the CIA's spy satellites can't read your thoughts.

4.  Obama Birth Certificate.

It's not accurate to say Barack Obama is the first president to have his "natural-born citizenship" status questioned.  President Chester A Arthur (who?) was thought to be born in Canada after taking office when President Garfield (the cat?) was assassinated.  He was actually born in Vermont, but considering most US citizens grasp of Geography, I can understand the confusion.  Several other presidential candidates had their eligibility's questioned too, including Mitt Romney's father George Romney, who was born in Mexico to US parents.  This fact is hilarious in its own right considering the type of people who think Obama is Kenyan are mostly Republican, but the fact that George Romney was born there because his parents were running from anti-polygamist laws in the US, and that Romney eventually lost the nomination to Richard fucking Nixon, makes this the funniest thing I've ever read.  Don't shit where you eat if you know what I mean.  Also, George Romney looks like the villain in a Martin Scorsese film.

 "I'm not NOT saying I know the mafia.  I'm just saying..."  Via Wikimedia Commons.

The previous points aside, Birthers are so Flava Flav in love with the conspiracy theory that they continue to badger the issue, like badgers are wont to do I guess, even after Obama released his birth certificate.  The certificate that was released?  Fake, according to people who took a civil law class in community college once.  Too them, it's a forgery because Obama conspired to become president of the United States when he was an infant.  Damn those Kenyan babies and their evil schemes.  On the other hand, some Birthers think the birth certificate doesn't count because it's actually a "certificate of birth", which is a totally different thing somehow.  Yes, Obama isn't eligible because of syntax.  Surely a solid argument if I've ever heard one.

"Just between you and me, all Kenyan kids want to be President of the USA more than anything else, right after clean water."

Oh, I bet a lot of Birthers are racist.  (Yeah I went there).  Nobody really gives a shit about natural-born citizenship except political opponents who are too butt hurt to accept that a candidate who runs on a platform of "I hate all you damn bitches and your confusing vaginas" isn't very popular.  The law itself is pretty stupid and outdated too.  It made sense in the 18th Century, but a modern day American is no more or less American depending on where they were born.  It's just like dumping the fillings of a taco into a deep fried bowl is no more or less a salad.  The only real motivation here is racism, unless the Birthers want to enforce other pointless laws like whale hunting in Oklahoma or making sure everybody in Kentucky bathes at least once a year.  Actually, I'm pretty sure if Kentucky enforced that law, the entire state would be imprisoned. 

5.  UFO Crash at Roswell, NM and Area 51

I almost didn't include this granddaddy of conspiracy theories because mocking UFO enthusiasts is like picking on Forrest Gump.  They've been mocked a lot.  But hey, if it makes them feel better, they will become heroes when they kamikaze their F-16's into the invading alien ships on July 4th.   Then again, they would all be Randy Quaid and nobody wants that.  

It's not that believing in aliens is weird.  For example, I think aliens probably exist. But, do I think they have ever been to Earth?  Probably not.  UFO enthusiasts seem to have a gross misunderstanding of the logistics of space travel and the sheer mind grating, soul punching, "I am, therefore, I am broccoli" size of the universe.  Granted, it is harder to fully comprehend the size of the universe than it is for Juggalos to comprehend magnets, but you would think people really into aliens with anal dildo obsessions would know more about space travel.  But I guess the ignorance of UFO fans still makes sense when they continuously get disk shaped clouds, lightning, dirt on camera lenses, and Captain America doing some practice throws of his shield confused for UFO's. 

 The invaders are a lot smaller than I expected.  Via Geograph.

It's all probability with this conspiracy theory.  Isn't it more likely that if a UFO actually crashed at Roswell NM, then it was probably a human made UFO.  And maybe, just maybe, that UFO was one of the top secret aircraft being developed at Area 51 and that's why the wreckage was taken there?  "No!", crazy people say, "Of course not!  It's WAY more likely that ET crashed at Roswell, the Men in Black showed up to erase some memories, Will Smith punched the alien out then said 'welcome to earth', then they took the wreckage to Area 51 to learn how to make iPhones and weaponize face-huggers."  

I will say this.  The most famous group of conspiracy theorists aren't dangerous or anything.  People who believe a government cover-up of aliens isn't harming anything.  These next people on the other hand....

6.  Holocaust Denial

No reason to beat around the bush on this one, (badger the issue?  beat around the bush?  Who am I today?), a vast majority of holocaust deniers are Neo-Nazis.  So unlike most conspiracy theorists who are just dumb and are in denial when shown conflicting evidence, these guys can go fuck a fire ant colony.  I hope one day they find out that their real father was that Jewish mailman mom cheated on dad with.  

The thing is, these people know a Neo-Nazi recruitment video looks a lot better if it doesn't say anything about mass murder.  I think these people know the Holocaust happened but deny it to anybody who isn't a Neo-Nazi because the "Hitler was just misunderstood" angle hasn't been working.  Their argument basically says that everybody else is a conspiracy theorist for believing that the Holocaust happened, making holocaust denial the anti-anti-conspiracy theory for pieces of shit.  So I guess believing six million people just fucking vanished is totally sane.  Also, Israel doesn't exist and I hate myself.


The only reason I'm including this on the list is because it's louder than it should be on the Internet.  Most of it is people pointing out these assholes to sane people, (which I guess I'm, shit), but I don't know why anybody is shocked to find Neo-Nazi's pushing psychotic propaganda.  It's kind of what they do.  Not to mention, it's kind of hard coming up with jokes for this entry since the punchline to every joke could be, "at least they aren't Nazi's".  It's the one group of people that if you compare them to Hitler, they take it as a complement.  I can't compete with that.

Disclaimer:  This article is mostly satirical.  Neo-Nazi's really can go fuck a fire ant colony though, or better yet, a literal fire.  

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