Monday, November 7, 2011

A Few New Laws

Every now and then, I like to check out the HBO show Real Time with Bill Maher.  While I may not be the biggest Bill Maher fan, I like his segment called "New Rules" in which he makes a quick observation about something and tells a joke about it.  It's effective comedy since it gets right to the point, which is something I don't do so well.  For example, I somehow feel the need to write multiple paragraphs explaining a TV show that most of the people reading it probably already know.  It's like I wrote that post as if my writing had whiskey dick and the orgasm was basically "MTV is stupid".  Worst cumshot ever!

So in an effort to get straight to the point, here is my homage to Bill Mahers New Rules.  And no.  This is not a total ripoff of an idea.  See, these are laws.  They are official!

They are in a book somewhere
New Law:  Any song that the public knows well because it is in a commercial, cannot become popular.  Songs in the Top 40 are shallow enough.  People don't need to like a song because it reminds them of that time they bought tires.

New Law:  Professional sports leagues can't have work stoppages anymore.  If they are hurting for money, than I'm a Bulgarian Lion Tamer.

New Law:  If you are in line at McDonalds or Taco Bell and take longer than one minute to order, you need be accompanied by somebody who is smarter than a baboon to make these decisions for you.  These menus have barely changed over 30 years.  How do you not know what they have?  And does it really matter what you order anyway?  By eating there, you have already told everyone around you that you hate yourself. 

New Law:  Any movie studio that uses the record skip sound effect whenever something supposedly funny happens in the trailer, has to come out and admit that their comedy will contain no good jokes.  The movie might as well have a laugh track.  If the audience needs to be reminded to laugh at a joke, it's probably not very good.  Although, if Hollywood decided to keep putting Kevin James in movies, they are going to need a lot more help telling the audience that the movie is a comedy and not actually torture. 

New Law:  Everyone has to stop giving a shit about the Kardashians.  Stupid people keep thinking one of them is Borat's mother.

New Law:  Somebody needs to invent a razor blade that never dulls.  If kitchen knives can do this, why not razors?  My face is not an onion.  Does Big Shave keep it under wraps so people are forced to keep buying new razors?  I'm not so sure.  These are companies that decided the best way to get the closest shave possible is to just keep throwing more blades onto the razor.  It's amazing that they stopped at only four.  "Three felt about right but four?  Now you've gone to far!"

What is this?  The Middle Ages?
New Law:  TV meteorologists need to come out and say, "We have no idea what we are doing."  The weather forecast for a recent snowstorm here was 4 to 18 inches.  That is not a prediction.  That is all of the predictions.

New Law:  Towing companies cannot own parking lots for the not so expressed reason of towing anybody who parks in them.  It's a parking lot absolutely nobody can use.  How is this legal?  That would be like the Catholic Church owning a condom company in which every condom they produce has a hole poked in it on purpose.

New Law:  People need to stop trying to break big bills at businesses where it's unlikely they can do so (convenience stores and fast food restaurants for example).  Those types of businesses purposely keep a small amount of money in their registers so they will be less attractive to robbers.  This is apparently a difficult concept for some people to grasp so they try to buy a $1.50 Big Gulp with a 100 dollar bill.  If it's their only method of payment, they will then stare at the person working there like it's their fault and hold up the line thinking the clerk will suddenly come clean by saying, "Just kidding, I can take a 100 dollar bill.  I lied to you a second ago just for the fuck of it."

New Law:  Tim Tebow must legally change his name to Football Jesus.

"Hey Quinn.  Have you heard about our lord and savior, me?"
New Law:  Restaurants have to stop charging extra for avocado.  First of all, that is a crime against humanity (and flavor!).  Secondly, they may go bad quickly after you cut them up but they would probably get used up faster if you didn't charge extra.  Actually, the only places that usually don't charge extra is sushi joints. Japan might be batshit insane but at some point during a brief moment of clarity, they realized avocado is too good to have an extra charge.  Then Japan returned to it's acid dreams and raised the prices on the used girl pantie vending machines.

New Law:  This.  Is.  The.  Shit!  This pen, designed by Sylvester Stallone of all people, must be reduced from the ludicrous $5,000 it is priced at now to something everybody can afford.  I know this law is a risk but come on, look at it.  LOOK AT IT!  (Make sure you have the sound on.  This pen makes angels cry).  Just taking the cap off this pen will summon an army of the damned to do your bidding.  Reading just three words written from this pen will cause your eyes to catch fire and for your soul to turn the darkest shade of black. When Dark Lord Cthulhu rises from the ocean to take over the world, the only thing he will fear, is Stallone's poetry written with this pen.

 Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and stupid.  All these laws passed unanimously, 1-0, so somebody with some authority should get on this.

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