Monday, November 21, 2011

Black Friday is the Worst Thing About Thanksgiving Weekend

It's easy to come up with reasons to not like Christmas part 1, or what many people know it as, Thanksgiving.  There is hanging out with family members you may not see very often and having to answer their questions about your life like you are interviewing for a Secret Service job.  There is that shitty cranberry sauce from a can that looks like gelatinous menstruation blood.   There is the Detroit Lions and Dallas Cowboy games that are always terrible and even with a good Lions team this year, will still probably end up 52-3 just to fuck with us.  And to top it all off, many people get to do Thanksgiving a second time in the same day when visiting the spouses family.  Once there, you get to try to make conversation about people you don't know and events you were not there for.  It's like inviting a co-worker in accounting over to discuss nuclear fusion.

 Look at all that Hydrogen.

That said, Thanksgiving isn't all that bad.  It is just an excuse to eat a lot of food for no real reason.  Sure, it's kind of related to a feast between Plymouth settlers and Native Americans but really?  Do we really want to go there?  Nobody actually sees the holiday in that sort of light, plus we probably don't want too since those white settlers gave thanks to the Native Americans with genocide.  And with Christopher Columbus day, there are two national holidays that honor Native American history about as well as smallpox did.

 Does not discriminate.  Unless you have built up immunities.  Then it does.

Native American atrocities aside, the worst part of Thanksgiving doesn't even take place on Thanksgiving.  It's the day after called Black Friday and it is possibly the worst day on the calender as far as our consumerist culture is concerned. 

The term Black Friday came from the massive headache the day gave retail workers who saw consumer driven masses try to kill each other over $20 DVD players that will break in January.  If it's not a DVD player, then it's a Tickle Me Elmo, a doll that liked inappropriate touching, or a Furby, which was a robotic, bird, demon, thing that would kill you in your sleep if it had legs.  Regardless, it's a day where people lose their fucking shit over cheap crap to convince their families that yes, they do indeed love them, but at a price.

  Elmo has the creepy advantage but Furby wants it more.

Businesses of course love Black Friday, so they changed the definition to mean the day when businesses move "into the black" on their ledgers.  That is horseshit.  Many people have heard the term Black Friday years before it meant that.  When have you ever heard of a day called Black Anything being positive?  Businesses realized they couldn't get rid of the name so they just changed the definition so that it didn't mean the day retail employees realized society is filled with mindless sheep.  If rape was a business term too, corporations would change the definition of that to mean the satisfaction of buying great products at low, low prices.  "Come get raped at Walmart!  Once you see our prices, you'll be asking for it!"

Black Friday is wretched because it shows how much corporations own you.  These deals exist to get people through the door.  That's it.  If you shop on Black Friday, you're a sucker and the reason advertisements work.  You are why every possible medium in existence is deemed a-okay to smother with ads.  You are why marketing is more important than making sure there isn't lead paint in baby toys.  For every person who complains about too many ads in society, there is 10 people willing to give businesses money for air because some commercial said it would give them sexual powers.

  So much business potential.  We need to bottle this shit.

A vast majority of Black Friday deals last until Christmas but businesses usually have a few deals available for that day only.  They are always limited to the first few customers and only a deranged imbecile who has ruined their day off by camping out in front of the store for the night has a chance to get the 25% off vacuum cleaner.  You are more likely to get an actual dying Nigerian prince's money from an e-mail scam then getting one of these deals.  And it's not like your getting Superman Vol.1 for a ridiculously cheap price either.  Instead, it's more like buying that issue of Superman were he teams up with Ronald McDonald to fight the hamburgler.  There is a reason that these one day only deals discount a product so much.  It's because the product is as worthless as a Beanie Baby.

What?  A small plush toy didn't accrue in value?  No way.

So if the one day only deals are impossible to get and the rest of the deals are available after Black Friday, why even go shopping on this day?  Getting up at 4:00am to fight traffic and lines seems like a terrible way to spend a day off.   But, of course, if you are one of those people who look forward to doing this, you have failed as a human being long before this.  Honestly, you are just a brainwashed idiot now.  If a business told Black Friday shoppers that they would give out a million dollars to the first 10 people to jump off a bridge, 200 people would jump and another 50 would be trampled to death running to the bridge. 

And that is the worst part about all this, somebody will die.  It's pretty much guaranteed because it happens every fucking year.  They get trampled, beaten, or some lunatic cuts in line with a gun because shopping on Black Friday is totally sane.  Surely, those obituaries left out the fact that these people died for a Blu-Ray player.  Talk about dying in vain.  Black Friday has a bigger body count than Hurricane Andrew. 


Black Friday needs to be destroyed just like many of these same businesses destroyed the Christmas bonus.  It's like a day long scientific experiment to see if society is brainwashed by corporations.  So far, the data looks affirmative.  And if you're a Black Friday shopper, you're just another lab rat running through a maze for some cheese.  Day off well spent!

Disclaimer:  I fucking hate Black Friday.  Have you noticed?

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