Thursday, January 26, 2012

Pointless Gripe: The Reverse Park

Authors note:  This is a new feature that I plan to do maybe once a month, or whenever I feel like it, to take a short look at some quirk about society that annoys or angers me.  Some of these will be obviously stupid and annoy everyone, while others may only annoy me.  I'd say, "I hope these don't come off as pointless ranting" but that's kind of the point.  That, and to make jokes about them.  Humor is the best therapy. 

There are only two reasons to ever throw your car into reverse and back into a parking spot.  The first reason is to load or unload stuff from your vehicle.  Sometimes you need space to work with dead dentist bodies if you know what I mean.  The second reason is for parallel parking since backing into a parallel spot is much easier because of trigonometry or some shit.  I've always thought that parallel parking was some sort of witchcraft designed to make me think every spot is too small even when that last spot could have easily fit three cars and now I'm parked eight fucking blocks away.

  This looks more suburban than what I thought downtown would look like.

Some people think there is a third reason to back into a parking spot and that reason is douchebaggery.  That's it.  There is no other reason to back into a parking spot, in a parking lot, just to pick up a bottle of Hypnotiq.  There is no other reason to reverse a car into a parking spot so someone can peel off out of the spot after they break into an ex's home to steal back their Ed Hardy T-shirt.  There is no other reason to show people that yes, you can drive in reverse, but you only do it to pick up that home pregnancy test for your sister.  Got to make sure you can make a quick exit for that!

I'm not sure why this bothers me since it rarely effects my life.  Well, except for when I have to wait  behind Prince Collar Popper to back his F-150 with the silhouette chick mud flaps into a compact car parking space, then I'm mildly annoyed but very confused.  "Who are these people," I ask, "who thinks that backing into a parking space will make their lives easier by shaving 5 seconds off their commute?  Don't they realize they ADD 10 seconds at the end of their trip to back into a space?"  "No," I should have answered myself, "these people are badass at looking over their shoulders and looking at mirrors.  They are paranoid and vain."

I'd be paranoid too if the Gecko brothers were in my RV.

Obviously, backing into a parking space is not faster than driving forward into it, so the time saved when leaving is negligible.  But don't forget, backing into a space is harder than driving forward into one as well, and harder than backing OUT of a space.  The width of a parking spot and the width of the lanes in a parking lot are as similar as playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 is similar to playing anything on a Commodore 64.   Backing into a space is a lot like sticking a block in the square shaped hole of a preschool toy, only you've been spun around 10 times first and you're being mocked by children for being a dumb poop face.  You're making an easy task unnecessarily difficult.  Meanwhile, backing out of a space is like throwing that same block down a hallway and having the teacher praise you by saying, "Good job champ!  You can do what everybody else can do too.  You're a special and unique flower.  Have a cookie."

So if it doesn't save time and it isn't easier, stop doing it.  It annoys me and it makes you look like a shithead.  Thank you.

Disclaimer:  This is satirical and opinionated.  I think I actually backed into a parking space once for no reason and I suddenly liked Sisqo's "Thong Song" for 24 hours.

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