Monday, June 18, 2012

4 90's Bands That Haven't Aged Well

A few months ago, I mentioned in a blog post about how I like to listen to 90's music from time to time because I'm nostalgic at an early age.  (Wait, did I say I "mentioned" that?  It was more like "drunkenly rambled", which is how I talk about most things).  Whenever I go on these nostalgia trips - *Buuuuurp*, I'm surprised to find myself liking songs I didn't used to like.  It's as if these formally mediocre songs have aged like a fine wine, somehow making these songs good in retrospect.  I assume anyway, as the only fine wine I've ever had was a glass of Arbor Mist that a Frenchmen spit in.

Not all 90's bands have aged like a fine wine though.  Some have aged more like that case of MD 20/20 I forgot about in the closet for three years.  Even nostalgia goggles can't save them.  Beer goggles might, but only if you are drinking Evil Eye malt liquor. 

 This band tastes like Evil Eye.  The beer sounds okay though.

These are four 90's bands that haven't aged well.

1.  Matchbox 20

First of all, is their band name Matchbox 20 or Matchbox Twenty?  Secondly, what does Boxmatch 20 even mean?  Is it in reference to that entire pack of cigarettes they smoked that one night when they were debating how to make the band not suck anymore?  I guess the idea they agreed on was not being Latchknox 40 anymore and letting Rob Thomas cheat on the band with Santana.  The song he did with Santana,"Smooth", was way more popular than any Catchflax 2000 song ever was.  I assume Rob Thomas begged Santana to make him a permanent member of his band but Santana refused because Thomas is not nearly as Mexican as he claimed.  No Mexican would grow that ridiculous fucking mullet.

Flatmax 60 was inexplicably popular in the 90's despite sucking the rock out of alternative rock.  They were alternative alright, just more like the alternative choice for people who thought Everclear was too edgy.  Their only purpose was to give VH1 something to show when they ran out of Savage Garden videos.  VH1 loved them hard actually.  They talked about Natchblast 22 more than they showed the Behind the Music episode of Motley Crue.  I'm amazed every VH1 countdown about the 90's isn't just filled with Rob Thomas arguing about how he invented the Emo look with the video to "Unwell".

Crazy.  Unwell.  Dropping acid.  Whatever.

2. The Rembrandts

When the most lasting legacy of a band is, "Theme song from Friends," then the band can never call themselves artists ever again.  The Rembrandts are what Oasis would sound like if they were on Zoloft.  They also styled their hair as if they wrote the theme song to Seinfeld.   Actually, I'm starting to notice a pattern between mullets and shitty 90's bands.  There is just so much party on their heads, they had no energy left to give to their bland music.

 No relation. - Via Fotopedia.

The Rembrandts are the background music you hear while shopping at the mall.  It's that boring, lifeless music for tasty cakes who take offense to Shakespeare in the Park.  The Rembrandts are the saltine crackers of music.   Show me somebody who thought a Rembrandts song was offensive and I'll show that person tentacle porn. 

3.  Hootie and the Blowfish

I'd really like to know how they came up with this band name.  Was Hootie given that nickname in high school but then decided to just roll with it?  I'm amazed the other band members are not named Scooter, Big Time Johnson, and Jager McFlavor.  Before making it big, they would have played most of their gigs at frat houses like Psi Kappa Date Rapieya.  And really, blowfish?  Didn't the other band members protest this and want at least a cool animal name like sharks or tapeworms or something?  It's like they all sat down one night and tried to think of a band name worse than The Goo Goo Dolls. 

Saying their music sucks is an understatement.  Their instrumentals have such a douchey feel to them that John Mayer looks like a musical visionary in comparison.  Their lyrics were probably stolen from an after school PSA about not talking to strangers.  They have the charisma and stage presence of a Lehman Brothers CEO.  This band fails more than the Colorado Rockies.  

And their video for their biggest hit, "Only Want to be With You", is the most unintentionally strange video I have ever seen.  What does Sportscenter have to do with only wanting to be with, my bros, I guess?  This song doesn't seem to be about a girl but if it is, I don't blame her for wanting nothing to do with a man named Hootie.  And why does Hootie own an NBA franchise?  Why is Dan Marino in this video?  Does Hootie only want to be with Dan Marino? 

Laces out, Dan! 

4.  Paula Cole.

Much like The Rembrandts above, Paula Cole will mostly be remembered for doing the theme song to a TV show.  The song I'm talking about is "I Don't Want to Wait", or more accurately, "IdaWannaWay", which is the theme song to Dawson's Creek.  I freely admit to watching the first season of that show because girls liked it and, somehow, that would get me laid (I didn't think this plan all the way through).  However, what I didn't expect was to learn something far more valuable than how to take off a bra.  I learned about feelings.  My feelings.  I, apparently, have emotions.  I learned how to let my feminine side, like, feel things, you know?  I learned how to be sensitive to others emotions and to be there, just to listen.  I learned to share a good cry with someone from time to time.  Just really let it out you know?

Oh.  And I too would have totally banged that teacher dawg!  Dat was sick, Pacey!  Fist bump brah!

  "Come on Brah!  Don't leave me hanging.  Brah!  Yo, Brah!"

What was I talking about?  Oh right!  Paula Cole.  The song that she recorded unfortunately doesn't help explain how a grown woman could fall in love with a kid named Pacey.  Who names their kid Pacey?  I guess after high school, he became a member of Hootie and the Blowfish for a while.  That is, as long as he didn't choke to death on a beer bong.

Sorry.  I started on another tangent.  See, it is impossible to talk about "I Don't Want to Wait" as a song because you can't disconnect it from Dawson's Creek.  And since Dawson's Creek sucked, well.....

Fortunately for this blog post that's going nowhere, she has another major hit you might remember.  "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone", or as my parents call it, that "Do Do Do Song", is a song about Paula doing cliche women things while the man drinks beer and....pays bills?  What, do you NOT want him to pay bills?  That is a pretty weak feminist battle cry.  Plus, wanting a John Wayne is a poor contrast to a drunk since John Wayne was, you know, a drunk.  He also happened to cheat on each of his three wives, one of which, tried to shoot him.  What an American icon!

Of course, the best way to get your point across is to whisper half the words. 

Paula Cole tries hard but her music just falls short.  If you want good feminist music, try Ani DiFranco or Tori Amos.  Their feminism goes a little further than just whining about men being assholes.  I'd even settle for Sarah McLachlan if you don't mind her trying to rape you or making you cry during commercials.  Oh god.  I need to adopt all those puppies and kittens right now, but I can't afford it!  Damnit it, Sarah!  My feelings don't feel good.  I'm going to go eat a bucket of ice cream.

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and I know Sarah McLachlan's "Possession" is inspired by her stalker.  I actually like that song.  As for the Blowfish, I think I get it now.  Eating the wrong part of a blowfish is poison right?  So, it's like music poison.  AHHH.  It all makes sense now. 

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