"Finally I can finish making the soup of the day: Narcotic Bisque."
In the restaurant industry, these people are known as "regulars", or as I call them, "somebody who is wasting my goddamn time why the hell are you here again you fucking loser"? Regulars think they form some sort of bond with the restaurant staff and are now totally your friend which hey, you should give them a free beer buddy. Friends do that right? The problem is the relationship is more like the Regular has a dependency problem and the restaurant staff are the only people who can get them their fix, rather than a real friend. Friends tip better too.
There are exceptions, but the restaurant staff couldn't give less of a shit about the Regulars 90% of the time. This is especially true when the Regulars all start to know one another and poor bartenders start hearing a thousand different versions of the same story. People in the restaurant industry don't care that Regular #127 slept with Regular #92 but Regular #31 is going to tell you all about it because he's really angry about it and hey, you should give him a free beer! He's pretty depressed. Then again, the only reason these people know each other is because they can't get enough all-you-can-eat seafood Saturdays. It's pathetic that someones personal life can be effected by crustaceans.
WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME?!?!?!? AAAAAARRRRR...
Regulars are even weirder in fast food. Despite living in an industrialized society in the year 2012 that features food production on an unprecedented scale never seen before in human history, there are people who would rather eat the same disgusting McDonalds cheeseburger every day presumably because taking up smoking would kill them too slowly. Healthy eaters are not any better though. Or maybe I should say, "healthy", as some people eat Subway everyday because that Jared guy lost a bunch of weight, but he didn't put double meat, triple cheese, and a pint of mayo on his sandwiches. Then there is people who eat Del Taco everyday but I'm not sure if that should count as nothing on their menu constitutes as food. It's pretty decent after a night of drinking though and hey, my friend is a bartender. I should totally get a free beer.
But it's the safe choice right? At least they know what they are getting, right? Well, seeing as how most people understand what is in their food about as well as they understand nuclear fission, they probably never realized the chicken they have been eating is actually just processed rubber. Or maybe they think they will get the real stuff now that they are friends with the staff and hey, you should totally give them a free beer! You are friends now remember?
Oh yeah, friend. I got some real eggs for you. They are a little old though.
You know what? I'm starting to think people become Regulars because they want free shit. Well it doesn't work. Mostly. Sometimes a Regular will finally get a free beer but only after they've already bought 5. That's a lot of money for a supposedly free drink. It's like trying to win a $1 Million lottery by buying $15 million's worth of lottery tickets.
So I don't get it. Why become a Regular? If there is nothing in it for you, don't become one. Your existence annoys me.
It is possible to be a Regular without me wondering what the hell is wrong with you. However, there are only a few ways this can work.
- Regular at a bar within walking distance of home. - This just makes sense. It's practical. There is probably a bush on the walk home that can be used as a public restroom. Cabs afford no such luxury, not that it makes any difference to drunk assholes in K-Swiss polo shirts.
- Friends or family work there. - Much better chance at free beer since these people are actually your friends. However, this is only acceptable at most, once a week, preferably less. Being an everyday Regular in this situation reeks of clingy spouses. How many people would want their friends and family visiting them every day at work? I only request my girlfriend send me text updates of where she is, who she's with, what she is doing, what she is thinking about, what her favorite Wes Anderson movie is, her answer to who would win in a fight between Thomas Edison and Leonardo Di Vinci, and why it took her so long to text me, every 5 minutes.
- It's the only place to eat in town - I'll allow it even though you should probably move to a better town. Well, unless you are one of those creepy hill people serial killers. If so, than please, stay there and call the FBI. It stands for The Food Bus Institution. They deliver food to you I swear!
- It is, somehow, the only place you can eat without getting an allergic reaction. - I'm not sure how that is possible, and I don't think this situation actually exists, but yeah, sure. I guess being a Regular is better than dying but is it truly living anymore?
Disclaimer: This article is satirical and Regulars don't actually bother me that much unless you are a Regular who tips like shit. What is the point in that? You'll never get a free beer that way.
Be a Regular follower of me on Twitter. Be an EXCLUSIVE Regular by liking the blog on Facebook. Contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org because hey, you deserve a free beer.