Tuesday, June 12, 2012

A Review of 4 Awful Fathers Day Gifts.

Hey, Fathers Day is coming up.   And I bet, just like Mothers Day, there are a ton of crappy gifts aaaaand - OH SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP.  It took very, very little time finding bad gifts.  All these gifts were found after searching for "Fathers Day Gifts" and apparently Google hates Dad's. 

1.  Grill Sergeant Apron

Get it?  Grill sergeant?  Ha! I wonder what former Two and a Half Men writer came up with that one.  The camo is a nice touch too since the best barbecue comes from stealthy maneuvers.

This apron is for fathers who agree that all the best grilling is done while drinking six luke-warm beers.  And if the picture is to be believed, that beer is Miller Lite.  Grilling is man's way of showing the world that yes, penis do fire meat good.  I don't understand dudes who need to control a grill like it's their penis, but I can see how this might compensate for - AH who am I kidding?  Everybody knows that if you have a small dick, the Ford F-150 is the way to go.  Well now it is, considering they don't make Hummers anymore.

2.  Head Spa

Nice helmet Space Cowboy.  I'm sure it's a splendid way to relax after a hard day of fighting Death Stars.  

I'm not entirely sure why this...thing is called a head spa when it's just a vibrator, but I can't help but wonder if cucumbers are involved.  Good job on the picture making it look like it's made out of metal by the way.  Don't want anybody to know it's made out of that cheap plastic you find in Dave and Buster's prizes for 10,000 tickets.

Fathers who get this gift are receiving more than just an USS Enterprise standard issue helmet, but also a message from their kids that their dad is not as cool as the characters in Mass Effect, who have probably spent more time raising the kids anyway.  At least with the head spa, a father can finally feel like the appropriate living room Space Scientist he has always felt like he was.

3.  Barbecue Cologne

Oh, of course, father smells best when grilling a leg of pork.  But if he didn't have time to BBQ in the afternoon, he can just put on this cologne and he is ready for a night on the town, assuming the town is in the south.  There, people might appreciate a man who smells like something other than moonshine.

I don't really need to explain how shitty this gift is.  Just take a look at the worst commercial ever made.

If this commercial is to be believed, this cologne is for people who are sexually attracted to pulled pork sandwiches.  I think.  I'm not sure but, for a cologne commercial, I think the girl is putting on the cologne.  That is odd considering everything else about her is an amalgamation of every other female stereotype.  Women only like men who like Sex and the City right?  Because that is a thing that can totally happen and not a wildly unrealistic expectation.  No wonder the lady in this commercial is still single.  Doesn't she understand men only want to talk about smoking meat?

4.  A Trip to a Nude Resort

"Happy Fathers Day Dad!  I got you a reservation for two at a nude resort...No, no, no.  It's not for Mom and you.  It's for the two of us.  It's a, and I quote, 'A weekend for both of you in the nude'.  The add was talking to us.  The kids.  It's apparently what you 'always wanted'.  We'll have a blast."

Sure, this add could be about a vacation for Dad and Mom despite that still being creepy as hell, but considering the word "Mom" is no where to be found on this add, I think they expect Dad to bring his kids.  And sure, maybe Dad is into European things like nudity around your own children, but then, the word "Romance" is in the add.  Just, just, fucking fantastic.  If this is Paradise Valley, I would hate to see what "Dystopic Nightmare Hell Valley" would look like.

And who in the hell is the lady on the add?  I'm sure she approved of this, if say, she's the Devil.  She's just sitting there like, "yeah, it would be great to be naked around Dad."  Who?........

I, ugh.  I can't.  This add broke me.  I'm done.  I don't care.  This blog post can just end however.  I....want to die.

Disclaimer:  Blah, blah, this article is satirical, blah.

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