Thursday, March 15, 2012

About the Robocop Reboot

I think when Edward Neumeier and Micheal Miner tried to pitch their screenplay of Robocop to studio executives, the reply they received was probably either, "Are you fucking kidding me?", or "What middle school kid's Trapper Keeper did you steal this out of?"  Robocop sounds like something the Syfy channel would make right after they finished Alien Kardashian Raptor, not something a major movie studio would produce.  The premise is ridiculous and only slightly more believable than Billy The Kid Vs. Dracula.

 "Make Robocop 40% chin and we'll make your movie."  Via Fotopedia.

Thankfully, somebody foresaw the awesomeness that was a cop, who is also a robot, and decided to make the movie.  The movie is ultra-violent, purposely cheesy, darkly humorous and shockingly touching.  I can excuse Officer Murphy somehow still being alive after being shot roughly two dozen times, thus making his body half metal before even being turned into Robocop.  I can excuse the bad puns about law enforcement via robots.  It's stupid moments like these that make this movie ludicrously enjoyable to me.  Not to mention, this movie also started the American career of director Paul Verhoeven, who would go on to create two more awesome movies (Total Recall, Starship Troopers) and two pieces of bird shit (Showgirls, Hollow Man).  Oh, and he also made Basic Instinct, also known as that movie nobody would remember if it wasn't for Sharon Stone's vagina.  Keep those legs crossed miss.  This isn't Miami. 

Maybe not so thankfully, somebody has decided the awesomeness of a cop, who is also a robot, somehow needs to be "re-imagined"or whatever other buzz word Hollywood wants to the use to hide the fact that they are completely out of ideas.  The reboot is in pre-production and is due out in August of 2013.  Just in time too since I think Japan likely has a real robocop ready to finish the testing phase soon, but only if it can master stairs first.

   Robots prefer the elevator anyway.

I don't know if I like this.  Robocop is certainly due a reboot but the ridiculous premise makes me think the original was more like buying bottled lightning for a dollar.  The movie was much better than any movie called ROBOCOP had the right to be.  There is no way another one would be any good.  Actually, another one wasn't any good because we live in a world where Robocop 2 cranks the cheesiness levels of the original up to aggressively stupid.  Not sure why the characters in the sequel thought turning a murdering, cultist, drug dealer into a robot was sound logic but at least they did this before the murdering, cultist, drug dealer was a fucking 11-year old boy.  Sorry, I just can't take a child as a credible threat to an adult cop who also just so happens to be a robot!

I fully admit that the movie could be awesome.  The original had a budget of just 13 million while the reboot will have 100 million to play with.  A higher budget doesn't necessarily mean a movie will be good but it's helpful for sci-fi and fantasy movies.  I think this is especially true since the reboot will probably have a ton of goddamn CGI, instead of the awesome practical effects that look great in the original, and shitty CGI that looks like it was made on a Commodore Vic 20 takes a viewer out of the movie.  Good CGI I can deal with.  And at least a larger budget will give Robocop something better than a 1989 Ford Taurus to drive in.  Also, the smaller budget of the original makes the futuristic, dystopic Detroit look nicer and less on fire than modern Detroit. The larger budget should help provide a more realistic future Detroit with nothing but abandoned buildings completely devoid of life.

 Detroit in three years.  Via Geograph.

Since I'm a pessimist when it comes to these things I nerd out over, I think the reboot will probably suck.  The movie is being directed by Jose Padilha who has also directed uhhhh....well good for you champ.  I knew your big break was coming if I had ever heard of you before.  I know Verhoeven got his big American break with Robocop, but he didn't cut his teeth with documentaries about drug dealers in Brazil and just one fictional movie about drug dealers in Brazil.  Actually, I think I just found out what the Robocop reboot will be about.  Arms dealers in Syria right?

I will probably still see this movie.  It is still freaking Robocop after all.  But I'm not very excited for it and probably will pass on seeing it in a theater.  It's still in early pre-production though so things might change and one kick ass trailer might be enough to change my mind.  Then again, the trailer for Battleship looks good and I'm fairly confident that movie will suck harder than an Oreck in a tornado.  

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and overflowing with justice.  Robocop 2 isn't that bad if you get really, really drunk.

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