Friday, March 9, 2012

5 Things That Annoy Me About Sports.

In the previous blog post, I outed my self as a nerd who likes sports.  Wait, "outed myself"?  Like it was a big secret or something?  Anybody who follows me on twitter already knows this.  Anyway, as I said in that post, I'm not cool with everything about sports.  Even as the superior option for reality television, sports have some issues that annoy me like the fact that Todd Bertuzzi still has a job playing hockey, rather than working as a public toilet.  A literal, human toilet. 

Here are 5 other things that annoy me about sports.

Like watching a Tennis match with one person playing against nobody

1.  Diving/Flopping

I think this problem exists in every contact sport.  It's when a player flops, or dives, to the ground to fake a penalty on an opposing player.  It looks ridiculous when it happens, leading to many opposing team fans calling bullshit and causing many fans on the other team to keep their mouths shut.  (Well, unless you're a Detroit Red Wing fan, in which case you start complaining that the obviously bullshit penalty should have resulted in a game misconduct and ejection.)  A player embellishing a penalty is a lot like a girl getting a lower back tattoo for the attention.  It's not similar in a "this player is a tramp" kind of way but in the "I pity them" kind of way.  It lets people know the diving douche waffle should just get what he wants before he gets really crazy and starts piercing his genitals. 

It might come as a shock to some people but diving in many sports is actually a penalty.  Crazy, I know. Although it seems like sports officials need to be reminded of this constantly since a diving penalty actually being called is rarer than a Kansas City Royals win.  I understand that it's a difficult penalty to call, but if a player acts like they were shoved to the ground by a ghost, it is probably a dive.  If there is an exception to actually being called for diving, it's probably whoever plays for the Oakland Raiders, who I think is the only football team to ever be called for every penalty in the rulebook in a single game.

The sport most commonly known for diving is probably soccer.  There, it's not just faking a penalty, but faking injuries for like 20 seconds.  Soccer players, and even coaches, are so into faking that sometimes they do it at the same time!  I think soccer players would be the easiest to play poker against since they would always be bluffing.    Or maybe not, since they have practiced bluffing WAY MORE than anybody else.

I'm pretty sure these hooligans are just bluffing - AH!  A FLARE HIT MY FACE!

2.  162 Regular Season Games in MLB.

Really?  Do we really need 162 games?  I think 82 games for the NHL and NBA is a bit much.  Major League Baseball looks at that 82 games and decides it's only half of what a regular season should be.  And considering each baseball game is roughly 3 hours long, that's 486 hours of mind crushing boredom a season per team.  That's like watching the Oscars 4 times!

Listen, I enjoy going to a baseball game.  It's a good time with the fresh air, nachos, 7 dollar beers, and irritating sun burn if it's a day game.  But watching baseball on TV is only slightly more enjoyable than attending a lecture on Tort reform and that might only be because I don't know what a tort is.  (Some sort of Mexican pastry?).  I have a difficult enough time watching 162 episodes of anything, nevermind a game that I imagine would be awfully confusing to aliens.  They would wonder why only one crouching man would wear armor and why another man would use "projectile deflection" as their primary attack.  The rest of the time, the aliens would see a staring contest and wonder why humans would use this tactic when multiple probes have shown humans lack psychic powers.

3.  Avenging a Clean Hit in the NHL

A forward is skating across the neutral zone with the puck when suddenly an opposing defenseman comes across and completely destroys the forward with a brutal, but clean check.  While the forward collects himself on the ice, one of his teammates rushes over to the opposing defenseman and initiates a fight so they don't look like poutine munching, moose porking pansies.  The forwards honor is restored because body checks in hockey are supposed to be friendly love taps and not bone rattling hits of awesome.  Obviously right? 

Why teams feel a need to avenge a clean hit is ridiculously stupid.  Nobody is going to think the forward is a pussy when he gets up from the aftermath of the hit and skates off like it was nothing.  Nobody thinks John McClane is a pussy for taking so many bullet wounds that a lesser man might, die easy (bam!).  Hockey players are known for their toughness.  They are not baseball players who miss a month of action because they got hurt from toweling themselves off to vigorously.  Teams should just avenge a hit by dishing out a big hit themselves.  No need to get all road ragey, especially when a big hit looks more like a fender bender compared to an actual, illegal hit.

4.  The Drag of a NFL Game

Touchdown, extra point, commercial, kickoff, commercial, 3 and out, coaches challenge, commercial, punt, goddamn commercial, injury on the first play, are you fucking kidding me with another commercial?  I understand that the NFL is the big show in town and that is going to lead to more businesses wanting to reach the large numbers of viewers but holy vodka koala, can they make the game of football even slower.  It's not like this stop and go, mostly stop, game is not constantly filled with the type of bullshit usually reserved for a PowerPoint presentation at work.  Good, mmm hmm, good.  Quarter 3 for the Atlanta Falcons saw a 4% increase in merchandise profits.  Thrilling.

 Nothing is about to happen here.  Cut to commercial.  Via Flickr.

Most of a football game on TV is commercials.  The rest of the game is filled with shots of players standing around, replays of the previous play, bizarre stat graphics, gratuitous cheerleader cleavage, players sitting on the bench looking angsty, coaches looking really serious, and if the game is on Fox, a dancing robot.  What?  There was an actual football play somewhere in all that shit?  Sorry, I got a little confused after Aaron Rodgers told me to buy life insurance.  I think that was some sort of threat, like as if the Dodge Ram he told me to buy last Sunday is going to get me killed.  Must have something to do with all that Miller Lite the TV told me to drink.

5.  Everything About Basketball

Hoopa-pulooza is an awful sport.  Sorry if you like it, but it's nothing but watching a bunch of sweaty men play grab ass with one another and sometimes a ball is involved.  Yes, for the other eight players on the court who are not directly involved with the ball, it's just awkward grinding.  Actually, grab ass would be more entertaining than this sport since it would involve less crotches to the face.  I'm pretty sure this sport made their shorts longer so some dude didn't accidentally lick another dudes testicle when somebody jumped up for a dunk.  Well, maybe not considering this sport has no problem with their biggest star of the last decade being a rapist. Just let it all hang out there Kobe.

I've already mentioned how Basketball has enough scoring that most of a game means absolutely fucking nothing.  Less than nothing actually since a bunch of dudes have worked their asses off to accumulate a bunch of meaningless points.  It's like donating to the Church of Scientology only Kobe is Xenu.

 "I already threw the ball into that basket 10 times."

[And you may ask, "Wait.  You like hockey.  How is a 1-0 hockey game more exciting?"  To that I say, it's usually not.  1-0 games are often the result of one, or Cthulhu forbid, both teams playing the neutral zone trap and treating offense as if it was as intriguing as a root canal.  These types of games can be exciting if there are a ton of scoring chances and the goalies are just playing out of their minds though.  Not to mention, 1-0 games are rare and in them each goal means so much more, making the attempts at scoring more meaningful than successfully scoring like Wilt Chamberlain (with points and ladies).  Having a game come down to one basket after dozens seems anti-climatic when the game as already been won seven times before this.] - My one paragraph reasoning on why hockey is better than basketball.  Just my opinion. 

Most of a Basketball game is dicking around in half court until somebody fouls the player with the ball.  Even on plays were there was no foul, an argument could be made that there should have been one.  EVERY SINGLE PLAY has a foul that wasn't called or was, leading to the most boring event in all of sports, the free throw.  Watching somebody shoot a free throw is like being in the room for the filming of a dude's first porn scene: it's sweaty, ugly, everybody's standing too close and staring, and you just know it's not going to go like he wants.  And when somebody fails on a free throw, oh man, the only thing more embarrassing is accidentally putting your dick in a girls ass instead of her vagina.  Kobe knows what I'm talking about am I right?  Oh, no?  From him, the ass penetration is intentional wither the girl was expecting it or not.  

Lets not forget, this shit is fucking rigged.  It's rigged like a Vegas video poker machine.  What has the NBA done to correct the issues from the Tim Donaghy scandal?  Nothing really?  Oh, okay.  That's a pretty neat trick, convincing all the fans that something has been done when the NBA did just as much as a televangelist.  Fake results for real problems.  Kind of like the Kobe Bryant verdict.  No, I will not let this go.

 "I wonder if anybody would notice if I switched the ball with one made out of iron."

Hmm.  I've been kind of hard on Basketball.  Maybe I should end this by saying something nice about it.  Uh.  Oh!  The shot clock is a good idea.  And uh, hey, you know what would improve this sport dramatically?  Make it a foul when somebody takes too many steps without dribbling the ball.  We can call is something like, "migrating" or "jaunting" or "traversing".  I got it.  "Travelling".  Offense gets harder and helps out the minimal defense by...what do you mean this foul already exists?!?

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and opinionated.  The NBA probably isn't rigged.  At least not until the playoffs when you can win big money.

Thanks to AJ for the NHL topic.  Also, thanks to fellow Robot Hooker Party writer and good friend eatingpeeps for the "dudes first porn scene" joke.

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