Thursday, July 12, 2012

About the Starship Troopers Reboot

Starship Troopers is just another brainless, overly violent, action movie.  The lead actors wouldn't land leading roles in a high school play of "Romeo & Juliet Versus Harold & Kumar".  The aliens are just generic bugs whose motivations range from "What's that bright light?" to "Don't eat the larvae or the queen will eat me."  The movie includes one of the dumbest romantic subplots to ever exist outside of roughly 2,000 romantic comedies.

Also, this is one of the most brilliant movies of all time.

Do your part!  Die for the stupid, stupid cause!
That's right.  This movie is perhaps the most subversive war movie since Hollywood still made war movies that were subversive.  It's a satire with a merciless anti-war, anti-militarism, and anti-fascism message.  Its' satire is so good in fact that many people didn't get it when it first came out, including self proclaimed fans of the movie and I assume the lizard people who made the straight to DVD sequels.  I'm not sure HOW people missed the point considering the movie was pretty overt with its' in film propaganda reels, white super models living in Argentina, and a war strategy reminiscent of Zapp Brannigan from Futurama (do the bugs have a maximum kill limit?).  The movie even has a scene where a guy claims that the very idea of a bug that can think is offensive.  Uh, why?  How?  We know chimps are pretty smart but I don't see anybody claiming offense to be compared to chimps - oh right.  

It's with the brainless action movie theme that Starship Troopers stands out from modern movies with similar styles.  Now days, most action movies are just military recruitment ads.  Take Battle: Los Angeles for example.  That movie said the word "Marine" more often than the Avengers movie had scenes where the characters worried about the Hulk wiping out a civilization.  That movie had the main character name an 8 year-old boy a marine only minutes after his dad died because Marines don't cry soldier!  Pull up your Osh-Kosh B-Gosh pants, put on your Spongebob sweatshirt, and lets go kill some fucking alien fucks!  Actually, I think at some point during that, subtlety died.

 Aliens are attacking.  Please take this detour to the nearest armed forces recruitment office.

Starship Troopers ramps all the brainless action movie cliches up to prove the point, war is stupid.  The characters are bad actors because a good actor might submarine the whole intent of the story.  You're not supposed to root for the main character.  And it's not because the main character is a bad guy, it's because he's stupid.  Like, Charlie Sheen stupid or Casper Van Dien stupid.  The romantic subplot is supposed to be trite.  Verhoeven purposely jacked up the volume of the terrible Mazzy Star song "Fade Into You" during the two rival love interests fight scene as if they should make out instead of poorly fist fight like two drunken frat brothers named Chaz and Geoff.  The romantic subplot doesn't matter when you're all about to horribly die in some pointless war. A war that the humans probably started (the reporter argues about humans encroaching on the bugs natural habitat) because how in the hell can bugs launch an asteroid at a planet?  Also, why would they do that?  Earth is on the other side of the freaking galaxy.  This seems like the best excuse for war since weapons of mass destruction.  Actually, it's the same excuse only the bugs actually used theirs (supposedly).

It's just a great, great movie.  One that many people didn't even realize is great or why, but the subversive satire just rips up the very idea of war so satisfactory that we would have peace on Earth if everyone watched it and understood it.  The end.

 And that's that.  Nothing more to see here.


Oh right, nevermind.  Lets forget all that, remove the satire, make it more patriotic, aka; make a straight adaptation of the novel the movie is based on that is very pro-militarism and very pro-fascism without a hint of irony, and even tone down the violence because they probably want to make this reboot PG-13 holy fucking shit I hate everything.  What goat blowing, mule punching, snake licking, chick dicking, tick flicking, sick kicking, mother fucking sack of cunt shits thinks this is a good idea?  Goddamnit.  Where's the asprin?

This is the worst idea since Hollywood thought turning board games about putting pegs into holes and somehow....ALIENS would be a great movie.  Actually, no, this is worse.  At least Battleship isn't ruining the legacy of a great movie that already exists.  This is taking a great movie that may have been a little ahead of it's time but a cult classic now, and tearing out it's soul while taking a shit in it's bloated, mutilated corpse.  Just thinking about rebooting Starship Troopers with a pro-fascist message should qualify as a war crime.   

Don't believe me?  The douchebag trying to make this movie, "if you cut him he bleeds money and cocaine" producer Toby Jaffe (Nice name, Toby.  Shouldn't you be a 1980's ski instructor or something) actually said, haha, he actually fucking said, and I quote, "Y’know, one man’s fascism is another man’s patriotism."  No irony.  No sarcasm.  Straight up bullshit, like, as if I'm being punk'd.  Am I...being punk'd?  Is Ashton Kutcher producing this too?

 Please.  Don't do this.  Via. Fotopedia.

If there is justice in this world, this movie will not be made.  I'm sure this movie doesn't have the fan base for an uprising but that wouldn't matter anyway.  It's never worked before.  Ugh.  I need a drink.

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and I'm not all that angry that they are rebooting, oh who am I kidding, yes I am.  Worst idea ever!  Stop this madness Toby, stop it.  

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