Monday, July 2, 2012

7 Facts About This Blog.

Whoa, hey.  I'm a little late on this but Robot Hooker Party has been a blog for over a year now.  I started it on June 11th, 2011.  So hooray and stuff!  It was a memorable day indeed, mostly because I found a Hangin' With Mr. Cooper marathon on TV, but starting a blog is something I almost remembered.  I remembered now though and this post is going to make up for it.  And that's the lesson here, always be yourself.   

Those early days were fun, rocking out with, like, four readers.  Barely enough people to make up a shindig but not quite enough for a hootenanny.  Today, the blog is up to about 12ish, so that's a thing.  Yup.  12 non-commenting assholes readers who may be completely unaware that they can comment anonymously cause I'm cool like that.  Yup.  Even, you know, those hits that happen to be spambots.  You guys can comment too.  I'll probably delete those but it would be nice to know you actually CARE about me maybe wanting to buy Viagra or wanting to increase the size of my penis.  Yup.  I'm not lonely at all.  Not even a little.  It's just so quiet in here.  Maybe, too quiet (hint, hint).

 This is serious business.  Via Fotopedia.

Now that I got that self-loathing out of the way, here are some fun facts about the blog that you never knew you cared about.

1.  Blogpost with the most hits:  How Did Adele Get So Popular?

Apparently, a lot of people are asking Google this same question.  Too bad I didn't really answer the question and got sidetracked about bear fighting (happens to me a lot), but at least I covered what wasn't the answer.  I don't know the answer anyway seeing as how it probably has something to do with record executives owing Adele a favor for all those unicorn tears she gave them to drink.

Actually, the bodily fluids of horned ponies probably explains these same executives decision to bring boy bands back too, considering rainbow hallucinations remind me of a time when people were more in sync with their communities.  A time when boys would dance with new kids in the backstreets of the block I grew up on.  Even when it was 98 degrees outside and those stupid LFO kids were trying to talk everybody into shopping at Abercrombie and Fitch.  It was a time when we weren't afraid to make our requests live, totally.  But, alas, I guess all boyz must grow in 2 men.*

* - There were way too many puns in that paragraph.  I apologize.**

** - No I don't.

2.  Blog post with the most hits because of a picture search:  About the Robocop Reboot

Everybody wants to see the picture of Robocop with a giant chin.  Fun Fact:  That chin doubles as a can opener.

3.  Strangest search that led to this blog:  "Painted Penis by Female Artists"

I know this is due to me making a barbed penis joke in the caption of a woman who I labelled as a painter in the "Is Indie Music Returning to the Pop Charts?  Again?" post.  That's not the weird part.  The weird part is somebody made that search and clicked on a Robot Hooker Party post, four times.  I'm now curious to know what this majestic dick is that people are looking for but I'm not actually curious enough to search for it because I know I'm going to end up with pictures of Smurf cock.

Are they looking at the sheet music or.....

I'm also curious about the "female artists", plural, since this seems like a difficult club to get into.  I've never had one female want to paint my junk, let alone several.  And do they all paint it at the same time?  What does the guy do during all of this?  I...I'm probably thinking about this too hard.  It's probably just a few women taking turns gluing sparkles on a dildo. 

4.  Number of hits from people searching for ACTUAL robot hookers and hooker parties(I think):  18

I can't be certain that any of these people were looking for actual robot hookers or hooker parties, but Google knows what they like and Google doesn't judge.  I do, however, and I'm afraid to tell you that looking up hooker parties online doesn't seem like the most discreet way to plan your get together.  That seems like the best way to throw an undercover cop party though.

But hey, almost half of these searches came from one country.....

5.  Most number of hits from a country that isn't the United States:  Russia

I know.  You thought I was going to say Japan huh?  I'm disappointed too.  I guess not all stereotypes are true.

 Land of mystery.  And happy flu elves?

But I don't know what the Russians are thinking, sending off all their attractive females as mail order brides in favor of Replicants.  This would dishonor their motherland and worst of all, dishonor the ghost of Lenin.  And how would these alcoholics even be able to charge the batteries of their robotic hookers while living in their Siberian Igloos?  I don't think it would be very welcoming to return home from a hard days work in the salt mines to find a human shaped paper weight laying on the ground.  To be fair, it would be better than what they currently return home too, which is a drunk donkey that got into the liquor cabinet again. 

6.  Most page views by browser:  Internet Explorer


7.  Search keywords that are most likely to bring someone here:  Porn Dicks

What is this?  WHAT IS THIS?!?!  And...the highest the blog ever appeared under this search was fifteenth place?  How is that possible when there should be about 7.3 Septillion links that should appear before this blog in a Google search for "porn dicks".  Granted, nobody searching for that actually clicked on the blog except one hugely disappointed person, but this is shockingly high for two words I have never put togeth - oh, right.  I DID put those two words in the same sentence in the "Bad Tippers with Worse Excuses" post.  No wonder every time I take off my pants my webcam turns on.

 Yeah boyeeeeee.

Funny how a blog with the word "hooker" in the title would come up so high in a porn related search that didn't include the word "hooker".  And I know I could have named the blog Baby Kitten Basket and porn related searches would still find it.  That's not the point.  I'm just saying Google needs to get it's shit together because Lycos and Hotbot are search engines too and they just might be the next big thing.  At this rate, Google might not be around for much longer with this level of incompetence.  I mean, I might have to move this blog to Geocities.

Disclaimer:  This is a blog.  Not a porn site.

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  1. The real reason it wouldn't be worthwhile to search the net for the mysterious painted penis by female artists is NOT because you would find Smurf porn. The reason it wouldn't be worthwhile is because it would apparently just send you to Robot Hooker Party, and then you would get stuck in an infinite loop and your blog posts could never make it out of the fifth dimension, dude.

    1. Is this the Higgs Boson thing everybody is talking about?

    2. Yes, because you ARE the God Particle, JK-47!


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