Monday, November 28, 2011

A Solution for the Airport Body Scanner Machines

This post is written by guest blogger and all around stellar dude, Neal.  He's kind of like Prince with just the one name even though he is not actually Prince.  But, whoa, wouldn't that be awesome if he was! - JK-47

The supposed necessity of the TSA body scanners was one of the most hotly debated topics a year ago in America, and the issue is still important right now. Should we, or should we not, allow ourselves to have our whole body scanned while going through TSA security checkpoints at the airport. With issues of safety and privacy hanging in the balance, passions flared. People on both sides of the debate continue to butt heads, though mostly on cable news networks. Now, as the holiday travel season comes into full swing, I am reminded of the men and women across the country arguing and protesting in lines as they try to get to their planes. So let me now make the case that we should not be causing disturbances in the security lines, but instead we should make people disturbed throughout the process of the body scan itself.

I’m getting ahead of myself though. Before I get to my revolutionary idea, let me start off by taking the not-so-bold stance that people on both sides of the debate raise several good points, but they are still all complete assholes. On the one hand, you have people who seem to enjoy the thought that complete strangers are going to be taking pictures of their naked bodies and examining these photos closely in the name of national security. To these people I say, “Go home and start an amateur porn site from the confines of your basement, but only email me if you’re attractive. Or if you do really freaky stuff.”

I need to find more John Edwards/Cthulhu mash-up porn sites.

When asked (and we all know the local news stations flocked to airports to do the asking), the first point these passive sheep made is that they’re fine with the scans as long as if it is for the sake of safety. “Well, I like the added security because it makes me feel safer.” Cool. Except that this standpoint completely fucking overlooks the fact that these body scans DON’T make us safer. What gave someone the great idea for the scanners, I ask you? The Underwear Bomber douche bag, that’s what. What people have forgotten, I suppose, is that no one blew up during that terrorist plot. No one was hurt, and the moron who thought strapping explosives to his genitals was a good idea got caught. Hoo-goddamned-ray! And none of the attempts since then have worked either, and it has nothing to do with amazing body scanning technology. All of these terrorists have botched their own plans or have been outsmarted by watchful travelers and were apprehended.

Another point brought up in defense of the scanners is that the pictures aren’t kept and they’re deleted right after the security check is complete. Well hot damn if it wasn’t reported that the FBI is keeping many of these weird, grey, and splotchy naked pictures. I can hear you asking, “What’s wrong, Neal? Are you saying that this is a problem? Are you saying that everyone in the government is a pervert?” No, I’m not, but I AM saying that there are perverts everywhere, including the government, and I’d bet my house that one of them is giving themselves a handy right now while looking at those body scan pictures. So chew on that food for thought. Wait. No, you better not chew on that in any capacity. Bad taste there.

On the flip side of the argument are those on the left, many of which are also stupid, and some bat-shit insane. Most of them, however, are just lame and pathetic. So many of the protesters at the airports last year got to the gates, told some jerk-off with a news camera that the new security measures were “wrong,” then got back in line with everybody else to wait their turn at the blurry porn-o-palooza. That’s as bad as my buddy who gets beat and insulted by his girlfriend everyday and then can’t give me an answer about why he keeps going over to her apartment. What kind of bizarre passive denial bullshit is this? The more extreme protesters didn’t fare any better. Some of them pulled ridiculous stunts and got a little attention for their “message,” but the bottom line is that if they wanted to make their flight then they either had to shut the fuck up like good little boys and girls, or they got detained. And does it make any sense to speak out against people taking naked pictures of you in a way that ends with you getting a cavity search?

 Next Thanksgiving, you get to play the turkey.

So this year I present an idea for dealing with the body scanners that is both childishly entertaining and offensive enough to make TSA officials rethink all their major life decisions. So what am I talking about? What could I be suggesting that feels so wrong and yet so right at the same time? This: When you’re traveling this holiday season and you’re told to go through a body scanner, I want you to Pop A Boner For Freedom. Let’s change that old motto from “Don’t get mad, get even” to something fresh and exciting like “Don’t get mad, get aroused!”

Now I can tell that as you’re reading this you have a few questions. Namely, “How can Neal be such an idiot?” and “Why am I still reading this?” But all of those questions are stupid. The only thing that matters is that this is a real solution to a real problem. If you don’t want someone to look at a naked image of your body, the best thing to do is to seem like you’re REALLY into them looking at your naked body. I know it sounds counter-intuitive at first, but hear me out. You’ve got to get a little crazy, just like Seal told you in 1991. Think about it: if the thought of a government official staring at nude pictures of you gives you the creeps, the best way to make the TSA understand you is through the power of empathy. You must creep them-the-fuck-out right back. Popping A Boner For Freedom accomplishes this.

Let’s go over a few positives of the plan:
  1. Boners lead to stress-free travel. How do you get a boner? By thinking about the things you love most. Utilizing this type of positive thinking will make your whole travel experience relaxed and easy-going. You can thank me later when you find out that this cures your fear of flying. You’re welcome.
  2. It puts the power back in your position. Or at least it feels that way, which is good enough really. We’ve all met one or two of those TSA officials who act like they’ve got really big dicks. Well now is the perfect opportunity to show him you’ve got one… and take his breath away!
  3. Remember that Fed I mentioned earlier in the post who’s giving himself a handy right now? If you Pop A Boner For Freedom then you’ll ruin his mood. See, he’s into being a voyeur and if we all have boners then he’ll know that we know he’s watching. He’ll never get his rocks off again.
And please don’t write me off as sexist for the focus of this post. This call to arms (or other body parts) isn’t just for men. I want to see every woman out there with a boner! Uh, for freedom, I mean. Ladies are totally able to participate in this form of protest. Go out and get a strap-on to wear next time you fly. (Travel Tip: Don’t use one with metal parts, as this would be against the rules, but there are plenty of fully latex/leather/plastic models out there to choose from.) So come on, women! Appropriate that phallus! Make it your own. If anything, the female version of Popping A Boner For Freedom will be more effective because you’re way more likely to creep TSA out and make them never want to look at body scan images again.

As a final point, let me say that Popping A Boner For Freedom is really for people on all sides of the debate. Everyone should support this plan whether you’re a Reaganomics-loving redneck who gets turned on every time you hear the words “Patriot Act,” or if you’re some uber-leftist hipster excited about the irony in expressing your impotent rage by sporting a woody. It’s win-win. It has the power to bring everybody together! And isn’t that what boners are all about?

Disclaimer: This article is satirical. I know not all TSA officials are assholes. And plus, everybody already walks around with boners all the time anyway, so this plan is redundant.


  1. You rock, brother man!! I laughed out loud (not "LOL"ed) many times. Keep up the hilarity!
    Love, your little sister

  2. If only there were a way for to look them in the eye as they scanned you. Perhaps with a come-hither look...


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