Friday, November 18, 2011

Bring Back Ecto Cooler.

While "researching" the last blog post on awesome 90's kids shows that should be rebooted for adult audiences, I came across The Real Ghostbusters cartoon series.  The show only barely made it into the 90's, being cancelled in 1991, so I didn't think it was a very good candidate for that post.  Also, I just don't remember the show that well since it aired during a time in my life when my free time was spent guiding a blue hedgehog across a countryside littered with gold rings from a tragic Zales Jewelry Store explosion. In other words, busting ghosts would have to wait because Sonic has been underwater for a, oh god, the music has started.  Shit, shit, sshhhiiiiiiiiitttttttt.

You sadistic monster!

There is however one aspect of The Real Ghostbusters that I remember quite well and that's the promotional drink Ecto Cooler.  It was the perfect child fuel since it's ingredient list was basically, "sugar, water, and Uranium 238."  This concoction of soft drink bliss was a dietary staple from 1987-1997 and the drink itself, sans Slimer on the box, lasted until 2001. While I had outgrown the drink by then, a small part of me died when it was discontinued and I lowered my flag to half mast.  The flag of my childhood.  Godspeed future Robocop, godspeed.

"I don't know Bill, maybe we should add more colors to the box so kids will notice it."

The company responsible for my childhood drink is Minute Maid.  Ecto Cooler was part of their line of Hi-C drinks, which represents Helium Chloride, or more accurately, it's high Vitamin C content.  But Ecto Cooler was best known for being the physical representation of Slimer's semen and he wasn't known for eating a lot of fruit.  Vitamin C may have been at this party but it was never invited.  Drinking this drink for the health benefits is like drinking urine to replace your bodily supply of urine.  Ecto Cooler has the same health benefits as Kool Aid, and that has the same health benefits of mainlining diesel fuel.

It is probably the second most requested drink for a reboot behind only Crystal Pepsi but admittedly, for this drink to have a successful comeback it would need to rely heavily on sales from 20-something nerds and hipsters.  That should be enough of a demographic considering Mellow Yellow is still around.  The only time anybody ever drinks that is when there is no Mountain Dew or they have the self esteem of a head of cabbage.  If there is enough sales to keep Mellow Yellow around then why was Ecto Cooler discontinued in the first place?  There is no direct competition to Ecto Cooler so it's discontinuation must of had something to do with Bill Murray wanting it dead.  There was no Sierra Mist to Ecto's Sprite.  No Corona to Ecto's llama piss.  No Red Bull to Ecto's trash compactor runoff. 

Just look at the name.  What hipster wouldn't buy a drink called Ecto Cooler?  I've checked, and the only name for a drink cooler (pun intended) than that is Alpha Rad.  Plus the Ghostbusters theme?  Forget about it.  Greatest tie in ever.  The only way this drink could have been more successful is if it was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tie in and the drink was named Cowabunga Ninja Rap Ooze.  Minute Maid, not Apple, would be the richest corporation in the world thanks to CNRO.  It even makes for a nice acronym even though it's the same acronym as the Community Nursing Registry of Ottawa.

....what kind of registry?

But to truly appeal to hipsters, the question becomes, what kind of liquors mix well with it?  The need for an Ecto Cooler cocktail is a given, but it's practically a necessity for sales and making my pain go away.  The drink already looks like absinthe and gives the drinker a wave of sugary euphoria that only musical theater can beat, so something strong would be needed.  I think rum or whiskey might work, possibly even vodka or gin, but the true test would be tequila.  If tequila could somehow agree with something that isn't balls crushingly sour, I think a lot of stomach pumps would be sold since the alcohol would stay in peoples stomachs rather than ending up on bathroom floors, parking lots and angry spouses.  Tequila would have to change it's tagline from "You're Going to Vomit" to "You're Going to Kill Somebody"  Unless, of course, your like me and tequila convinces you clothing is for pussies.  With Ecto Cooler mixed in, I could be a wired, naked, drunk furiously bludgeoning your belongings with my dick for much longer periods of time.  Nothing better, or, worse for you, than an drunkard who doesn't pass out.

Even with it's amazing cocktail possibilities that exist in my head, it's not very likely we will see Ecto Cooler make a comeback.  If Pepsi won't bring back Crystal Pepsi then Ecto Cooler has a worse chance at a comeback than that retarded Orbitz drink that had floating balls of shit in it.  Yeah, that drink was a great idea.  If there is one thing I want a drink to be it's gritty.  If somebody put cigarettes out on my tongue, that would taste better than Orbitz.  The creators must have been sniffing glue since that would also explain the totally radical rAndOm CapiTaliZations in the drink flavors name.  These guys are as hip as Polio.

    This drink tastes like balls dude!

Ecto Cooler was a great idea though and at least The Chicago Ghostbusters has a recipe for Ecto Cooler which is supposedly spot on.  I would make some for myself but the last time I tried to do chemistry all the plants in a 5 mile radius died.  So, maybe Minute Maid should just make, like, a whole bunch and, like, sell it.  Do it for the plants Minute Maid.  Do it for me and do it for yourselves.  Seriously, do it for yourselves.  I could buy a gun you know.

Disclaimer:  This article is satirical in nature.  I am not actually threatening Minute Maid with a gun.  Not sure how you would do that anyway.  That's like bringing a gun to a lawsuit fight.

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  1. I had forgotten about this drink and now that I have remembered that it wasn't merely the most glorious part of some blissed-out acid trip, I don't know if I'll ever be complete again. You've woken me up to the biggest hole in my life that I've ever known, JK-47. They say that It's Better To Have Loved And Lost Than To Have Never Loved At All, but that's not true when it comes to Ecto Cooler. That beverage was the best part of my childhood, and now that I remember it's gone my life has no purpose. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME, JK-47????

  2. @ eatingpeeps

    We can hope, and dream, and cry for a revival. Mostly just cry though.


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