Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?

Having lady problems? Fear not for I have a plan.

You see, women like spontaneous acts of romance similar to those found in Ashton Kutcher movies. The kinds of acts that are so over the top, women will have no choice but to throw their vaginas at you. Of course it helps being Ashton Kutcher, who women find attractive because he has a lot of money for an 18 year old boy, but that doesn't matter. It's the thought that counts. Or so I've heard.

Here is the plan. Get a horse. A living one, unlike that time you wrote that screenplay, "Things I Can Do Better Than Catherine The Great." Once you have the horse, get some drinks in you because this is going to take courage. You need to get naked and ride the thing to your future sweethearts home.

That's right. We are going the naked cowboy route. Trust me, it works every time. Or so I've heard.

Once you reach her house is when the spontaneity occurs. You need to send the message that you are going to be her cowboy for when the chicken (you're dick) comes home to roost (the vagina being thrown at you). I think there was a similar scene in Tombstone. Ashton Kutcher played Doc Holliday right? IMDB has to be wrong. Nobody I've asked knows who Val Kilmer is.

Anyway, to send this message you're going to have to do something drastic. Like break down her door. Wait, wait. Here me out. Just standing outside her place is too "insane naked guy on a horse" when you are going for "naked future husband on a horse." You need spontaneity and nothing is more spontaneous than home invasions. It will work. It has to work.


Ok. This won't work. This is obviously the dumbest advice ever because I've never actually seen an Ashton Kutcher movie sober. You would have to be an idiot to actually do this so that's why nobody has ever OH SHIT IT'S TOTALLY REAL.

To be fair, there is something missing here though. He didn't go full monty. That, and he is also not Ashton Kutcher. He should have at least tried a little harder with the nudity. It may have given him a better shot. And hey, if it still fails, he can brag to his friends how he got his name on an exclusive list!

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and poking fun of stupid half-naked cowboys. I also hope to never write "Ashton Kutcher" that many times ever again in one blog post.

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