For seemingly forever, much of the political scene has been dominated by talk about increasing taxes on "job creators" to help pay for needed spending and to pay off some of the debt. Republicans, of course, hate this because it makes sense. They think taxes will make them poor because six figures is poor to them. It's a level of poverty so severe, some might have to sell their private jets. Truly desperate times.
It's okay, we have extras.
But why? Why are so many Republicans against this tax increase despite nearly every poll showing 65% or more of people in favor of increasing taxes on """job creators""", including many Republican voters who apparently have no idea what their party stands for? Why are so many against raising it back to the Clinton era level (39%), a time when the economy was doing so well, nobody thought twice about continuing to produce Full House for eight laugh-free seasons? Why do so many of them completely ignore the fact that Der Furher Reagan had the top marginal tax rate at 50% for most of his presidency yet Emilio Estevez never complained about being taxed too much?
The answer to these questions is because a lot of modern conservatism is being driven by Ayn Rand and her "Virtue of Selfishness". And yes, it's as stupid as it sounds if you never had that Objectivist stage in your college years so many of us went through. Most of us grew out of it though once we realized the world already tried her method and it was called the 1920's.
It's okay. We love squalor
Ayn Rand is a hack author and philosopher who loves Capitalism so much she named her dildo Mr. Wall Street. The free market is the porn by which she double clicks her mouse while watching "job creators" sell toys with cheap, delicious lead paint. She also hate fucks Communism to death with the power of 10 Joseph McCarthys. She also has indirectly influenced the rise of Libertarianism even though hard core Rand fans claim her philosophy of Objectivism is different. Economically, Objectivism is different from Libertarianism just like a dollar is different than four quarters or how Avatar is different than Dances With Wolves.
Her "Virtue of Selfishness" is the moral code by which people should live by and one in which absolutely nobody will ever, EVER misunderstand. She has redefined selfishness into a word meaning "concern with one's own interests" while removing the "screw everybody else" part but then proceeds to screw everybody else. It basically argues for everybody to strive to become an economic producing superhero, kind of like what Donald Trump thinks he is, but without that pesky helping people satisfaction. However, if everybody succeeds and becomes a superhero, there is no need to help anybody. It's so boner inducingly idealistic that even utopias have developed erectile dysfunction.
All this technology yet not enough Viagra.
The problem is this moral code has little room for human error. It is extremely anti-sacrifice. If somebody fucks up economically, there is no safety net except for the safety net companies who can charge an absurd fee since, who else are you going to turn to motherfucker? The government? They don't have the power or the authority in this free market system. Charity? No free handouts in this society comrade. All you got is the private sector and they care more about money then seeing somebody get back on their feet. This is a system where loan sharks thrive and the only way to get a job is to physically fight every other applicant or blow the boss. Then it stays just as bad once someone gets a job as they receive a welcome e-mail on their first day that just says, "Welcome to Thunderdome bitch!"
Ayn Rand's economic views lack realism. There is no problem letting people climb the ladder, as long as there is a ladder. Job Creators™ will place the ladders wherever they see fit, usually up the working classes ass, and make every step up as painful as fucking a blowfish. Rand wants a free market completely free of government intervention on any level meaning the people at the top can make up their own rules. Rand argues they will be rational and do whats best for their companies as if people have never acted irrationally in the history of human kind, you know, like that Communism thing she thought was irrational. Plus, she must have missed that day at school where you learn what is best for a company (having as few employees as possible do the most work for as little pay as possible) means being a cruel tyrant. This makes the starting out point a huge advantage for some people. It is something that Rand knows quite well since she was born into a bourgeoisie, also known as Capitalist, social class. It appears the one thing lacking in her philosophy of Objectivism is objectivity.
Excuse me! As a rich person, I know we are raping, not wrecking, thank you very much.
Modern day Republicans use her arguments to support their belief in the free market clusterfuck. They believe raising taxes on job creators® will make them not want to create more jobs because that's why unemployment is so low right now....
No wait. That's not right is it? It's almost as if these Jesus Christs of Business (job creators) just used the tax cuts to write themselves fat bonus checks and did not reinvest that money into their businesses, which would create jobs. And it's almost as if a job creator* is actually just a rich douchebag who owns a gold toilet just so he can have some modicum of truth when he tells his trophy wife that the toilet is more valuable to him than some money grubbing whore. This rich bag of dicks probably has a private jet just so he can fly to Africa and eat a giant sandwich in front of starving children. He probably has a stock portfolio filled with the truth to the Kennedy Assassination (the killer was his father, Richard Nixon), the cure for cancer (not profitable enough since he makes more money with his funeral home), and the electric car (doesn't do a good enough job compensating for his dick size).
*The term "job creator" is used loosely here. Rich people rarely create jobs because they don't like to spend money, especially on things they can't own.
So just pass the tax increase (oh, and that jobs bill too). When the oppositions best arguments come from Ayn Rand, then there is no reason anybody should listen to them. Then again, people like to believe in fantasies.
Disclaimer: This article is satirical and based on opinion. Ayn Rands beliefs are not crazy everywhere. Actually, maybe somebody should remind the Republicans that she was also a pro-choice Atheist. Oh wait, sorry. She was a godless baby murderer. Better?
You can try to start a flame war with me on Twitter, question my sexual orientation on this blogs Facebook page, or send me hate mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.