4 90's Bands That Haven't Aged Well

A few months ago, I mentioned in a blog post about how I like to listen to 90's music from time to time because I'm nostalgic at an early age.  (Wait, did I say I "mentioned" that?  It was more like "drunkenly rambled", which is how I talk about most things).  Whenever I go on these nostalgia trips - *Buuuuurp*, I'm surprised to find myself liking songs I didn't used to like.  It's as if these formally mediocre songs have aged like a fine wine, somehow making these songs good in retrospect.  I assume anyway, as the only fine wine I've ever had was a glass of Arbor Mist that a Frenchmen spit in.

Not all 90's bands have aged like a fine wine though.  Some have aged more like that case of MD 20/20 I forgot about in the closet for three years.  Even nostalgia goggles can't save them.  Beer goggles might, but only if you are drinking Evil Eye malt liquor. 

 This band tastes like Evil Eye.  The beer sounds okay though.

These are four 90's bands that haven't aged well.

1.  Matchbox 20

First of all, is their band name Matchbox 20 or Matchbox Twenty?  Secondly, what does Boxmatch 20 even mean?  Is it in reference to that entire pack of cigarettes they smoked that one night when they were debating how to make the band not suck anymore?  I guess the idea they agreed on was not being Latchknox 40 anymore and letting Rob Thomas cheat on the band with Santana.  The song he did with Santana,"Smooth", was way more popular than any Catchflax 2000 song ever was.  I assume Rob Thomas begged Santana to make him a permanent member of his band but Santana refused because Thomas is not nearly as Mexican as he claimed.  No Mexican would grow that ridiculous fucking mullet.

Flatmax 60 was inexplicably popular in the 90's despite sucking the rock out of alternative rock.  They were alternative alright, just more like the alternative choice for people who thought Everclear was too edgy.  Their only purpose was to give VH1 something to show when they ran out of Savage Garden videos.  VH1 loved them hard actually.  They talked about Natchblast 22 more than they showed the Behind the Music episode of Motley Crue.  I'm amazed every VH1 countdown about the 90's isn't just filled with Rob Thomas arguing about how he invented the Emo look with the video to "Unwell".

Crazy.  Unwell.  Dropping acid.  Whatever.

2. The Rembrandts

When the most lasting legacy of a band is, "Theme song from Friends," then the band can never call themselves artists ever again.  The Rembrandts are what Oasis would sound like if they were on Zoloft.  They also styled their hair as if they wrote the theme song to Seinfeld.   Actually, I'm starting to notice a pattern between mullets and shitty 90's bands.  There is just so much party on their heads, they had no energy left to give to their bland music.

 No relation. - Via Fotopedia.

The Rembrandts are the background music you hear while shopping at the mall.  It's that boring, lifeless music for tasty cakes who take offense to Shakespeare in the Park.  The Rembrandts are the saltine crackers of music.   Show me somebody who thought a Rembrandts song was offensive and I'll show that person tentacle porn. 

3.  Hootie and the Blowfish

I'd really like to know how they came up with this band name.  Was Hootie given that nickname in high school but then decided to just roll with it?  I'm amazed the other band members are not named Scooter, Big Time Johnson, and Jager McFlavor.  Before making it big, they would have played most of their gigs at frat houses like Psi Kappa Date Rapieya.  And really, blowfish?  Didn't the other band members protest this and want at least a cool animal name like sharks or tapeworms or something?  It's like they all sat down one night and tried to think of a band name worse than The Goo Goo Dolls. 

Saying their music sucks is an understatement.  Their instrumentals have such a douchey feel to them that John Mayer looks like a musical visionary in comparison.  Their lyrics were probably stolen from an after school PSA about not talking to strangers.  They have the charisma and stage presence of a Lehman Brothers CEO.  This band fails more than the Colorado Rockies.  

And their video for their biggest hit, "Only Want to be With You", is the most unintentionally strange video I have ever seen.  What does Sportscenter have to do with only wanting to be with, my bros, I guess?  This song doesn't seem to be about a girl but if it is, I don't blame her for wanting nothing to do with a man named Hootie.  And why does Hootie own an NBA franchise?  Why is Dan Marino in this video?  Does Hootie only want to be with Dan Marino? 

Laces out, Dan! 

4.  Paula Cole.

Much like The Rembrandts above, Paula Cole will mostly be remembered for doing the theme song to a TV show.  The song I'm talking about is "I Don't Want to Wait", or more accurately, "IdaWannaWay", which is the theme song to Dawson's Creek.  I freely admit to watching the first season of that show because girls liked it and, somehow, that would get me laid (I didn't think this plan all the way through).  However, what I didn't expect was to learn something far more valuable than how to take off a bra.  I learned about feelings.  My feelings.  I, apparently, have emotions.  I learned how to let my feminine side, like, feel things, you know?  I learned how to be sensitive to others emotions and to be there, just to listen.  I learned to share a good cry with someone from time to time.  Just really let it out you know?

Oh.  And I too would have totally banged that teacher dawg!  Dat was sick, Pacey!  Fist bump brah!

  "Come on Brah!  Don't leave me hanging.  Brah!  Yo, Brah!"

What was I talking about?  Oh right!  Paula Cole.  The song that she recorded unfortunately doesn't help explain how a grown woman could fall in love with a kid named Pacey.  Who names their kid Pacey?  I guess after high school, he became a member of Hootie and the Blowfish for a while.  That is, as long as he didn't choke to death on a beer bong.

Sorry.  I started on another tangent.  See, it is impossible to talk about "I Don't Want to Wait" as a song because you can't disconnect it from Dawson's Creek.  And since Dawson's Creek sucked, well.....

Fortunately for this blog post that's going nowhere, she has another major hit you might remember.  "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone", or as my parents call it, that "Do Do Do Song", is a song about Paula doing cliche women things while the man drinks beer and....pays bills?  What, do you NOT want him to pay bills?  That is a pretty weak feminist battle cry.  Plus, wanting a John Wayne is a poor contrast to a drunk since John Wayne was, you know, a drunk.  He also happened to cheat on each of his three wives, one of which, tried to shoot him.  What an American icon!

Of course, the best way to get your point across is to whisper half the words. 

Paula Cole tries hard but her music just falls short.  If you want good feminist music, try Ani DiFranco or Tori Amos.  Their feminism goes a little further than just whining about men being assholes.  I'd even settle for Sarah McLachlan if you don't mind her trying to rape you or making you cry during commercials.  Oh god.  I need to adopt all those puppies and kittens right now, but I can't afford it!  Damnit it, Sarah!  My feelings don't feel good.  I'm going to go eat a bucket of ice cream.


Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and I know Sarah McLachlan's "Possession" is inspired by her stalker.  I actually like that song.  As for the Blowfish, I think I get it now.  Eating the wrong part of a blowfish is poison right?  So, it's like music poison.  AHHH.  It all makes sense now. 

Follow on Twitter to see random Spice Girls lyrics.  Like the blog on Facebook to show your appreciation for Lisa Loeb.  Contact me at robothookerparty@comcast.net for a thrilling discussion on the genius that is Third Eye Blind's body of work.  

Bring Back Ecto Cooler.

While "researching" the last blog post on awesome 90's kids shows that should be rebooted for adult audiences, I came across The Real Ghostbusters cartoon series.  The show only barely made it into the 90's, being cancelled in 1991, so I didn't think it was a very good candidate for that post.  Also, I just don't remember the show that well since it aired during a time in my life when my free time was spent guiding a blue hedgehog across a countryside littered with gold rings from a tragic Zales Jewelry Store explosion. In other words, busting ghosts would have to wait because Sonic has been underwater for a, oh god, the music has started.  Shit, shit, sshhhiiiiiiiiitttttttt.

You sadistic monster!

There is however one aspect of The Real Ghostbusters that I remember quite well and that's the promotional drink Ecto Cooler.  It was the perfect child fuel since it's ingredient list was basically, "sugar, water, and Uranium 238."  This concoction of soft drink bliss was a dietary staple from 1987-1997 and the drink itself, sans Slimer on the box, lasted until 2001. While I had outgrown the drink by then, a small part of me died when it was discontinued and I lowered my flag to half mast.  The flag of my childhood.  Godspeed future Robocop, godspeed.

"I don't know Bill, maybe we should add more colors to the box so kids will notice it."

The company responsible for my childhood drink is Minute Maid.  Ecto Cooler was part of their line of Hi-C drinks, which represents Helium Chloride, or more accurately, it's high Vitamin C content.  But Ecto Cooler was best known for being the physical representation of Slimer's semen and he wasn't known for eating a lot of fruit.  Vitamin C may have been at this party but it was never invited.  Drinking this drink for the health benefits is like drinking urine to replace your bodily supply of urine.  Ecto Cooler has the same health benefits as Kool Aid, and that has the same health benefits of mainlining diesel fuel.

It is probably the second most requested drink for a reboot behind only Crystal Pepsi but admittedly, for this drink to have a successful comeback it would need to rely heavily on sales from 20-something nerds and hipsters.  That should be enough of a demographic considering Mellow Yellow is still around.  The only time anybody ever drinks that is when there is no Mountain Dew or they have the self esteem of a head of cabbage.  If there is enough sales to keep Mellow Yellow around then why was Ecto Cooler discontinued in the first place?  There is no direct competition to Ecto Cooler so it's discontinuation must of had something to do with Bill Murray wanting it dead.  There was no Sierra Mist to Ecto's Sprite.  No Corona to Ecto's llama piss.  No Red Bull to Ecto's trash compactor runoff. 

Just look at the name.  What hipster wouldn't buy a drink called Ecto Cooler?  I've checked, and the only name for a drink cooler (pun intended) than that is Alpha Rad.  Plus the Ghostbusters theme?  Forget about it.  Greatest tie in ever.  The only way this drink could have been more successful is if it was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tie in and the drink was named Cowabunga Ninja Rap Ooze.  Minute Maid, not Apple, would be the richest corporation in the world thanks to CNRO.  It even makes for a nice acronym even though it's the same acronym as the Community Nursing Registry of Ottawa.

....what kind of registry?

But to truly appeal to hipsters, the question becomes, what kind of liquors mix well with it?  The need for an Ecto Cooler cocktail is a given, but it's practically a necessity for sales and making my pain go away.  The drink already looks like absinthe and gives the drinker a wave of sugary euphoria that only musical theater can beat, so something strong would be needed.  I think rum or whiskey might work, possibly even vodka or gin, but the true test would be tequila.  If tequila could somehow agree with something that isn't balls crushingly sour, I think a lot of stomach pumps would be sold since the alcohol would stay in peoples stomachs rather than ending up on bathroom floors, parking lots and angry spouses.  Tequila would have to change it's tagline from "You're Going to Vomit" to "You're Going to Kill Somebody"  Unless, of course, your like me and tequila convinces you clothing is for pussies.  With Ecto Cooler mixed in, I could be a wired, naked, drunk furiously bludgeoning your belongings with my dick for much longer periods of time.  Nothing better, or, worse for you, than an drunkard who doesn't pass out.

Even with it's amazing cocktail possibilities that exist in my head, it's not very likely we will see Ecto Cooler make a comeback.  If Pepsi won't bring back Crystal Pepsi then Ecto Cooler has a worse chance at a comeback than that retarded Orbitz drink that had floating balls of shit in it.  Yeah, that drink was a great idea.  If there is one thing I want a drink to be it's gritty.  If somebody put cigarettes out on my tongue, that would taste better than Orbitz.  The creators must have been sniffing glue since that would also explain the totally radical rAndOm CapiTaliZations in the drink flavors name.  These guys are as hip as Polio.

    This drink tastes like balls dude!

Ecto Cooler was a great idea though and at least The Chicago Ghostbusters has a recipe for Ecto Cooler which is supposedly spot on.  I would make some for myself but the last time I tried to do chemistry all the plants in a 5 mile radius died.  So, maybe Minute Maid should just make, like, a whole bunch and, like, sell it.  Do it for the plants Minute Maid.  Do it for me and do it for yourselves.  Seriously, do it for yourselves.  I could buy a gun you know.


Disclaimer:  This article is satirical in nature.  I am not actually threatening Minute Maid with a gun.  Not sure how you would do that anyway.  That's like bringing a gun to a lawsuit fight.

Follow me on Twitter.  Like the blog on Facebook.  Contact me at robothookerparty@comcast.net