About the Starship Troopers Reboot

Starship Troopers is just another brainless, overly violent, action movie.  The lead actors wouldn't land leading roles in a high school play of "Romeo & Juliet Versus Harold & Kumar".  The aliens are just generic bugs whose motivations range from "What's that bright light?" to "Don't eat the larvae or the queen will eat me."  The movie includes one of the dumbest romantic subplots to ever exist outside of roughly 2,000 romantic comedies.

Also, this is one of the most brilliant movies of all time.

Do your part!  Die for the stupid, stupid cause!

 
That's right.  This movie is perhaps the most subversive war movie since Hollywood still made war movies that were subversive.  It's a satire with a merciless anti-war, anti-militarism, and anti-fascism message.  Its' satire is so good in fact that many people didn't get it when it first came out, including self proclaimed fans of the movie and I assume the lizard people who made the straight to DVD sequels.  I'm not sure HOW people missed the point considering the movie was pretty overt with its' in film propaganda reels, white super models living in Argentina, and a war strategy reminiscent of Zapp Brannigan from Futurama (do the bugs have a maximum kill limit?).  The movie even has a scene where a guy claims that the very idea of a bug that can think is offensive.  Uh, why?  How?  We know chimps are pretty smart but I don't see anybody claiming offense to be compared to chimps - oh right.  

It's with the brainless action movie theme that Starship Troopers stands out from modern movies with similar styles.  Now days, most action movies are just military recruitment ads.  Take Battle: Los Angeles for example.  That movie said the word "Marine" more often than the Avengers movie had scenes where the characters worried about the Hulk wiping out a civilization.  That movie had the main character name an 8 year-old boy a marine only minutes after his dad died because Marines don't cry soldier!  Pull up your Osh-Kosh B-Gosh pants, put on your Spongebob sweatshirt, and lets go kill some fucking alien fucks!  Actually, I think at some point during that, subtlety died.

 Aliens are attacking.  Please take this detour to the nearest armed forces recruitment office.

Starship Troopers ramps all the brainless action movie cliches up to prove the point, war is stupid.  The characters are bad actors because a good actor might submarine the whole intent of the story.  You're not supposed to root for the main character.  And it's not because the main character is a bad guy, it's because he's stupid.  Like, Charlie Sheen stupid or Casper Van Dien stupid.  The romantic subplot is supposed to be trite.  Verhoeven purposely jacked up the volume of the terrible Mazzy Star song "Fade Into You" during the two rival love interests fight scene as if they should make out instead of poorly fist fight like two drunken frat brothers named Chaz and Geoff.  The romantic subplot doesn't matter when you're all about to horribly die in some pointless war. A war that the humans probably started (the reporter argues about humans encroaching on the bugs natural habitat) because how in the hell can bugs launch an asteroid at a planet?  Also, why would they do that?  Earth is on the other side of the freaking galaxy.  This seems like the best excuse for war since weapons of mass destruction.  Actually, it's the same excuse only the bugs actually used theirs (supposedly).

It's just a great, great movie.  One that many people didn't even realize is great or why, but the subversive satire just rips up the very idea of war so satisfactory that we would have peace on Earth if everyone watched it and understood it.  The end.

 And that's that.  Nothing more to see here.

Huh?

Oh right, nevermind.  Lets forget all that, remove the satire, make it more patriotic, aka; make a straight adaptation of the novel the movie is based on that is very pro-militarism and very pro-fascism without a hint of irony, and even tone down the violence because they probably want to make this reboot PG-13 holy fucking shit I hate everything.  What goat blowing, mule punching, snake licking, chick dicking, tick flicking, sick kicking, mother fucking sack of cunt shits thinks this is a good idea?  Goddamnit.  Where's the asprin?

This is the worst idea since Hollywood thought turning board games about putting pegs into holes and somehow....ALIENS would be a great movie.  Actually, no, this is worse.  At least Battleship isn't ruining the legacy of a great movie that already exists.  This is taking a great movie that may have been a little ahead of it's time but a cult classic now, and tearing out it's soul while taking a shit in it's bloated, mutilated corpse.  Just thinking about rebooting Starship Troopers with a pro-fascist message should qualify as a war crime.   

Don't believe me?  The douchebag trying to make this movie, "if you cut him he bleeds money and cocaine" producer Toby Jaffe (Nice name, Toby.  Shouldn't you be a 1980's ski instructor or something) actually said, haha, he actually fucking said, and I quote, "Y’know, one man’s fascism is another man’s patriotism."  No irony.  No sarcasm.  Straight up bullshit, like, as if I'm being punk'd.  Am I...being punk'd?  Is Ashton Kutcher producing this too?

 Please.  Don't do this.  Via. Fotopedia.

If there is justice in this world, this movie will not be made.  I'm sure this movie doesn't have the fan base for an uprising but that wouldn't matter anyway.  It's never worked before.  Ugh.  I need a drink.


Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and I'm not all that angry that they are rebooting, oh who am I kidding, yes I am.  Worst idea ever!  Stop this madness Toby, stop it.  

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About The Judge Dredd Reboot

The 1995 Judge Dredd movie starring a Sylvester Stallone in permanent sneer mode is pretty damn awful.  The overacting bravado of Stallone made Dredd out to be some sort of meat head who shoots first, rambles about Civics 101 later (basically the cop version of Rambo but without the sad back story).  The story is a typical frame job, redemption arc where Judge Dredd is stripped of his judgeship and later who cares.  A Judge Dredd movie where Dredd isn't a judge for most of it?  Great idea!  An even better idea?  Casting Rob Schneider as the comic relief.  Genius!  Out of the park Hollywood!  Enjoy your panda steaks.

 The movie was faithful to the bad dialogue though.

Needless to say, Judge Dredd needed a reboot more than any movie in the history of cinema other than possibly The Golden Compass.  And okay, maybe not in the history of cinema, but Rob Schneider ruins movies just by looking in their general direction.  I don't think there is a single actor more universally despised than him and I just gave him a compliment by calling him an "actor".  Adam Sandler should be given a humanitarian award just because of the charity he gives this man by keeping his career alive.

I was psyched when I heard about the reboot coming out this September.  The casting of Karl Urban as Dredd seemed a little odd but I didn't care.  Judge Dredd isn't exactly a multi-dimensional character (that Stallone still screwed up).  Lena Headey is the villain, which is tits.  Most importantly, no comic relief character that wasn't needed the first fucking time.  This was going to be the gritty, dark, amoral Judge Dredd movie the first one was supposed to be.  The law is back baby!  Let's see that trailer.

Holy shit, who choose the music?  It's pretty damn jarring to go from La Roux dance mix 2000 to Inception noise.  And by the looks of the setting, is this Judge Dredd in Tower Heist?  It looks like most of the movie will take place in one tower, followed by a chase sequence on the highway in the third act.  I guess he isn't going to be spending the 2nd act in the wastelands fist fighting mutants, so that's a good thing, but I have reservations for a movie that probably won't be able to pull off the Die Hard, entire movie is in one tower setting.  Mostly because one movie is Die Hard, and the other has a screenplay from the guy who wrote Never Let Me Go.

Honestly though, this looks like it will be an enjoyable film that has the proper Judge Dredd characteristics.  It certainly looks darker than the first film and sounds like it too since Dredd talks like Christian Bale's Batman.  The trailer didn't hint at if the movie will be violent enough for a real Judge Dredd movie, but the R rating helps put those fears to rest.  The biggest complaint I see from other people is the change to his uniform, but I don't have a problem with it.  His uniform in the comics, and to some degree the first movie, makes Dredd look like a gaudy flamenco dancer who just jumped off a float at Carnivále.  Hard to include that in a gritty movie if the audience can't take the main character seriously.

 I am the law.  Via Flickr.

I am optimistic for Dredd.  I haven't said that in a long time regarding a reboot but this one actually felt needed.  Also, you know what, it's weird to write about a movie reboot that I think I might like.  Really weird.  It's almost as if, something else, is happening to off set it.  That can't be true though....

Oh?  What's this?   


Disclaimer:  Dredd will not take off his helmet in this movie.  Calling it.

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Snow White is Really Popular Right Now For Some Reason

After watching a trailer for the upcoming movie Snow White and The Huntsman, something came to mind other than the sudden urge to bathe in milk.  It's that this is the third Snow White related thing to happen in the last year.  One TV show, two movies, and I assume a ton of bitterness coming from Disney.  I know how several studios can all do this, (Snow White, along with most fairy tales, is public domain) the question is why?

This King Arthur movie looks weird.

I can only assume a bunch of Hollywood executives got together around a mountain of cocaine, remarked about how "white" it is, then starting throwing it into the air to make it "snow" cocaine.  Then, of course, they all got into an argument about who could do the most Snow White, got confused, and started dry humping the drugs.  When they sobered up, all they could remember was the Snow White part and the rest is history suffering withdrawal symptoms.

There is no way Hollywood decided to make these movies and the TV show due to consumer demand.  I can't think of a single person that once thought the Snow White mythology needed to be expanded upon.  Nobody thought they should give a back story to the magic mirror that includes a brief stint as Liberace's dressing room mirror.  No one pitched the idea that the Dark Queen should be a secret yachting enthusiast.  Someone has probably pitched an idea with a murderous eighth dwarf named Stabby who learns the error of his ways, escapes from prison, saves Snow White and kills the Dark Queen with the help of an army of ewoks.  That last one sounds like fan fiction written by either the worlds only Snow White/horror/Star Wars super fan or George Lucas.

 Now Snow White is an Asian dude.  Via a Travel Journal.

Apparently, the first law of modern filmmaking is, "Have we done a gritty reboot to ______ yet?"  Red Riding Hood got the fairy tale gritty reboot ball rolling with a terrible movie that I think was one of Babydoll's dreams in the movie Sucker Punch but with less cleavage.  Even though the movie did poorly and failed to turn a profit, Hollywood decided this was a demographic worth pursuing even if it's a demographic that didn't exist yet.

TV studios drew first blood on the Snow White front, a stain she is just really struggling to clean on her dress, by making Once Upon a Time.  It's not strictly about Snow White as it includes other fairy tale characters, but she is one of the main characters since it's her wedding in the first episode that starts this whole fairy-bore-tale that doesn't even feature dwarves.  Or fairies, for that matter.  Every episode stars Jennifer Morrison, who might be the first person to ever become a sheriff's deputy on the honor system, and an annoying little boy who seems to know everything because I hate him.  The show is mostly about those two trying to free the fairy tale characters trapped in the real world from a curse which is - and I just lost interest.  The show is doing well with viewers but, ahhh, man, MTV2's Sucker Free Countdown just started.  Thank you MTV2 for making my Sunday nights sucker free.  It was really a problem for a while.

....Aaaaand that is about all you see of the fairy tale land in a season. 

The show is boring.  The premise is intriguing, fairy tale characters in the real world, but it absolutely murders that premise by making the characters not know they are fairy tale characters.  I want to know how the actual Snow White would be like in the real world, not how she handles an identity crisis. 

The movie Mirror, Mirror has an identity crisis as a horrifying comedy-drama Bollywood musical according to everything I've read about it.  I won't see this movie, ever, but it's Snow White if you've ever wondered what it would be like if Julia Roberts played the Red Queen from Alice in Wonderland as the villain.  Also, it's tag line is "One Bad Apple".  Gritty reboot everybody.  Poison apple puns!

But, of course, the heavyweight hasn't come out yet.  Snow White and The Huntsman looks like Harry Potter with more actual magic instead of being limited to shooting lightning out of a wand.  And despite this movie feeling like "Red Riding Hood 2: The Wolf Dwarves of White Snow," maybe this movie will be good.  Thor is playing the huntsman!  Charlize Theron is...hot!  Kristen Stewart from Twilight is uh oh.  Snow White might fall in love with a vampire in high school.  But hey, maybe it's got a good director who can get the most out of her from the only work listed on his IMDB are you kidding me?!?!  Well that settles it.  You kids have fun.  I'll be over here waiting for that movie that is and isn't an Alien prequel because Ridley Scott is a secretive prick.

 I'm not sure what's going on here but at least there isn't fanciful dancing.

So only one of these Snow White adaptations is actually a gritty reboot, but done by a very rookie director, another is a movie that is so confused it reboots Snow White AS grit, and the other is a TV show that reboots Snow White as not Snow White.  Before long, another Snow White reboot will probably go into production that will be titled "Rain Black and The Seven Gimps".  The Good Queen will be the villain somehow and the magic mirror will be replaced by a magic bullet food processor.  Grit-tastic!

These just go to show, nerd opinions of Hollywood and TV not knowing what they are doing most of the time look stronger than ever.  These adaptions were not necessary and didn't even accomplish what they set out to do.  Oh, and I guess I didn't really answer why they decided "Snow White is popular, lets snort the shit out of some movies!" but the answer was probably always, "because Snow White is drugs isn't it?" anyway.


Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and I've never really cared for Snow White or any other fairy tales.  Although, if I WAS a big Snow White fan, I would be so angry right now you guys.

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About the Robocop Reboot

I think when Edward Neumeier and Micheal Miner tried to pitch their screenplay of Robocop to studio executives, the reply they received was probably either, "Are you fucking kidding me?", or "What middle school kid's Trapper Keeper did you steal this out of?"  Robocop sounds like something the Syfy channel would make right after they finished Alien Kardashian Raptor, not something a major movie studio would produce.  The premise is ridiculous and only slightly more believable than Billy The Kid Vs. Dracula.

 "Make Robocop 40% chin and we'll make your movie."  Via Fotopedia.

Thankfully, somebody foresaw the awesomeness that was a cop, who is also a robot, and decided to make the movie.  The movie is ultra-violent, purposely cheesy, darkly humorous and shockingly touching.  I can excuse Officer Murphy somehow still being alive after being shot roughly two dozen times, thus making his body half metal before even being turned into Robocop.  I can excuse the bad puns about law enforcement via robots.  It's stupid moments like these that make this movie ludicrously enjoyable to me.  Not to mention, this movie also started the American career of director Paul Verhoeven, who would go on to create two more awesome movies (Total Recall, Starship Troopers) and two pieces of bird shit (Showgirls, Hollow Man).  Oh, and he also made Basic Instinct, also known as that movie nobody would remember if it wasn't for Sharon Stone's vagina.  Keep those legs crossed miss.  This isn't Miami. 

Maybe not so thankfully, somebody has decided the awesomeness of a cop, who is also a robot, somehow needs to be "re-imagined"or whatever other buzz word Hollywood wants to the use to hide the fact that they are completely out of ideas.  The reboot is in pre-production and is due out in August of 2013.  Just in time too since I think Japan likely has a real robocop ready to finish the testing phase soon, but only if it can master stairs first.

   Robots prefer the elevator anyway.

I don't know if I like this.  Robocop is certainly due a reboot but the ridiculous premise makes me think the original was more like buying bottled lightning for a dollar.  The movie was much better than any movie called ROBOCOP had the right to be.  There is no way another one would be any good.  Actually, another one wasn't any good because we live in a world where Robocop 2 cranks the cheesiness levels of the original up to aggressively stupid.  Not sure why the characters in the sequel thought turning a murdering, cultist, drug dealer into a robot was sound logic but at least they did this before the murdering, cultist, drug dealer was a fucking 11-year old boy.  Sorry, I just can't take a child as a credible threat to an adult cop who also just so happens to be a robot!

I fully admit that the movie could be awesome.  The original had a budget of just 13 million while the reboot will have 100 million to play with.  A higher budget doesn't necessarily mean a movie will be good but it's helpful for sci-fi and fantasy movies.  I think this is especially true since the reboot will probably have a ton of goddamn CGI, instead of the awesome practical effects that look great in the original, and shitty CGI that looks like it was made on a Commodore Vic 20 takes a viewer out of the movie.  Good CGI I can deal with.  And at least a larger budget will give Robocop something better than a 1989 Ford Taurus to drive in.  Also, the smaller budget of the original makes the futuristic, dystopic Detroit look nicer and less on fire than modern Detroit. The larger budget should help provide a more realistic future Detroit with nothing but abandoned buildings completely devoid of life.

 Detroit in three years.  Via Geograph.

Since I'm a pessimist when it comes to these things I nerd out over, I think the reboot will probably suck.  The movie is being directed by Jose Padilha who has also directed uhhhh....well good for you champ.  I knew your big break was coming if I had ever heard of you before.  I know Verhoeven got his big American break with Robocop, but he didn't cut his teeth with documentaries about drug dealers in Brazil and just one fictional movie about drug dealers in Brazil.  Actually, I think I just found out what the Robocop reboot will be about.  Arms dealers in Syria right?

I will probably still see this movie.  It is still freaking Robocop after all.  But I'm not very excited for it and probably will pass on seeing it in a theater.  It's still in early pre-production though so things might change and one kick ass trailer might be enough to change my mind.  Then again, the trailer for Battleship looks good and I'm fairly confident that movie will suck harder than an Oreck in a tornado.  


Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and overflowing with justice.  Robocop 2 isn't that bad if you get really, really drunk.

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About the Seth MacFarlane Flintstones Reboot

In what can only be deemed Reboota-Palooza here at Robot Hooker Party, it's only natural to bring up one of the dumbest reboots of modern times since NBC decided in 2008 that America needed more talking cars.  Of course that was the reboot of Knight Rider, a show that was so awesome during its first run, I almost forgot to buy those box sets I never wanted.  Remind me again of how a sentient car is supposed to help solve crimes when it can't enter a building without driving through a wall. 

This time Fox decided to give Seth MacFarlane whatever the hell he wants by rebooting The Flintstones.  Wow Fox, show a little restraint.  Don't be too obvious with the blow jobs you give this man nightly.  Somebody might notice.  Apparently, if Seth MacFarlane wanted to do an animated comedy about the holocaust, Fox would ask him how many Nazi's they should hire to work as animators.

I should point out that this, without a doubt, is happening.  Production has started and it's slated for release in 2013.  I know rebooting classic shows is not a new thing and a Flintstones reboot is long overdue anyway, so maybe this won't be a bad thing. Just like the Charlie's Angels reboot is not a bad thi-hahaha, sorry, I can't do it.  Who am I kidding?  This will suck the shit stain off my jockeys.

 Other reboots don't get creepy public art though.  Fred's eyes!  Don't look at the eyes!

The Flintstones, for all of you who have sheltered themselves from society, is a show about a family who lives with dinosaurs and his friend is an alcoholic or something.  Okay, so the show aired in the 1960's, most of the jokes were puns about living in the stone age, and I never really watched it.  It was groundbreaking though in that it was the first cartoon in which adults could enjoy without thinking about shipping their kids off to a Thailand oil rig.  It had a lot of adult orientated humor which was rare for cartoons at the time, except for when Bugs Bunny would impersonate Hitler in drag.  I don't think children would understand a message of, "Hitler is a woman".  The Flintstones is a classic and the most successful cartoon until The Simpsons crushed it by never knowing when to quit.

So I guess it makes sense to reboot it but, wait a minute, the show has been off the air for 45 years!  Who is asking for this?  Is there really a big demand for it?  Surely, the flood of e-mails and phone calls to Fox studios must have been so overwhelming they turned to Seth MacFarlane, a guy who is obsessed with The Flintstones, to save them from this nightmare.  They must consider themselves lucky to have a guy working with them who used to draw Fred Flintstone for fun.  What a coincidence!

The protesters are just, just everywhere.  How are you supposed to get inside?

MacFarlane is probably the only person who wants this.  If Fox actually cared what viewers want, they would have brought back Arrested Development* years ago.  There are more people requesting the return of Man Vs. Beast than a show that aired during John F. Kennedy's presidency.  There are more people who STARED in Who Wants to be a Superhero? than people who want to see The Flintstones bring stone age comedy into an era when a significant percentage of the population thinks the original show was a goddamn documentary.

*I know about the Hulu revival.  To that I say, I'll believe it when I see it.  We have been cockblocked by Arrested Development revival/movie news so much, I wouldn't be surprised if Fox is actually not my best friend and is sleeping with my girlfriend.  If Fox actually gets all the Bluths together and starts filming, I'll be cautiously optimistic and tell my girlfriend to get tested for STD's.

Since Fox apparently only cares about money and they know Seth MacFarlane brings in more money than the East India Trading Company, the question becomes, will the show be any good?

 "Cheers.  I made 8 million dollars just by sitting at this panel."

I don't have a lot to go off of but Seth MacFarlane had a hour and half long show that aired on Sundays called, The American Family:  Guys, Dads and Cleveland.  It was a show about a guy named Peter Griffin who harbors an alien that worked for the CIA until his dog Brian found out.  Peter also has a pet goldfish who wants to kill the mother of the family in order to rule the fishbowl and he has a baby boy named Stewie who is German.  Also, they are sometimes black.

Basically, what I'm saying is, The Flintstones will probably end up exactly like Family Guy, American Dad, and The Cleveland Show.  I wouldn't be surprised if Fred Flinstones pet dinosaur, Dino, got a speaking role.  He would probably enter a room by asking, "You down with OPD (Original Purple Dinosaur)?", to which Fred will reply, "Yeah you know me!"  Then Fred will say, "Purple dinosaurs remind me of that little kid show I used to watch," and then the scene will cut away to Barney the Dinosaur being a pedophile.  The joke won't make sense because Dino is not a pedophile but the joke will make the comparison anyway.  It will also bring up questions on why the family allows Dino to be around two small children.

"After the show, we can all meet up in my van for some candy."

I feel safe in saying the reboot will be just as good as Seth MacFarlanes other shows.  This one might even be a little different since the reboot can steal ideas from the original instead of doing what he normally does, which is just steal from The Simpsons.  Either way, this show will get at least a few seasons since many of MacFarlanes fans would watch 30 minutes of a dog licking his balls if MacFarlanes name was attached to it.  The only show I watch of his is Family Guy and that's only if Futurama isn't on, so I'm not holding my breath in anticipation of his next cloned show.


Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and I actually find Seth MacFarlane to be pretty funny.  Plus, this article is kind of pointless since he already rebooted "The Flintstones" three times already.


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Bring Back Ecto Cooler.

While "researching" the last blog post on awesome 90's kids shows that should be rebooted for adult audiences, I came across The Real Ghostbusters cartoon series.  The show only barely made it into the 90's, being cancelled in 1991, so I didn't think it was a very good candidate for that post.  Also, I just don't remember the show that well since it aired during a time in my life when my free time was spent guiding a blue hedgehog across a countryside littered with gold rings from a tragic Zales Jewelry Store explosion. In other words, busting ghosts would have to wait because Sonic has been underwater for a, oh god, the music has started.  Shit, shit, sshhhiiiiiiiiitttttttt.

You sadistic monster!

There is however one aspect of The Real Ghostbusters that I remember quite well and that's the promotional drink Ecto Cooler.  It was the perfect child fuel since it's ingredient list was basically, "sugar, water, and Uranium 238."  This concoction of soft drink bliss was a dietary staple from 1987-1997 and the drink itself, sans Slimer on the box, lasted until 2001. While I had outgrown the drink by then, a small part of me died when it was discontinued and I lowered my flag to half mast.  The flag of my childhood.  Godspeed future Robocop, godspeed.

"I don't know Bill, maybe we should add more colors to the box so kids will notice it."

The company responsible for my childhood drink is Minute Maid.  Ecto Cooler was part of their line of Hi-C drinks, which represents Helium Chloride, or more accurately, it's high Vitamin C content.  But Ecto Cooler was best known for being the physical representation of Slimer's semen and he wasn't known for eating a lot of fruit.  Vitamin C may have been at this party but it was never invited.  Drinking this drink for the health benefits is like drinking urine to replace your bodily supply of urine.  Ecto Cooler has the same health benefits as Kool Aid, and that has the same health benefits of mainlining diesel fuel.

It is probably the second most requested drink for a reboot behind only Crystal Pepsi but admittedly, for this drink to have a successful comeback it would need to rely heavily on sales from 20-something nerds and hipsters.  That should be enough of a demographic considering Mellow Yellow is still around.  The only time anybody ever drinks that is when there is no Mountain Dew or they have the self esteem of a head of cabbage.  If there is enough sales to keep Mellow Yellow around then why was Ecto Cooler discontinued in the first place?  There is no direct competition to Ecto Cooler so it's discontinuation must of had something to do with Bill Murray wanting it dead.  There was no Sierra Mist to Ecto's Sprite.  No Corona to Ecto's llama piss.  No Red Bull to Ecto's trash compactor runoff. 

Just look at the name.  What hipster wouldn't buy a drink called Ecto Cooler?  I've checked, and the only name for a drink cooler (pun intended) than that is Alpha Rad.  Plus the Ghostbusters theme?  Forget about it.  Greatest tie in ever.  The only way this drink could have been more successful is if it was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tie in and the drink was named Cowabunga Ninja Rap Ooze.  Minute Maid, not Apple, would be the richest corporation in the world thanks to CNRO.  It even makes for a nice acronym even though it's the same acronym as the Community Nursing Registry of Ottawa.

....what kind of registry?

But to truly appeal to hipsters, the question becomes, what kind of liquors mix well with it?  The need for an Ecto Cooler cocktail is a given, but it's practically a necessity for sales and making my pain go away.  The drink already looks like absinthe and gives the drinker a wave of sugary euphoria that only musical theater can beat, so something strong would be needed.  I think rum or whiskey might work, possibly even vodka or gin, but the true test would be tequila.  If tequila could somehow agree with something that isn't balls crushingly sour, I think a lot of stomach pumps would be sold since the alcohol would stay in peoples stomachs rather than ending up on bathroom floors, parking lots and angry spouses.  Tequila would have to change it's tagline from "You're Going to Vomit" to "You're Going to Kill Somebody"  Unless, of course, your like me and tequila convinces you clothing is for pussies.  With Ecto Cooler mixed in, I could be a wired, naked, drunk furiously bludgeoning your belongings with my dick for much longer periods of time.  Nothing better, or, worse for you, than an drunkard who doesn't pass out.

Even with it's amazing cocktail possibilities that exist in my head, it's not very likely we will see Ecto Cooler make a comeback.  If Pepsi won't bring back Crystal Pepsi then Ecto Cooler has a worse chance at a comeback than that retarded Orbitz drink that had floating balls of shit in it.  Yeah, that drink was a great idea.  If there is one thing I want a drink to be it's gritty.  If somebody put cigarettes out on my tongue, that would taste better than Orbitz.  The creators must have been sniffing glue since that would also explain the totally radical rAndOm CapiTaliZations in the drink flavors name.  These guys are as hip as Polio.

    This drink tastes like balls dude!

Ecto Cooler was a great idea though and at least The Chicago Ghostbusters has a recipe for Ecto Cooler which is supposedly spot on.  I would make some for myself but the last time I tried to do chemistry all the plants in a 5 mile radius died.  So, maybe Minute Maid should just make, like, a whole bunch and, like, sell it.  Do it for the plants Minute Maid.  Do it for me and do it for yourselves.  Seriously, do it for yourselves.  I could buy a gun you know.


Disclaimer:  This article is satirical in nature.  I am not actually threatening Minute Maid with a gun.  Not sure how you would do that anyway.  That's like bringing a gun to a lawsuit fight.

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