It looks like another one of my predictions for 2012 is taking a turn making news, and by news, I mean tabloid celebrity gossip vomit. This time, it's the prediction that Tim Tebow will be involved in some sort of sex scandal this NFL offseason. It hasn't happened yet, but I haven't given up on the vapid, attention seeking whores in society to stretch that pussy both figuratively and literally.
"She told me to pet her pussy. I thought she meant a cat. Praise Jesus!" Via Fotopedia.
About a week ago, hook-up/cheat on your wife site AshleyMadison.com put up a $1 million bounty for any woman who can prove to have taken Tebow's virginity. Uh, whoa, hold on. I had a deep sense of dread and genital crabs just wash over me. Did I really just write that first sentence? First, I can't believe an online hooker depot that specializes in cheating spouses is a thing that exists, especially with the repeated firebombings the website's home office must face. Second, how many members does this site have to justify such a bounty? You would think the website would need to hold onto that kind of money to help their members pay for their abortions. Lastly, the fact that anybody cares about a 24 year-old man's virginity is the most pathetic thing since websites who help people cheat on their spouses. Seriously, what the fuck? This websites members are so pathetic, they can't even be cheating assholes without having to pay for help!
The thing is, I don't know if this bounty helps or hurts my prediction. The only thing I predicted about a Tim Tebow sex scandal is that one would happen. I left it purposely vague since I don't really understand gold-digging slut motivations, post college virgins, or ESPN's journalistic integrity. So I guess an argument could be made either way.
We are all here to talk about boobs right?
The (short) argument that the bounty will help lead to a scandal.
Well, I didn't expect Tebow's virginity to be turned into a game show but that certainly might motivate some sluts to buy a vowel for his dick. I don't know why, but I keep picturing cougars who want to "teach" Tebow how to be a "man". And there are skanks who love big cash prizes but were considered too bat shit insane for The Bachelor. So yeah, I think the bounty helps. But...
The argument that the bounty will not help lead to a scandal
Providing proof would be more difficult than proving Tebow had anything to do with half of the Broncos wins last season. The website likely wants the one thing that would make back that $1 million in a matter of hours; a sex tape. That tape would break the Internet with thousands of evangelicals downloading it hoping it's not true and surely not because they harbor secret fuck fantasies about their messiah. Although, half of them won't believe the sex tape exists when they download it and Tebow's penis looks suspiciously like malware. ESPN will want a part of the gross fun too and consider launching a porn site so that they can provide a safe website to download it without viruses, but mainly so they can add commentary and analysis of Tebow's thrusting mechanics.
I guess it's not totally implausible that somebody could hide a camera in a hotel room, which will lead to a grainy, poor quality video. The problem is getting Tebow in said hotel room. He doesn't seem like much of a drinker. Actually, I don't think he drinks at all. That might be a good thing for his brand since a drunk Tebow would probably say some things about Jews that would make Mel Gibson say, "Whoa dude. That's a little much don't you think?" Without a drunk Tebow, the only way he goes into that hotel room is if the woman claims she needs to be "cured" from her evil homosexuality.
"Now this is the 1,245th hit when searching 'Tebow gay'."
Also, getting involved with a website like AshleyMadison.com might kill any chance at a book deal, made for TV movie, a tour on the talk show circuit, and so on. Although it will certainly help with the complete lack of death threats the woman is currently receiving from Tebow's cult-like psychotic fans.
In short, I'm thinking this prediction is going to fail but it certainly has some ammunition now. The question is, will somebody pull the trigger? And I mean actually pull the trigger like a Quarterback "pulls the trigger" on throwing a pass instead of tucking the ball away and running. It's something Tebow doesn't know how to do very well. That, and sexing a lady.
Disclaimer: This article is satirical and uses the stereotype that all Evangelicals are hateful bigots. This disclaimer assumes Evangelicals have no sense of humor, also a stereotype.
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The new year is here and I do have a blog so...prediction time? Yeah, I think so. It's practically Internet law. Some dude from Blogger threatened me with crotch kicks if I don't.
So here is five predictions for 2012 ranging from pop culture to politics. Yeah, I just wrote both of those words and it didn't read, "Pop culture and politics should never be in the same sentence unless to say that pop culture and politics should never be in the same sentence." Deal with it.
Just like London dealt with their crappy 2012 Olympic logo
1. JK Rowling will officially start writing a new Harry Potter (HP) Novel
Or more accurately, Rowling will succumb to pressure from publishers and Warner Bros. to write another one because they presumably need to buy more exotic animals to hunt. Seemingly every year for the last decade, there was a HP movie being released (I know there are only eight movies, shut up!). Those movies brought in more money than an Atlanta Walmart's gun department so there is no way they want that money well to dry up. The HP franchise probably made more money than the Star Wars franchise in the last decade since George Lucas has nothing to do with HP. If he did, Voldemort would have had lines like, "Misa hurt you Harry Potta! Misa hurt you vewy, vewy, bad!" and Rowling would know the feeling of being universally hated by all her fans.
You will love the changes made in the 2020 re-release of the books or be destroyed!
Sure, Rowling hasn't officially said she won't write another one, so admittedly this prediction isn't all that bold. She is already writing some HP supplemental projects kind of like how J.R.R. Tolken decided to OCD the fuck out of the history of middle-earth (want to know who is Frodo's great-great-great-granduncle? Tolken wrote about him in Appendix 19.3.6.3AF14). New Harry Potter media will continue to come out and unlike Lord of the Rings, it seems much more likely to achieve that Star Wars level of continuous fandom. Speaking of Lord of the Rings...
2. The Hobbit will fail to meet expectations.
How long has this movie been in development? At first, Peter Jackson was going to direct it, then he decided to only produce it and it was rumored that Guillermo Del Toro was going to direct, then that fell through and Peter Jackson dropped off the project entirely, only to eventually come back and direct it anyway. It took a long time to come to a decision that they already made years ago. It almost seems like Hollywood is a fickle, self-centered, greedy, clusterfuck of hookers and cocaine induced fever dreams. Huh. Who knew?
This movie would have done great a few years removed from Return of the King but now the trilogy feels older than the invention of pants. It's just too long a time span for this. Plus, The Hobbit doesn't have the epic feel of the Lord of the Rings. Did anybody actually watch the trailer and think this is a prequel of epic awesomeness?
When in the LOTR timeline is Bilbo telling this story to Frodo?
What is going on here? By just watching the trailer, you would think this is a story about a hobbit who invited a bunch of dwarves over to do circus tricks and sing depressing songs about geography. Then some dark blue-grey color correction casted a shadow over the land and Gandalf didn't like that very much. If you read the book, you know the story isn't really about how Bilbo got a ring with vaguely defined magic abilities. Instead, the story is about Bilbo joining a band of dwarves to steal a treasure that is being guarded by a dragon named Smaug. It's basically Oceans 11 only the Lonely Mountain is Las Vegas and Andy Garcia is a dragon. The fate of the world isn't really at stake here. Only Bilbo's bank account and I don't think any non-LOTR fans are going to care unless there is a very graphic hobbit sex scene in this movie.
3. Some sort of Tim Tebow virginity scandal will happen this summer to give ESPN something to talk about.
Wow, jumping from hobbit boning in a fictional movie to a real person losing his virginity? Yeah I just did that. In your face.
There is no way in hell some attention seeking whore is NOT going to claim to have had sex with Tebow this summer after she disappears with him for an hour. Actually, considering Tebow is a virgin, they probably only have to be alone for 5 minutes. No way virgin boy lasts longer than that in a vagina. The dudes plumbing must be backed up like a New York sewer. The lady wouldn't have to worry too much about getting pregnant though since Tebow's accuracy isn't very good.
"I gotta hit that vagina on the post route"
Anyway, there is no better way to get famous than by claiming to sleep with the most famous person in the US right now. Nobody will believe her except for a few conspiracy nuts who will cling to the fact that the two were spotted talking to one another in a hotel lobby. Surely, their arguments will be sound. "Anything could have happened after they left the lobby! It's almost certain Tebow put his tebowner inside her! Get that lady a book deal!...What do you mean it's already written?"
This prediction is less of an indictment on Tebow and more of a pessimistic view toward the vapid whores in our society. It's also a pessimistic view on ESPN, a network that will surely talk about this 24/7 for an entire month because Tebow, Tebow, Tebow. Although, if Tebow actually does lose his virginity in some "scandal", the only people who should care about it is evangelicals because Tebow has replaced Jesus in the "most-god like" category of their yearbooks. Although, they could always spin it as "Tebow lost his virginity for our sins" just as long as Tebow doesn't trademark his name.
4. A bill like SOPA or Protect-IP will become law and the Internet will change dramatically
For those of you who don't know, SOPA and PIP are two anti-piracy bills in the House and Senate respectively that will change the Internet as we know it. Both bills are backed by powerful groups such as the RIAA and MPAA, otherwise known as those groups who like to sue 15 year olds for millions when they illegally download LMFAO's piece of shit album which is so bad, the RIAA should give you money to listen too. Competing tech companies like Google, Facebook, Twitter, Apple, and many more have banded together to stop these bills because of their overreaching, draconian, anti-free speech measures. They are similar to laws that already exist in other nations, which is absurd because for all the ideas America could borrow from other countries, they decided on one from fucking Iran. Surely, when we think of the leading nations in pioneering the Internet, Iran is the example we should live up too. Yeah, and China is a leader in human rights.
I am not pro-piracy but these bills are dangerous as things like this very blog could be taken down due to someone simply claiming I used copyrighted material without consent regardless of if I did so or not. Right now, if I use a picture I shouldn't, I would be sent a take down notice and I would be happy to oblige if they are correct or I could argue I used it in fair use. If these bills pass, I will not be given any warnings or have any way to defend myself. The blog will be blacklisted and just disappear. It's almost cool in a John Dillinger kind of way but it's not cool in a "I won't have a blog anymore" kind of way.
Its funny that these are the bills that have bi-partisan support. Important things? Nah, money is at stake here. Hollywood wants every dollar they can get out of Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked. Hollywood needs that money too since Avataronly made a gajillion dollars. Universal Music Group wants every dollar it can get out of Katy Perry too because her voice needs 12 scientists working round the clock to keep her in tune.
Don't laugh, but there is $75,000 worth of scientific instruments in that tutu.
These bills also have bi-partisan opposition so they may not pass. However, this does provide further evidence about who our leaders actually are, lobbyist puppets. The fate of the Internet is being decided by people who know nothing about it. If these bills pass, by this measure, I should protect the nuclear launch codes because I am clearly qualified to do so. Don't piss me off Papua New Guinea. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. You're lucky Obama (who likes these bills by the way) doesn't have a grudge against nations who put the word "New" in the middle of their name.
Hey. Obama reference! What a segue...
5. Obama will win re-election.
There is nobody in the Republican field of potential candidates who stands a chance. Rick Perry? He has only offended every demographic in the nation except white, christian, males. Michelle Bachmann? Maybe when she learns the US didn't gain it's independence from Germany in 1945. Herman Cain? The dude watches Pokemon. Ron Paul? The one Republican who keeps getting elected despite being hated by Republicans. Newt Gingrich? The guy's name is Newt! At least with him as president, the terrorists won't hate us anymore. Just laugh at us.
Mitt Romney will probably be the Republican nominee but he's sooooooo Mormon. Like, really Mormon. Did you know he was a Mormon? The christian right might consider suicide if the choices are Obama or Romney. Also, he has that problem of his Massachusetts healthcare law looking awfully similar to Obamacare. It's almost as if the national healthcare law that Republicans hate more than a black guy getting gay married in a mosque, was modeled after Romney's. He has more obstacles trying to get the presidency than a fat kid in Africa trying to get to a buffet.
"I am going to Mormon the fuck out of the presidency."
This probably won't even matter since some Mayan god is supposed to butt fuck the world before his second term even begins. Actually, the 2012 doomsday prediction is probably my best bet. It might not happen like the Mayans thought but I have a good feeling Kirk Cameron is going to steal a nuke and start a war with, lets say China. My safest prediction yet!
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