5 Predictions for 2012

The new year is here and I do have a blog so...prediction time?  Yeah, I think so.  It's practically Internet law.  Some dude from Blogger threatened me with crotch kicks if I don't. 

So here is five predictions for 2012 ranging from pop culture to politics.  Yeah, I just wrote both of those words and it didn't read, "Pop culture and politics should never be in the same sentence unless to say that pop culture and politics should never be in the same sentence."  Deal with it.

Just like London dealt with their crappy 2012 Olympic logo

1.  JK Rowling will officially start writing a new Harry Potter (HP) Novel

Or more accurately, Rowling will succumb to pressure from publishers and Warner Bros. to write another one because they presumably need to buy more exotic animals to hunt.   Seemingly every year for the last decade, there was a HP movie being released (I know there are only eight movies, shut up!).  Those movies brought in more money than an Atlanta Walmart's gun department so there is no way they want that money well to dry up. The HP franchise probably made more money than the Star Wars franchise in the last decade since George Lucas has nothing to do with HP.  If he did, Voldemort would have had lines like, "Misa hurt you Harry Potta!  Misa hurt you vewy, vewy, bad!" and Rowling would know the feeling of being universally hated by all her fans.

 You will love the changes made in the 2020 re-release of the books or be destroyed!

Sure, Rowling hasn't officially said she won't write another one, so admittedly this prediction isn't all that bold.  She is already writing some HP supplemental projects kind of like how J.R.R. Tolken decided to OCD the fuck out of the history of middle-earth (want to know who is Frodo's great-great-great-granduncle?  Tolken wrote about him in Appendix 19.3.6.3AF14).  New Harry Potter media will continue to come out and unlike Lord of the Rings, it seems much more likely to achieve that Star Wars level of continuous fandom.  Speaking of Lord of the Rings...

2.  The Hobbit will fail to meet expectations.

How long has this movie been in development?  At first, Peter Jackson was going to direct it, then he decided to only produce it and it was rumored that Guillermo Del Toro was going to direct, then that fell through and Peter Jackson dropped off the project entirely, only to eventually come back and direct it anyway.  It took a long time to come to a decision that they already made years ago.  It almost seems like Hollywood is a fickle, self-centered, greedy, clusterfuck of hookers and cocaine induced fever dreams.  Huh.  Who knew?

This movie would have done great a few years removed from Return of the King but now the trilogy feels older than the invention of pants.  It's just too long a time span for this.  Plus, The Hobbit doesn't have the epic feel of the Lord of the Rings.  Did anybody actually watch the trailer and think this is a prequel of epic awesomeness?

When in the LOTR timeline is Bilbo telling this story to Frodo?

What is going on here?  By just watching the trailer, you would think this is a story about a hobbit who invited a bunch of dwarves over to do circus tricks and sing depressing songs about geography.  Then some dark blue-grey color correction casted a shadow over the land and Gandalf didn't like that very much.  If you read the book, you know the story isn't really about how Bilbo got a ring with vaguely defined magic abilities.  Instead, the story is about Bilbo joining a band of dwarves to steal a treasure that is being guarded by a dragon named Smaug.  It's basically Oceans 11 only the Lonely Mountain is Las Vegas and Andy Garcia is a dragon.  The fate of the world isn't really at stake here.  Only Bilbo's bank account and I don't think any non-LOTR fans are going to care unless there is a very graphic hobbit sex scene in this movie.

3.  Some sort of Tim Tebow virginity scandal will happen this summer to give ESPN something to talk about.

Wow, jumping from hobbit boning in a fictional movie to a real person losing his virginity?  Yeah I just did that.  In your face.

There is no way in hell some attention seeking whore is NOT going to claim to have had sex with Tebow this summer after she disappears with him for an hour.  Actually, considering Tebow is a virgin, they probably only have to be alone for 5 minutes.  No way virgin boy lasts longer than that in a vagina.  The dudes plumbing must be backed up like a New York sewer.  The lady wouldn't have to worry too much about getting pregnant though since Tebow's accuracy isn't very good.

 "I gotta hit that vagina on the post route"

Anyway, there is no better way to get famous than by claiming to sleep with the most famous person in the US right now.  Nobody will believe her except for a few conspiracy nuts who will cling to the fact that the two were spotted talking to one another in a hotel lobby.  Surely, their arguments will be sound.  "Anything could have happened after they left the lobby!  It's almost certain Tebow put his tebowner inside her!  Get that lady a book deal!...What do you mean it's already written?" 

This prediction is less of an indictment on Tebow and more of a pessimistic view toward the vapid whores in our society.  It's also a pessimistic view on ESPN, a network that will surely talk about this 24/7 for an entire month because Tebow, Tebow, Tebow.  Although, if Tebow actually does lose his virginity in some "scandal", the only people who should care about it is evangelicals because Tebow has replaced Jesus in the "most-god like" category of their yearbooks.  Although, they could always spin it as "Tebow lost his virginity for our sins" just as long as Tebow doesn't trademark his name.

4.  A bill like SOPA or Protect-IP will become law and the Internet will change dramatically

For those of you who don't know, SOPA and PIP are two anti-piracy bills in the House and Senate respectively that will change the Internet as we know it.  Both bills are backed by powerful groups such as the RIAA and MPAA, otherwise known as those groups who like to sue 15 year olds for millions when they illegally download LMFAO's piece of shit album which is so bad, the RIAA should give you money to listen too.  Competing tech companies like Google, Facebook, Twitter, Apple, and many more have banded together to stop these bills because of their overreaching, draconian, anti-free speech measures. They are similar to laws that already exist in other nations, which is absurd because for all the ideas America could borrow from other countries, they decided on one from fucking Iran.  Surely, when we think of the leading nations in pioneering the Internet, Iran is the example we should live up too.  Yeah, and China is a leader in human rights. 

I am not pro-piracy but these bills are dangerous as things like this very blog could be taken down due to someone simply claiming I used copyrighted material without consent regardless of if I did so or not.  Right now, if I use a picture I shouldn't, I would be sent a take down notice and I would be happy to oblige if they are correct or I could argue I used it in fair use.  If these bills pass, I will not be given any warnings or have any way to defend myself.  The blog will be blacklisted and just disappear.  It's almost cool in a John Dillinger kind of way but it's not cool in a "I won't have a blog anymore" kind of way.   

Its funny that these are the bills that have bi-partisan support.  Important things?  Nah, money is at stake here.  Hollywood wants every dollar they can get out of Alvin and the Chipmunks:  Chipwrecked.  Hollywood needs that money too since Avatar only made a gajillion dollars. Universal Music Group wants every dollar it can get out of Katy Perry too because her voice needs 12 scientists working round the clock to keep her in tune.

Don't laugh, but there is $75,000 worth of scientific instruments in that tutu.

These bills also have bi-partisan opposition so they may not pass.  However, this does provide further evidence about who our leaders actually are, lobbyist puppets.  The fate of the Internet is being decided by people who know nothing about it.  If these bills pass, by this measure, I should protect the nuclear launch codes because I am clearly qualified to do so.  Don't piss me off Papua New Guinea.  You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.  You're lucky Obama (who likes these bills by the way) doesn't have a grudge against nations who put the word "New" in the middle of their name.

Hey.  Obama reference!  What a segue...

5.  Obama will win re-election.

There is nobody in the Republican field of potential candidates who stands a chance.  Rick Perry?  He has only offended every demographic in the nation except white, christian, males.  Michelle Bachmann?  Maybe when she learns the US didn't gain it's independence from Germany in 1945.  Herman Cain?  The dude watches Pokemon.  Ron Paul?  The one Republican who keeps getting elected despite being hated by Republicans.  Newt Gingrich?  The guy's name is Newt!  At least with him as president, the terrorists won't hate us anymore.  Just laugh at us.

Mitt Romney will probably be the Republican nominee but he's sooooooo Mormon.  Like, really Mormon.  Did you know he was a Mormon?  The christian right might consider suicide if the choices are Obama or Romney.  Also, he has that problem of his Massachusetts healthcare law looking awfully similar to Obamacare.  It's almost as if the national healthcare law that Republicans hate more than a black guy getting gay married in a mosque, was modeled after Romney's.  He has more obstacles trying to get the presidency than a fat kid in Africa trying to get to a buffet.

 "I am going to Mormon the fuck out of the presidency."

This probably won't even matter since some Mayan god is supposed to butt fuck the world before his second term even begins.   Actually, the 2012 doomsday prediction is probably my best bet.  It might not happen like the Mayans thought but I have a good feeling Kirk Cameron is going to steal a nuke and start a war with, lets say China.  My safest prediction yet!


Follow me on Twitter.  Like the blog on Facebook.  Contact me at robothookerparty@comcast.net

The 4 Worst Horror Movie Cliches

Every movie uses some clichés, but horror movies are easily the biggest offender.  A cliché is only good when it is needed and horror movies think it's needed as much as suspense, fear, and gratuitous nudity.  Hollywood seems to be afraid that a horror movie without them would no longer be a horror movie and that the audience is full of idiots who would think the hero is competent and the villain is as intimidating as a dwarf with a pocket knife. That mistaken view on moviegoers would almost make sense if any horror movie ever made was based on reason and logic.  The vast majority don't, so the use of clichés in these movies are about as pointless as the romantic comedy cliché of running onto a plane to stop your lover from moving to Argentina to open a Starbucks.  None of this would happen in the real world, with or without it.

 Coffins? What the hell?  I thought this was about Dracula.

Here are the four worst clichés responsible for making so many horror movies unwatchable or unintentionally hilarious.

The Trip Up 

Everybody knows what this is.  It's when the protagonist....oh shit, THE KILLER IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!  No no no, don't trip over your own feet.  Get up.  Good, now go through the door and...it's locked?  That door is never locked.  Quick, go through the side door.  Okay, good.  Now just get into the car and...jesus lady, you dropped the keys?  And they slid under the car?  Well drop to your stomach and get them while crying hysterically.  Be quick but you should have enough time.  That killer isn't in much of a hurry since he is chasing you by walking.  Well, it's more of a saunter really.  The killer is sauntering after you.  You find the keys klutz?  Good.  Now just...OH FOR FUCKS SAKE, the car won't start?  Give the car some gas.  No?  Bang your head against the steering wheel and curse at the car like it's your dead beat father who your mother killed this very night twenty years ago.  That worked?  Holy shit, that's weird.  It's like the car did that to you on purpose.  Well, you should be safe now that...oh great it's suddenly raining and you are taking that turn way too fast on these seldom traveled mountain roads, in which, yeah, yeah I think so.  That's you in the car at the bottom of the cliff isn't it?

It's easy to see why writers/directors do this.  They need to keep the hero in danger, otherwise the movie is over before the killer Tim Curry clown is revealed to be a giant spider for reasons only a drunken Stephen King could vaguely remember.   Why movie studios persist on coming up with coincidental crap to keep the hero from running away is lazy writing.  Some creativity would be nice but when so many villain bio's read like this, "Serial Killer:  Crazy dude who is stabby", then creativity might be too much to ask.

Is a killer clown who is also a giant spider the best the "Master of Horror" could come up with?

The Deadmeat Character.

This is the character who has only been in a few scenes of the movie and has had only 3 lines of dialogue.  Obviously, this person is the first to die.  This character has no point in the movie other than to increase the body count.  The audience won't care when they died, because that is there only reason to exist.  So really, this character is an existentialists perfect human.  The question is, will the rest of the cast care when they die?  There are two possible outcomes.

1. The rest of the cast moves on very, very quickly.  Sure, they might have one scene of mourning, or one "NNNNOOOOO" scream as they witness the death, but 5 minutes later that character is never mentioned again.  The other characters usually don't bother with a eulogy since it would sound like it was written by the bartender who kinda remembers him as the dude who drank wine with ice.  "Rest in peace, uh, guy.  You seemed cool that time you asked me what time it was.  That was fun.  Also, I liked your hat.  Well, I think I liked your hat.  Maybe it was that other dude from Seattle with the cool hat.  Yeah, I think it was him since you had an accent that sounded like...Korean?  I'll just go with Asian.  Okay, yeah, the dude with the hat was not Asian.  Anyway, we will miss you and regret that thing we may or may not have done to you."
2. Most of the cast moves on quickly, except for that one person who goes insane.  In some movies, the deadmeat character will suddenly have a best friend who reacts to the death more harshly than Kanye West reacting to anything even remotely critical of his music.  The friend usually will grow more and more insane until they jeopardize all the other protagonists or become a bad-ass who goes all out to avenge the death.  Actually, that is a pretty big margin.  There is a 50/50 chance the rest of the protagonists get a MVP or a Ryan Leaf from the insane guy.  They could possibly end up with a combination of both, a bad-ass who is also detrimental to the team.  Listen for key phrases like "I'm gonna have me some fun", mixed in with the jungle fever nonsense.

 "Don't worry guys.  I'll go into that dark corridor with the hissing noises first."

The Edit Jump Scare

There is nothing wrong with a good jump scare (a sudden event designed to make you jump out of your seat with fear) as long as the timing is right and it's in frame.  However, to compensate for poor timing, movie makers will just use the power of the editing room to squeeze a scare in where it doesn't belong.  It's a cut so cheap and unfair, it punches your dick off then forces you to watch it have sex with your girlfriend just to show you what you can't do anymore.

With the edit method, you could add a jump scare to anything.  Imagine if you were watching Die Hard, and right before Hans is pushed off the building, the movie cuts to a picture of this...

...and you...feel...violated.  It's like the movie promised you free candy but instead made you snuggle up to a guy dressed like the unabomber.

It's scary, confusing, and makes you question why a supposedly loving god hates you so much, but it doesn't feel like it's actually happening.  The movie betrayed our trust because the jump scare didn't occur in the movies reality.  It's a 4th wall type of scare because it exists only to get a reaction out of the audience, not the characters.  Besides, the characters shouldn't even react because to them, nothing happened.  It's like being worried about an asteroid strike and jumping whenever Jupiter gets hit.  It would be more worthwhile to buy insurance to protect against Viking invasions than for the characters to react to these jump scares. 

Strangely enough, the best example of these jump scares don't come from movies but online "screamer" videos.  If you don't know what those are, then welcome to the internet and here is one below.  Don't watch unless you have a change of underwear and want to hate me for the rest of your life.  (Sound is NSFW and don't watch if you have a heart condition).

What's so scary about a stick-GAH!

The Villain Never Really Dies

It's the last scene of the movie.  The hero has won and is off to safety.  The camera turns around and  zooms in on the dead killers face...OR IS HE!  *Killer opens his eyes.  DUN DUN DUUUNNNNN.   Of course the killer isn't dead.  Hollywood needs to turn this into a franchise and make sequel after sequel until it becomes a parody of itself.  Except for maybe the Leprechaun movies, which was an  unintentional parody of itself since the first installment. 

If a horror movie is going to have sequels, either bring in a new villain or don't kill him in the first one.  There are other ways to have a satisfying climax to your movie and still leave the story open for a proper sequel.  Try trapping the villain in cement, an alternate dimension, or on the cast of Jersey Shore.  Any of these options would leave the villain nice and pissed off for the sequel tentatively called, "The Revenging Killer Revenger."  Or you could actually kill the villain and just have him come back as a ghost.  The killer would be subjected to even more clichés, but at least now it would explain why one of the protagonists has something called a neutron pack.  It's something that the movies lawyers insist was not stolen from another movie, unlike the idea to keep the villain alive in any way imaginable by a 6-year old.

"And then I was like 'pew, pew'.  Then the ghost said 'sorry' and played video games with me"

How the villain came back is always a difficult question for a sequel.  Many movies just completely ignore it and just say, "Hey.  He's just alive alright.  Can't we just leave it at that?  You already gave us your money anyway asshole."  Some movies give an explanation but it's always so completely random and stupid that it would be reasonable to think the producers regularly drink antifreeze, mistaking it for absinthe.  It's usually something along the lines of, "The killer has a twin" or "The Devil decided the killer was too evil for hell".  Then there is magic, which is such an easy Deus Ex Machina tool, that it's surprising every movie doesn't just explain every implausible scenario with magic.  In Independence Day, the audience must blindly believe the alien mothership is compatible with a Macbook.  If it was a horror movie, they could just say the mothership had an old gypsy curse cast upon it when the aliens abducted a gypsy in 1923 and tried to give her a sponge bath.

The worst explanation for why the villain is still alive comes from the movie that just invents a rule that didn't exist in the previous movie.  "The serial killer didn't die because you can only kill him at midnight Friday night.  I know this was never explained before but hear me out.  The bullets actually hit him across state lines and thus, in a different time zone.  Time zones are a big deal when it comes to moon monsters.  Now, if he got hit with the bullets, fell down, then crawled back toward the state he was in, he would be dead.  But, he's alive.  You see, he gets his powers from the Moon, so the shine from the Moon at 11:00am was still strong enough to keep him alive.  At midnight it's not strong enough because of um, magnets.  That is what demons need to die.  Oh yeah, and because he didn't die, he can fly now.  Forgot to mention that.  Ghosts can fly and he's a ghost.  But he's not dead.  He is a vampire, actually."  If any of that makes sense, congratulations, you're insane. Or you make horror movie sequels, which is basically the same thing.


Disclaimer:  This article is satirical and opinionated.  Please don't hunt me down very slowly.  I trip a lot.

Follow me on Twitter.  Like the blog on Facebook.  Contact me at robothookerparty@comcast.net

Horror Movie/TV Show Monsters Make Bad Horror Stories.

What do a lot of the best horror stories have in common?  Some kind of imposing threat right?  Serial killers and other crazy people seem to play the villain in half of this genres stories because they are easy to build a character around.   A writer can give them whatever traits he or she wants.

That is not the case with horror monsters though.  They always have to stick to certain defining characteristics.  The serial killer only has two:  crazy and kills people.  If a writer ventures too far away from the definition of a horror monster, it becomes something else and fanboys will rage against it with angry message board posts on IMDB.com.

 HIS HEAD IS TOO BIG!!! U R EPIC FAIL!!

Here is a rundown of why many of the most common horror monsters ruin horror stories by being as threatening as a PSA on the dangers of walking with your shoes untied. 

Zombies:  They are only effective in large numbers, making a single zombie about as horrifying as the elderly, who are still kinda horrifying in a "looks like a corpse" way.  Since horror stories need suspense, zombies always seem to sneak up on somebody in these stories even when alone.  It's like they know when to stop moaning when there are fresh humans right around that dark corridor.  How a large group of stupid zombies can pull this off is a mystery since they are not well known for their leadership abilities.  Well, Dick Cheney was a leader and he is practically a zombie, so I guess it's possible.

Most of the danger in a zombie story usually comes from the protagonists themselves.  There are always several character archetypes.  The smart guy, the bad ass, the old dude/lady, the slut, the couple (oh I bet one of them won't be bitten!), and the jack-ass, fuck-up, or traitor.  Those last three are sometimes the same guy and they always screw everything up with either their incompetence or douchebaggery.  It's like he thinks if he were to give the zombies everybody else, the zombies would spare him and give him safe extradition to Madagascar.  Although, if they get away with their crap in the story, they never think it all the way through and end up having to fight lemur zombies.

 Ehhhhh, I will consider your offer for....AUUGGHH eat one with gun.

Witches:  Their back story always seems to be about turning to black magic because they want revenge.  No seriously, they always want revenge.  If they don't, then their just evil for evils sake.  Even with their evil powers though, they always have a weakness.  I'm not sure how many have a deadly allergic reaction to water, but I know if I was a witch, I wouldn't just leave buckets of water sitting around in my home.

Werewolves:  Not sure why they always seem to appear in vampire stories eventually, but the werewolf is mostly just about being a bitchen wolf.  Which, is bitchen because wolves are awesome.  Some movies have them being able to control their "shifting" and their consciousness, which leads to them being aggressive....and not much else.  That makes werewolves about as horrifying as that drunk at the end of the bar who thinks you might be the postman who is sleeping with his wife.  The uncontrollable werewolf is much better for a horror story.  It makes them unpredictable and thus much harder to take a picture of for a t-shirt when they are howling at the moon.

 Hey!  You told me you wanted a werewolf for your t-shirt photo shoot.  Well?

Ghosts:  Unlike the other monsters on this list, many people believe in ghosts.  Also, they aren't really monsters.  They are usually dead peoples souls who are left behind because they have been wronged, or because they really like being evil.  Or because they really liked the house they were living in and now some black people moved in!  Or because a little kid and his counselor ghost friend, who hasn't realized he is dead despite only having a small child talk to him for months, haven't helped the ghost cross over.  Or because their great-great-great-great granddaughter hasn't avenged their pet cats murder.  Or because, for a lot of reasons is what I'm getting at here.

They usually have some sort of supernatural powers which usually include dimming the lights, knocking on doors really hard, writing on things with blood (whose?), interior design, and appearing only in the 3rd act of a movie.  Some of the more clever ones go for the possession route after realizing they aren't very good at throwing knives and that having physical hands is better for strangling.  The smartest ones just possess Jack Nicholson once they realize he is already kinda crazy and has probably had 4 people killed with his connections.

 How he greets everybody.

Most ghost movies have gone for "gritty realism" now a days, such as the Paranormal Activity movies.  This has probably been influenced by the dozen or so pseudo-scientific ghost hunting shows currently running.  At least the movies haven't borrowed from the TV shows too heavily as many scenes in the movie would just be two people sitting in the quiet dark for 30 seconds until one of them suddenly turns to the other and whispers, "Did you hear that?"  Also, using EMF detectors to find ghosts is a pretty gross misunderstanding of what that device does.  When a ghost hunter thinks a device is helpful with finding ghosts based on some dude who bought one once at Home Depot and noticed numbers on it when they moved it around their house, it probably means they have found just as many ghosts as Scooby Doo. 

Vampires:  Not sure when the pussification of Vampires began, or why it was even necessary, but they where the kings of horror movie monsters for a long time.  Dracula was a badass.  You would have to be a badass to be able to wear this and not get the shit kicked out of you or invited out antiquing.  Yet, modern vampires have gotten angsty and understand today's youth for some reason.  It's almost as if every new vampire story is being written by My Chemical Romance.  

True Blood has bucked this trend some.  The vampires in that are older, not total wuss factories, and still murder people without discussing their feelings first.  Okay, there is a little of that, and the show is losing me with too many supernatural entities, but at least they still have their weaknesses.  The sun kills the vampires in this show, it doesn't make them glitter and wax poetic about it making them look like a Hello Kitty notebook.  Surely, that is embarrassing but you're a fucking vampire! You could easily kill whoever made fun of you.  A bedazzled gun is still a gun.

 Even worse, for some vampires, lasers turn them into a metallic alphabet

So right now, Vampires have to be considered the lamest horror monster since they barely qualify as one today.  Than again, you are pretty much safe during the day so maybe they where kind of lame to begin with.  Actually, almost every horror monster is more, or only, effective at night.  No wonder aliens and robots sometimes appear in horror films.  They are the only ones who are a 24 hour threat.

Well that decides it.  Sci-fi is a better genre than horror.  That is what I set out to prove in this post right?  What's did I title this again?  Oh...shit.


Disclaimer:  This article is stupid.  Also, honorable mention to Frankenstein's Monster but he was really just a super zombie anyway.

Follow me on Twitter.  Like the blog on Facebook.  Contact me at robothookerparty@comcast.net